Alligators can grow up to 20 feet.
But most grow four.
Kim Kardashian says that bees frighten her.
I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
My girlfriend said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.
I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!
I like how at the end of Hollyoaks a voice says “If you’ve been affected by any issues in this program, please phone this number.”
So I phoned and I said “Hello… I can’t act either”.
If I had a pound for every time I had an existential crisis…
Would it even matter?
When a girl changes clothes in front of you, she is really into you.
Or she hasn’t spotted you in the cupboard yet.
I offered the old woman next door £5 for a go on her Stenna stair lift…
I thinks she’s going to take me up on it.
Acts of extreme bravery:
• Racing into a burning building.
• Tackling an armed robber.
• Ignoring a woman’s text messages.
Females are super simple, with them yes means yes, no means yes, no means no and no means maybe but maybe means yes, and maybe means no.
My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.
I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.
I started crying at the Ryan Air check in desk .. just been charged more for emotional baggage.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
My mate has got a new girlfriend called Peg.
He met her online.