I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
I once got struck by lightning while sitting on the toilet!
That was a real shock to the cistern…
My Nan once gave me an abacus shaped like a castle for my birthday.
Well it’s the fort that counts…
I finally was able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes.
Let me tell you, it was no small feet.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminium Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminium Man just foils their plans.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally.
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
A kid asks his dad, “Do trees poop?”
The dad answers, “Where do you think number 2 pencils come from.”
Did you hear about the cop who fell and broke his radio?
He couldn’t get backup.
A burglar broke into our house last night.
I didn’t shoot him.
I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
My girlfriend said she would leave me because of my obsession with algebra.
Now she is my X.
My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.
I said, “On what grounds?”
What wears a fur coat in winter, and pants in summer?
An old man sat down next to me on a park bench. “It’s nice out” I said to him.
“Yes. I think I’ll get mine out too.” he replies.