I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
My girlfriend asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.
I don’t know why she got so mad at me.
It’s pretty hard to write on sand.
Wine improves with age.
The older you get, the more you like it.
What ants are small?
Infants.
What ants are big?
Elephants.
What ants are bigger?
Giants.
What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dog food.
Where do sharks go on holiday?
Finland.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
Not a fan.
I just made my hamster a strong coffee.
I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel.
The History Channel +1.
Where History repeats itself.
What do you call Postman Pat on the dole?
Pat.
I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me,
“Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.
I replied, “What, drinks?”
He said, “No, birthdays!”
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