I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car that I was working on?..
The suspension is killing me.
People say I’m condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I once tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn’t the real McCoy…
I have to confess, I really enjoy my terrible habit for making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’…
It truly is my ideal vice…
I’ve decided that all dad jokes must now be written down on a piece of paper.
It’s not a dad joke unless it’s tearable…
The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.
Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…
Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
When in doubt, mumble.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
What’s my mother going to do?
Just sold my John Lennon merchandise collection on eBay…
lmagine all the PayPal…
I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day.
I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers…
I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.
I just want to make a difference.
My nickname at school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…
…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.
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