Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today…
The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.
RIP Scott Chegg.
I finally quit drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
Lost my watch at a party once. Then I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’
Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”
Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”
How Many Feminists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.
I don’t hold grudges, my father did and I always hated him for it.
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.
Doctor: “It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”
Man: “Can’t say I do.”
Doctor: “Yep, that’s the main one…”
My dad used to say “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”
Great bloke… Terrible anaesthetist…
Jon Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruitarian diet.
He’s living on a pear.