I just went past a shop selling wigs for only £5.
They look awful but it’s a small price toupee…
I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.”
I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!”
What are you going to do in the weekend?
“I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: It scares the hell out of the dog.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money’s on Dave.
I rang the vet to complain about over the top fees.
He just put the phone down, as quickly and humanely as possible.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about classical composers. I’ll be Chopin.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was still obsessed with her x.
I’ve just joined a new band, we’re called ‘Cat’s Eyes’…
We just play middle of the road stuff.
When I was a child, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup claiming that I loved it…
I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth…
Did you know that there’s no official training for bin men…
They just pick things up as they go along.