How does the pope buy things on eBay?
He uses his papal account.
I’ve joined a club for Tourette’s sufferers –
it took 4 hours to get sworn in.
After months of unemployment and bad luck I’ve just been offered a job in a telescope factory.
Things are really looking up.
My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Someone came up to me last night holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist…
But I think it was the drink talking…
I just witnessed a fight between an auctioneer and a hairdresser…
They were going at it hammer and tongs…
My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.
I guess she’ll have to flip a coin.
Heads or tales.
I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.
It goes without saying…
My wife said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.
So I painted her with Cuprinol.
What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.