Don’t date a tennis player – love means nothing to them.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I’m going to the annual meeting of impatient people next week.
I cant wait…
I’m so bored with life I’ve decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish.
I’m past caring…
My family branded me as a failure.
Then I invented the invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now.
What do dentists call X-rays?
Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat.
So the oily bird gets the warm.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to dis a Brie ?
I introduced my ex-girlfriend to my friends.
My wife scolded me, “Don’t call me that.”
My wife suggested I get a telescope, since I was so interested in astronomy.
I told her I’d look into it.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: “That’s literally all I drink.”
How much does a grand piano cost?