Wednesday’s bottomless bucket of jokes

BREAKING NEWS!

Elton John’s E-reader device has been blown away by a tropical storm

Like a Kindle in the wind.

Bono phoned me the other day to invite me out for dinner in London.

He said ‘I fancy chinese, where do you recommend ?’

I replied ‘Chinatown is good, it’s where the streets have chow mein…’

A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.

The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’

My wife said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!

I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.

I’ve been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo…

I won’t get fuelled again.

Did you know that for 400 years the third letter of the alphabet didn’t exist?

Long time, no C…

After a terrible time with Diarrhoea and a long struggle with Hypercholesterolemia

I finally won the spelling contest.

I’ve decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream!

I’ve just had my first scoop!

I just slipped on the floor of the local library..

I was in the non-friction section.

A furniture store keeps calling me.

But all I wanted was one night stand.

Pink Panthers to do list:

To do
To do
To do, to do, to do
To do, to doooo

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day..

She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?”

I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.

It’s a little fit bunny.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

How does a hamburger introduce his wife?

Meat patty.

Who hides in the bathroom at parties?

The party-pooper.

As a kid I wasn’t a fan of facial hair.

But then it started to grow on me.

My wife has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.

At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.

Then I saw her face…

I hate it when I’m singing to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong!

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane!

My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.

It put me in a very difficult position

I thought my girlfriend was happy to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

“Does this uniform make me look fat?”

Insecurity Guard

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

You don’t see many philosopher puns on here…

I suppose it’s a bit of a Nietzsche market…

My Grandad was always going on about the good old days when you could leave your doors open etc.

Lovely man, terrible submarine Captain…

I was so worried the mechanic would rip me off because I confessed I knew nothing about cars…

Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid.

Monday Mega Joke Bundle

Just saw Prince Charles and Camilla heading for Cornwall on the motorway hogging the middle lane.

I had no option but to undertake them.

I passed the Duchy on the left hand side.

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…

Doctors have said that he should be okay but he’s not out of the woods yet…

I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.

She said “how many years have you had it for?”

I said “15 Love”

WARNING: If you get a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

Plaese warm yu frends!

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

My lab partner invented a device that will steal other people’s ideas and then delete it from their memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

To the person who hid my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle!…

Grow up.

Wife: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!

Husband: I ran out of money.

Advent Calenders….

Their days are numbered.

My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France…

I bought a book on eBay called “How to scam idiots on eBay”

That was 3 months ago, and it’s still not arrived yet!

95% of people are idiots.

I’m glad I’m in the other 15%.

I had a vasectomy so my girlfriend didn’t get pregnant.

All it did though was change the colour of the baby….

The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.

My girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

It turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute.

Totally blew my mind.

I said to my girlfriend, “I need to call the doctor today.”

She said, “Which doctor?”

I said, “No, the regular kind.”

One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.

She keeps trying to make me rave with her!

She won’t techno for an answer.

Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has died.

His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40

I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets but then I forgot..

So I went on a Refresher course

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

I was watching the ‘Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra’ last night and halfway through the bloke on the triangle disappeared…

Why did the slave go to college?

So he could pickup his Master’s degree.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with astrology.

I guess I should have seen the signs..

I like the way the Earth rotates.

It makes my day!

My girlfriend is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on me.

He’s not dead, just very condescending.

My Son told me that I’m “not cut out to be a mime”.

“Was it something I said?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied.

My neighbours are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

A friend of mine thinks the story of how he got an orthopaedic shoe is hilarious but I think he’s built it up too much.

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.

It was a complete waist of time.

They say that being a hostage is hard and mentally draining but…

I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish.

I can’t stop coming to conclusions.

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

A: The ultrasound people.

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra.

Does the written word surpass oral account?

The history of the print revolution

What was the impact on the production of both written texts and music?

In 1440 Johannes Gutenberg invented the modern printing press – things have never been the same since.

Find out more ….

Friday Jokes!

I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”

“Okay” I said, ” You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.

I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You’ve got hypochondria.’

I said, ‘Not that as well.

OK, so “Naked Running” apparently means; no music, no watch, no GPS, no electronics…

Would have been nice to have known that an hour ago!

Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning…

Swede, carrots, lime…

My mom is a hoarder and refuses to throw out her old magazine collection.

She has a lot of issues.

What do you call it when you’re attracted to both men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

Today I learned Albert Einstein really existed.

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

Thursday Jokes.

My teacher always said “violence is never the answer”.

I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword.

26 across – behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

It’s V _ _ L _ N _ E

Any ideas?

The kid next door has an imaginary drum kit.

Can’t beat that!

Q) How do you stop moles from digging up your garden?

A) Hide their spades.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.

I was like Omg …

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59

because I like that one-to-one time

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my therapy room. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As I get older, I think of all the people I’ve lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me?

Dropping Latin phrases into conversations just to sound smart is definitely my modus operandi…

Mid week jokes

I’ve started a boat building business in my attic.

The sails are going through the roof.

A man is washing the car with his son.

His son asks, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

My girlfriend has started her own business reading Tarot cards.

She’s making a fortune.

Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away.

A whim away. A whim away….

I just found out that ‘Aarrgghh’ is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am!

Want to hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it…

It all.

The title says it all.

If Dave has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have left?

Diabetes. Dave has diabetes.

I was in a shop the other day, they put the heating on full blast, I complained to the manager ‘it’s over 90 degrees in here’

He said ‘Stop being so obtuse!’

Why is it that so many Kings are named after fractions?

My wife said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.

So I painted her with Cuprinol.

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.

Tuesday laughs

I would like to put on record my appreciation for those who who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants.

What country doesn’t take cash or credit?

The Czech Republic.

Went to an ABBA theme pub last night. The toilets were amazing…

What a loo!

My wife asked me if I would change our 1 month old son.

I told her I liked the one we have.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

Not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve just bought a house with period features…

My girlfriend really hates that nickname.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The postman.

The postman who?

Look, do you want this parcel or not?

What do you call a fly with no wings?

Still a fly.

The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.

Check this one out: 1

It seems they’ve finally found a cure for erectile dysfunction – that was a long time coming …..

I’ve just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in Tesco!

I’m ok though, just soft tissue damage….

Someone stole all my next door neighbours grass last night.

He’s out there now looking forlorn…

What makes a good democracy?

We should love democracy whether or not it gives us all we wish for. Democracy started out in Athens around 600BC. It was pretty crude.

“In Athenian democracy, every citizen was required to participate or suffer punishment. This practice stands in stark contrast to modern democratic governments in which citizens can choose whether or not they wish to participate. In Athenian democracy, all citizens pulled their weight.

Not everyone in Athens was considered a citizen. Only free, adult men enjoyed the rights and responsibility of citizenship. Only about 20 percent of the population of Athens were citizens. Women were not citizens and therefore could not vote or have any say in the political process. They were rarely permitted out in public and were even restricted as to where they could be within their own homes. Slaves and foreigners were not citizens and also could not participate in the democracy. In the end, democracy existed only for the free men who were originally from Athens.”

A good democracy is characterized by several key features that promote fairness, representation, and effective governance. Here are some essential elements:

  1. Free and Fair Elections:
    • Regular, free, and fair elections are fundamental to democracy. Citizens should have the right to choose their leaders without coercion or manipulation.
  2. Rule of Law:
    • A strong rule of law ensures that all individuals and institutions, including the government, are subject to and accountable under the law. This helps prevent abuse of power.
  3. Protection of Minority Rights:
    • A robust democracy safeguards the rights of minorities, ensuring that the majority doesn’t suppress the interests or rights of minority groups.
  4. Freedom of Expression and Media:
    • Democracy thrives when citizens have the freedom to express their opinions, and there is a vibrant, independent media that provides diverse perspectives and holds those in power accountable.
  5. Civil Liberties:
    • Guaranteeing basic civil liberties, such as freedom of speech, assembly, and religion, is crucial. Citizens should be able to participate in public life without fear of repression.
  6. Political Pluralism:
    • Democracy benefits from a diversity of political parties and interest groups, allowing citizens a range of choices and ensuring a broad representation of views.
  7. Responsive Government:
    • Elected officials should be responsive to the needs and concerns of the citizens. This involves effective communication, accountability, and mechanisms for citizens to influence policymaking.
  8. Citizen Participation:
    • Active citizen engagement goes beyond voting. A good democracy encourages and facilitates citizen participation in decision-making processes at various levels of government.
  9. Independent Judiciary:
    • An independent judiciary acts as a check on the powers of the executive and legislative branches, ensuring that laws are consistent with the constitution and protecting individual rights.
  10. Decentralization of Power:
    • Distributing power at various levels of government can prevent the concentration of power in one entity, making the system more resilient and responsive to local needs.
  11. Political Accountability:
    • Elected officials should be accountable for their actions. This includes transparency in decision-making, ethical conduct, and mechanisms for holding leaders accountable for their actions.
  12. Education and Informed Citizenship:
    • An educated and informed citizenry is essential for the functioning of democracy. Education enables citizens to make informed decisions and actively participate in civic life.
  13. Social Equality:
    • Democracy is strengthened when there is a commitment to social equality, reducing disparities in wealth, education, and access to opportunities.

It’s important to note that these principles are interconnected, and the success of a democratic system often depends on the interplay of these elements. Additionally, the specific characteristics of a good democracy can vary across cultures and societies.

Does your state’s democracy measure up?

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/assuredeffC

Monday Jokes

To the Person who stole my glasses.

I will find you. I have contacts…

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that’s it’s perfectly normal to poop your pants.

He’s still making fun of me though.

I’ve recently developed an irrational fear of elevators.

I’m now taking steps to avoid them.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…

I told her to close the door five times on her way out!

I saw a van with a “No tools left in this van overnight” sticker on the back.

So I broke in during the day.

I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time consuming.

I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read ‘War and Peace’ in 20 seconds.

It’s only 3 words but it’s a start.

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando’s when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

First rule of Thesaurus Club.

You don’t talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club

I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style

I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.

She said “you’re not the only one”.

Some Chinese bloke pushed a little boat through my letterbox this morning…

Turned out to be junk mail.

Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards…

Will get a reward.

Would you believe it, they’ve cancelled my last anger management session without telling me!

I’ve never been so mildly irritated in my life…

My son wanted a bouncy castle for his birthday.

The man said the rental was £50 and the set-up was £1000.

I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

My left shoe says “I don’t smoke or drink”.

My right shoe says “I don’t do drugs”.

They are a pair of sensible shoes…

Welcome to Sea Life Bingo. Eyes down for your first number.

Clickety click, dolphin with a stutter.

Friday Humour.

3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.

There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.
2.
3.

I am going to apply for a job as a waiter…

I could bring a lot to the table.

At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him: “Are you a pole vaulter?”

He replied: “No I’m German but how do you know my name is Walter?”

I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur.

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2².

Why is the divorce rate so high with tennis players?

To them, Love means nothing.

I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.