Philosophy for today
“Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas.”
Philip Houston
Following on from yesterday’s quote on truth and lies, Houston puts forward the idea that we need to have an open mind to clearly see the facts before us. Opinions can cloud our judgements!
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“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.”
Vladimir Lenin
Oh, how I wish this quote wasn’t true in itself, but I believe it is. Lenin informs us and warns us about the pernicious force of propaganda and the malevolent and self-serving oratory of our political leaders. Seek the facts and beware of good stories!
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“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.”
Aldous Huxley
Aldous Leonard Huxley was a 20th Century English writer and philosopher who wrote the novel “Brave New World”. This quote resonates with me for as much as we wish, we cannot change the truth!
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“Hope is the fuel of progress and fear is the prison in which you put yourself”
Tony Benn
Although this is a political quote from the 20th Century, the message is timeless. It is a call for optimism and a positive outlook. Fear and anxiety can stop us from acting and keep us from moving forward. Seize the day!
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My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?
I asked the children at school what they knew about the astronomer Galileo…
According to one lad..…
‘He was just a poor boy from a poor family’..…
Orions Belt is a big ‘waist of space’…
Sorry, very average pun, only three stars…
I got my grandma a new walking frame specially made by NASA and she’s starting to get the hang of it…
It’s one small step for Nan…
I tried looking at the solar eclipse using a colander but I ended up straining my eyes…
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it…
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
No sun.
Neil Armstrong makes it to the moon and takes 5 pictures.
Girls go to the bathroom and take 57!
What’s a specimen?
An Italian astronaut!
My favourite name for a planet is Saturn. It has a nice ring to it…
There’s no future in time travel.
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
How do you deal with a sad astronaut?
Just give them some space.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
My wife suggested I get a telescope since I was so interested in astronomy.
I told her I’d look into it.
Entered my photo of Orion’s Belt into a local art competition.
I didn’t win, but I did get a constellation prize…
251 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.
No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Went to a space-themed party, and the burgers were better than normal.
They were a little meteor.
Why are they called “hemorrhoids”?
They should be called “asteroids”?
It’s an astronaut’s first day on the ISS and he’s making himself a coffee.
He says to a colleague: “I can’t find the milk”
And the other astronaut grins “In space, no one can, here use cream”
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So we have referendums, polls, political votes, surveys, juries, committees, parliaments, and consumer groups. The majority view must prevail. We have traditions, practices, accepted beliefs, and ways of life. The status quo must prevail. But where does the truth lie and is the will of the majority always right?
Socrates was an ancient Greek philosopher who lived in the fifth century before the common era and was considered to be the main source of Western thought. He was most famous for challenging conventional thinking and never trusted conventional wisdom or the thoughts of the majority. Instead, he developed a method for critiquing the prevailing doctrines and searching for where the real truth lay.
Author Alain de Botton summarised the Socratic method of thinking to search for truth in the following steps:
Socrates said, “Why should we pay so much attention to what the majority thinks?”. It is easy to understand what he meant by this. In these days of social media mob rule is common and jingoism is rife. To question is to invite trolls or lose “likes”.
Socrates’ student Plato summed up the above by saying “A good decision is based on knowledge and not on numbers.” Sometimes we must be brave and swim against the stream, despite the personal cost of losing popularity among our peers.
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Dog Jokes.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
My Twitter password has been hacked again…
This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’
‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
What breed of dog will unlock your front door?
Yorkie.
My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said, “No, I didn’t even know he could.”
I’ve taught my dog to bark along to ‘Sweet Caroline’.
He’s a bit of a ruff Diamond…
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground…
We went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.
Buckingham Palace has advertised for a gas engineer who can also walk the dogs…
Must be corgi registered.
I went to the zoo once, there was just one dog in it, it was a shihtzu…
I’ve been teaching my dog to beg.
It’s going well, yesterday he came back with £25!
I’ve named my dog “ten miles” just so I can tell people I walk ten miles twice a day.
The dog is barking at the back door and the wife is yelling at the front door.
Who do you let in first?..
The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.
What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dog food.
I threw a ball for my dog…
It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
Two dogs are sitting in a bar.
The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”
The second dog says, “Sure!”
The first dog says, “Knock knock.”
The second says… “WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”
I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”
She asked, “Would you like to insure him too?”
I said, “No thanks, he can’t drive!”
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn’t afford a dog.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that…
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
What wears a fur coat in winter, and pants in summer?
A dog.
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
It’s raining cats and dogs out there.
I know, I just stepped in a poodle.
Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy, and biscuits.
My wife just said, “Where are you off to dressed up like a dog’s dinner?”.
I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said, “This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”
I replied, “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”
Played frisbee in the park with my dog yesterday.
Not much good though, I think I’m going to need a flatter dog….
Taking a dog named ‘Shark’ to the beach is a very bad idea…
I know a dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings.
He’s a boxer.
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the lamp-post.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”
Cat Jokes.
I used to work at a cat shelter but I had to quit.
They reduced meowers.
Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.
She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious the poor woman thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?
Claude.
I turned into a cat earlier ….
Don’t ask me-ow!
My in-laws couldn’t cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the canal.
I did it but It broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.
My cat is recovering after a massive stroke.
I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.
He said: “Me? How?”
What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but the frogs croaks every night.
Does anyone know the number of a vet?
My mate has been checking the room sizes in his new flat and the cat has suffered some head injuries.
My Great Grandad helped build the lion statues in Trafalgar Square…
That really put the cat amongst the pigeons…
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.
He was wearing a cat flap.
My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…
What a feline!
What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dog food.
Everyone was entertained when Lionel Ritchie took his performing cat to Sea World.
What a feline, dancing on the sea lion…
My cat was just sick on the carpet,
I don’t think it’s feline well.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”
I spotted a lion at the zoo the other day.
He looks like a leopard now.
Lost money playing poker with one of the big cats at the zoo.
Think he was a cheetah.
Went for dinner with the zoo animals the other day.
They didn’t all bring their wallets, I ended up paying the lion’s share.
Admit it, you’re hooked on humor! This site is your intervention for laughter, a support group disguised as a joke vault. We’ve got puns about rehab, one-liners about caffeine dependence, and enough social commentary to make you forget about that social media scroll you just can’t quit. Whether your vice is video games, working late, or that extra slice of cake, you’ll find relatable humor (and maybe a helpful nudge) inside. So, step into our circle, share your battle cries (or cravings!), and remember, laughter might not be the cure, but it’s definitely the best medicine (besides actual medicine, of course).
I’m addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I’m clean now.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, although it’s only mild.
A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money’s on Dave.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
My family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles.
It’s ok though, I know where to draw the line.
My struggle with steroid addiction has only made me stronger.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…
I told him to calm down and not to fret.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years. I keep telling people I’m trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Went to a water park, tried a couple of slides and now I’m worried I’m getting addicted.
It’s a slippery slope.
My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.
I said, “On what grounds?”
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.
Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
And that’s not all …..
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My Dad Jokes.
People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough he was eaten by his favourite lion last Friday.
I asked my Dad what it was like learning Braille, but he didn’t want to tell me.
I didn’t realize it was such a touchy subject.
My dad said he was going to set me up for life.
Of course, I was excited by the idea.
Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.
My Dad always used to tell me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”
He was a lovely man. Terrible geologist though.
When I was little my Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.
I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth.
My dad always used to say ‘out with the old and in with the new’.
Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer…
My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”
Nice man. Made horrible tea.
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He gave me a hug.
My dad always used to say “To do a job properly, never cut any corners ”
Nice man, terrible carpenter…
I was named after my Dad. Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
My dad was renowned for ‘thinking outside the box’.
Great guy… Terrible goalkeeper.
I told my wife that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.
She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”
I said, “No, but he wants to be.”
My dad suggested I register for a donor card.
He’s a man after my own heart.
I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.
“Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!
When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.
He’s my non-biological father.
Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”
Me: “Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.”
My Dad took an airline to court after his luggage went missing.
Unfortunately, he lost his case.
It is not appropriate to make a Dad Joke if you are not a Dad.
In fact, it’s a faux pa…
As I handed my Dad his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would have been enough.”
I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on me.
He’s not dead, just very condescending.
My dad was always going on about the good old days when you could leave your doors open etc.
Lovely man, terrible submarine Captain…
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol…
He didn’t drink, he was just terrible at quizzes.
My dad invented the cold air balloon.
It never really took off.
My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”
Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…
My dad has the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I come from a family of entertainers, my dad was a failed magician.
I’ve also got two half-sisters.
Dad is down at the car dealership, looking at potential choices.
“Cargo space?” he asks.
The salesman says: “Car no do that. Car go road.”
My dad drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.
He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.
My dad always said “don’t believe everything you hear”
It was great advice…
Or was it?
My dad always used to say; “As one door closes, another one opens…”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
My Dad once gave me an abacus shaped like a castle for my birthday.
Well it’s the fort that counts…
My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.
I thanked him for being so transparent.
I don’t hold grudges.
My dad did and I always hated him for it.
My dad used to say “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”
Great bloke… Terrible anaesthetist…
My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’.
Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
My dad makes plastic letters for toilet doors…
He’s certainly got an I for the ladies.
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