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Joke of the Day: Restaurants
Asked in a local restaurant how they prepare their chickens.
Chap said, “We just tell them straight that they’re going to die”.
I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager said: “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said “No.”
“Good” he said. “Take these drinks to table 7.”
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French and surprised everybody.
It was a Chinese restaurant.
Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do takeaways.
I was eating at a restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, ”Does anyone know CPR?” I
shouted, ”I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed…
Well everyone except this one guy.
Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.
It’ll be Trial by Fire.
Went to a trendy restaurant and had a pelican curry.
Tasted ok, but the bill was enormous.
Stayed in an Elvis themed hotel.
The burgers in the restaurant are for people who Love Meat Tender.
I had dinner once with a Chess Grand Master in a restaurant with checked tablecloths..
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Out for dinner last night, I ordered from The Specials menu.
Think I had Too Much Fu Yung.
Went to a restaurant last night with my wife.
Chap said, “Do you have reservations?”.
I said, “Yes, the food is probably overcooked and bland”.
A friend has bought an old aircraft, taken the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant beside the airport terminal.
I don’t think it will take off.
Phoned a restaurant and asked for a table for two.
Chap said I had the wrong number so asked for a table for four instead.
I called a local restaurant the other night and said, “Do you do takeaways?”
They said “Yes”, so I said “what’s 23452 minus 345?”
There’s a new Italian Restaurant called “Good King Wenceslas”.
All their pizzas are deep pan, crisp, and even.
Local Italian restaurant has made the country’s biggest pizza base.
I’d love to see someone top that.
I was in the local Karma Restaurant the other night.
No main courses on the menu.
Just desserts.
I was in an Indian restaurant the other night, and I ordered my naan bread.
I don’t know why, she doesn’t even like it.
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Thought of the Day: Hot Dog
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Quote of the Day: Wisdom
“Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.”
Plato
Plato was a 4th Century BC greek philosopher who had a long life, thought to have died at about the age of 80. He was a prolific writer and this site could be more than filled with his quotes alone, but this quote reminds us that it is not the volume of words that you speak, or the volume of sound at which you speak them, moreover it is the value of the words chosen that counts.
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Joke of the Day: Dark
I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill.
These are the darkest days of my life.
I don’t like to talk about my years spent working as a cinema usher.
I was in a dark place at the time.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
Forecast for tonight:
Dark
Why were the Dark Ages so dark?
Because there were so many knights.
We’ve got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night…
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
I saw a horse in a wild west show that glowed in the dark once. #
Think he was rodeo active.
The electricity company cut my friend off without telling him why..
I don’t know why they’re keeping him in the dark.
Friend of mine got a job as a road cleaner who only works after dark.
I don’t know how he sweeps at night.
Was in an interview once and got asked to describe my life in a nutshell.
I said, “it’s cramped and dark in here”.
Why did the Jedi cross the road?
To get to the Dark Side.
My local football team has lost more matches than me trying to light a candle in the dark.
Making a film about playing chess in a lift.
The Dark Knight Rises.
A friend has a horse that will only come out after dark.
It’s a nightmare.
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Thought of the Day: Poison
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Joke of the Day: Hands
Why shouldn’t you shake hands with Tigger?
Because he plays with Pooh.
My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…
She’s a vigilauntie.
I recently went to a seance hosted by Neil Diamond…
Hands, touching hands, reaching out…
6.30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
I was once abducted by aliens.
They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables…
Turns out I was on the mothership.
They say that being a hostage is hard and mentally draining but… I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder. He never liked to throw anything away.
He died in the war holding a hand grenade.
When I told my wife I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.
Then I saw the grenade in her hand!
I just sold all my glove puppets.
A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful.
Ticket inspectors; you’ve got to hand it to them.
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Thought of the Day: Sunday
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Baking Jokes
Calling all whisk warriors and flour fiends! Get ready to sink your teeth into some knead-slapping humor! This website is your one-stop shop for all things baking-related puns, jokes, and hilarious mishaps that are sure to leave you feeling batter than ever. Whether you’re a seasoned baker who can whip up a soufflé with your eyes closed, or a kitchen novice whose idea of baking is burning toast, we’ve got something to tickle your funny bone. So preheat your laughter oven, grab your rolling pin of wit, and get ready to whisk away your worries with some truly wheatie jokes!
I used to know a baker who had red hair.
He was a ginger bread man.
Someone banged into me in the bakery, smashing my pies & pasties.
Serves me right for putting all my Greggs in one basket.
What is it with bakers??
They’ve always got something to prove…
I said to the baker, “How come all your cakes are 50p, but that one’s £1?”
He said, “That’s Madeira cake”.
I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs.
They must be baking in there.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.
His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”
The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”
A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.
I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day.
Roll on Tuesday!
My friend has lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on his head.
It’s a new loaf hat diet he’s trying.
For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.
Drum roll please.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ was better than ‘white bread’..
They were Hovis witnesses.
FUN FACT! Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?
Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I went to a fancy dress party last weekend dressed as a loaf of bread…
The birds were all over me.
And that’s not all ….
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Thought of the Day: Deliveries
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