Sorry about the spoonerism!
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Quote of the Day: Fools
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
Doris Smith
Doris Buchanan Smith was a 20th Century American author who wrote “A Taste of Blackberries”. This quote reminds us of the folly of arguing with people who do not share our knowledge on a subject. It should be enough to know we are right without having to prove it. On these occasions, we should keep our counsel.
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Joke of the Day: Police
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night.
Police are currently scouring the area…
A lorry carrying onions has shed its load all over the M1.
Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
The police knocked at my door last night… “Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?”
I said, “Velocity?”
A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw & the other made of wood.
Police think that its probably a lone wolf.
Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.
They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.
I got stopped for speeding by a woman police officer.
I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”
I got pulled over by a traffic policeman.
He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
A load of irons were stolen from a launderette…
Police want to do a press conference.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform.
I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realised he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Breaking News!
Police are warning of a large volume of fake passports and photo driving licences hitting the black market this month.
Beware the IDs of March….
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…
He has a history of violins…
Police want to interview a man suspected of burglary wearing stockings and suspenders…
However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that…
The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three piece suite!
Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty
BREAKING NEWS !
The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes…
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery…
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern!
Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.
The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…
BREAKING NEWS!
A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.
Police say the road is choc a block…
BREAKING NEWS!
Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.
Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police haven’t got a lead.
I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head…
He was the custardy sergeant.
What did the police officer say to his belly?
You’re under a vest!
My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns…
I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.
I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…
I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day.
I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers…
BREAKING NEWS!
Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets and dividers.
Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals…
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…
2 boys have been stopped by police for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill.
A police spokesman said “those boys were Dyson with death”
What do you get when you cut a Policeman’s Head in 4 Pieces?
Police Head Quarters..
2 policemen knocked on my door last night.
They said “we’ve been getting complaints”
“You should start doing a better job then!” I replied
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
A lorry has spilled its load of bricks over the road.
Police say queues are building.
BREAKING NEWS!
A lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed it’s load on the M1.
Police are reporting cues in both directions.
Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese and pineapple.
Police believe he may have topped himself.
Thieves who stole three tonnes of tarmac are believed to currently be in hiding.
A police spokesman said; “We are hoping that they will resurface soon”.
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Thought of the Day: Fish
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Joke of the Day: Restaurants
Asked in a local restaurant how they prepare their chickens.
Chap said, “We just tell them straight that they’re going to die”.
I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager said: “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said “No.”
“Good” he said. “Take these drinks to table 7.”
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French and surprised everybody.
It was a Chinese restaurant.
Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do takeaways.
I was eating at a restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, ”Does anyone know CPR?” I
shouted, ”I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed…
Well everyone except this one guy.
Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.
It’ll be Trial by Fire.
Went to a trendy restaurant and had a pelican curry.
Tasted ok, but the bill was enormous.
Stayed in an Elvis themed hotel.
The burgers in the restaurant are for people who Love Meat Tender.
I had dinner once with a Chess Grand Master in a restaurant with checked tablecloths..
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Out for dinner last night, I ordered from The Specials menu.
Think I had Too Much Fu Yung.
Went to a restaurant last night with my wife.
Chap said, “Do you have reservations?”.
I said, “Yes, the food is probably overcooked and bland”.
A friend has bought an old aircraft, taken the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant beside the airport terminal.
I don’t think it will take off.
Phoned a restaurant and asked for a table for two.
Chap said I had the wrong number so asked for a table for four instead.
I called a local restaurant the other night and said, “Do you do takeaways?”
They said “Yes”, so I said “what’s 23452 minus 345?”
There’s a new Italian Restaurant called “Good King Wenceslas”.
All their pizzas are deep pan, crisp, and even.
Local Italian restaurant has made the country’s biggest pizza base.
I’d love to see someone top that.
I was in the local Karma Restaurant the other night.
No main courses on the menu.
Just desserts.
I was in an Indian restaurant the other night, and I ordered my naan bread.
I don’t know why, she doesn’t even like it.
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Thought of the Day: Hot Dog
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Quote of the Day: Wisdom
“Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.”
Plato
Plato was a 4th Century BC greek philosopher who had a long life, thought to have died at about the age of 80. He was a prolific writer and this site could be more than filled with his quotes alone, but this quote reminds us that it is not the volume of words that you speak, or the volume of sound at which you speak them, moreover it is the value of the words chosen that counts.
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Joke of the Day: Dark
I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill.
These are the darkest days of my life.
I don’t like to talk about my years spent working as a cinema usher.
I was in a dark place at the time.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
Forecast for tonight:
Dark
Why were the Dark Ages so dark?
Because there were so many knights.
We’ve got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night…
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
I saw a horse in a wild west show that glowed in the dark once. #
Think he was rodeo active.
The electricity company cut my friend off without telling him why..
I don’t know why they’re keeping him in the dark.
Friend of mine got a job as a road cleaner who only works after dark.
I don’t know how he sweeps at night.
Was in an interview once and got asked to describe my life in a nutshell.
I said, “it’s cramped and dark in here”.
Why did the Jedi cross the road?
To get to the Dark Side.
My local football team has lost more matches than me trying to light a candle in the dark.
Making a film about playing chess in a lift.
The Dark Knight Rises.
A friend has a horse that will only come out after dark.
It’s a nightmare.
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Thought of the Day: Poison
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Joke of the Day: Hands
Why shouldn’t you shake hands with Tigger?
Because he plays with Pooh.
My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…
She’s a vigilauntie.
I recently went to a seance hosted by Neil Diamond…
Hands, touching hands, reaching out…
6.30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
I was once abducted by aliens.
They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables…
Turns out I was on the mothership.
They say that being a hostage is hard and mentally draining but… I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder. He never liked to throw anything away.
He died in the war holding a hand grenade.
When I told my wife I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.
Then I saw the grenade in her hand!
I just sold all my glove puppets.
A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful.
Ticket inspectors; you’ve got to hand it to them.
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