Wednesday’s woodshed of wonky wagon wheels ….

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

I thought it would be easy to balance a bucket of Tippex on my head…

I stand corrected…

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands…

Those were my Holland days…

I met my wife at ‘Castanets Club’.

We clicked straight away…

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo…

I had to put my foot down.

If I had to rate 60’s pop artists on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give Dave Clark five…

I’ve had to close down my business making worktops.

It was counter productive.

My son’s pet frog broke his leg yesterday.

He was very unhoppy…

How old is All-Bran?

I’m just looking for the rough age.

There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning..

It sent ripples through the whole building.

My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets his Snickers in a Twix.

What color socks do bears wear?

They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet!

What do you call Bears with no ears?

B.

I saw a guy in the pub last night carrying 12 pints of lager.

I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.

Tuesday’s tram transit of tasty tarts …

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

Nobody ever asks how Coca Cola is doing.

It’s always, “Is Pepsi okay?”

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

My business making clothes out of cheese has gone bust…

Turns out that fromage frays

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, although it’s only mild.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

When should you go on a cheese diet?

When you need to cheddar a few pounds.

Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese?

He double Gloucester!

If you didn’t like my cheese joke earlier today…

You must be laughtose intolerant!

Did you hear about the cheese that failed to medal at the Olympics?

It fell at the final curdle.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you’re naked in church.

Netflix horror movies.

A metaphor about movies and emotions.

Netflix horror movies.

I’ve got this friend called Joe. He’s a real film fanatic, he streams movies nearly every night and watches all the latest releases. However, he hates scary movies, but this is the weird thing…. when he signs into Netflix, something strange happens! On the opening screen of Netflix are all the films he loves to watch – the bright, happy, action-packed movies. The ones with the happy endings. The ones that make him feel good.

But for some reason Joe feels compelled to scroll down past these movies and go to the end of the categories until he comes to where all the horror films are listed. Joe doesn’t want to watch these films as he knows they will upset him, and make him feel scared and sad. But each evening he ends up choosing one these films to stream…. his choice. He draws the curtains and lowers the lights to make it just that little bit more scary. He can hardly bare to watch the horror – yet he still does.

He goes home with dread most evenings knowing that he will play these scary films over and over again. And of course, the next morning he starts the day with a heavy heart and a feeling of dread. He never seems to learn. He forgets he can choose which films to play.

Fake news!

Our subconscoious mind is the mind of a 6 year old. It does not know the difference between what is real and what is not! That is the very reason why we watch films …. when we are playing a movie our subconscious views it as though it were really happening and tells our body how to respond. If it is a scary movie, the mind will instruct the body to produce a whole load of adrenaline to prepare us for fight or flight! But hey, this is just a movie – it is FAKE NEWS!

Our subconscious also views all our experiences, whether memories from the past, or musing of what is yet to come, as movies. Real life is documentary, and the future imagined is fantasy. When we imagine what will happen in the future, to prepare ourselves for what is to come, we naturally will play a movie in our mind. However, it is fake news as it has yet to happen. So play a bright and happy movie when you imagine what is to come and you will feel better for it – don’t be like Joe and get drawn in to the horror section!

Monday’s mansion of macaroons ….

You can listen if you like!

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car that I was working on?..

The suspension is killing me.

People say I’m condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I once tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn’t the real McCoy…

I have to confess, I really enjoy my terrible habit for making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’…

It truly is my ideal vice…

I’ve decided that all dad jokes must now be written down on a piece of paper.

It’s not a dad joke unless it’s tearable…

The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.

Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…

Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.

When in doubt, mumble.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

What’s my mother going to do?

Just sold my John Lennon merchandise collection on eBay…

lmagine all the PayPal…

I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers…

I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…

…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.

Friday’s fragrance of fancifulness …

My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning.

I can’t believe Gaviscon.

“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”

“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”

My mates music collection is amazing!

Well except for a few CDs by this one awful pop act.

So I’m taking Steps to change it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I changed my password to “incorrect”.

So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.

Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…

Bread is a lot like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I started my own all natural fertilizer company recently.

I guess that makes me an entremanure!

Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.

It’ll be Trial by Fire.

What sound does a witch’s car make?

Broom broom.

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

The first day at school.

A metaphor about self-fulfilling prophecy.

The first day at school.

A year ago, a young family moved next door to me with an adorable six year old child. Like all six year old boys, he doted on his parents and believed everything they said. He believed in the tooth fairy and Father Christmas.

They had moved in September and soon after whilst chatting over the fence his mum told me about the boy’s first day at school. He was a quiet and shy child and didn’t mix well and was prone to getting embarrassed when being the centre of attention.

She told me that as they walked to school, to prepare him for his first day in a new school that she warned him what was likely to happen. She said to him that he would have to stand up in front of the whole class, introduce himself and tell all the other unknown boys and girls about his life.

She warned him that when he stood up and opened his mouth he was likely to stutter and stammer and his mind would go blank because he was just like her and that’s what they “do”. He was likely to go bright red and silent, and all the other boys and girls would probably laugh at him so he may sit down in tears.

Feeling content that she had warned him, she kissed him goodbye and watched him walk away with a tear in her eye.

Later, when she collected him from the school gate, the first thing her son said was “Mum, you knew EXACTLY what would happen…and it did!”

The mum smiled and cuddled him, knowing that she had prepared him well.

Epilogue.

The next year his dad took him to school. Dad believed in a different form of preparation and said to the son that he would have to stand up in front of the class and tell all the other boys and girls about his summer holidays. This time when he stood up he would beam with excitement because he’d had the best holiday and would talk confidently about himself because the children would all love to hear his tales.

Funnily enough, when his dad collected him from the school gates, the boy was amazed, and said “Dad, you knew EXACTLY what would happen….and it did!”

The dad smiled and cuddled him, knowing that he had prepared him well.

Thursday’s thoroughfare of thunderclaps …

You can listen too …

Paul McCartney wrote a book in the 60s about Indian yoghurt based dips.

Paperback raita.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”

I asked “Are you single??”

She replied “No, I’m a dentist.”

I used to be in an 80s band called ‘The Prevention’.

We were better than The Cure.

I asked Sinead O’Connor which evergreen conifer tree she would recommend.

She said nothing compares to yew…

Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.

I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…

My wife was upset because she thinks I don’t like her cooking…

So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy…

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler…

My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.

I thanked him for being so transparent.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two.

People laugh at my car because it’s ugly and green.

But at least I avocado.

Wednesday’s waterworks of waffle …

Listen if you like!

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

My girlfriend asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

Wine improves with age.

The older you get, the more you like it.

What ants are small?

Infants.

What ants are big?

Elephants.

What ants are bigger?

Giants.

What do you call a cat with no legs?

Dog food.

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

I just made my hamster a strong coffee.

I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel.

The History Channel +1.

Where History repeats itself.

What do you call Postman Pat on the dole?

Pat.

I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.

The doorman said to me,

“Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.

I replied, “What, drinks?”

He said, “No, birthdays!”

Tuesday’s tree trunk of truffles ….

Feeling lazy? … why not listen instead!

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

And the award for best neck wear goes to…

Well would you look at that!, it’s a tie!

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

I’m not a complete idiot – several parts are missing.

Went to an ABBA theme pub last night.

The toilets were amazing!.

What a loo…!!

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walked into a bar.

The rabbit says “I think I might be a typo…”

I surprised my wife by getting romantic last night…

Best Scrabble score I’ve ever had…

Feeling a bit fed up and been comfort eating all day…

Now my breath smells of fabric conditioner.

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

It’s raining cats and dogs out there.

I know, I just stepped in a poodle.

Monday’s meteor of moonshine …

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns…

I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.

First rule of ‘Rick Astley Fight Club’;
You know the rules and so do I…

I have a friend that sells second hand mountaineering equipment…

It’s money for old rope.

My wealthy friend lives in a castle.

For his son’s 5th birthday party they hired a bouncy council house…

It’s ‘Jamaican hairstyle day’ at work next week.

I’m dreading it.

There is a new type of head lice going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.

It’s left scientists scratching their heads…

I’m having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse.

Last five nights on the trot…

During his time in the army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with no one else about…

He was a buff alone soldier.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday.

But I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper.

What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you’ll get a “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis.”