When you drink alcohol, the alcohol is getting drunk too.
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Advice of the Day: Blame
If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.
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Quote of the Day: Wasting Time
“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.”
Marthe Troly-Curtin
Marthe Troly-Curtin was a 20th Century author who is best remembered for the Phrynette novels. This quote turns the common thought about time wasting on its head! As I write this, it is the holiday season for most people. The perfect time to spend time on old movies, jigsaw puzzles, board games, or afternoon naps. Enjoy wasting time because as Marthe says it “is not wasted time”!
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Joke of the Day: Therapy
Feeling a little couch potato-ed by life’s stresses? Then welcome to the funniest therapy session you’ll never pay for! This site is your free consultation of laughter, dissecting the anxieties and awkwardness of everyday life with a healthy dose of humor. We’ve got jokes about therapists, self-help gone wrong, and the relatable struggles we all face (because, let’s face it, sometimes you gotta laugh to keep from crying). So, grab your metaphorical tissues (or prepare to snort-laugh), settle in, and get ready to explore the lighter side of therapy. After all, laughter might not be the cure, but it’s definitely cheaper than a co-pay!
I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn.
But after therapy.. I’ve managed to conker it.
Sting has launched an aromatherapy range.
It’s a massage in a bottle.
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head.
He said, “Tell me more”.
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.
I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?
My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin, to draw out excess moisture…
Wow! I’m cured.
The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”
My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”
I said, “My truck.”
My grief counsellor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn’t care.
The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets…
But first, I’ve got to want to help myself .
A man is talking with his therapist.
The therapist says, “It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”
The man replies, “Can’t say I do.”
The therapist says, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
She said, “I’m glad that you’re finally battling your Damons.”
My massage therapist got fired.
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.
A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, “Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I’m stuck inside a deck of cards.”
The therapist looked at him calmly and said, “I’m with another client. I’ll deal with you later.”
What did the skier say to the therapist?
My life is going downhill.
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why?
Patient: Yes!
The therapist said to me, “Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?”
I said, “To be honest, I had no idea my wife even sold flowers.”
My therapist refused to help me with my fear of backing up my car.
She said she would under no circumstances perform reverse psychology.
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I’m lack toes intolerant.
Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys.
Therapist: Tell me why.
My therapist tells me I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
My therapist just told me that my exhibitionism addiction is incurable.
I’ll show her.
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
My therapist warned me that I’m getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
I’m seeing a therapist for my kleptomania.
I’m taking away something valuable from each session.
And there’s more …..
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Thought of the Day: Dogs
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Quote of the Day: Invention
“Necessity is the mother of invention.”
Plato
4th Century BC Athenian Plato was not only a philosopher but was also an influential authority on politics, ethics, logic, and mathematics. This quote struck me on how society changes at times of adversity. Although we view most quotes on a macro level, sometimes quotes can be impactive on our personal circumstances. When we live in times of relative wealth, health, and peace we become comfortable in our aims, thoughts, and actions. Now in these post-pandemic days of high inflation, low wages, energy poverty, and social strife, we become more resourceful in our day-to-day lives. For me, I boil my eggs in a kettle save water and electricity … what is your necessity and invention?
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Eggs Jokes
Egg-cellent Laughs: Crack Into Today’s Egg Jokes
Ready to whisk up some fun? Our “Joke of the Day: Eggs” brings you a dozen egg-citing puns and yolk-filled one-liners that are sure to make you giggle—whether you’re a breakfast lover or a pun aficionado. From classic wordplay about omelets and hens to playful twists on everyday clichés, these egg-themed jokes are perfect for sharing at brunch, in the kitchen, or during a silly conversation crack-up!
I really don’t want to see puns about French eggs on Twitter anymore.
Un oeuf is un oeuf.
It’s IKEA’s birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there’s your damn cake.
FUN FACT!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk…
It’s one of the few animals that can make its own custard!
I’ve lost my job at the farm collecting eggs from chickens.
I’ve been laid off.
Saw the world’s largest egg earlier.
Thought to myself, that’ll take some beating.
I just wrote a really good egg joke.
But someone’s poached it off me…
I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon.
I’ll let you know…
Farmer thought that the barn he kept his chickens in was haunted.
Had to call an eggsorcist.
Turns out it was a poultrygeist.
I’ve decided to put all my eggs in one basket so I don’t look daft walking around the supermarket.
Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands…
Those were my Holland days…
The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.
RIP Scott Chegg.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Great Eggspectations.
A classic novel by Charles Chickens.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.
Where’s the best place to find out about eggs?
In a hencyclopedia.
What’s an egg’s least favourite day?
Fryday.
What do you call a travelling egg?
An Eggsplorer.
How do chickens leave the motorway?
They take the eggs-it.
What is a chicken racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
I bought a dalek egg timer.
After three minutes, it shouts “Eggs Terminate”…
What does a space chicken lay?
Eggstra-Terrestrials.
Spent hours questioning an egg.
Think it’s about to crack.
And there’s more ….
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Thought of the Day: Friar Tuck’s
Sorry about the spoonerism!
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Quote of the Day: Fools
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
Doris Smith
Doris Buchanan Smith was a 20th Century American author who wrote “A Taste of Blackberries”. This quote reminds us of the folly of arguing with people who do not share our knowledge on a subject. It should be enough to know we are right without having to prove it. On these occasions, we should keep our counsel.
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Joke of the Day: Police
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night.
Police are currently scouring the area…
A lorry carrying onions has shed its load all over the M1.
Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
The police knocked at my door last night… “Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?”
I said, “Velocity?”
A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw & the other made of wood.
Police think that its probably a lone wolf.
Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.
They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.
I got stopped for speeding by a woman police officer.
I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”
I got pulled over by a traffic policeman.
He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
A load of irons were stolen from a launderette…
Police want to do a press conference.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform.
I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realised he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Breaking News!
Police are warning of a large volume of fake passports and photo driving licences hitting the black market this month.
Beware the IDs of March….
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…
He has a history of violins…
Police want to interview a man suspected of burglary wearing stockings and suspenders…
However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that…
The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three piece suite!
Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty
BREAKING NEWS !
The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes…
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery…
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern!
Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.
The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…
BREAKING NEWS!
A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.
Police say the road is choc a block…
BREAKING NEWS!
Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.
Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police haven’t got a lead.
I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head…
He was the custardy sergeant.
What did the police officer say to his belly?
You’re under a vest!
My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns…
I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.
I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…
I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day.
I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers…
BREAKING NEWS!
Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets and dividers.
Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals…
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…
2 boys have been stopped by police for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill.
A police spokesman said “those boys were Dyson with death”
What do you get when you cut a Policeman’s Head in 4 Pieces?
Police Head Quarters..
2 policemen knocked on my door last night.
They said “we’ve been getting complaints”
“You should start doing a better job then!” I replied
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
A lorry has spilled its load of bricks over the road.
Police say queues are building.
BREAKING NEWS!
A lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed it’s load on the M1.
Police are reporting cues in both directions.
Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese and pineapple.
Police believe he may have topped himself.
Thieves who stole three tonnes of tarmac are believed to currently be in hiding.
A police spokesman said; “We are hoping that they will resurface soon”.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
