“Minds are like manicured gardens—they flourish best when nurtured.”
Woody Wiseacre
Who was Woody Wiseacre?
Woody Wiseacre (1853–1911) was a Victorian horticulturist, eccentric pamphleteer, and self-declared “mental landscaper.” Best remembered for simultaneously pruning roses and lecturing on abstract logic, Wiseacre believed that well-maintained flowerbeds were a direct metaphor for cognitive wellbeing.
Despite never publishing a formal treatise, his hand-typed leaflets—often distributed in parks and slipped into potted plants—gained cult status among thinkers and gardeners alike. This quote first appeared at a philosophical allotment society in Norwich, where he reportedly watered dahlias while reciting Descartes.
To Wiseacre, a neglected mind was as tragic as a weed-choked flowerbed: untended, unruly, and in dire need of compost.
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“Minds are like parachutes—they only work when they’re open.” — Humfray P. Paradox
Who was Humfray P. Paradox?
Often described as the “thinking person’s conundrum,” Humfray Percival Paradox (1902–1977) was a British balloonist, amateur philosopher, and part-time haberdasher. Best known for getting stuck in a revolving door for three hours while contemplating freedom, Paradox spent much of his life writing contradictory essays and taking both sides in arguments — often simultaneously.
This particular quote was first muttered while skydiving over the Cotswolds in 1934. His parachute opened. His mind followed shortly after.
Humfray believed that stubbornness was the enemy of wisdom. He urged people to keep their thoughts flexible, elastic, and slightly drafty — lest they crash land in ignorance.
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We will never be able to hear about the perfect crime.
There’s something rather comforting about the idea that no matter how advanced our forensics become, how sharp our detectives, how binge-worthy our true crime documentaries – the perfect crime will always remain… a mystery.
Why? Because we’ll never hear about it.
No confessions. No loose ends. No Netflix docuseries. Just a flawless vanishing act, hidden forever behind a curtain of silence and plausible deniability. It’s the sort of thing that keeps philosophers intrigued, criminals inspired, and the rest of us slightly suspicious of that one neighbour who’s just a little too quiet.
Remember: if you’ve heard about it, it wasn’t perfect.
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“If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.”
There are many benefits to having a good friend – emotional support, shared memories, someone to help move a sofa. But perhaps the most underrated perk is their ability to halve your odds of becoming shark food.
Today’s advice from the Wise Sage is both statistically reassuring and morally ambiguous: “If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.”
Not because sharks are less likely to attack. Just… well, do the maths.
Of course, this isn’t an endorsement for using Dave from accounts as a human flotation device in Great White territory. But let’s face it, there’s a comfort in knowing that should a shark appear, you only need to swim faster than one person.
So next time you hit the water, remember: it’s not about trust, it’s about survival ratios.
And maybe bring someone slower.
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Welcome to our slightly off-kilter corner of comedy – accident jokes! Don’t worry, these mishaps are all in good humour. From banana peel blunders to DIY disasters, we’ve gathered the funniest (and safest!) jokes about life’s little stumbles and pratfalls. Sit back, have a laugh, and remember—no actual limbs were harmed in the making of this page.
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”
I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake ?”
I replied “Not you as well !!”
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
My butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
I accidentally took some of my cats medicine this morning.
I think I’m OK but don’t ask meow that happened…
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…
Still, it gave me time to reflect…
BREAKING NEWS!
Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.
Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
My mate Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read, “& Emergency”.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
He said “I found it by Accident.”
Children in the back seat cause accidents.
And accidents in the back seat cause children.
What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.
I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toast.
It was then I realized…
I’d accidentally ordered Avogadro’s Toast.
I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.
I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.
It was hard to grasp.
Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?
Space de Brie.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Manslaughter.
My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.
Now she’s in the I.C.U.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together, and at first I started to panic…
But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don’t fit anymore.
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”
I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake ?”
I replied “Not you as well !!”
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
My butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
I accidentally took some of my cats medicine this morning.
I think I’m OK but don’t ask meow that happened…
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…
Still, it gave me time to reflect…
BREAKING NEWS!
Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.
Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
My mate Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read, “& Emergency”.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
He said “I found it by Accident.”
Children in the back seat cause accidents.
And accidents in the back seat cause children.
What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.
I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toast.
It was then I realized…
I’d accidentally ordered Avogadro’s Toast.
I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.
I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.
It was hard to grasp.
Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?
Space de Brie.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Manslaughter.
My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.
Now she’s in the I.C.U.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together, and at first I started to panic…
But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don’t fit anymore.
And that’s not all …..
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The banana used to be the food that most looked like a phone. Now it’s the pop tart.
Once upon a time, you could pick up a banana, press it to your ear, and everyone knew: you were pretending to make a call. It was innocent. It was potassium-rich. It was the golden age of fruit-based communication.
But times change. Now, the humble Pop Tart — flat, rectangular, often slightly toasted — has taken the banana’s crown. Children mime texting on a strawberry frosted rectangle, and the fruit bowl looks on in quiet disgrace.
Progress? Perhaps. But remember this: no one ever butt-dialled anyone with a banana.
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WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
WORRIED that red wine might stain your teeth after a long night of “grape research”? Simply drink an equal amount of white wine before bed. It won’t clean your teeth, but by morning you’ll be too dizzy to care.
Balance, my friend, is the key to wisdom.
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Welcome to the ultimate collection of Valentine’s Day humor! Whether you’re looking to impress your crush, entertain friends, or simply laugh through the season of love, we’ve got you covered. From clever puns to hilarious one-liners, these jokes will add charm, humor, and a smile to your Valentine’s Day!
What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valen-tiny.
You’re like a good book; I can’t put you down.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m terrible at poems, so how about we just eat some food?
You must be a magician, because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a bear on Valentine’s Day? A cuddle bug.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you.
I’m not a baker, but you’re my sweetie pie.
Just got 15 Valentines cards! It’s left me completely breathless. That security guard at Clinton Cards gave quite a chase.
If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.
I’m not saying you’re a dictionary, but you add meaning to my life.
If love is a crime, then I plead guilty.
Our love is like a well-aged cheese; it gets more Gouda with time.
Is your name Earl Grey? Because you’re my cup of tea.
My dating life is like a broken pencil… pointless. Happy Valentine’s Day to me!
You’re so sweet, you give me a toothache.
My doctor told me to embrace my mistakes, so I gave her a big hug on Valentine’s Day.
Our love is like a fine wine, it gets better with time, and sometimes a little tipsy.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married on Valentine’s Day? The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great.
I’d make a terrible pirate, but I’d treasure you always.
You make my heart skip a beat, or maybe that’s just the caffeine.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Happy Valentine’s Day.
What’s a vampire’s favorite day? Fang-tine’s Day.
I’m not a florist, but I think you’re blooming lovely.
What did the calculator say to its Valentine? You can count on me.
Is your name WiFi? Because I’m feeling a connection.
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine’s Day? “I find you very attractive.”
My love for you is like my phone battery, it never seems to die, even when I use it all day.
For the past 20 years, I’ve had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn’t get one this year! First my gran dies, now this!
And there’s more …..
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Welcome to our collection of 100 hilarious, kid-friendly jokes guaranteed to bring giggles and grins! Whether you’re looking to liven up a family gathering, impress your classmates, or just have a good laugh, we’ve got you covered. From silly puns to classic knock-knock jokes, there’s something here for kids of all ages. So, get ready to chuckle, groan (in a fun way), and maybe even share these jokes with your friends and family. Laughter is contagious—let’s get started!
I was just looking at my ceiling.
Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.
Where are average things built?
In the satisfactory.
You can never ‘run’ through a campsite.
You can only ‘ran’ as it’s past tents…
Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
You could be entitled to condensation.
The English language is pretty strange and confusing.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They’ll take the money and run.
I hate people who talk about me behind my back.
They discussed me.
New idea: invisible aircraft …
I can’t see that taking off…
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I’m giving away a free broken gate.
Honestly, there’s no catch.
Got a taxi to the launderette.
Cost me £30!
I felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners…
I’m giving away my chimney for free.
It’s on the house.
I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.
That’s a grave sign.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they’re standing.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I’ve had it right up to here with them.
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….
I think he meant well.
Major: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Sergeant!”
Sergeant: “Thank you, Sir!!”
Never fight a dinosaur.
You might get jurasskicked…
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month .
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
I went into the bank the other day, and asked the cashier for a statement.
She said “My name is Carol and I work in a bank…”
I spent 25 minutes waving to an old woman this morning…
Then I realised she was cleaning her windows!
Banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..
It was the end of an airer.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That’s where I draw the line.
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.
It was OK. Nothing to write home about.
If anyone wants to come and discuss how bad my DIY skills are…
My door’s always open…
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
My mate bought a car just to get him from A to B…
The trouble is, he lives in Kew…
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate visitors.
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company…
I’m now the main stake holder.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
Someone tore the fifth page out of my calendar.
I’m so dismayed.
So I’ve started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’m going to try Velcro instead of shoes laces.
I mean, why knot?
I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house?
The bloke said “You can cartwheel around the block for all I care”
People have been making hurtful remarks about me choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
– but I don’t like to point fingers.
Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?
Thought knot.
I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable.
When I see lovers names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute,I just think it’s strange how many people take knives on a date.
Recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs.
Got a match straight away…
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
I’ve just seen a man with no arms cycle past me.
I’m not sure of his name but his face rang a bell…
I failed my driving test theory.
The question said: “What is a sign you may see on a country road?”.
Apparently “Pick your own strawberries” isn’t an acceptable answer…
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
People call me self centred.
But that’s enough about them.
I had a fight with a man on some moving stairs today..
It started at the bottom and just escalated from there.
Never mind the ice, I’ve just slipped on the floor in the local library..
I was in the non-friction section.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.
I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month.
But it’s costing me a fortune in houses.
Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.
I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.
I got an odd-job man in.
He was useless.
Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, 10 dead.
Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler.
Please don’t use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes…
Common scents, people!
The Abominable Snowman gets called all sorts of unkind names…
And yeti never complains…
Everybody repeat after me: ‘We are all individuals.’
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I’ve been invited to a hair-washing party…
I can’t think of an excuse not to go?!
6.30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I stopped at the petrol station to pump up my tyre’s and noticed that the price was now £2!
Oh well, that’s inflation for you I suppose.
I’m so strong I can lift buildings!
Well… only if it’s a lighthouse.
I was going to post a picture of me that i took in a field of wheat, but it was grainy.
Went to a water park, tried a couple of slides and now I’m worried I’m getting addicted.
It’s a slippery slope.
Filed my nails earlier.
They’re in the “N” drawer.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
I just lost 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I bumped into the inventor of the globe last night.
It’s a small world…
Exit signs – they’re on the way out aren’t they?
I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…
Crematoriums.
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
What if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the cupboard…?
You invented TippEx, correct me if I’m wrong.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What do I know about bonsai trees ?
Very little.
I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.
There’s no plaque.
I went to Poole on holiday.
In Dorset?
Yes I can thoroughly recommend it…
I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her.
She just kept digging up the past…
Velcro . . .
what a ripoff.
The advantage of easy origami is twofold…
Feeling sad as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I’ve had it for 25 years…
It’s the end of an airer.
I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time consuming.
I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The postman.
The postman who?
Look, do you want this parcel or not?
Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time.
As a kid I wasn’t a fan of facial hair.
But then it started to grow on me.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?”
Insecurity Guard
I wanted to tell you all about a colour I made up…
Turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now, I’m living in a flat.
Pirate Leader: Men, I need to know how to say the number 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I never question myself.
Why should I start now?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Always try to be modest.
And be damn proud of it!
A day for firm decisions!
Or is it?
If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.
Then you’ll have a match.
If today has taught me three things, it’s that I should write more stuff down and two other things.
Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!!
Not on my watch!
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
I just sold all my glove puppets.
A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…
Old yachtsmen don’t die…
They just keel over.
How deep would the ocean be without sponges?
I found a four leaf clover!
It’s a bit creased, I was going to iron it but I don’t want to press my luck..
Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.
I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day…
I said, “you disgust me.”
“Yes, we did.” they replied.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the gas board had dug up the pavement again.
Fed up with the laundry basket.
I’m going to throw the towel in.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Purple is my favorite color!
I like it more than blue and red combined.
I bought a toilet brush yesterday.
But I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper.
I like jokes.
But jokes about air conditioners?
Not a fan.
People say I’m condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
Me and my reclining chair – we go WAY back..
Found a joke in the bin today.
It was rubbish.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Me lazy?
Don’t get me started.
Just say NO to negativity.
Breaking news!!! ne ws
To the person who stole my place in the queue…
I’m after you now.
To the guy that found my empty wallet …
I don’t know how to repay you.
I was going to post about anti-climaxes, but in the end I didn’t.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
I know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate…
I keep meaning to stop procrastinating.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
(They’re old hat.)
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
I don’t believe in sceptics.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
People saying “BOO!!!” to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year…
That’s a frightening statistic.
I once met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in our local park…
She sells C cells by the seesaw…
Yes it is.
Is time travel possible?
I once went on the big dipper at Blackpool and cried all the way round…
That was an emotional rollercoaster.
I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read, “& Emergency”.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
He said “I found it by Accident.”
My imaginary friend is staying this weekend. I’ve made his bed up.
Tea is for mugs.
Help please.
The postman dropped a letter on my hall floor today and on the letter it says do not bend.
How do I pick it up?
Saw a fire blanket the other day.
Didn’t understand it, I thought fires were hot already.
I never go anywhere without my collection of maps.
I would be lost without them.
Cannibals like to meat people.
And there’s more …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our collection of Realtor and Estate Agent jokes, where we take a light-hearted look at the property world! Whether you’re buying, selling, or just browsing the market, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. From cheeky quips about commissions to playful banter about house-hunting woes, we’ve got something for every property enthusiast. Dive in and enjoy the humour that only those familiar with real estate can truly appreciate!
An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted “Nobody move!!”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute.
I guess the old saying is true… You can’t win a mall.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important: Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
My brother is a real estate agent.
He greets me with, “Hey bro, house it going?”
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What does a house wear?
Address.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five.
One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
I doubt you’d get it.
It’s over your head.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation.Echolocation. Echolocation.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns?
They’re not very uplifting.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, “Well, all’s well that dwells well.”
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
My real estate agent lied.
He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there…
What did the realtor say to his wife?
“Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time – thrilling and nervous.”
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house.
A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, “Just do the deed.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
The older generation’s dream was to pay off the mortgage.
The younger generation’s dream is to get one.
Home sickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
My house has wall to wall carpets…
And back to the wall payments.
It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.
If you think that no-one cares you’re alive, just try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
A man’s home is his castle…
In a manor of speaking.
What’s the study of real estate called?
Homology.
By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn’t.
If you buy a house in Mexico, you don’t Peso much.
My neighbors have consolidated all their debts.
Now they only have one bill they won’t pay.
If you want to know where the property line is, just watch your neighbor cut the grass.
My neighbor always has his lawn sprinkler on.
It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Is the down payment to buy an apartment a condo-minimum?
When it comes to board games about buying real estate…
Hasbro really has the Monopoly.
My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he burgled a shop last night.
“What did you get?” I asked.
“26 pictures,” he smiled, showing me. “The cheapest one is worth over $180,000.”
I said, “Dude, these are from a real estate agents.”
I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.
But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What’s the difference between a real estate agent and sperm?
Sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
My real estate agent did such a good job describing my house in their listing that I’ve decided to keep it.
What does a real estate agent use for birth control?
Their personality.
What’s a mortgage broker?
A real estate agent without the sense of humor.
Realtors need closure.
What do you call a real estate agent who practices birth control?
A humanitarian.
I made the mistake of offering my realtor some Lipton iced tea.
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite sexual position?
The comissionary position.
There’s a used car salesman, a lawyer and a real estate agent.
You have a gun with only two bullets.
What do you do?
Shoot the real estate agent twice to make sure.
Why are realtors good at selling houses?
They’re good at ceiling deals.
And that’s not all …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
The Sage Page 