Hilarious Girlfriend Jokes for Fun and Laughter

Welcome to Girlfriend Giggles, your ultimate destination for light-hearted and cheeky girlfriend jokes! Whether you’re looking to share a laugh with your partner, or just need a pick-me-up, our collection of jokes is guaranteed to bring a smile to your face. From playful quips to witty one-liners, we’ve got something for every sense of humour. So sit back, relax, and enjoy some good-natured fun!

My girlfriend claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.

My girlfriend’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.

I love felt tips.

My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.

It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are…

But I laugh more.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge. It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, and the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

Just at the airport with my girlfriend, I said “I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us.”

“Why is that?” she asked…

“The passports are on it…”

My girlfriend asked, “Do you know any tennis puns?”

I said, “No, they’re not really my forte love”.

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on the way back in.

My girlfriend still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

My girlfriend told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore…

My girlfriend and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.

We clicked straight away.

I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”

My girlfriend accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

My girlfriend just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.

I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time…”

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

My girlfriend just left me because of my obsession with cricket.

It’s really hit me for 6.

My girlfriend has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don’t worry…I’ll return.

Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective!, I think we should split up”.

Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”

Throughout our relationship, my girlfriend has always stood by my side.

She had to.

We’ve only got one chair.

My girlfriend said to me “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”

I said “Well that’s 15, love…”

My girlfriend is leaving me because I don’t believe in her tarot readings…

To be fair it’s been on the cards for a while.

I was having an argument with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know?

She’s just a stinky poo face…

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in.

It means the world to her.

My girlfriend said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right.

I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend in 3 weeks.

I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I relabeled all the jars in my girlfriend’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…

My girlfriend is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

I was going to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potters godfather.

But my girlfriend said “You can’t be Sirius”

I asked my girlfriend to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on the skeleton.

My girlfriend just said to me “What rhymes with orange”

I said “No it doesn’t”

My girlfriend is saying she’ll divorce me because I was obsessed with television dramas.

But will she leave me?

Find out next week…

My girlfriend’s a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right!

I’ve stuck with her though, through thick and thin.

Why did my girlfriend cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago!

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’

I said ‘Is that your final answer?’

My girlfriend said she will leave me.

She said I was too passive, and didn’t stand up for myself enough.

I can’t really argue with that.

My girlfriend broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler.

All I can think about is how to win her back.

My girlfriend just texted me to say she’s made a Voodoo doll of me.

I think she’s pulling my leg.

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?”

My girlfriend just called me lazy!!

Really unfair, it took me over an hour to take the Christmas tree down this morning…

My girlfriend says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

My girlfriend said I was annoying her with all my puns about trees.

I said; “Ah, that old chestnut…”

I told my girlfriend I was opening a theatre.

She said, ‘Are you having me on?’

I said, ‘I’ll give you an audition but I’m not promising anything.’

The girlfriend just threw six cricket balls at me…

“What’s up ?” I asked.

“It’s over” she replied.

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.

I said maybe!

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.

I wish he would stop taking sides!

My girlfriend gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I’ve added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria than ever.

Last night I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Playboy waitress.

She’s not a happy bunny!

My girlfriend asked me, “Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?”

“No, don’t be silly” I replied, “I ate it on the sofa.”

When my girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

My girlfriend asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…

Now I can’t read anything.

My girlfriend got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it’s all water under the fridge.

The dog is barking at the backdoor and the girlfriend is yelling at the front door.

Who do you let in first?..

The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I’m over-competitive.”

Not if I leave you first!” I shouted as I raced her to the front door.

My girlfriend kept going on and on about what we should use the empty drawer for.

Eventually, I told her to put a sock in it.

My girlfriend has said she’s leaving me because I’ve put CCTV all around the flat.

I can see where she’s coming from.

My girlfriend told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I asked my girlfriend “So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?”

And you know what she said?

“Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!”

My girlfriend is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession.

I’d better fetch the suitcase from the van.

When I told my girlfriend I was looking at flights on the internet, she got very excited!

Which was odd as she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

Since the snow came all my girlfriend has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

My girlfriend said to me “I bet you can’t make a pun about a flower?”

But I rose to the challenge…

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

My girlfriend kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’d never met to secure an alliance with the French.

I told my girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.

She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

My girlfriend left me for an electrician.

He promised her the earth…

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

My girlfriend text messaged me with one word: “Earth.”

It meant the world to me.

My girlfriend keeps empty margarine tubs and just leaves them lying around…

I can’t believe it’s not clutter.

My girlfriend has just left me due to my love of horse racing.

She’s at the gate….and she’s off!

My girlfriend said, “There was someone knocking on the door, with a beard earlier!”

I said, “No wonder I couldn’t hear him!”

My girlfriend asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

My girlfriend told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her “I think you mean fewer”

I told my girlfriend that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.

She said; “Whatever floats your boat”

I replied “No – that’s buoyancy”

My girlfriend just told me to grow up.

I’m speechless!!

To be fair though, it’s pretty hard to say anything with 37 gummy bears in your mouth

My girlfriend has just fell over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.

I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now…

My girlfriend says she’ll leave me if I keep making marine animal puns…

I said “I don’t do it on porpoise.”

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

My girlfriend has accused me of not having any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

My girlfriend and I are both tightrope walkers.

We met online…

My girlfriend insists she could see the face of Jesus in our tub of margarine…

I said “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha…”

At first my girlfriend hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it….

Eventually she came around.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…

I told her to close the door five times on her way out!

My girlfriend asked me if I would change our 1 month old son.

I told her I liked the one we have.

I’ve just bought a house with period features…

My girlfriend really hates that nickname.

My girlfriend has started her own business reading Tarot cards.

She’s making a fortune.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.

So I painted her with Cuprinol.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time

My girlfriend is a hoarder and refuses to throw out her old magazine collection.

She has a lot of issues.

Girlfriend: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!

Me: I ran out of money.

I had a vasectomy so my girlfriend didn’t get pregnant.

All it did though was change the colour of the baby….

The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.

My girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

I said to my girlfriend, “I need to call the doctor today.”

She said, “Which doctor?”

I said, “No, the regular kind.”

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with astrology.

I guess I should have seen the signs..

My girlfriend is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

My girlfriend told me that I’m “not cut out to be a mime”.

“Was it something I said?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

My girlfriend said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!

I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she had ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

My girlfriend has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.

At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.

Then I saw her face…

My girlfriend said if I didn’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she would leave me.

It put me in a very difficult position

I thought my girlfriend was happy to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

The girlfriend has just come home from the shops in a Gloria Gaynor face mask…

At first, I was afraid…

My girlfriend was making fun of me because I always order the worst drink.

It was a cheap shot.

I gave my girlfriend a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.

Well, I did promise her the earth…

My girlfriend borrowed £100 from me.

When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly £100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

My girlfriend is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…

‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’

My girlfriend likes it when I blow cold air on her when she’s too hot.

Personally I’m not a fan…

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”

Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me.

I met my girlfriend at an Arthritis support meeting.

You know when two people just click.

My girlfriend just hit me with musical instruments.

I didn’t know she had a history of violins.

I asked my girlfriend to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden.

She came back with 7.

The last one is just a spare I guess.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler…

The neighbours think I’m a stud when they hear her panting heavily “Give it to me!”

Me and the girlfriend bought a waterbed to spice up our love life.

It doesn’t work though!

We’ve drifted further apart.

When I told my girlfriend I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.

Then I saw the grenade in her hand!

My girlfriend told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday…

I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her later…

My girlfriend is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…

She makes me want to shout…

My girlfriend told me that she used to be Christian.

“That’s not a problem,” I told her.

“Thanks, I’m much happier being a Christine now,” she replied.

For her birthday, I took my girlfriend to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently…

I was buying my girlfriend some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”

“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”

I took my girlfriend to the hall of mirrors at the funfair last night.

“Look at your funny-shaped face and big bum!!” she laughed.

I’m glad she enjoyed it but we were still in the car at this point…

After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My girlfriend has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”

She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.

My girlfriend accused me of having OCD.. I soon put her in her place.

My girlfriend asked me, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats.

Meh.

At first, my girlfriend didn’t want to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed her mind.

I was really struggling to get my girlfriend’s attention….

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.

I think my girlfriend is putting glue on my antique weapons collection…

She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!

My girlfriend bet me I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.

I thought to myself, that’s got to be worth a little flutter!

My girlfriend asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’

I said ‘slim to nun’

My girlfriend bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour.

I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me.

I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt…

My girlfriend was dancing on a table.

“Good legs”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes, most other tables would’ve collapsed under that weight.”

“I bought my girlfriend an electric guitar yesterday”

“A Fender ?”

“No, she loved it…”

My girlfriend threatened to leave me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…

So I called her Bluff…

So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.

Well, I’ve got some news for her.

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my constant puns about Africa.

Kenya believe that?

Ghana miss her if she goes…

My girlfriend said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

My girlfriend said she would leave me because of my obsession with algebra.

Now she is my X.

My girlfriend said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.

I said, “On what grounds?”

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.

My girlfriend just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…

Bloody cheek!

Woke up this morning and found I’d swallowed some feathers from my pillow.

My girlfriend said I looked a bit down in the mouth…

My girlfriend asked, “Would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”

Turns out “Yes I do” was not the right answer.

I met my girlfriend on Tinder.

That was awkward.

My girlfriend asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

I told her it was because I couldn’t stand doing it.

My girlfriend has begged me to stop making police-related puns…

I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.“

I surprised my girlfriend by getting romantic last night…

Best Scrabble score I’ve ever had…

My girlfriend asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

My girlfriend was upset because she thinks I don’t like her cooking…

So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy…

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

My girlfriend is leaving me because of the way I treat her friends.

“You’re not even a qualified Gynaecologist,” she said.

For her birthday, I got my girlfriend an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening…

My girlfriend is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…

She claims it’s grounds for divorce.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My girlfriend has just dumped me as she says I am obsessed with chess.

So far I have managed to keep my emotions in check.

My girlfriend suggested I get a telescope, since I was so interested in astronomy.

I told her I’d look into it.

I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy and biscuits.

My girlfriend just said, “Where are you off to dressed up like a dog’s dinner?”.

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait…

Her answer may shock you!

My girlfriend said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’

I said: ‘That’s a myth.’

She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

I didn’t understand what my girlfriend meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down…

And then the penne dropped.

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.

Just been to B&Q with my girlfriend and she got a ladder in her tights…

She’s an amazing shoplifter.

I’ve just found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…

My girlfriend asked me if I could clear the kitchen table…

I had to get a running start but I made it!

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

My girlfriend and I had a big argument last night.

She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!

Wait until she hears I’ve won the Nigerian lottery…

I used to like to sleep with the bedside lamp on.

My girlfriend would say, “Take it off, you look ridiculous!”.

My girlfriend won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

My girlfriend told me to stop making camera puns.

I said she should stop focusing on the negatives and develop a sense of humour!

She left me in a flash…

My girlfriend told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat…You’re much bigger than that”.

My girlfriend is making me a burger for dinner.

I’m relishing it.

Told the girlfriend that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.

Told Mum that the girlfriend has something wrong with her.

My girlfriend just asked me if I’d finished making puns about small onions.

I said, “Yes, that shallot”.

I met my girlfriend at the glue factory where we both worked.

We bonded immediately.

We’ve just bought a Lord of the Rings themed kitchen.

My girlfriend loves the hob bit.

My girlfriend has insisted that I cease making puns about classic Motown hits or she will leave me.

I agreed to stop, in the name of love.

My girlfriend says I’m too sceptical… but I just don’t believe her.

I told my girlfriend: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween…

My girlfriend: “Which is?”

Me: “Exactly“

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old-fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Funeral Jokes

Welcome to our Funeral Jokes page, where we explore the lighter side of life’s inevitable journey. We understand that humor can be a powerful way to cope with difficult times, and our collection of tasteful and witty funeral jokes is here to offer a smile or a chuckle when it’s needed most. Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood, share a laugh, or simply find some comfort through humor, our jokes provide a unique way to connect with the bittersweet moments of life. Join us in celebrating the memories and the laughter that lives on.

At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next! It’s so annoying!…

So… I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.

I went to my boss’s funeral …

I kneeled down next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?”

I don’t like how funerals are usually between 9-11am.

I’m not really a mourning person.

As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise ” mean the same thing …

Except at a funeral

The man who invented the word search has died. His funeral will be held next…

T T I S P V G K M P H J G U O N Q U X N M O N D A Y W Z B A T K T E N O P G H C V N K O T D I M

Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has died.

His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Where are mathematicians buried?

The Symmetry.

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”

Me: “Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.”

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…

Crematoriums.

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

I’ve just got back from my friend’s funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?

The Top Urner.

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.

“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.

“Okay, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.

My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday.

All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/assuredeffC

Grandparent Jokes

Welcome to our Grandparent Jokes page, where laughter and love come together! Here, we celebrate the timeless humor that only grandparents can deliver. Whether you’re looking for a chuckle to share with your grandkids or seeking the perfect joke to brighten your day, you’ve come to the right place. Our collection of delightful and charming jokes is perfect for any occasion and is sure to bring smiles to faces young and old. Dive into our treasury of grandparent-approved humor and enjoy the joy and warmth these jokes bring!

My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two.

In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot…

My Grandad led a very varied and interesting life, he had fingers in a lot of pies.

Lovely man, got the sack from Greggs though…

“We never had a TV in the family when I was younger” said my grandad.

“Well you have now” I said as I adjusted my dress.

We used to call my Grandad “Spider-Man”.

He didn’t possess any amazing superpowers, he just used to struggle to get out of the bath…

My Great Grandad helped build the lion statues in Trafalgar Square…

That really put the cat amongst the pigeons…

My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder.

He never liked to throw anything away.

He died in the war holding a hand grenade.

My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra.

Grandma took it pretty hard.

My Grandad often recalls ‘fighting them on the beaches…’

Lovely man, terrible deckchair attendant.

My great-grandad invented the rear view mirror for cars…

After that there was no looking back.

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

I got my grandma a new walking frame specially made by NASA and she’s starting to get the hang of it…

It’s one small step for Nan…

My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard…

After that he went downhill very quickly.

I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.

So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddad’s house…

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

Grandparent Jokes
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/assuredeffC

Politics Jokes

Welcome to our Politics Jokes page, where humor meets the sometimes overwhelming world of politics. Here, we believe that a good laugh is essential, especially when navigating the often serious and contentious landscape of political discourse. Our collection of jokes spans the political spectrum, ensuring that everyone can find a bit of levity regardless of their political leanings. From light-hearted puns to clever satire, our jokes aim to bring a smile to your face and a moment of joy to your day. Whether you’re a political junkie or just looking for a chuckle, we invite you to explore and enjoy a break from the ordinary with our curated selection of politics jokes.

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marx-man.

I don’t approve of political jokes…

I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

“Because it would be hilarious,” is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the most accurate word in the English language.

Poly = many. Ticks = blood sucking parasites.

I reckon all these conspiracy theories are what the government really wants us to think.

What does a politician do after he dies?

He lies still.

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting around doing nothing.

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”

Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”

Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

What are the favorite vegetables in Washington, D.C.?

In Congress, it’s celery…

At the White House, carrots…

And of course, at the Supreme Court, leeks.

The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Stop repeat offenders.

Don’t re-elect them!

I think we should get rid of democracy.

All in favor raise your hand.

Donald Trump’s foreign policy:

If you mess with the USA, there’ll be hell toupee.

Donald Trump has done more than anyone to promote equality…

He’s equally hated by blacks and Hispanics.

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 46th President of the United States of America.

In a recent survey, 70% of Americans responded that Donald Trump becoming president has made them nervous.

The other 30% said it will make them Canadians.

Donald Trump has announced that when he’s president, he’s going to put a wig on the Presidential plane and call it Hair Force One.

I don’t see why people were outraged when Donald Trump said if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter, he’d be dating her.

After all, if Ivanka wasn’t Trump’s daughter, I’d date her too.

Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open.

17 are frozen and he doesn’t know where the music is coming from

Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick.

He sits down next to her and says “So, do I come here often?”

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today.

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

What’s the best thing about being Joe Biden?

Waking up every day and learning that you’re the president.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are in a boat, and the boat sinks.

Who is saved?

The United States of America.

Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?

Everyone watching

The of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden.

He is currently assembling his cabinet!

What did the prime minister do with the half-eaten banana?

He re-peeled it.

How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they don’t stay in office long enough to find out!

Jeff Bezos has never been the President of Amazon.

Just the Prime Minister!

What time did the Monster eat the prime minister?

8PM!

How did the atom become Prime Minister?

It held a general electron!

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Marriage Jokes

Welcome to the Marriage Jokes section of The Sage Page, where we celebrate the humor and joy found in married life! Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with ups, downs, and plenty of laughs along the way. Our collection of jokes highlights the amusing side of matrimony, perfect for couples, newlyweds, and anyone who appreciates a good laugh. From playful banter and everyday quirks to the humorous moments that only married couples can understand, our jokes capture the essence of partnership and love. So, whether you’re looking to share a smile with your spouse or just enjoy some light-hearted fun, dive into our treasure trove of marriage jokes and let the laughter begin!

At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next!

It’s so annoying!…

So.. I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.

It was a bit of a frostie reception.

The wedding invite said: ‘Guest+1’.

So I turned up an hour late.

Why did the melons plan a big wedding?

Because they cantaloupe!

The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.

I said, “I can’t say I do.”

He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.

She had to.

We’ve only got one chair.

Meatloaf got married to an accountant.

She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…

I married my wife for her looks …

Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.

I was so happy for the newlywebs.

The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.

I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

My wife said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.

When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.

My wife accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.

The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you leave me?”

I said, “Of course not. I’d need someone to do my new girlfriend’s laundry.”

My wife tells me I’m a skeptic – but I don’t believe a word she says.

My wife heard it’s seductive to bite her lip.

I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s meant to be the bottom one.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient.

I can’t wait.

My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.

She was the one person who might have stopped it.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

Never marry a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on the way back in.

My wife is like a luxury German car.

She emits gases and then denies it.

My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.

I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

If my wife made whiskey …

I’d love her still.

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

My wife worships me.

She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

My wife’s cooking is incredible …

With a silent “cr”.

My wife has a really odd way of starting conversations.

She always begins by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.

A guy came past and said, “Morning.”

I said, “No, just walking the dog.”

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”

The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and BOOM, your house is gone!

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids.

Apparently, she left me two days ago.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.

My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

And there’s more ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Wedding Jokes

Welcome to the Wedding Jokes section of The Sage Page, where we bring a touch of humor to the most joyous of occasions! Weddings are filled with love, laughter, and unforgettable moments, and our collection of jokes captures the lighter side of tying the knot. Whether you’re a bride, groom, guest, or just someone who enjoys a good laugh, you’ll find an array of witty, charming, and downright hilarious jokes about weddings. From funny anecdotes about wedding planning to quips about married life, our jokes are sure to add a smile to your special day or brighten your mood any time you need a chuckle. Dive in and enjoy the fun as we celebrate love and laughter!

At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next!

It’s so annoying!…

So.. I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.

It was a bit of a frostie reception.

The wedding invite said: ‘Guest+1’.

So I turned up an hour late.

Why did the melons plan a big wedding?

Because they cantaloupe!

The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.

I said, “I can’t say I do.”

He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.

She had to.

We’ve only got one chair.

Meatloaf got married to an accountant.

She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…

I married my wife for her looks …

Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.

I was so happy for the newlywebs.

The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.

I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

My wife said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.

When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She’s watching our wedding video again.

Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me, “Isn’t the bride a right ugly dog?”

“Do you mind! That’s my daughter you’re talking about!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father.”

“I’m not… I’m her mother.”

Everyone at our wedding cried.

Even our wedding cake was in tiers.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I can’t seem to open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.

The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…

If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well I think she should look at the bigger picture.

My ex girlfriend invited me to her wedding.

I told her I was busy, but I’d be there next time.

What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name.

My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.

She was the one person who might have stopped it.

I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.

He said, “Suit yourself.”

I got an invite to a wedding that said “Black tie only”.

But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

What do you call a wedding between two Russian people?

A Soviet Union.

I went to a cannibal wedding.

The groom toasted the bridesmaids, the best man toasted the bride and groom and the father of the bride toasted absent friends.

It was one hell of a barbecue.

Me: You really need to watch “A Series of Unfortunate Events”.

Her: Ok. Let me take out the wedding video.

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It’s called “wedding cake.”

At a wedding reception, the best man said, “Would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.”

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

And there’s more ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Rain Jokes

Feeling a bit drippy about the usual weather puns? Don’t worry, we won’t cloud your day with the same old forecasts! Welcome to the downpour of delight, where the jokes are always sprinkle-rific and guaranteed to bring a thunderstorm of laughter! This site is your personal weather station for all things rain-related humor – we’ve got puns that will make you want to umbrella yourself from amusement, one-liners that’ll have you feeling refreshed, and even some groan-worthy dad jokes that are sure to bring a light drizzle of chuckles. So, whether you’re a sunshine seeker who secretly enjoys a good downpour, or a puddle-stomping rain enthusiast, we’ve got the perfect blend of witty showers to quench your thirst for humor. Grab your metaphorical raincoat (or swimsuit, depending on your mood!), settle in, and get ready to experience a weather report unlike any other – one filled with pure, unadulterated laughter!

Why don’t owls go on dates when it’s raining?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they’re actually pretty light.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain again today?”

She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again.

Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark

It’s raining cats and dogs out there.

I know, I just stepped in a poodle.

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?.

He wanted to be a polyunsaturated!

An economist friend told me to put something away for a rainy day.

I’ve gone for an umbrella.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

As raindrops say, two’s company, three’s a cloud.

I’m saving for a rainy day.

So far, I have an anorak, a couple of macs, and a dinghy.

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

Max

A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.

He passed with flying colours.

What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.

Grate.

Rain doesn’t fall.

Raindrops.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

It started raining coins outside today.

I guess it’s just climate change.

Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?

It just mist.

When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?

When it’s not raining.

What does a spy do in the rain?

He goes undercover.

Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe.

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’.

Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rain of terror.

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?

It’s the clam before the storm.

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting.

Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

Does all this rain make you want an ark?

I Noah guy.

I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.

That would dampen spirits.

The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.

His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”

He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.

I was eating soup one day outside my favourite restaurant and it started raining.

Took me hours to finish my meal.

What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?

One reigns up and the other rains down.

The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Golf Jokes

Tee off your funny bone! Looking to slice up some laughter on the course (or anywhere!), you’ve come to the right fairway. This is your green haven for the finest golf jokes – puns, one-liners, and groan-worthy dad jokes that are sure to putt a smile on your face. Whether you’re a seasoned pro or a weekend hacker, we’ve got the perfect giggle game to improve your score…well, maybe not your score, but definitely your mood! So grab your clubs (metaphorically speaking), and get ready to drive some laughter into your day.

Bad at golf?

Join the club.

I used to feed gorillas at my local zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

I’ve just invented a new Golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Note to self: Do NOT put them in back pocket.

Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…

Doctors have said that he should be okay but he’s not out of the woods yet…

I played in the Pearl and Dean corporate golf day once…

I scored par par par par par par par par par par par…

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

I’ve worked out what’s wrong with my golf game.

I’ve been standing too close to the ball… after I hit it.

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”

The husband says, “I haven’t.”

Why are all mini golf players depressed?

They have no drive.

For years, my family has always taught me that alcohol and golf don’t go well together.

That’s why I don’t drink and drive.

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend’s phone to call her.

My wife complained about my obsession with golf.

I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.

Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks.

But I’ve finally got it down to a tee.

I’m a scratch golfer.

Every time I hit the ball, I scratch my head and wonder where it went.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

FORE!

What is the only 4 letter word sport that starts with a ‘T’?

Golf.

Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?

He was perfecting his swing.

Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word “irony.”

Try this : I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got shot at the golf course?

It was a hole in Juan.

I live just down the road from a mini golf course.

You don’t even need to drive.

A guy threw his golf club into the air.

He got a birdie.

I’ve recently started to learn how to play golf but it’s not going too well.

I still have a fairway to go.

What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?

The bogeyman.

Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?

Clubbing.

Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?

On a golf corpse.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.

If you think it’s hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong ball on the golf course sometime.

The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.

Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.

A lion would never play golf… but a Tiger Wood.

I’m so bad at golf that I have to go get my ball retriever re-gripped more often than my clubs.

When golfers make golf jokes, are they just meta-fores?

I didn’t want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses but I couldn’t ignore the red flags any longer.

I only hit two good balls today and that was when I stood on a rake.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport but now it has millions of poor players.

Men at 25 play football.

Men at 40 play tennis.

Men at 60 play golf.

Have you noticed how as you get older your balls get smaller?

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Teacher Jokes

My teacher accused me of plagiarism.

His words, not mine.

Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.

She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Pupil: Uhmm, depends on what you need

My geometry teacher has lost his parrot.

Polygon.

It turns out my school chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.

I’ve been really busy teaching hobbits how to play cricket.

Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo!

I gave up playing rugby at school.

All the teacher kept saying was “nice try”

My maths teacher called me average.

How mean!

I’ve been offered a job teaching poetry in prisons.

I’m considering all the prose and cons…

My teacher always said, “violence is never the answer”.

I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword.

26 across – behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

It’s V _ _ L _ N _ E

Any ideas?

When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” just after a swear word.

I’ll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

What exams do vampire teachers set?

Blood tests.

Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws. The other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Why do geographers find mountains so funny?

Because they’re hill areas.

What pencil did Shakespeare write with?

2B.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Who invented fractions?

Henry the 1/8th.

What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?

Summer.

Teacher: Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.

Pupil: Life imprisonment!

Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!

Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, they wouldn’t need it if we paid them more.

Where do door-makers get their education?

The school of hard knocks.

Teacher: Why have you got cotton in your ears? Do you have an infection?

Pupil: Well, you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other, so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Kid comes home from the first day at school.

Mom asks, “What did you learn today?”

Kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Pupil: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper, didn’t you?

Pupil: How did you know?

Teacher: Fred’s paper says “I don’t know” and you put, “Me neither!”

I asked the Gym Teacher “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.

He said, “How flexible are you?”.

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Knock Knock Jokes

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Abby.

Abby who?

Abby Birthday.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Abby.

Abby who?

Abby just stung me, ouch!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Adam.

Adam who?

Adam dog bit my leg.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Aida.

Aida who?

Aida big dinner and now I’m full.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Aisle.

Aisle who?

Aisle be seeing you soon.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ale.

Ale who?

Ale have what she’s having.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Alamos.

Alamos who?

Alamos at the end.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Amanda.

Amanda who?

A-man-da fix the door.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Amos.

Amos who?

Amos-quito bit me.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Annette.

Annette who?

Annette is what fishermen use.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Annie.

Annie who?

Annie one you want me to be.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Annie.

Annie who?

Annie thing you can do, I can do better.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Anita.

Anita who?

Anita use the bathroom. Hurry up!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Arthur.

Arthur who?

Arthur any more knock-knock jokes?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ash.

Ash who?

Gesundheit! Need a tissue?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Auto.

Auto who?

You auto know it’s me by now.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Barry.

Barry who?

Barry nice to meet you.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Batter.

Batter who?

Batter late than never.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Bear.

Bear who?

Bear with me, we aren’t done yet.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Bean.

Bean who?

Bean there, done that.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Beak.

Beak who?

Beak careful, that pan is hot!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Beats.

Beats who?

Beats me, go answer the door!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Beth.

Beth who?

Beth wishes on your birthday.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don’t cry, it’s just a joke.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Butter.

Butter who?

Butter be quick, we’re late!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Candice.

Candice who?

Candice be over already?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Carmen.

Carmen who?

Carmen answer the door, will ya?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Cash.

Cash who?

No thanks, I prefer almonds.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Cat.

Cat who?

Cat you see I’m knocking on the door?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Cod.

Cod who?

Cod you answer the door?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Colin.

Colin who?

If you don’t know, then hang up the phone.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Cook.

Cook who?

Cook who — are you calling me crazy?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Daryl.

Daryl who?

Daryl never be anyone like you.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dawn.

Dawn who?

Dawn tell any more knock-knock jokes.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dewey.

Dewey who?

Dewey we have to keep telling knock-knock jokes?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Doggone.

Doggone who?

I don’t know, but we’d better find him.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dora.

Dora who?

Dora’s open, come on in.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dora Belle.

Dora Belle who?

Dora Belle is broken, that’s why I’m knocking.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dough.

Dough who?

Dough you wish there were more knock-knock jokes?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dublin.

Dublin who?

I’m Dublin down on telling these knock-knock jokes.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Duncan.

Duncan who?

Duncan Oreos in milk is my favorite snack.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Earl.

Earl who?

Earl-y to bed, I have to go to work in the morning.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Eddy.

Eddy who?

Eddy body home?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Espresso.

Espresso who?

Espresso yourself, then everyone will know how you feel.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Feline.

Feline who?

Feline pretty good, thanks for asking.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Foal.

Foal who?

Foal me once, shame on you. Foal me twice, shame on me.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Frank.

Frank who?

Frank you for asking, it’s me.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Gene?

Gene who?

Gene in a bottle.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Gorilla.

Gorilla who?

Gorilla a burger, I’m hungry.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Goose.

Goose who?

Goo-see who’s at the door!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Harmony.

Harmony who?

Harmony knock-knock jokes can one person tell?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Harry.

Harry who?

Harry up, it’s time to go.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Haven.

Haven who?

Haven’t you had enough knock-knock jokes?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Herd.

Herd who?

Herd me the first time I knocked.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?

I didn’t know you wrote poetry.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Honey.

Honey who?

Honey, I’m home.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Hurley.

Hurley who?

Hurley bird gets the worm.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ice scream.

Ice scream who?

Ice scream when I get scared, don’t you?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ida.

Ida who?

Ida know, but you better answer.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Isadore.

Isadore who?

Isadore open or shut?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Irish.

Irish who?

Irish you a very good day.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ivana.

Ivana who?

Ivana come in.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Jewel.

Jewel who?

Jewel be happy to know it’s Friday!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Justin.

Justin who?

Justin time for dinner.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Keith.

Keith who?

Keith calm and carry on.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ken.

Ken who?

Ken you lend me a dollar?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ketchup.

Ketchup who?

Ketchup with you later.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Knot.

Knot who?

Knot another knock-knock joke, please!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Llama.

Llama who?

Llama find out who’s at the door.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Lass.

Lass who?

Round ‘em up cowboy!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Les.

Les who?

Les got out to dinner!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Luke.

Luke who?

Luke for yourself, I’m busy.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Love.

Love who?

Aw, love you too!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Marry.

Mary who?

Marry me, I love you.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Madam.

Madam who?

Madam foot got caught in the door.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

May fourth.

May fourth who?

May the fourth be with you.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Mustache.

Mustache who?

I mustache you a question!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Noah.

Noah who?

Noah good knock knock joke?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Nona.

Nona who?

Nona your business, that’s who.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

No one.

No one who?

I just told you. No one.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Opportunity.

Opportunity who?

When opportunity knocks, you answer.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive knock-knock jokes!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Peas.

Peas who?

Peas be with you.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Pooch.

Pooch who?

Pooch your hat on, it’s cold out.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Repeat.

Repeat who?

OK … who, who, who!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Roach.

Roach who?

Roach you a song, but I forgot the words.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Sarah.

Sarah who?

Sarah doctor in the house?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Says.

Says who?

Says me!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Shelly.

Shelly who?

Shelly-brate good times, c’mon!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Shirley.

Shirley who?

Shirley you must know who I am by now.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Sia.

Sia who?

Sia later!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

S’more.

S’more who?

S’more jokes on the way.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Spell.

Spell who?

Sure, W-H-O.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Sue.

Sue who?

Sue-prise!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Tank.

Tank who?

You’re welcome!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Teddy.

Teddy who?

Teddy’s my birthday. Woohoo!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Tish.

Tish who?

Yes, thanks. I just sneezed.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Turnip.

Turnip who?

Turnip the music, I love this song.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Tuna.

Tuna who?

Tuna piano if it sounds off-key.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Viper.

Viper who?

Viper nose, it’s running. Ew.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Waddle.

Waddle who?

Waddle you give me to stop knocking?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Wayne.

Wayne who?

Wayne drops keep falling on my head.


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Whale.

Whale who?

Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Who.

Who who?

I didn’t know that you are an owl!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Will.

Will who?

Will you stop with these corny jokes already?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Witch.

Witch who?

Witch one of you keeps knocking on my door?!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Yetta.

Yetta who?

Yetta another knock-knock joke.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Wren.

Wren who?

Wren will these jokes ever end?


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Yeah.

Yeah who?

Yeah-hoo, I’m excited too!


Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Yule.

Yule who?

Yule be sorry if you don’t answer the door.

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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