Monday Mega Joke Bundle

My Dad always used to tell me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

He was a lovely man. Terrible geologist though.

My girlfriend just left me because of my obsession with cricket.

It’s really hit me for 6.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don’t worry…

I’ll return.

What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?


When I was little my Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.

I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth.

I’m giving away my chimney for free.

It’s on the house.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

How do you make gold soup?

Put 24 carrots in it.

I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.

That’s a grave sign.

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Never works on me, ladies.

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they’re standing.

Prison may be just one word.

But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So he gave her one…

Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective!, I think we should split up”

Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”

British Humour

I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon so I asked him “Whereabouts in Devon are you from mate ?”


I was telling a friend that I just got back from seeing a Charlie Chaplin movie in Devon.

He said “Torquay?”

I said “No it was a silent one.”

My mate told me about a fantastic campsite down south that I should go to after the lockdown

I said.. Endorse it?

Na.. She replied.. It’s in Devon..

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese.

She was a cracker.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They’re both Paris sites.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.

My dad said he was going to set me up for life.

Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

I was reading a book when my 5 year old nephew asked, “Why is that book so thick?”

I told him, “It’s a long story.”

Batman: “It’s been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub.”

Alfred: “Master Bruce, what’s a htub?”

Thursday Fun

I once saw two octopuses that looked exactly the same…

They must have been itentacle twins.

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

I entered a palindrome contest today…

I got top spot.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.

He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’

‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

1,2,3,4,5 Once I caught a fish alive,

6,7,8,9,10 I’m banned from London Zoo again…

People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest…

Mid Week Jokes

I’ve recently been listening to the audio book version of ‘The Lord of the Rings’ read by Robert De Niro…

It’s Tolkein Italian…

Our local chiropodist has been arrested as he keeps stealing small pieces of nail after treating patients.

He’s a clipped toe maniac…

Someone asked me if I could name any famous Syrians.

I said, ‘Yes.. Botham and McKellan.’

I’ve been farting classic Mike Oldfield tunes all week.

Doctor said I have tubular bowels…

Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.

She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…

If I ever start to go bald, I’ll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..

From a distance it would look like a hare

What do you call a homeless horse?


I told myself I should stop drinking…

But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

I’m giving away a free broken gate.

Honestly, there’s no catch.

In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill..

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

Just seen that there’s a nudist convention on in town next week…

Might go if I’ve got nothing on.

My girlfriend accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

I’ve designed a new website for orphans.

There isn’t a home page.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Some Jokes for Tuesday.

Please remember, for every Rich Tea biscuit, there are currently thousands of tea biscuits living in poverty…

My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.

We clicked straight away.

If you don’t sniff the air and go ‘Ooh – someone’s having a barbecue!’, are you even British?!

Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.

Me: And?

It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit.

Last year, I joined a group for anti social people.

We haven’t met yet.

I have sex daily.

Sorry, I mean I have dyslexia…

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down.

I’ve recently developed a phobia of elevators.

I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I have CDO.

It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

Rabbit hutch salesmen.

They’ll give you a run for your money…

I used to go out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle…

She smelt like a cricket bat.

I think the sun is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.

I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…

Monday Jokes

I spent hours trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…

It’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term, “One Hit Wonder”…came up with any other phrases.

My parents treat me like a god…

They don’t believe in me.

The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my eye out.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”

“Is this her first child?” he asked.

“No, this is her husband.”

My Twitter password has been hacked again…

This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…

I used to be in a band called ‘The Palindromes’.

Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.

I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.

No tern was left unstoned.

I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…

I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said “No”.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?


Friday Jokes

Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb.

I have to say, I still prefer custard…

New idea : invisible aircraft

I can’t see that taking off…

Some small aquatic mammals have escaped from the Zoo…

Otter chaos…

Studies have shown that cows will produce more milk when the farmer talks to them…

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I have a step ladder;
I never knew my real ladder

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”

My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday this Bank Holiday weekend.

Ta Pauline.

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective…

We call him Sherlock Ohms.