“If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.”
There are many benefits to having a good friend – emotional support, shared memories, someone to help move a sofa. But perhaps the most underrated perk is their ability to halve your odds of becoming shark food.
Today’s advice from the Wise Sage is both statistically reassuring and morally ambiguous: “If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.”
Not because sharks are less likely to attack. Just… well, do the maths.
Of course, this isn’t an endorsement for using Dave from accounts as a human flotation device in Great White territory. But let’s face it, there’s a comfort in knowing that should a shark appear, you only need to swim faster than one person.
So next time you hit the water, remember: it’s not about trust, it’s about survival ratios.
And maybe bring someone slower.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our slightly off-kilter corner of comedy – accident jokes! Don’t worry, these mishaps are all in good humour. From banana peel blunders to DIY disasters, we’ve gathered the funniest (and safest!) jokes about life’s little stumbles and pratfalls. Sit back, have a laugh, and remember—no actual limbs were harmed in the making of this page.
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”
I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake ?”
I replied “Not you as well !!”
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
My butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
I accidentally took some of my cats medicine this morning.
I think I’m OK but don’t ask meow that happened…
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…
Still, it gave me time to reflect…
BREAKING NEWS!
Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.
Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
My mate Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read, “& Emergency”.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
He said “I found it by Accident.”
Children in the back seat cause accidents.
And accidents in the back seat cause children.
What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.
I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toast.
It was then I realized…
I’d accidentally ordered Avogadro’s Toast.
I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.
I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.
It was hard to grasp.
Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?
Space de Brie.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Manslaughter.
My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.
Now she’s in the I.C.U.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together, and at first I started to panic…
But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don’t fit anymore.
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”
I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake ?”
I replied “Not you as well !!”
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
My butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
I accidentally took some of my cats medicine this morning.
I think I’m OK but don’t ask meow that happened…
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…
Still, it gave me time to reflect…
BREAKING NEWS!
Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.
Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
My mate Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read, “& Emergency”.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
He said “I found it by Accident.”
Children in the back seat cause accidents.
And accidents in the back seat cause children.
What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.
I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toast.
It was then I realized…
I’d accidentally ordered Avogadro’s Toast.
I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.
I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.
It was hard to grasp.
Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?
Space de Brie.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Manslaughter.
My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.
Now she’s in the I.C.U.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together, and at first I started to panic…
But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don’t fit anymore.
And that’s not all …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
The banana used to be the food that most looked like a phone. Now it’s the pop tart.
Once upon a time, you could pick up a banana, press it to your ear, and everyone knew: you were pretending to make a call. It was innocent. It was potassium-rich. It was the golden age of fruit-based communication.
But times change. Now, the humble Pop Tart — flat, rectangular, often slightly toasted — has taken the banana’s crown. Children mime texting on a strawberry frosted rectangle, and the fruit bowl looks on in quiet disgrace.
Progress? Perhaps. But remember this: no one ever butt-dialled anyone with a banana.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
WORRIED that red wine might stain your teeth after a long night of “grape research”? Simply drink an equal amount of white wine before bed. It won’t clean your teeth, but by morning you’ll be too dizzy to care.
Balance, my friend, is the key to wisdom.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to the ultimate collection of Valentine’s Day humor! Whether you’re looking to impress your crush, entertain friends, or simply laugh through the season of love, we’ve got you covered. From clever puns to hilarious one-liners, these jokes will add charm, humor, and a smile to your Valentine’s Day!
What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valen-tiny.
You’re like a good book; I can’t put you down.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m terrible at poems, so how about we just eat some food?
You must be a magician, because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a bear on Valentine’s Day? A cuddle bug.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you.
I’m not a baker, but you’re my sweetie pie.
Just got 15 Valentines cards! It’s left me completely breathless. That security guard at Clinton Cards gave quite a chase.
If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.
I’m not saying you’re a dictionary, but you add meaning to my life.
If love is a crime, then I plead guilty.
Our love is like a well-aged cheese; it gets more Gouda with time.
Is your name Earl Grey? Because you’re my cup of tea.
My dating life is like a broken pencil… pointless. Happy Valentine’s Day to me!
You’re so sweet, you give me a toothache.
My doctor told me to embrace my mistakes, so I gave her a big hug on Valentine’s Day.
Our love is like a fine wine, it gets better with time, and sometimes a little tipsy.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married on Valentine’s Day? The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great.
I’d make a terrible pirate, but I’d treasure you always.
You make my heart skip a beat, or maybe that’s just the caffeine.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Happy Valentine’s Day.
What’s a vampire’s favorite day? Fang-tine’s Day.
I’m not a florist, but I think you’re blooming lovely.
What did the calculator say to its Valentine? You can count on me.
Is your name WiFi? Because I’m feeling a connection.
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine’s Day? “I find you very attractive.”
My love for you is like my phone battery, it never seems to die, even when I use it all day.
For the past 20 years, I’ve had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn’t get one this year! First my gran dies, now this!
And there’s more …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our collection of 100 hilarious, kid-friendly jokes guaranteed to bring giggles and grins! Whether you’re looking to liven up a family gathering, impress your classmates, or just have a good laugh, we’ve got you covered. From silly puns to classic knock-knock jokes, there’s something here for kids of all ages. So, get ready to chuckle, groan (in a fun way), and maybe even share these jokes with your friends and family. Laughter is contagious—let’s get started!
I was just looking at my ceiling.
Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.
Where are average things built?
In the satisfactory.
You can never ‘run’ through a campsite.
You can only ‘ran’ as it’s past tents…
Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
You could be entitled to condensation.
The English language is pretty strange and confusing.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They’ll take the money and run.
I hate people who talk about me behind my back.
They discussed me.
New idea: invisible aircraft …
I can’t see that taking off…
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I’m giving away a free broken gate.
Honestly, there’s no catch.
Got a taxi to the launderette.
Cost me £30!
I felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners…
I’m giving away my chimney for free.
It’s on the house.
I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.
That’s a grave sign.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they’re standing.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I’ve had it right up to here with them.
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….
I think he meant well.
Major: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Sergeant!”
Sergeant: “Thank you, Sir!!”
Never fight a dinosaur.
You might get jurasskicked…
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month .
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
I went into the bank the other day, and asked the cashier for a statement.
She said “My name is Carol and I work in a bank…”
I spent 25 minutes waving to an old woman this morning…
Then I realised she was cleaning her windows!
Banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..
It was the end of an airer.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That’s where I draw the line.
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.
It was OK. Nothing to write home about.
If anyone wants to come and discuss how bad my DIY skills are…
My door’s always open…
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
My mate bought a car just to get him from A to B…
The trouble is, he lives in Kew…
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate visitors.
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company…
I’m now the main stake holder.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
Someone tore the fifth page out of my calendar.
I’m so dismayed.
So I’ve started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’m going to try Velcro instead of shoes laces.
I mean, why knot?
I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house?
The bloke said “You can cartwheel around the block for all I care”
People have been making hurtful remarks about me choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
– but I don’t like to point fingers.
Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?
Thought knot.
I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable.
When I see lovers names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute,I just think it’s strange how many people take knives on a date.
Recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs.
Got a match straight away…
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
I’ve just seen a man with no arms cycle past me.
I’m not sure of his name but his face rang a bell…
I failed my driving test theory.
The question said: “What is a sign you may see on a country road?”.
Apparently “Pick your own strawberries” isn’t an acceptable answer…
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
People call me self centred.
But that’s enough about them.
I had a fight with a man on some moving stairs today..
It started at the bottom and just escalated from there.
Never mind the ice, I’ve just slipped on the floor in the local library..
I was in the non-friction section.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.
I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month.
But it’s costing me a fortune in houses.
Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.
I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.
I got an odd-job man in.
He was useless.
Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, 10 dead.
Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler.
Please don’t use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes…
Common scents, people!
The Abominable Snowman gets called all sorts of unkind names…
And yeti never complains…
Everybody repeat after me: ‘We are all individuals.’
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I’ve been invited to a hair-washing party…
I can’t think of an excuse not to go?!
6.30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I stopped at the petrol station to pump up my tyre’s and noticed that the price was now £2!
Oh well, that’s inflation for you I suppose.
I’m so strong I can lift buildings!
Well… only if it’s a lighthouse.
I was going to post a picture of me that i took in a field of wheat, but it was grainy.
Went to a water park, tried a couple of slides and now I’m worried I’m getting addicted.
It’s a slippery slope.
Filed my nails earlier.
They’re in the “N” drawer.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
I just lost 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I bumped into the inventor of the globe last night.
It’s a small world…
Exit signs – they’re on the way out aren’t they?
I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…
Crematoriums.
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
What if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the cupboard…?
You invented TippEx, correct me if I’m wrong.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What do I know about bonsai trees ?
Very little.
I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.
There’s no plaque.
I went to Poole on holiday.
In Dorset?
Yes I can thoroughly recommend it…
I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her.
She just kept digging up the past…
Velcro . . .
what a ripoff.
The advantage of easy origami is twofold…
Feeling sad as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I’ve had it for 25 years…
It’s the end of an airer.
I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time consuming.
I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The postman.
The postman who?
Look, do you want this parcel or not?
Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time.
As a kid I wasn’t a fan of facial hair.
But then it started to grow on me.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?”
Insecurity Guard
I wanted to tell you all about a colour I made up…
Turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now, I’m living in a flat.
Pirate Leader: Men, I need to know how to say the number 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I never question myself.
Why should I start now?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Always try to be modest.
And be damn proud of it!
A day for firm decisions!
Or is it?
If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.
Then you’ll have a match.
If today has taught me three things, it’s that I should write more stuff down and two other things.
Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!!
Not on my watch!
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
I just sold all my glove puppets.
A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…
Old yachtsmen don’t die…
They just keel over.
How deep would the ocean be without sponges?
I found a four leaf clover!
It’s a bit creased, I was going to iron it but I don’t want to press my luck..
Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.
I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day…
I said, “you disgust me.”
“Yes, we did.” they replied.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the gas board had dug up the pavement again.
Fed up with the laundry basket.
I’m going to throw the towel in.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Purple is my favorite color!
I like it more than blue and red combined.
I bought a toilet brush yesterday.
But I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper.
I like jokes.
But jokes about air conditioners?
Not a fan.
People say I’m condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
Me and my reclining chair – we go WAY back..
Found a joke in the bin today.
It was rubbish.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Me lazy?
Don’t get me started.
Just say NO to negativity.
Breaking news!!! ne ws
To the person who stole my place in the queue…
I’m after you now.
To the guy that found my empty wallet …
I don’t know how to repay you.
I was going to post about anti-climaxes, but in the end I didn’t.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
I know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate…
I keep meaning to stop procrastinating.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
(They’re old hat.)
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
I don’t believe in sceptics.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
People saying “BOO!!!” to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year…
That’s a frightening statistic.
I once met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in our local park…
She sells C cells by the seesaw…
Yes it is.
Is time travel possible?
I once went on the big dipper at Blackpool and cried all the way round…
That was an emotional rollercoaster.
I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read, “& Emergency”.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
He said “I found it by Accident.”
My imaginary friend is staying this weekend. I’ve made his bed up.
Tea is for mugs.
Help please.
The postman dropped a letter on my hall floor today and on the letter it says do not bend.
How do I pick it up?
Saw a fire blanket the other day.
Didn’t understand it, I thought fires were hot already.
I never go anywhere without my collection of maps.
I would be lost without them.
Cannibals like to meat people.
And there’s more …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our collection of Realtor and Estate Agent jokes, where we take a light-hearted look at the property world! Whether you’re buying, selling, or just browsing the market, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. From cheeky quips about commissions to playful banter about house-hunting woes, we’ve got something for every property enthusiast. Dive in and enjoy the humour that only those familiar with real estate can truly appreciate!
An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted “Nobody move!!”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute.
I guess the old saying is true… You can’t win a mall.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important: Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
My brother is a real estate agent.
He greets me with, “Hey bro, house it going?”
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What does a house wear?
Address.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five.
One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
I doubt you’d get it.
It’s over your head.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation.Echolocation. Echolocation.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns?
They’re not very uplifting.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, “Well, all’s well that dwells well.”
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
My real estate agent lied.
He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there…
What did the realtor say to his wife?
“Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time – thrilling and nervous.”
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house.
A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, “Just do the deed.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
The older generation’s dream was to pay off the mortgage.
The younger generation’s dream is to get one.
Home sickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
My house has wall to wall carpets…
And back to the wall payments.
It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.
If you think that no-one cares you’re alive, just try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
A man’s home is his castle…
In a manor of speaking.
What’s the study of real estate called?
Homology.
By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn’t.
If you buy a house in Mexico, you don’t Peso much.
My neighbors have consolidated all their debts.
Now they only have one bill they won’t pay.
If you want to know where the property line is, just watch your neighbor cut the grass.
My neighbor always has his lawn sprinkler on.
It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Is the down payment to buy an apartment a condo-minimum?
When it comes to board games about buying real estate…
Hasbro really has the Monopoly.
My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he burgled a shop last night.
“What did you get?” I asked.
“26 pictures,” he smiled, showing me. “The cheapest one is worth over $180,000.”
I said, “Dude, these are from a real estate agents.”
I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.
But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What’s the difference between a real estate agent and sperm?
Sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
My real estate agent did such a good job describing my house in their listing that I’ve decided to keep it.
What does a real estate agent use for birth control?
Their personality.
What’s a mortgage broker?
A real estate agent without the sense of humor.
Realtors need closure.
What do you call a real estate agent who practices birth control?
A humanitarian.
I made the mistake of offering my realtor some Lipton iced tea.
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite sexual position?
The comissionary position.
There’s a used car salesman, a lawyer and a real estate agent.
You have a gun with only two bullets.
What do you do?
Shoot the real estate agent twice to make sure.
Why are realtors good at selling houses?
They’re good at ceiling deals.
And that’s not all …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our page dedicated to lawyer jokes, where the courtroom gets a comedic twist! Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood during a tough legal case or simply enjoy some clever quips about the world of law, this is the place for you. From witty one-liners about attorneys to classic courtroom gags, we’ve gathered the best jokes to bring a smile to your face—no legal expertise required!
What did the Lawyer say to the other Lawyer?
We are both Lawyers.
I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.
They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.
Where do lawyers meet for lunch?
At the food court.
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.
When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.
The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”
St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”
The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”
St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
One of the cops replies, “You are the lawyer.”
The lawyer says, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree.
He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”
A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing.
Unfortunately he lost his case
Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.
It’ll be Trial by Fire.
A man is at court today for damaging books by putting tippex on all the full stops.
He’s expecting a long sentence.
I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish.
I’m going to take them to the small clams court…
Did you hear about the judge with no fingers?
Justice Thumbs.
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish?
One is a spineless, poisonous blob.
The other is a form of sea life.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller.
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was.
“$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer.
“Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man.
“Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?
The wooden partitions around the witness stand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Lawyer’s creed: A person is innocent until proven broke.
There’s a new toy doll coming out this Christmas: Divorce Barbie.
She comes with a lawyer and all of Ken’s stuff.
Arguing with lawyers is like wrestling with pigs in mud.
Before long, you discover they love it.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
I considered becoming a lawyer, but it turns out my parents were married before I was born.
A person who represents himself has a fool for a client but also more money in the bank.
If you can make a great argument as to why you shouldn’t be a lawyer, you should be a lawyer.
Cemeteries bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 because deep down, they’re good people.
I used to be a lawyer, but it lost its appeal.
God once considered suing Satan for ripping off the concept of heaven with hell but dropped it when he remembered where all the lawyers were.
The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.
The difference between an accountant and a lawyer is that accountants know they’re boring.
The legal definition of a jury is 12 people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Abraham Lincoln never needed a lawyer because he was in a cent.
The sun was relieved when its lawyer told it that it’d only been charged with a light sentence.
Eight vowels, 11 consonants, a comma and an exclamation mark appeared in court today.
They are due to be sentenced next week.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to the ultimate collection of Mother and Mother-in-law jokes! Whether you’re looking for light-hearted quips about the quirks of motherhood or classic one-liners about the joys (and challenges) of having a mother-in-law, we’ve got a mix of playful, witty, and affectionate humour. Perfect for sharing a laugh with family or adding some fun to any gathering, these jokes celebrate the special bond – with a cheeky twist! Dive in and enjoy some good-natured fun that everyone can relate to!
I asked my mother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Lovely woman, terrible surgeon.
I was once abducted by aliens.
They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables…
Turns out I was on the mothership.
So my mother-in-law asked if I would play Twister with her…
That put me in a very awkward position!
What do you call a short mother?
A minimum.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
What’s my mother going to do?
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying, “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
My dad, my mum and myself have always had two obsessions; collecting fungi seeds and the Queen song ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.
I’m just a spore boy from a spore family…
My mum always used to say “40 is the new 30”.
Lovely woman, banned from driving.
My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…
She’s a vigilauntie.
When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”.
I thought, “That’s unlikely”…
It’s a basic skill isn’t it….
Bought my mum a fridge for her birthday.
You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it!
My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.
I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.
“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”
“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”
Ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today…
His mum was furious.
Told the wife that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.
Told Mum that the wife has something wrong with her.
My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
I shouted to my Mom on Mother’s Day, “How does breakfast in bed sound?”
She said, “Ooh that sounds lovely!
I said, “Great, I’ll have bacon, fries and two eggs.”
I asked my Mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day.
She said, “Thanks son, but all I want is a bit of caring and looking after.”
So I put her in a nursing home.
For Mother’s Day, I bought my Mom new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I got my Mom a scratchcard for Mother’s Day but I couldn’t resist scratching it off myself, and would you believe it – it was a $10,000 winner!
I’m sure she’ll like the flowers.
As today is Mother’s Day, I have three special words for my Mom:
“What’s for dinner?”
My friend asked me what I’d bought for Mother’s Day.
I said, “Some suspenders and sexy underwear and I’ve booked a hotel room.”
He said, “Don’t you think that’s a bit inappropriate for your Mom?”
I said, “Oh it’s not for my Mom. It’s all for yours.”
I thought breakfast in bed would be a nice Mother’s Day treat for my Mom.
So I’ve put a camp bed next to the stove for her.
A mother is trying to get her son to eat his carrots. She says, “You know they’re good for your eyes.”
The son says, “How do you know that?”
The mom replies, “Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?”
For Mother’s Day, I bought my Mom a mug that says, “From the world’s worst son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows anyway.
What are the best type of flowers for a boy to buy his Mom for Mother’s Day?
Son flowers.
Why is a computer so smart?
Because it listens to its motherboard.
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
What’s the difference between Superman and mothers?
Superman is only a superhero every now and then. Mothers are superheroes all the time.
Why do mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist?
Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
I got a new car for my Mom this Mother’s Day.
It’s the best trade I ever made.
As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”
She answered, “Well… for as long as you like.”
“Not even for coffee??”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying.
My mother-in-law commented, “Wow, she really settled for you quickly!”
“Just like her mother.”
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Ever since it started raining my mother-in-law has been standing and looking sadly through the window.
If it gets ever heavier I may have to let her in.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I took my dog, my social media addict daughter and my mother-in-law in the car yesterday.
I can’t afford a car stereo but I still have a woofer, a tweeter and a loud-speaker.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for two minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
We let my mother-in-law come down to visit us every Christmas.
Well she can’t stay on the roof all year.
A wife calls her mother in-law and asks her, “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?”
The mother in-law yells, “The mother of course!”
The wife says, “Then come clean up your drunk son!”
Anagram of mother-in-law:
Woman Hitler.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
I was walking down the street with my wife when we saw six guys beating up my mother-in-law.
My wife yelled, “Hey, aren’t you going to help?”
I said, “No, six should be enough.”
“Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Jones, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is. Work first, then fun.”
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose…
Would you go to lunch or a movie?
“Diana!” I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door.
She replied, “My name is Anna!”
I said, “Yes. Yes I know.”
My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later.
“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.
“I haven’t had a chance to!” Replied the parrot.
What’s the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
I bought my mother-in-law a chair for her birthday.
But my wife wouldn’t let me plug it in.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed.
I never knew they worked.
I’ve been searching for three years for my mother-in-law’s killer.
But I still can’t find anyone to do it.
What do you call mixed emotions?
Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car.
Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says, “My mother-in-law is a saint.”
To which the other man replies, “You’re so lucky! Mine’s still alive.”
I discovered my mother-in-law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.
I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.
Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said, “Sir, it looks like your mother-in-law has been hit by a bus”
I replied, “I know, but she has a great personality.”
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to the spookiest corner of the internet! Our Halloween jokes page is packed with fang-tastic puns, ghoulish giggles, and eerie one-liners that will tickle your funny bone. Whether you’re looking for light-hearted laughs for your Halloween party or just want to add some humour to the haunting season, we’ve got jokes that are wickedly funny for all ages. Get ready to cackle along with us – if you dare!
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween.
That should save me a bob or two…
I told my wife: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween… #
My wife: “Which is?”
Me: “Exactly”
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
What sound does a witch’s car make?
Broom broom.
What sort of exams do witches do?
Spelling tests.
What’s a dyslexic wizard’s biggest problem?
They can’t spell.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually it was more of a spell check.
My house is being haunted by the ghost of a dead chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist.
I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost.
To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…
Just bought a boomerang from a ghost…
That’ll come back to haunt me…
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Local ghost stopped paying his mortgage and ended up being repossessed.
They don’t like random strangers knocking on their door.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I was a Congressional bill for Halloween this year.
Stayed in the House and didn’t accomplish anything.
What is the most famous Halloween building?
The Vampire State Building.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Spice Girls’ music is excellent at Halloween.
The vocals can be Scary.
Last Halloween, I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a car key.
They threw me out because I looked like I might start something.
Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
What’s the first thing bats learn in school?
The alpha-bat.
How do girl vampires flirt?
They bat their eyes.
How do vampires get into their houses?
Through the bat flap.
How did the two bat lovers first meet?
On a blind date.
What do you call a baby bat?
A battle.
How are bats like real-estate agents?
It’s all echo-location location location.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
Why did Dracula take medicine?
To stop his coffin.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas.
There’s only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he’s afraid to go into the crypt tonight.
Where does Dracula buy his pencils?
Pennsylvania.
Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday.
He said it wasn’t faulty, he just couldn’t see himself using it.
What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?
A Count suspended.
What do ghosts wash their hair with?
Shamboo.
Why are ghosts so fat?
Because they’re scared to exorcise.
Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
He heard they needed a little team spirit.
Why do ghosts hang out at bars?
Because they like booze.
Which room will you never see a ghost in?
The living room.
When a street performer dies, does he become a ghost busker?
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
Boo-berry pie.
Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
The scary go-round and the roller-ghoster.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
What do you call a male mummy with a cold?
I’m not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
Why are mummies scared of vacation?
They’re afraid to unwind.
Why didn’t the man accept the mummy’s business proposition?
He thought it might be a pyramid scheme.
I passed my mummy embalming exam easily.
It was a no-brainer.
Why are mummies so hard for archaeologists to find?
Because they’re all kept under wraps.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
Wrap music.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
Because his heart wasn’t in it.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain on Halloween?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
The sax-a-bone.
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How do you catch a skeleton?
With a rib cage.
What do you call a vaping vampire?
Vlad the Inhaler.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
Why are vampires so impulsive?
They never reflect on things.
I’ve set up a company to rid people of vampires.
I’m the main stakeholder.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues?
They don’t like steak.
When does an idea kill a vampire?
When it dawns on them.
What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A blood test.
Which fruit is a vampire’s favorite?
A neck-tarine.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
“You just follow the instructions.”
“Which instructions?”
“Yeah, they’re the ones.”
Witches and wizards don’t fart.
They cast smells.
Where do witches bake their cookies?
In a coven.
How did the first witch talk to the second witch?
She cauldron the phone.
Why do witches have their names printed on their shirts?
So you can tell which witch is which.
Why do witches not wear a normal hat?
Because there’s no point in it.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterwarts.
Why didn’t the witch ride on her broom when she was upset?
She was afraid she would fly off the handle.
What do you call a witch who goes to the beach?
A sand witch.
A man says to a werewolf, “You’re a werewolf.”
The werewolf says, “Yes, I’m awere.”
What’s the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What is a werewolf’s favorite day of the week?
Moonday.
What did the werewolf say to his friends when they met?
Howl y’all doing?
What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
A dead man wokking.
What do dyslexic zombies eat?
Brians.
What’s the one thing all zombies want?
Piece of mind.
What’s a zombie’s favorite drink?
A stiff one.
If zombies eat humans…
Does that mean they bite the hand that feeds them?
What’s a zombie’s favorite type of bean?
Human beans.
Why did the zombie stay home from school?
He felt rotten.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
