Joke of the Day: Thursday’s thoughtless thoroughfare of thankless thunderclaps …

I gave up my job as a taxi driver.

I kept driving my customers away.

I decided that being a shepherd wasn’t for me.

Every time I try to count my flock, I fall asleep.

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

I lost my job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.

I was always giving rave reviews.

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman.

With him, the glass was always half empty.

And I got sacked from his job at the Rich Tea factory.

They said I took the biscuit.

I just got sacked from my job at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

A friend of mine lost his job as a courier driver.

He just wasn’t delivering the goods.

Why can’t you play cards with a pirate?

Because they are standing on the deck….

How do you stop a bull from charging?

Take away his credit card.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting.

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My girlfriend asked, “would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”

Turns out “yes I do” was not the right answer.

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s timeworn turntable of terrible tunes …

What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy Dead People.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have some company.

I asked my kids if they liked my grandmother.

They said she’s a great grandmother.

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs?

Watts the difference?

What I if told you…

That you read the first line incorrectly?

Somebody called me pretentiousness the other day!

I nearly choked on my skinny latte with caramel and chocolate sprinkles.

Breaking News!!

Ne ws

One.

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

I went to a fancy dress party as a spider last night.

God knows what time I crawled in.

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stopped making photography puns…

I said “Snap out of it, don’t be so negative, let’s see how things develop!”

Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash…

I told her my name was “Heath.” She said her name was “Heather.”

I said, “This isn’t a competition.”

My friend’s Xbox got stolen.

He was so upset about it that he couldn’t be consoled.

My grief counselor died.

He was so good, I don’t even care.

Someone tried to explain binary to me.

I couldn’t understand a bit of it.

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Apprentice Nicknames

My friend Mike in Australia heard some hilarious breakfast radio last week.  In Australia, especially building sites, apprentice. workers often give each other nicknames.  Sometimes really cruel, but also funny.

Sensor Light – he only works when someone walks past.

Noodles – he reckons every job takes 2 minutes.

The Olympic flame – coz he never goes out.

The Sniper’s Nightmare– has one leg shorter than the other.

Keth because he had one eye missing.

Clock has a big hand and a small hand.

Wicket Keeper puts on the gloves and stands back.

Break pad– gets worn out easily and starts to squeal.

Grenade – he’s always the first to go off.

Deck chair – always folds under pressure

Lantern – not very bright and always has to be carried.

Blister – only appears after the hard work is done.

Daisy – some days he’s here, some days he’s not.

Seaweed – floats around all day and stinks.

G-spot – you can never find him.

Master Card – somebody who takes credit for other people’s work.

Feta – crumbles under pressure.

Hostage someone who’s always tied up and can’t help.

Platypus – protected species aka the boss’ son.

Pothole – is always in the road.

Pluto – far out and not very bright.

Broken arrow – doesn’t work and can’t be fired.

Two stroke – hard to get started and constantly smokes.

I hope you enjoyed these. If you like Mike’s humour he can be found having a pint in the Pig’s Arms (https://pigsarms.com.au/)

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This Day in History: August 29th

Here are 10 interesting historical events that took place on August 29th:

  • 1632: English philosopher John Locke is born.
  • 1728: The city of Nuuk in Greenland is founded.
  • 1741: The eruption of Oshima–Ōshima and the Kampo tsunami kill at least 2,000 people in Japan.
  • 1831: English physicist Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic induction.
  • 1862: The Second Battle of Bull Run is fought during the American Civil War.
  • 1914: Women join the British war effort.
  • 1949: The Soviet Union tests its first atomic bomb.
  • 1966: The Beatles perform their last commercial concert.
  • 1988: Abdul Mohmand becomes the first person from Afghanistan to go to space.
  • 2005: Hurricane Katrina makes landfall in New Orleans, causing widespread damage and loss of life.
  • 2018: The United States withdraws from the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty.

I hope you find these events interesting!

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s tram transit of tasty tarts …

Played football last night on a pitch surfaced with rubble and broken bricks.

We won 3-1 on aggregate.

A lorry has spilled its load of bricks over the road.

Police say queues are building.

I got some barbeque-flavoured crisps.

They taste of bricks and mesh.

How do you hire a horse?

Put a brick under each hoof.

Why do people normally only have a single egg for breakfast in France?

Because one egg is an oeuf.

Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night. Day.

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

My neighbour blamed my gravel for making him fall.

But it was his dumb asphalt.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.

No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

I own the world’s worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

Have you played the updated kids’ game?

I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games.

She said, “Wii.”

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this…

I will not rest until I find you.

If I had a pound for every girl that did not like me…

Girls would eventually like me.

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

Let me tell you a little about myself.

It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me’.

If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

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This Day in History: August 15th

Here are ten interesting historical events that took place on August 15th:

  1. 718: The Siege of Constantinople ends: The Byzantine Empire, under Emperor Leo III, successfully repels a massive Arab assault on the capital city of Constantinople, thereby preventing its capture.
  2. 1483: The Sistine Chapel is consecrated: Pope Sixtus IV consecrates the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City, named after him, and it becomes the official papal chapel.
  3. 1519: Panama City is founded: Spanish conquistador Pedro Arias Dávila establishes Panama City, the first European settlement on the Pacific coast of the Americas.
  4. 1914: The Panama Canal opens: The Panama Canal, connecting the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, officially opens to traffic, significantly shortening maritime trade routes.
  5. 1945: Japan surrenders: Emperor Hirohito announces Japan’s surrender in World War II, ending the conflict in the Pacific and bringing about the formal end of the war on September 2nd.
  6. 1947: India gains independence: After years of nonviolent resistance led by Mahatma Gandhi and other freedom fighters, India gains independence from British rule.
  7. 1965: The Beatles perform at Shea Stadium: The iconic British band The Beatles perform a record-breaking concert at Shea Stadium in New York City, marking a milestone in the history of pop music.
  8. 1971: Bahrain gains independence: The Kingdom of Bahrain gains independence from the United Kingdom and becomes a sovereign nation.
  9. 1998: Omagh bombing in Northern Ireland: A car bomb planted by the Real Irish Republican Army (RIRA) in the town of Omagh kills 29 people and injures more than 220, making it one of the deadliest attacks of the Northern Ireland Troubles.
  10. 2012: NASA’s Voyager 1 enters interstellar space: After more than 35 years of traveling through space, the Voyager 1 spacecraft becomes the first human-made object to enter interstellar space, beyond the influence of the Sun’s gravitational pull.

These events showcase the diversity of historical occurrences that have taken place on August 15th, spanning from ancient battles to modern achievements in space exploration.

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The Sage and the Cotton Bud

In a land where wisdom reigns so grand,
Lived an old Sage with tales unplanned.
His beard flowed down like a river’s bend,
A wise old soul, a lifelong friend.


One morn he rose from his slumber deep,
From dreams of stars and secrets to keep.
He searched his bed with a furrowed brow,
For a cotton bud that had wandered somehow.


A quest began, both solemn and true,
In pursuit of a bud, a quest anew.
With every crease and every fold,
The Sage sought the cotton’s tale untold.


Through ancient tomes and scrolls he pored,
For a remedy he sought, and wisdom stored.
Yet the cotton bud played hide and seek,
Amidst blankets warm and shadows meek.


He pondered the riddle his bed had become,
A challenge unique, a trial for some.
With laughter in eyes that held ancient lore,
He whispered a lesson from times of yore.


“In life’s vast tapestry, threads may stray,
Lost in the folds of night and day.
Embrace the mystery, let worries part,
For hidden treasures lie in every heart.”


With patience and grace, he gazed above,
To the cosmos vast and the stars that move.
Though the cotton bud eluded his grasp,
He found solace deep, a truth to clasp.


So remember this Sage, so wise and old,
Whose tale of a cotton bud was told.
In life’s small moments, the lessons reside,
In the search, the journey, where hearts confide.

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This Day in History: August 11th

Here are ten interesting historical events that took place on August 11th:

  1. 3114 BC: According to the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, the current creation era of the Mayan calendar began on this date.
  2. 1492: Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos de la Frontera, Spain, on his voyage to the Americas.
  3. 1919: Green Bay Packers, one of the most iconic teams in American football, was founded on this date.
  4. 1942: Actress Hedy Lamarr and composer George Antheil patented the frequency-hopping spread spectrum communication technology, a precursor to modern wireless technology.
  5. 1960: Chad gained independence from France and became a sovereign nation.
  6. 1984: President Ronald Reagan made a joke during a microphone test, saying, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” The remark was not intended for public release and caused an international stir.
  7. 1999: A total solar eclipse occurred across parts of Europe, the Middle East, and Asia.
  8. 2003: The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) took over the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) in Afghanistan.
  9. 2006: NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter successfully reached Mars to begin its mission of studying the Martian atmosphere and surface.
  10. 2017: A white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, turned violent, resulting in clashes with counter-protesters and the death of Heather Heyer. This event drew significant attention to issues of racism and hate groups in the United States.

These events span a wide range of historical and cultural significance, showcasing the diversity of occurrences on August 11th throughout history.

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Advice of the Day: Shoes

Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.

The premise “SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day” is often used humorously or as a playful exaggeration. It’s a bit of a lighthearted expression that takes a common-sense idea to an extreme and humorous conclusion. The idea is not meant to be taken literally, but rather as a way to highlight the importance of giving shoes some rest between wears to help maintain their condition. It’s a playful way of conveying the concept of taking care of your belongings.

In general, the idea that shoes will last twice as long if worn every other day is not an absolute rule. The durability of shoes depends on various factors such as the quality of materials, construction, usage patterns, and maintenance.

Wearing shoes every other day might help reduce wear and tear to some extent since it allows the shoes to “rest” between wears, which can give materials time to recover and prevent excessive strain on certain parts. However, this effect might not always result in shoes lasting exactly twice as long.

Factors that can affect shoe longevity include:

  1. Quality of Materials: Higher quality materials tend to withstand daily wear better than cheaper, lower-quality materials.
  2. Construction: Shoes with solid construction, reinforced seams, and good stitching are likely to last longer regardless of wear patterns.
  3. Usage: The type of activities you engage in while wearing the shoes can greatly impact their lifespan. Athletic activities or rough usage can lead to quicker deterioration.
  4. Maintenance: Regular cleaning, proper storage, and occasional conditioning can prolong the life of shoes.
  5. Fit: Shoes that fit well and are appropriate for the wearer’s foot type and gait are less likely to experience excessive strain.
  6. Environmental Factors: Exposure to moisture, extreme temperatures, and other environmental conditions can accelerate wear and tear.

While alternating between pairs of shoes and giving them time to rest can potentially extend their lifespan, it’s important to recognize that the “twice as long” claim might not be universally applicable. Regular maintenance and care are key to maximizing the longevity of your shoes, regardless of how often you wear them. If you’re looking to make your shoes last longer, investing in well-constructed, quality footwear and practicing good shoe care habits are likely to have a more significant impact than just altering how often you wear them.

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Joke of the Day: Friday’s factory fabrication of fish flavoured fries …

I was in a shop the other day, and there was an empty tester bottle of perfume with a sign saying “out of odour”.

Sting has launched an aromatherapy range.

It’s a massage in a bottle.

I saw someone holding a pair of shoes to his ears.

Apparently, he was listening to sole music.

After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”

She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…

What a feline!

I took a photo of a mouse yesterday…

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it…

I think the heat is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.

I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…

I just sold all my glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…

Doctor: “How’s the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20p coins?”

Nurse: “No change yet.”

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Why were the Dark Ages so dark?

Because there were so many knights.

If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”

Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.

I just ate a frozen apple.

Hardcore.

Save the whales.

Collect the whole set.

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, “So, how’s it going?”

The second one sighs and shakes his head, “Not good. I can’t pay my bills, my health isn’t good, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.”

The first replies, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”

Did you know Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs?

That’s because they’re Inca hoots.

Thank you for phoning the fishing help center.

Please hold the line.

I was starting my new job at the pharmacy this morning when a guy walked in.

“I’ve got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it’s going to explode,” he said, “Have you got anything?”

I said, “No, I feel fine.”

We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday.

You should have seen their little faeces light up.

I dropped a really big crumb on my laptop keyboard.

Turned out to be nothing to worry about though.

It’s under Ctrl.

It was a big surprise when the advertising company went out of business.

No one saw the signs.

I took a job at a broth factory.

The salary is low but at least there are stock options.

I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano.

I think it was an orchestrated attack.

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.

So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

I went to a costume party last night, dressed as a screwdriver.

Turned a few heads.

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