Joke of the Day: Monday’s meaty meteor of mutating moonshine …

Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

Today I have officially been sober for 100 days.

Not like, in a row or anything..

Just in total.

My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday.

Ta Pauline.

I made a website for orphans.

It doesn’t have a homepage.

I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my girlfriend loved the lengthy corridor.

Now I’m in it for the long hall.

What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

I’ve just seen a poor old lady fall over and knock herself out.

Well, I think she’s poor.

She’s only got a fiver in her handbag.

I asked my waiter: “What’s the special of the day?”

“Octopus” he replied.

“Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!” He added.

My girlfriend said she’s splitting up with me because I’m obsessed with Boy George.

I asked her if she really wanted to hurt me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a female’s body.

Then I was born.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!

In the end, he came around.

My girlfriend handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”

I said I’d take either/oar.

“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying “come in, make a seat.”

What’s green and not very heavy?

Light green.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day…

At his funeral, we placed a life-jacket on his coffin.

It’s what he would have wanted…

Me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel..

I won!

Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..

They lit a fire in the craft, and it sank..

Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Half the people you know are below average.

I really like puns about yellow gloves I must admit…

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Quote of the Day: Gifts

“A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.”

Seneca

Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger or Lucius Annaeus Seneca, was a prominent Roman philosopher, statesman, and playwright who lived from approximately 4 BC to AD 65. He was born in Corduba (present-day Córdoba, Spain) and came from a wealthy and influential family.

Seneca is best known for his contributions to Stoicism, a philosophical school that emphasized the development of virtue, self-control, and inner tranquility as the path to a happy and meaningful life. He wrote extensively on various subjects, including ethics, morality, and the nature of the universe.

In his philosophical works, Seneca explored the idea of living in accordance with nature, accepting life’s challenges with equanimity, and embracing personal responsibility for one’s actions and attitudes. He believed that true happiness and freedom come from cultivating one’s character and not being overly attached to external circumstances or material possessions.

Aside from his philosophical pursuits, Seneca also served as an advisor and tutor to the Roman emperor Nero, who was his nephew. Despite his close association with Nero, Seneca faced political challenges and eventually fell out of favor with the emperor. In AD 65, he was forced to commit suicide after being accused of involvement in a conspiracy against Nero, a fate he met with courage and philosophical composure.

Seneca’s writings have had a significant influence on Western philosophy and continue to be studied and admired to this day. His works, such as “Letters to Lucilius” and “On the Shortness of Life,” offer timeless wisdom and insights into human nature, making him one of the most celebrated thinkers of the ancient world.

The quote “A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer” emphasizes the importance of the motive or intention behind a gift or action, rather than solely focusing on the material value or outcome.

At its core, the quote suggests that the true essence of a gift or act of kindness lies in the thought and sentiment behind it. A meaningful gift is not merely determined by its monetary value or grandeur but is defined by the genuine care, love, or goodwill expressed by the giver. Similarly, a compassionate act carries greater significance when it is motivated by empathy, compassion, and a desire to help others.

In essence, the quote reminds us that the true worth of a gift or action is in the emotions, intentions, and feelings invested in it. It encourages us to be mindful of the deeper connections we share with others, fostering a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the sincerity and kindness of those who give or act with genuine intent.

This concept extends beyond material gifts and encompasses any gesture, deed, or support offered to others. It reminds us that the thoughtfulness and goodwill we put into our actions have the power to create a positive impact on the lives of those we interact with, enriching relationships and building a sense of community and empathy.

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Advice of the Day: Car Thieves

CAR thieves Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

The statement, “CAR thieves Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat,” can be seen as humorous to some people, but it is important to note that humor is subjective and can vary based on individual sensibilities.

The humor in this statement comes from the unexpected twist in perspective. The phrase starts with the assumption that the advice is directed at “car thieves,” which is already a morally wrong and illegal activity. However, instead of encouraging car theft, the punchline reveals that the valuables may be hidden, implying that the car thief won’t find anything of value. In this sense, the humor lies in subverting expectations and using irony.

Despite the humor, it is essential to remember that car theft is a serious crime and should not be condoned or encouraged in any way. Humor should never justify or promote illegal or harmful behavior. Instead, humor should focus on positive and constructive subjects, without encouraging any form of wrongdoing. That said, I think it is funny!

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This Day in History: July 24th

Here are 10 interesting events that took place on July 24th throughout history:

  1. 1567: Mary, Queen of Scots, abdicates the Scottish throne – Amid political and religious turmoil, Mary Stuart is forced to abdicate in favor of her infant son, James VI.
  2. 1701: Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac founds Detroit, Michigan – The French explorer establishes a trading post, which eventually grows into the city of Detroit.
  3. 1847: Brigham Young leads Mormon pioneers to the Salt Lake Valley – After a long journey, Brigham Young and his followers arrive in what is now Utah, establishing the settlement of Salt Lake City.
  4. 1929: The Kellogg-Briand Pact is signed – 15 nations sign a treaty renouncing war as an instrument of national policy, aiming for peaceful resolutions to international conflicts.
  5. 1969: Apollo 11 returns to Earth – The Apollo 11 spacecraft, carrying Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins, splashes down in the Pacific Ocean, completing their historic moon landing mission.
  6. 1974: The United States Supreme Court orders President Richard Nixon to release the Watergate tapes – This order played a significant role in the Watergate scandal, leading to Nixon’s resignation.
  7. 2001: Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha becomes Prime Minister of Bulgaria – The former King of Bulgaria returns to his country and takes on a political role in the government.
  8. 2018: The longest total lunar eclipse of the 21st century – The “Blood Moon” lunar eclipse occurs, lasting 1 hour, 43 minutes, and 35 seconds, visible in parts of Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and South America.
  9. 2019: Boris Johnson becomes the UK Prime Minister – Following Theresa May’s resignation, Boris Johnson is appointed as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
  10. 2020: Japan’s SoftBank Group announces the sale of ARM to NVIDIA – The deal, valued at $40 billion, sees the British semiconductor and software design company ARM being sold to the American technology company NVIDIA.

Please note that these events are significant and intriguing occurrences, but there are many other events of historical importance that have also taken place on July 24th throughout history.

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Joke of the Day: Sunday’s sodden salvage of satirical shipwreck

Fed up with the laundry basket.

I’m going to throw the towel in.

Turned down a job emptying laundry baskets at the local monastery as I didn’t want to pick up any dirty habits.

I’ve decided to put all my eggs in one basket so I don’t look daft walking around the supermarket.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

Maybe

I had to resign from my job as an ice cream taste tester.

I couldn’t work sundaes…

My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”

Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…

I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.

So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddad’s house…

I received a cricket ball through the post yesterday.

It was a perfect delivery.

Why does your nose grow in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter.

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

My girlfriend left me today because I’m too insecure…

Oh wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

How do Mexicans stay warm?

They use chickens for heaters.

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded?

There was de Brie everywhere.

What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain?

Camembert.

I once dated a girl with fiery red hair and a pale white thin body.

We met on match.com

My dyslexic grandfather was a baker in the Army.

He used to go into battle with all buns glazing.

What do you get if you chop a policeman’s head into four pieces?

Police headquarters.

What do kids have four of, but adults only have two of?

Kid Knees!

I politely asked the surgeon if he minded me administering my own anesthetic

He said “Sure, knock yourself out”

Did you know that next week is diarrhea awareness week?

Runs until Friday.

The statement: “You are what you eat” isn’t really true.

For example: If you eat a Vegan, you are not a Vegan.

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Quote of the Day: Blame

“Neither blame or praise yourself.”

Plutarch

The quote “Neither blame nor praise yourself” suggests a mindset of balance and equanimity in how one views oneself and one’s actions. It encourages avoiding extreme self-judgment, whether it be overly critical or excessively self-congratulatory.

Here’s what the quote conveys:

  1. Avoid self-blame: It advises against being too harsh on oneself when things don’t go as planned or when mistakes are made. Often, people tend to be their own harshest critics, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, or unworthiness. The quote reminds us not to overly blame ourselves for shortcomings and failures, but rather to recognize that everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges.
  2. Refrain from excessive self-praise: On the other hand, the quote also cautions against excessive self-praise or an inflated sense of self-importance. While acknowledging our accomplishments and strengths is essential for self-esteem, constant self-aggrandizement can lead to arrogance and a lack of self-awareness.

The underlying message is to cultivate self-compassion and a realistic view of oneself. It encourages finding a middle ground between being overly self-critical and having an overly inflated ego. Acknowledge your imperfections and learn from mistakes without dwelling on self-blame, and be humble about your achievements without falling into the trap of excessive self-praise.

By adopting a balanced perspective, one can maintain a healthier and more positive sense of self, leading to personal growth and overall well-being. It’s essential to practice self-acceptance and be kind to oneself while also staying open to areas of improvement and continued learning.

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Advice of the Day: Avoidance

If you can’t say something nice, say something vague.

The advice “If you can’t say something nice, say something vague” can be seen as a form of avoidance or a coping mechanism to prevent hurting someone’s feelings or causing conflict. While it may seem like a harmless way to avoid being overtly negative, it is not necessarily the best approach for effective communication and interpersonal relationships.

Here are some considerations:

  1. Lack of clarity: Vague statements might lead to misunderstandings or confusion, as the intended message is not clear. It may leave the other person guessing or trying to interpret what you meant, potentially leading to further frustration.
  2. Dishonesty: While avoiding direct negativity, vague statements can come across as disingenuous or insincere. Instead of being honest about your thoughts or feelings, you are choosing to withhold information or mask your true opinion.
  3. Missed opportunity for growth: Constructive criticism, when delivered with empathy and respect, can be valuable for personal growth and improvement. By providing vague feedback, you miss the chance to help others learn and develop in certain areas.
  4. Impact on trust: Consistently using vague language to avoid saying something negative can erode trust in relationships. People may feel you are not authentic or forthcoming, which can damage the foundation of trust in your interactions.

Instead of defaulting to vagueness, consider the following approaches:

  1. Practice empathy: If you need to address a sensitive or negative topic, approach it with empathy and understanding for the other person’s feelings. Be respectful in your delivery.
  2. Focus on constructive feedback: If criticism is necessary, try to frame it constructively by highlighting specific areas for improvement and offering suggestions for positive changes.
  3. Choose silence if needed: If you can’t find anything genuinely nice or constructive to say, it might be better to remain silent rather than resorting to vagueness. Not every situation requires your input.
  4. Be authentic: Strive to communicate honestly and authentically while maintaining respect and kindness. Honesty, delivered with empathy, can strengthen relationships.

In summary, using vagueness to avoid saying something negative may not be the best advice when it comes to effective communication and fostering healthy relationships. Instead, aim for open, honest, and empathetic communication, even when addressing sensitive topics.

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This Day in History: July 23rd

Here are ten interesting events that took place on July 23rd throughout history:

  1. 1829: William Austin Burt receives the first U.S. patent for a typewriter, called the “Typographer.”
  2. 1885: Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th President of the United States, passes away in Mount McGregor, New York.
  3. 1903: The Ford Motor Company sells its first car, a Model A, to Dr. Ernst Pfenning of Chicago.
  4. 1926: Fox Film Corporation showcases the first-ever feature-length film with synchronized sound, “Don Juan,” in New York City.
  5. 1940: Billboard Magazine publishes its first Music Popularity Chart, later known as the “Hot 100.”
  6. 1962: Telstar 1, the world’s first communication satellite, is launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, enabling live television broadcasts between the United States and Europe.
  7. 1967: Twelve nations, including the United States and the Soviet Union, sign the Outer Space Treaty, prohibiting the use of space for military purposes.
  8. 1982: The International Whaling Commission announces a moratorium on commercial whaling, starting in 1986.
  9. 1992: Abkhazia declares independence from Georgia, leading to a conflict known as the 1992-1993 War in Abkhazia.
  10. 2011: NASA’s Space Shuttle Atlantis lands at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, concluding the final mission of the Space Shuttle program.

These events represent a mix of technological advancements, significant historical moments, cultural milestones, and global agreements that have shaped various aspects of our world.

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Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s winding whirlpool of whining wonderment ….

Our delivery driver has just fallen over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.

I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

I’m creating an app to find qualified electricians in your area.

It’s called Wattsapp.

My friend had a business selling bonsai trees.

He was so successful he had to move into smaller premises.

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging.

Why is Billy Joel’s laundry still wet?

“He Didn’t Start The Dryer.”

I love watching programmes about lakes and rivers on the internet.

Anything water related really.

I’m actually watching a live stream right now.

A man goes for a walk in the park.

On his walk, he sees two men sat on a park bench and looking very down.

“What’s wrong?” He asked them.

One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”

Curious, he sits down next to the two men.

“The paint’s wet,” the man says.

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three-piece suite!

Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty.

I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She’d lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

To the scumbag that stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my shop!

I don’t know how you can sleep at night.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

I have a phobia of abbreviations.

Laugh out Loud.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online…

Heinz’s site is a wonderful thing!

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

What do you call an average looking monster?

Mediogre.

I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”

He said, “I think you mean constipated.”

I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement.”

Mental maths.

It’s the thought that counts.

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an Xbox game for his Playstation.

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Advice of the Day: Stupidity

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The quote, “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups,” is often attributed to American author George Carlin. It is a humorous and satirical statement that highlights the potential impact and influence of misguided or unwise individuals when they come together in significant numbers.

While the quote may be amusing, it is essential to consider the underlying message and context. The advice can be interpreted in a couple of ways:

  1. From a cynical perspective: This advice suggests that when large groups of people with uninformed or misguided views come together, they may collectively make decisions or take actions that could have negative consequences or lead to questionable outcomes. It serves as a cautionary reminder not to dismiss the potential impact of ignorance, misinformation, or mob mentality.
  2. From a practical standpoint: The advice could also imply that, in various situations, we should be aware of the potential influence a large group of people can have, regardless of their level of intelligence or knowledge. It is a reminder to pay attention to group dynamics, as collective behavior can be powerful, sometimes even overpowering rational or well-informed decisions.

However, it’s important to note that the quote is generalized and somewhat derogatory in its phrasing, using the term “stupid people.” Labeling people in this manner is not constructive or respectful, and it’s essential to treat individuals with empathy, understanding, and respect, regardless of their views or intelligence.

In summary, while the quote can be seen as thought-provoking and humorous, the advice it conveys should be taken with a degree of caution and critical thinking. Instead of focusing on the intelligence of the individuals in a group, it is more constructive to consider the potential consequences of group dynamics and the importance of promoting informed decision-making and constructive dialogue in society.

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