Me: “Excuse me, are these ‘genetically modified’ carrots?”

Grocer: “No, why do you ask?”

Carrot: “Yeah, why do you ask?”.

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly as I expected.

Why was the chemist arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his girlfriend.

That’s a salt.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

FUN FACT! Georg Ohm, the famous physicist, met his wife at a party.

He couldn’t resistor…

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium.

Scientists have failed to get pandas to eat synthetic food because they are hard to bamboozle.

What’s the friendliest polyatomic ion?

Bromate.

I hear they are developing a mind-controlled air freshener…

It makes scents when you think about it.

Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is.

I told him, “that makes 2 of us.”

Oxygen and potassium went on a date…

It went OK.

Never trust an atom!

They make up everything.

A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him.

He’s the new temp.

Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…

They’re always plotting something.

For our chemistry exam, we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

It turns out my school chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

I’ve just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.

Someone’s going to be wrong.

Scientists have discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart…

They say it’s a blast from the past.

A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship …

But there was no Chemistry.

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they’re actually pretty light.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.

I was like Omg …

Today I learned Albert Einstein really existed.

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

My lab partner invented a device that will steal other people’s ideas and then delete it from their memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!

In the end, he came around.

Which is heavier: a litre of water or a litre of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

There is a new type of head lice going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.

It’s left scientists scratching their heads…

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…

But his brother Frank was a monster.

Scientists have recently recorded the sounds of two helium atoms laughing…

HeHe.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.

No, I’m not fat.

I’m just not on the right planet.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.

They’ve left no tern unstoned.

A neutron gets a pint and asks how much it is, and the barman says “For you, no charge”.

Why are plants so thin?

They are light eaters.

There’s a theory that no two people see a colour the exact same way.

Does that mean that colour is a pigment of your imagination?

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toast.

It was then I realized… …I’d accidentally ordered Avogadro’s Toast.

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. Priest asks it to leave.

The boson says “But without me, how can you have mass?”

If you break the Law of Gravity, do you get a suspended sentence?

“Anything that can be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise” – Cole’s Law

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.

The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”.

On the depressing side of physics, gravity always brings me down.

Organic chemistry is difficult. Its students have alkynes of trouble.

I was going to do a course on String Theory, but I didn’t know how long it was going to be.

How did the nucleus escape from prison?

Through the cell wall.

Difference between a Quantum Theorist & beauty therapist is one uses Planck’s Constant as a foundation, the other uses Max Factor.

A photon turns up at check in for a flight with no baggage.

The check in agent says “travelling light?”.

He says “Yes, I am”.

An ion says to his mate “I think I’ve lost an electron”.

His mate says “Are you sure?”.

He says “Yes, I’m positive”.

Some helium went into a bar.

The barman shouted “Oi! I’ve told you! We don’t serve Noble gases in here! Get out!”

The helium didn’t react.

If you think these jokes are all too old, I’ll take them out and Barium….

But once they’re gone they Argon…

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)