Avoid the stress of dieting altogether by simply redefining what counts as “on a diet.”
the sage
Dieting is, at its core, a matter of perspective. The modern world insists on rigid definitions involving restraint, discipline, and a suspicious lack of biscuits. The Wise Sage rejects this entirely. Instead, he recommends embracing a more flexible interpretation—one where the diet adapts to you, rather than the other way around.
A key strategy is the removal of all scales. Numbers are notorious for lowering morale, and without them, progress becomes wonderfully unmeasurable. If you cannot quantify your success, then technically, you are succeeding. This is known as “quantum dieting,” where results exist only when observed—and preferably not even then.
Equally important is food classification. The Sage advises that foods consumed while standing, walking, or thinking about something else do not count as meals. Similarly, anything eaten after 9pm falls into the category of “night research” and is therefore exempt from dietary consequences. Biscuits, for example, are not snacks—they are morale maintenance tools.
Hydration also plays a vital role. Drinking large amounts of water before meals can reduce hunger, although it may increase the likelihood of needing the bathroom at inconvenient moments. This creates a natural distraction from eating, which is widely regarded as a win.
Finally, remember that willpower is a finite resource and should be conserved for more important tasks, such as deciding what takeaway to order. If temptation strikes, simply eat the item quickly to remove it from your environment. You cannot be tempted by what no longer exists.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for tighter waistbands, confused nutritionists, or the gradual reclassification of trousers as “optimistic.”
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The Sage Page 