Don’t choose swimwear for comfort or practicality—choose something that raises immediate concern among strangers.
the sage
Swimwear is often selected based on fit, function, or modesty. The Wise Sage considers this a missed opportunity. The beach, after all, is a public stage, and your attire should reflect a bold disregard for expectation and basic engineering principles.
Begin by selecting a size that is confidently incorrect. Too small suggests optimism; too large suggests mystery. Either way, you will create intrigue. Straps should appear to be doing more work than they were designed for, and anything described as “secure” should be treated with suspicion.
Colour choice is equally important. Avoid subtlety. Instead, opt for patterns that can be seen from space—neon zigzags, clashing animal prints, or anything that appears to vibrate slightly when viewed directly. Ideally, your swimwear should make lifeguards uneasy before you even enter the water.
Functionality should be reduced to an absolute minimum. Complicated ties, unnecessary buckles, and inexplicable cut-outs all contribute to what professionals call “aquatic unpredictability.” If you can’t put it on without consulting a diagram, you are on the right track.
For added confidence, accessorise poorly. A snorkel without a mask, flippers on dry land, or a swimming cap worn backwards all signal that you are not to be questioned. Bonus points for carrying an inflatable object that serves no clear purpose.
When entering the water, do so with commitment. Hesitation suggests doubt, and doubt leads to adjustment, which must be avoided at all costs. Once in, remain still for a moment and let the outfit settle into whatever arrangement it deems appropriate.
Finally, remember that confidence is everything. If something appears to have gone wrong, behave as though it is entirely intentional. Onlookers will assume they are simply not familiar with the latest trends.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for wardrobe malfunctions, startled beachgoers, or being asked to leave the premises “for everyone’s safety.”
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