If you do something bad, make sure there is someone else around to blame.
the sage
Nobody enjoys admitting they’ve made a mistake. Fortunately, the Wise Sage has developed a far simpler solution: never be the only person present. Whether you’ve broken a vase, eaten the last biscuit, or accidentally reversed into the neighbour’s wheelie bin, having a convenient witness dramatically increases your options.
Preparation is everything. Before attempting anything even remotely questionable, invite friends, relatives or unsuspecting neighbours to stand nearby. The more innocent they appear, the more believable the accusation. Pets are also useful, although cats are generally considered guilty by default and dogs are far too pleased to defend themselves.
Timing is crucial. The moment disaster strikes, react before anyone else has processed what happened. Point decisively at the nearest bystander and confidently announce, “I saw the whole thing!” Confidence is far more persuasive than evidence. Never hesitate. Hesitation is practically an admission of guilt.
For advanced practitioners, keep a child within shouting distance. Adults instinctively assume children are responsible for almost anything involving noise, broken objects or mysterious stains. If no child is available, loudly muttering, “I told him this would happen,” while shaking your head in disappointment often achieves similar results.
If your chosen scapegoat denies everything, remain calm. Simply look disappointed and say, “I’m not angry… I’m just surprised.” This shifts the burden of proof entirely onto them while making you appear remarkably reasonable.
Should all else fail, blame the wind. The wind has an impeccable record of refusing interviews.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for family arguments, cancelled Christmas invitations, or eventually being blamed for absolutely everything yourself.
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