Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.
the sage
Dogs possess instincts far beyond human understanding. They can detect fear, kindness, hidden sausages, and apparently whether your postman deserves happiness. The Wise Sage therefore recommends outsourcing all major life decisions to the nearest canine.
Meeting someone for the first time? Don’t waste hours getting to know them. Simply introduce them to a dog and stand back. If the dog wags its tail, congratulations—you’ve found someone worth talking to. If it growls, barks, or quietly walks into another room, cancel the wedding, decline the business proposal, and return their Christmas present unopened.
The system also works in reverse. Should a dog take an immediate liking to somebody you already dislike, simply assume the dog has been temporarily distracted by the possibility of biscuits. Even the finest judge of character has the occasional off day.
For maximum accuracy, consult several dogs before making any important decision. Labradors are ideal for optimism, Border Collies excel at overthinking, and Chihuahuas should only be used when deciding who to declare war on.
Cats, by comparison, offer little practical guidance. They dislike everyone equally and would happily watch civilisation collapse, provided it didn’t interrupt their nap.
If a dog refuses to enter a particular house, don’t ask questions—just keep walking. Likewise, if every dog in the park suddenly decides to leave at the same time, it is probably wise to join them.
Finally, if your own dog starts barking at your reflection in the patio doors, don’t panic. It’s probably just protecting you from yourself… again.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for cancelled relationships, abandoned dinner parties, or discovering that your dog simply dislikes people wearing hats.
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