Never trust a dog to watch your food.
the sage
Dogs are many wonderful things. They are loyal, affectionate, endlessly forgiving and always delighted to see you. Unfortunately, they are also convinced that every meal within a twenty-foot radius has been prepared exclusively for them. The Wise Sage therefore advises against appointing one as guardian of your lunch.
Many people make the fatal mistake of saying, “Just watch this for a minute,” before leaving the room. The dog hears something entirely different: “Please ensure this food doesn’t become lonely while I’m gone.” By the time you return, all evidence has vanished except for a suspiciously clean plate and a dog wearing the unmistakable expression of someone who has absolutely no idea what happened.
Never be fooled by innocent eyes. Dogs have perfected the art of looking simultaneously guilty and adorable, a combination that has defeated humans for centuries. They will happily maintain eye contact while slowly moving towards your sandwich, convinced that if they approach at one centimetre per second, the theft somehow becomes invisible.
For maximum food security, remember the golden rule: if you wouldn’t hand it to the dog, don’t leave it within tongue’s reach. Kitchen worktops, coffee tables and picnic blankets are merely exciting obstacle courses. Even a sealed lunchbox is viewed not as a barrier, but as an intriguing puzzle waiting to be solved.
Some owners believe training can overcome this instinct. It cannot. A well-trained dog is simply one that waits until you’re looking the other way. The moment your attention drifts to answer the phone or put the kettle on, Operation Snack Hijack quietly begins.
If you genuinely need someone to guard your food, ask a tortoise. They may not be particularly alert, but at least they’ll still be there when you get back.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for missing sandwiches, mysteriously empty dinner plates, or discovering your dog has developed unexpectedly expensive tastes.
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