Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s wasteful waterfall of weathered walnuts ….

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nanna in the daycare center when I noticed a big sign.

‘Stroke Patients Here’

I never did get to visit my Nanna, thanks to hospital security.

A fish has been convicted of murder in America.

He’s now on Death Roe…

A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.

Because of the unusually high Mercury content.

I’m not very good at self-deprecation.

Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I bought a book titled “How To Scam People Online” about three months ago…

It still hasn’t arrived.

I know a farmer who claims to have the quietest sheep in the world baa none…

My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…

Bloody cheek!

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

I went to a fancy dress competition last night dressed as a giraffe…

I didn’t win but at least I can hold my head up high…

Pub landlord required…

Must have own pub.

Apply with inn.

I’ve been invited to a fancy dress party with a Tupperware theme…

I can hardly contain myself…

Woke up this morning and found I’d swallowed some feathers from my pillow.

My wife said I looked a bit down in the mouth…

I recently took a pole and 100% of the people in the tent were annoyed…

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting.

I replied people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, and I said that 3 other companies were after me.

Boss “Which ones?”

I said “The electric, gas, & water”

My girlfriend asked, “would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”

Turns out that “Yes I do” was not the right answer.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

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Quote of the Day: Excellence

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Aristotle

Aristotle (384–322 BC) was a Greek philosopher, scientist, and polymath who made significant contributions to various fields of knowledge, including philosophy, natural science, ethics, politics, and more. He was a student of Plato and later became the tutor to Alexander the Great. Aristotle’s ideas and writings have had a profound and lasting influence on Western thought and continue to be studied and debated to this day.

Some of Aristotle’s notable contributions include:

  1. Logic and Philosophy: Aristotle’s work in logic laid the groundwork for formal reasoning. He developed a system of categorizing and analyzing different types of arguments, known as syllogisms, which have been central to the study of logic and reasoning.
  2. Metaphysics: Aristotle explored questions about the nature of reality, existence, and the principles that underlie the universe. His work on metaphysics delved into concepts such as causation, substance, potentiality, and actuality.
  3. Natural Science: Aristotle made significant contributions to the fields of biology, zoology, and natural philosophy. His observations and classifications of animals, plants, and natural phenomena formed the basis for early scientific understanding in these areas.
  4. Ethics and Virtue: Aristotle’s ethical philosophy focused on the concept of eudaimonia, often translated as “happiness” or “flourishing.” He believed that the key to a good life was the cultivation of virtues and the pursuit of moral excellence.
  5. Politics: Aristotle’s political philosophy examined the best ways to structure societies and governments. He discussed various forms of government, including monarchy, aristocracy, and democracy, and offered insights into how these systems could be balanced for the well-being of the state and its citizens.
  6. Poetics: In his work “Poetics,” Aristotle analyzed the nature of tragedy and drama. He discussed the components of a well-constructed play and the role of emotions in art.

Aristotle’s ideas have had a lasting impact on Western philosophy and science, shaping the development of Western thought for centuries. His works were preserved and studied by scholars throughout history, and his influence can be seen in fields ranging from philosophy to biology to politics.

The quote “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit” is often attributed to the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle. This quote reflects Aristotle’s philosophy on the nature of excellence and virtuous living.

At its core, the quote suggests that our actions and behaviors define who we are as individuals. It emphasizes that our character and qualities are not determined by isolated actions or occasional acts of excellence, but rather by the consistent patterns of behavior that we engage in over time.

Aristotle believed that excellence, or what he referred to as virtue, is not simply an occasional act or a single achievement. Instead, it is a result of cultivating certain habits and consistently practicing virtues in our daily lives. Virtues are positive traits or qualities, such as courage, honesty, kindness, and wisdom. According to Aristotle, excellence is attained when these virtues become an inherent part of our character through continuous practice and repetition.

In other words, the quote underscores the idea that excellence is not the result of one exceptional moment or action, but rather the outcome of a lifestyle characterized by virtuous behavior. If we consistently engage in virtuous actions and strive for excellence in our everyday choices, these actions become habitual and shape our identity and character.

This concept can be applied to various aspects of life, whether it’s personal development, professional growth, or the pursuit of ethical behavior. By cultivating positive habits and consistently embodying virtues, we can strive for a higher level of excellence that becomes an integral part of who we are.

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This Day in History: August 9th

Here are ten interesting historical events that took place on August 9th:

  1. 48 BC: Roman general Julius Caesar decisively defeats the forces of Pompey at the Battle of Pharsalus, effectively ending the Roman Republic.
  2. 1173: Construction of the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy begins.
  3. 1854: Henry David Thoreau publishes “Walden,” a reflection on simple living in natural surroundings.
  4. 1936: Jesse Owens wins his fourth gold medal at the Berlin Olympics, triumphing in the 4x100m relay.
  5. 1945: The United States drops an atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan, leading to Japan’s surrender in World War II a few days later.
  6. 1965: Singapore becomes independent from Malaysia and gains its sovereignty.
  7. 1974: U.S. President Richard Nixon announces his resignation, becoming the first president to do so in American history.
  8. 1993: King Albert II is sworn in as the sixth monarch of Belgium following the abdication of his brother, King Baudouin.
  9. 1995: Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols are formally charged for their roles in the Oklahoma City bombing that took place on April 19th.
  10. 2014: Michael Brown, an unarmed African American teenager, is shot and killed by a police officer in Ferguson, Missouri, sparking widespread protests and discussions about racial inequality and police brutality.

Please note that historical events can be complex and have various interpretations, and the significance of an event may vary depending on cultural, regional, and personal perspectives.

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Joke of the Day: Friday’s fragile fragrance of fantastic fancifulness …

Went to a trendy restaurant and had a pelican curry.

Tasted ok, but the bill was enormous.

A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills.

I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…

Oh well, I guess things can only improve.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes

I’ve just seen a guy running down the road with a cape on…

I shouted, “Are you a Superhero?”

He replied “No!! I haven’t paid for my haircut !!…”

I went out drinking with the Beach Boys, it was alright until I asked whose round it was….

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said, “you can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait…”

“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”

“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”

My mates music collection is amazing!

Well except for a few CDs by this one awful pop act.

So I’m taking Steps to change it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We’ll see about that.

I changed my password to “incorrect”.

So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.

Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…

Bread is a lot like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I started my own all natural fertilizer company recently.

I guess that makes me an entremanure!

Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.

It’ll be Trial by Fire.

What sound does a witch’s car make?

Broom broom.

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

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Joke of the Day: Thursday’s trivial triumph of treacherous transgressions ….

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

My 4-year-old daughter just said to me:

“Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said on the internet? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest? It seems as though they require positive reinforcement from people on the internet they’ve never met.”

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”…

Good man, terrible geologist.

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town centre…

What’s a dyslexic wizard’s biggest problem?

They can’t spell.

I just got asked the time by a British Gas repair man.

So I told him it was between 8am and 1pm

Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!!

Not on my watch!

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary – those that do, and those that don’t.

There’s a little Barbie in all of us

Thanks to microplastics

I shouldn’t have hired Dwarves and Hobbits to run my Middle Earth restaurant.

I’m always short staffed.

I told my girlfriend she’d painted her eyebrows too high this morning.

I don’t know if she agreed but she seemed surprised.

My girlfriend told me that she used to be Christian.

“That’s not a problem,” I told her.

“Thanks, I’m much happier being a Christine now,” she replied.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and bluntly told her that it’s over between us.

That’s me, Ruthless.

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Quote of the Day: Wealth

“The greatest wealth is a poverty of desires”

Seneca

The quote “The greatest wealth is a poverty of desires” suggests that true richness or wealth comes not from accumulating material possessions or constantly seeking more, but rather from being content with what one has and having few material desires. In other words, it’s about finding happiness and fulfillment within oneself and one’s current circumstances, rather than constantly striving for more and more.

This perspective emphasizes the idea that constantly pursuing material wealth and possessions can lead to a never-ending cycle of wanting more, which can often result in dissatisfaction and a sense of emptiness. On the other hand, having a “poverty of desires” means being able to find contentment and happiness in simplicity, appreciating the present moment, and valuing non-material aspects of life such as relationships, experiences, and personal growth.

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This Day in History: August 3rd

Here are ten interesting events that took place on August 3rd throughout history:

  1. 1492: Christopher Columbus set sail from Spain on his first voyage to the Americas.
  2. 1852: Harvard University won the first Boat Race between Yale and Harvard, marking the beginning of a significant collegiate rivalry.
  3. 1923: Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States following the death of Warren G. Harding.
  4. 1949: The National Basketball Association (NBA) was founded in New York City.
  5. 1958: The nuclear-powered submarine USS Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater.
  6. 1984: The African country Upper Volta changed its name to Burkina Faso, which means “Land of Incorruptible People.”
  7. 2004: The pedestal of the Statue of Liberty in New York City was reopened to the public after being closed since the September 11 attacks in 2001.
  8. 2014: The deadliest outbreak of the Ebola virus in history was declared a global health emergency by the World Health Organization.
  9. 2016: The Summer Olympics officially began in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
  10. 2020: A massive explosion occurred in the port of Beirut, Lebanon, causing widespread damage and killing over 200 people.

These events cover a wide range of historical, cultural, and scientific significance, showcasing the diversity of events that have taken place on August 3rd over the years.

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Advice of the Day: Swimming

If You Swim with a Friend, Your Chances of Getting Eaten by a Shark Will Drop by 50%

The statement “If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%” is not accurate and should not be taken as a reliable piece of advice. While swimming with a friend might provide some level of safety and support in certain situations, it does not guarantee a 50% reduction in the risk of a shark attack.

Shark attacks are rare occurrences, and the factors that contribute to them are complex and not solely dependent on whether you’re swimming alone or with someone else. The presence of multiple people in the water might potentially make a shark less likely to approach, but this is not a proven statistic, and many other variables can influence the behavior of sharks.

If you’re concerned about safety while swimming in areas where sharks are present, it’s important to follow established guidelines and best practices for shark safety, such as avoiding swimming at dawn and dusk when sharks are more active, staying in groups, not wearing shiny jewelry, and heeding any local advisories or warnings. Always prioritize accurate and scientifically supported information when it comes to safety advice.

My best advice is to stick to swimming pools!

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Joke of the Day: Monday’s miraculous mansion of manky macaroons ….

I know a dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings.

He’s a boxer.

I saw a toddler with a tiny Edam strapped to his bike.

Must have been his baby bell.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

Just lost a court case to a fabric softener!

I fought Lenor, and Lenor won!

My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

He said, “Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too”.

I could see the problem…

Bat flattery.

I was showing my friend my new house.

“So this is my house,” I said.

He said, “What’s upstairs?”

I said, “Stairs don’t talk.”

A guy rushed past me at the post office to deliver 25 different letters.

He skipped the Q.

When I told my girlfriend I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.

Then I saw the grenade in her hand!

My girlfriend is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

I got my friend an elephant for his room.

He said thanks.

I said don’t mention it.

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn’t cover a driver.

So I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke and you get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

I took the rearview mirror out of my car and since then…

I’ve never looked back.

My wife and I watched ‘Barbie’ and ‘Oppenheimer’ back to back, luckily I was the one facing the screen…

What do you call group of fat babies?

Heavy infantry.

Today I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall and I thought to myself…

That’s a little condescending.

I read a book about World War II that was only four pages long.

It was Abridged Too Far.

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This Day in History: July 31st

Here are ten interesting events that took place on July 31st throughout history:

  1. 1498: Christopher Columbus lands on the island of Trinidad during his third voyage to the Americas.
  2. 1556: St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuit Order, dies in Rome at the age of 65.
  3. 1715: Seven Spanish treasure ships sink off the coast of Florida during a hurricane, resulting in the loss of a significant amount of gold and silver.
  4. 1790: The first U.S. patent is issued to Samuel Hopkins for a method of making potash, a crucial ingredient in fertilizer production.
  5. 1874: Dr. Patrick Francis Healy becomes the first African-American to earn a Ph.D. degree from a European university, graduating from the University of Leuven in Belgium.
  6. 1941: The Holocaust begins as the Nazis implement the systematic extermination of Jews in the Soviet Union with the first mass killing at the town of Białystok.
  7. 1964: Ranger 7, a U.S. space probe, transmits the first close-up images of the moon’s surface before crashing into the lunar surface.
  8. 1971: Apollo 15 astronauts David Scott and James Irwin became the first to drive a lunar rover on the moon’s surface.
  9. 2006: Fidel Castro temporarily hands over power to his brother Raúl Castro due to illness, marking the first time in 47 years that Fidel was not the leader of Cuba.
  10. 2012: Michael Phelps becomes the most decorated Olympian in history, winning his 19th Olympic medal at the London Summer Olympics.

These events cover a range of historical milestones, from significant exploration and space achievements to tragedies and important moments in civil rights and politics. Each of these events has left its mark on history and continues to be remembered for its significance.

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