Joke of the Day: Friday’s fortuitous fable of frankly fictional figures ….

I want to give up being a postman to become a comedian, but my delivery is awful.

Someone I know has got a job writing a new dictionary.

I’ve asked him to put a word in for me.

I got a new job as a chiropodist and found the first day really difficult.

I guess I was still finding my feet.

I lost my job at a fish bait company.

I opened a whole can of worms.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I gave up ploughing because I was stuck in a rut.

I quit my job at the coffee shop.

Couldn’t stand the daily grind.

I made a name for myself whilst working in the Deed Poll office.

Went for a job as a blacksmith.

Chap asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.

I said “No, but I’ve told a donkey to go away”.

A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest.

It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.

I had to give up my job at the dress alteration company.

Apparently, I didn’t turn up enough.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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This Day in History: August 31st

Here are 10 interesting historical events that took place on August 31st:

  1. 1888: Mary Ann Nichols becomes the first known victim of the infamous serial killer Jack the Ripper in London, England.
  2. 1895: German Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin patents his navigable balloon, leading to the development of the Zeppelin airship.
  3. 1939: World War II begins as Germany invades Poland, prompting Britain and France to declare war on Germany two days later.
  4. 1962: Trinidad and Tobago gain independence from the United Kingdom, becoming a sovereign nation.
  5. 1980: The Solidarity labor movement is founded in Gdańsk, Poland, marking a significant step in the struggle against communist rule.
  6. 1986: The Soviet passenger liner SS Admiral Nakhimov collides with a cargo ship in the Black Sea, resulting in one of the deadliest maritime disasters in history with over 400 casualties.
  7. 1991: Kyrgyzstan declares its independence from the Soviet Union, becoming an independent nation.
  8. 1997: Diana, Princess of Wales, along with her companion Dodi Fayed and their driver Henri Paul, are killed in a car crash in the Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris, France.
  9. 2006: Edvard Munch’s famous painting “The Scream” is stolen from the Munch Museum in Oslo, Norway. It is recovered two years later.
  10. 2012: The Mars rover Curiosity successfully lands on Mars, beginning its mission to explore the planet’s surface and search for signs of past or present life.

These events span a wide range of historical and cultural significance, showcasing the diversity of occurrences on August 31st throughout history.

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Advice of the Day: Home Security

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.


While the idea of moving everything into your bedroom at night and then moving it back in the morning might seem like a creative approach to preventing burglaries, it’s not a practical or effective solution. This approach has several significant drawbacks:

  1. Inconvenience: Moving all your belongings back and forth on a daily basis would be highly inconvenient and time-consuming. It would disrupt your daily routine and potentially lead to frustration.
  2. Limited Effectiveness: Burglars may still find ways to access your bedroom or take advantage of the situation. Additionally, they might observe this pattern and choose to strike when they know your belongings are outside your bedroom.
  3. False Sense of Security: Relying solely on this strategy could create a false sense of security. While it might deter some opportunistic burglars, determined criminals could still find ways to break in.
  4. Unsustainability: This practice is not sustainable in the long run. The effort and time required to move everything back and forth would likely lead to exhaustion and eventual abandonment of the strategy.

Instead of resorting to such impractical measures, here are some more effective steps to help prevent burglaries:

  1. Security Measures: Invest in solid locks, deadbolts, and secure windows for your home. Consider installing a security system with alarms and cameras.
  2. Outdoor Lighting: Adequate outdoor lighting can deter burglars by making it difficult for them to approach your property unnoticed.
  3. Neighbors and Community: Build relationships with your neighbors and participate in community watch programs. This can create a sense of vigilance and discourage criminals.
  4. Home Automation: Use smart home technology to simulate occupancy when you’re away by controlling lights, blinds, and electronics remotely.
  5. Hide Valuables: Keep valuable items out of sight from windows, so they are not easily visible to potential burglars.
  6. Landscaping: Trim bushes and shrubs near windows and entrances to eliminate potential hiding spots for burglars.
  7. Lock Doors and Windows: Always lock doors and windows when you leave the house, even if it’s just for a short time.
  8. Home Security Signs: Display signs indicating that your home is protected by a security system, even if you don’t have one. These signs can act as a deterrent.
  9. Social Media Caution: Avoid sharing travel plans or other information that could signal your absence on social media.
  10. Secure Valuables: Consider storing important documents, expensive jewelry, and other valuables in a secure home safe.

Remember that prevention is key, and a combination of practical security measures, community involvement, and common sense can go a long way in deterring burglars and ensuring the safety of your home and belongings.

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Quote of the Day: Ignorance

“Ignorance, the root and stem of all evil.”

Plato

Plato (c. 427–347 BCE) was an ancient Greek philosopher and one of the most influential figures in Western philosophy. He was a student of Socrates and the teacher of Aristotle. Plato’s contributions to philosophy covered a wide range of topics, including metaphysics, ethics, politics, epistemology, and aesthetics.

Plato’s ideas were often presented through dialogues, written in the form of conversations between his mentor Socrates and other characters. These dialogues explored various philosophical concepts and questions, often with Socrates leading the discussions.

Some of Plato’s most notable philosophical concepts include:

  1. Theory of Forms: Plato posited the existence of an eternal and unchanging realm of abstract forms or ideals that represent the true reality behind the imperfect physical world. According to this theory, everything in the physical world is a mere imperfect copy or reflection of these ideal forms.
  2. Allegory of the Cave: This allegory, found in Plato’s work “The Republic,” is a metaphorical representation of the journey from ignorance to enlightenment. It describes a group of people chained inside a cave, mistaking the shadows on the cave wall for reality, until one of them escapes and discovers the true world outside.
  3. Philosopher-King: In his work “The Republic,” Plato proposed an ideal state governed by philosopher-kings—enlightened individuals who possess wisdom and knowledge of the Forms. He believed that such rulers would be best equipped to lead a just and harmonious society.
  4. Tripartite Soul: Plato’s view of the human soul divided it into three parts: reason, spirit, and desire. He argued that achieving a well-balanced soul was essential for leading a virtuous and fulfilled life.
  5. Epistemology: Plato explored questions about knowledge and how we come to know things. He introduced the concept of “anamnesis,” suggesting that learning is actually a process of remembering knowledge that the soul already possesses from its preexistence in the realm of Forms.
  6. Ethics: Plato’s ethical philosophy was centered on the idea of achieving the highest good, which he identified with the harmonious development of the soul. He believed that virtue was essential for a well-lived life.
  7. Politics: Plato’s writings on politics, especially in “The Republic,” discussed the organization of an ideal state and the role of justice in society. He advocated for a class-based society led by philosopher-kings and emphasized the importance of specialization.

Plato’s works have had a profound and lasting influence on Western thought, shaping the development of philosophy, politics, and various other disciplines. His ideas continue to be studied and debated by philosophers and scholars to this day.

The quote “Ignorance, the root and stem of all evil” suggests that lack of knowledge and understanding is the fundamental cause or origin of all wrongdoing, harm, or negative actions in the world. In other words, the idea conveyed is that many problems, conflicts, and negative outcomes arise from a lack of awareness, understanding, or education.

This quote implies that if people were more informed, educated, and aware, they would be less likely to engage in harmful behaviors or make poor decisions. Ignorance can lead to misunderstandings, prejudices, and irrational actions, often resulting in negative consequences for individuals and society as a whole.

The sentiment behind this quote is often used to emphasize the importance of education, critical thinking, and seeking knowledge in order to prevent or address various social, ethical, and personal issues. It implies that by addressing ignorance and promoting education, individuals and communities can work towards creating a more just, informed, and ethical society.

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Joke of the Day: Thursday’s thoughtless thoroughfare of thankless thunderclaps …

I gave up my job as a taxi driver.

I kept driving my customers away.

I decided that being a shepherd wasn’t for me.

Every time I try to count my flock, I fall asleep.

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

I lost my job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.

I was always giving rave reviews.

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman.

With him, the glass was always half empty.

And I got sacked from his job at the Rich Tea factory.

They said I took the biscuit.

I just got sacked from my job at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

A friend of mine lost his job as a courier driver.

He just wasn’t delivering the goods.

Why can’t you play cards with a pirate?

Because they are standing on the deck….

How do you stop a bull from charging?

Take away his credit card.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting.

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My girlfriend asked, “would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”

Turns out “yes I do” was not the right answer.

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s timeworn turntable of terrible tunes …

What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy Dead People.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have some company.

I asked my kids if they liked my grandmother.

They said she’s a great grandmother.

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs?

Watts the difference?

What I if told you…

That you read the first line incorrectly?

Somebody called me pretentiousness the other day!

I nearly choked on my skinny latte with caramel and chocolate sprinkles.

Breaking News!!

Ne ws

One.

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

I went to a fancy dress party as a spider last night.

God knows what time I crawled in.

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stopped making photography puns…

I said “Snap out of it, don’t be so negative, let’s see how things develop!”

Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash…

I told her my name was “Heath.” She said her name was “Heather.”

I said, “This isn’t a competition.”

My friend’s Xbox got stolen.

He was so upset about it that he couldn’t be consoled.

My grief counselor died.

He was so good, I don’t even care.

Someone tried to explain binary to me.

I couldn’t understand a bit of it.

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Apprentice Nicknames

My friend Mike in Australia heard some hilarious breakfast radio last week.  In Australia, especially building sites, apprentice. workers often give each other nicknames.  Sometimes really cruel, but also funny.

Sensor Light – he only works when someone walks past.

Noodles – he reckons every job takes 2 minutes.

The Olympic flame – coz he never goes out.

The Sniper’s Nightmare– has one leg shorter than the other.

Keth because he had one eye missing.

Clock has a big hand and a small hand.

Wicket Keeper puts on the gloves and stands back.

Break pad– gets worn out easily and starts to squeal.

Grenade – he’s always the first to go off.

Deck chair – always folds under pressure

Lantern – not very bright and always has to be carried.

Blister – only appears after the hard work is done.

Daisy – some days he’s here, some days he’s not.

Seaweed – floats around all day and stinks.

G-spot – you can never find him.

Master Card – somebody who takes credit for other people’s work.

Feta – crumbles under pressure.

Hostage someone who’s always tied up and can’t help.

Platypus – protected species aka the boss’ son.

Pothole – is always in the road.

Pluto – far out and not very bright.

Broken arrow – doesn’t work and can’t be fired.

Two stroke – hard to get started and constantly smokes.

I hope you enjoyed these. If you like Mike’s humour he can be found having a pint in the Pig’s Arms (https://pigsarms.com.au/)

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This Day in History: August 29th

Here are 10 interesting historical events that took place on August 29th:

  • 1632: English philosopher John Locke is born.
  • 1728: The city of Nuuk in Greenland is founded.
  • 1741: The eruption of Oshima–Ōshima and the Kampo tsunami kill at least 2,000 people in Japan.
  • 1831: English physicist Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic induction.
  • 1862: The Second Battle of Bull Run is fought during the American Civil War.
  • 1914: Women join the British war effort.
  • 1949: The Soviet Union tests its first atomic bomb.
  • 1966: The Beatles perform their last commercial concert.
  • 1988: Abdul Mohmand becomes the first person from Afghanistan to go to space.
  • 2005: Hurricane Katrina makes landfall in New Orleans, causing widespread damage and loss of life.
  • 2018: The United States withdraws from the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty.

I hope you find these events interesting!

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s tram transit of tasty tarts …

Played football last night on a pitch surfaced with rubble and broken bricks.

We won 3-1 on aggregate.

A lorry has spilled its load of bricks over the road.

Police say queues are building.

I got some barbeque-flavoured crisps.

They taste of bricks and mesh.

How do you hire a horse?

Put a brick under each hoof.

Why do people normally only have a single egg for breakfast in France?

Because one egg is an oeuf.

Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night. Day.

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

My neighbour blamed my gravel for making him fall.

But it was his dumb asphalt.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.

No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

I own the world’s worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

Have you played the updated kids’ game?

I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games.

She said, “Wii.”

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this…

I will not rest until I find you.

If I had a pound for every girl that did not like me…

Girls would eventually like me.

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

Let me tell you a little about myself.

It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me’.

If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

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This Day in History: August 15th

Here are ten interesting historical events that took place on August 15th:

  1. 718: The Siege of Constantinople ends: The Byzantine Empire, under Emperor Leo III, successfully repels a massive Arab assault on the capital city of Constantinople, thereby preventing its capture.
  2. 1483: The Sistine Chapel is consecrated: Pope Sixtus IV consecrates the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City, named after him, and it becomes the official papal chapel.
  3. 1519: Panama City is founded: Spanish conquistador Pedro Arias Dávila establishes Panama City, the first European settlement on the Pacific coast of the Americas.
  4. 1914: The Panama Canal opens: The Panama Canal, connecting the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, officially opens to traffic, significantly shortening maritime trade routes.
  5. 1945: Japan surrenders: Emperor Hirohito announces Japan’s surrender in World War II, ending the conflict in the Pacific and bringing about the formal end of the war on September 2nd.
  6. 1947: India gains independence: After years of nonviolent resistance led by Mahatma Gandhi and other freedom fighters, India gains independence from British rule.
  7. 1965: The Beatles perform at Shea Stadium: The iconic British band The Beatles perform a record-breaking concert at Shea Stadium in New York City, marking a milestone in the history of pop music.
  8. 1971: Bahrain gains independence: The Kingdom of Bahrain gains independence from the United Kingdom and becomes a sovereign nation.
  9. 1998: Omagh bombing in Northern Ireland: A car bomb planted by the Real Irish Republican Army (RIRA) in the town of Omagh kills 29 people and injures more than 220, making it one of the deadliest attacks of the Northern Ireland Troubles.
  10. 2012: NASA’s Voyager 1 enters interstellar space: After more than 35 years of traveling through space, the Voyager 1 spacecraft becomes the first human-made object to enter interstellar space, beyond the influence of the Sun’s gravitational pull.

These events showcase the diversity of historical occurrences that have taken place on August 15th, spanning from ancient battles to modern achievements in space exploration.

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