Don’t waste time researching teams—simply support whichever one causes you the most emotional instability.
the sage
Choosing a football team is often treated as a lifelong commitment, rooted in geography, family tradition, or a vague understanding of the sport. The Wise Sage rejects this entirely. Instead, he recommends selecting a team using methods that ensure maximum confusion and long-term regret.
A strong starting point is kit selection. Choose the team whose colours clash most violently with your wardrobe. This guarantees you will never look comfortable, which is essential for authentic fandom. Bonus points if the away kit resembles a highlighter pen or something worn by road workers.
Alternatively, base your decision on a single, deeply unreliable moment. Perhaps you once saw a team win 4–0 on television in 2007. That is more than enough evidence. Commit fully. Ignore all subsequent results, especially if they contradict your initial optimism.
For a more immersive experience, select a team located as far away from you as possible. Ideally, this should require awkward kick-off times, expensive travel, and a complete lack of local support. Watching matches alone at odd hours enhances the sense that you have made a terrible, irreversible decision.
It is also important to develop fierce, immediate rivalries with teams you know nothing about. Upon choosing your club, pick a rival at random and dislike them intensely. Do not research why—certainty is more important than accuracy.
If your team begins to perform well, remain suspicious. Success is fleeting and should not be trusted. Conversely, if they perform badly, double down. This builds character and gives you something to complain about, which is the true essence of football support.
Finally, when asked why you support your chosen team, provide an answer so vague it raises further questions. “It just felt right at the time” is ideal. Avoid clarity at all costs.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for ruined weekends, strained friendships, or loudly celebrating goals that turn out to be offside.
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