Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley.

They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme…

I met my wife on Tinder.

That was awkward.

What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

I wanted to communicate with a Native American, but I didn’t know how.

Last week I bought an alarm clock made out of spuds.

It’s ok but it’s driving me mad now as the alarm keeps getting me up potato clock.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.

It was a bit of a frosty reception.

What did the police officer say to his belly?

You’re under a vest!!!

A man rushed into a Doctor’s surgery, shouting “help me please, I’m shrinking”.

The Doctor calmly said “now settle down a bit …. you’ll just have to learn to be a little patient”.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

I told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?

They break out in hives.

What’s the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.

The first and last letters are a mile apart.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.

I was so happy for the newlywebs.

I bought a book titled “How To Scam People Online” about three months ago…

It still hasn’t arrived.

I know a farmer who claims to have the quietest sheep in the world baa none…

My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…

Bloody cheek!

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

I went to a fancy dress competition last night dressed as a giraffe…

I didn’t win but at least I can hold my head up high…

Pub landlord required…

Must have own pub.

Apply with inn.

I’ve been invited to a fancy dress party with a Tupperware theme…

I can hardly contain myself…

Woke up this morning and found I’d swallowed some feathers from my pillow.

My wife said I looked a bit down in the mouth…

I recently took a pole and 100% of the people in the tent were annoyed…

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting.

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me.

Boss “which ones?”

I said “the electric, gas, & the water”

My girlfriend asked, “would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”

Turns out “yes I do” was not the right answer.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

How do you make a bear cross?

Nail two bears together.

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, but don’t worry, the glass ceiling lets in so much light.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those any more.

I know a mathematician who can’t afford lunch.

He’s binomial.

Purple is my favorite color!

I like it more than blue and red combined.

COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

To do is to be. (Descartes).

To be is to do. (Voltaire).

Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra).

I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head…

He was the custardy sergeant.

Fun Fact!

Jungle music was actually discovered in the jungle in 1843 by explorer Sir Phillip Drummond-Bass…

Years ago I went on a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.

It started with a quiche…

I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

I once got struck by lightning while sitting on the toilet!

That was a real shock to the cistern…

My Nan once gave me an abacus shaped like a castle for my birthday.

Well it’s the fort that counts…

I finally was able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes.

Let me tell you, it was no small feet.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminium Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys.

Aluminium Man just foils their plans.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

A kid asks his dad, “Do trees poop?”

The dad answers, “Where do you think number 2 pencils come from.”

Did you hear about the cop who fell and broke his radio?

He couldn’t get backup.

A burglar broke into our house last night.

I didn’t shoot him.

I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

My girlfriend said she would leave me because of my obsession with algebra.

Now she is my X.

My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.

I said, “On what grounds?”

What wears a fur coat in winter, and pants in summer?

A dog.

An old man sat down next to me on a park bench. “It’s nice out” I said to him.

“Yes. I think I’ll get mine out too.” he replies.

Alligators can grow up to 20 feet.

But most grow four.

Kim Kardashian says that bees frighten her.

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

My girlfriend said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

I like how at the end of Hollyoaks a voice says “If you’ve been affected by any issues in this program, please phone this number.”

So I phoned and I said “Hello… I can’t act either”.

If I had a pound for every time I had an existential crisis…

Would it even matter?

When a girl changes clothes in front of you, she is really into you.

Or she hasn’t spotted you in the cupboard yet.

I offered the old woman next door £5 for a go on her Stenna stair lift…

I thinks she’s going to take me up on it.

Acts of extreme bravery:

• Racing into a burning building.

• Tackling an armed robber.

• Ignoring a woman’s text messages.

Females are super simple, with them yes means yes, no means yes, no means no and no means maybe but maybe means yes, and maybe means no.

My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.

I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.

I started crying at the Ryan Air check in desk .. just been charged more for emotional baggage.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

My mate has got a new girlfriend called Peg.

He met her online.

My favourite name for a planet is Saturn.

It has a nice ring to it…

I recently took some new photographs of Will Smith and they’ve just been developed….

They are the fresh prints…

“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”

“A Fender ?”

“No, she loved it…”

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…

So I called her Bluff…

I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.

How could I stoop so low?

So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.

Well, I’ve got some news for her.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off

with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

There’s no future in time travel.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant puns about Africa.

Kenya believe that?

Ghana miss her if she goes…

I’m not happy with our new sandwich toaster, we should have stuck with the old one…

Oh well, better the Breville you know…

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.

Not all maths puns are bad.

Just sum

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

BREAKING NEWS!

Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.

Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…

My granddad always used to say; “As one door closes, another one opens…”

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

I applied for a job looking after the Australian marsupials at the zoo…

However I didn’t possess the necessary koalafications…

FUN FACT!

Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?

I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for £1000.

I thought that’s a bit steep…

I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup…

Imagine that!

You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee.

I’m thinking of giving my Shetland pony a Covid test…

His main symptom is that he’s a little hoarse.

Today I decided I won’t drink anymore…

I won’t drink any less either though.

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

Can anyone remember?

What was the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

My grandad always said “don’t believe everything you hear”

It was great advice…

Or was it?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the gas board had dug up the pavement again.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

I’ve started my new job as a settee salesman today..

Sofa so good.

My mate’s gf was dancing on a table

“Good legs”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes, most other tables would’ve collapsed under that weight.”

English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu.

She makes me want to shout…

My wife asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’

I said ‘slim to nun’

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker.

So now I’ve got this annoying Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go!

My wife bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour.

I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me.

I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt…

Someone stole all my next door neighbours grass last night.

He’s out there now looking forlorn…

A bike in town keeps running me over…

It’s a vicious cycle.

What is the best kind of oil to massage your enemies with?

Turmoil.

I used to hate my job standing on one corner of the room, blowing air at people.

Now I’m a big fan.

I saw an onion ring…

So I answered it.

I’ve just been diagnosed colour blind.

I know .. it’s certainly came out of the purple.

I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.

He didn’t care.

I keep saying ‘Welsh rabbit’ instead of ‘Welsh rarebit’

Think I’m suffering from mixing my toasties…

I was just looking at my ceiling.

Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.