Feeling offside from fun? Stuck in a penalty kick of boredom? Then slide tackle on over to this website, the ultimate pitch for soccer jokes! We’ve got a full box of hilarious content – knee-slapping puns about keepers and goals, offside jokes that will leave you laughing in the box, and maybe even a few dives into theatrical fouls (of humor, that is). Whether you’re a die-hard supporter singing from the stands or a new fan just learning the beautiful game, we’ve got jokes that will have you celebrating a hat trick of laughter. So, grab your metaphorical cleats (of wit), ditch the red card of seriousness, and prepare to be nutmeg-ed by a wave of hilarity!
Played football last night on a pitch surfaced with rubble and broken bricks.
We won 3-1 on aggregate.
My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.
I said, “On what grounds?”
Didn’t do well in my football teamwork exam.
I didn’t pass.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I like watching football matches when I’m at the hairdressers.
The coverage is the same but the highlights are better.
My dad was renowned for ‘thinking outside the box’.
Great guy… Terrible goalkeeper.
My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.
We found a match in Argentina.
The operation was a success.
Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.
What did the ref say to the chicken who tripped a defender?
“Fowl!”
What do you call someone who stands inside goalposts and stops the ball rolling away?
Annette.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
What is a goalkeeper’s favourite snack?
Beans on post.
Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket.
What is a ghost’s favourite football position?
Ghoulkeeper.
Why did the manager bring pencils and sketchbooks into the dressing room before the game?
He was hoping for a draw.
Who scored the most goals in the Greek Mythology League?
The centaur forward.
What did the manager do when the pitch became flooded?
He sent on his subs.
How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
They were the skipper.
And there’s more ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
If the number 666 is considered evil…
Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa.
It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He’s a catholic converter.
In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices….
Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden.
My parents treat me like a god…
They don’t believe in me.
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.
My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…
I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer later this morning…
It’s my first day, so they’ll just be showing me the ropes.
What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.
But I never had the chants.
I’ve just found a wallet with £20 in it. I wasn’t sure how to proceed, but then I thought, “What would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine.
I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water.
Eau my God.
I’ve just found out that I’m being kicked out of the druids!
So ungrateful, after all the sacrifices I made for them too…
And the Lord said unto John “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The first computer can be dated back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte, then everything crashed…
“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do takeaways.
An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded.
I think it was a jihadi long legs.
Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ was better than ‘white bread’..
They were Hovis witnesses.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
A bloke knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”.
I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness…
Took my car in for a service yesterday…
The vicar at the church was not impressed…
My wife asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’
I said ‘slim to nun’
FUN FACT!
Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?
Turned down a job emptying laundry baskets at the local monastery as I didn’t want to pick up any dirty habits.
Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.
How does the pope buy things on eBay?
He uses his papal account.
Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over & whispered: My bottom is going to sleep.
‘I know,’ replied the other, ‘I heard it snore three times.’
I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines… Prophets are going through the roof.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I used to enjoy dressing up as a nun occasionally, but now I can’t seem to get out of the habit…
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in hot oil.
I asked him “Are you the friar?”
He replied “No, I’m the chip monk…”
Praying mantises don’t all follow the same religion.
They’re in sects.
When Noah wanted to check how many bees he had, he had a look in the arc hives.
I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said,”I think I’m going to call it a day.”
I said to my mate “Do you believe in reincarnation?”
He asked “Come again?”
I said “Yep, that’s it…”
In the bible, Samson was a tough man but his father Samsonite was a real hard case….
And that’s not all …
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Here are ten historical events that took place on May 21st:
996: Pope Gregory V crowns his cousin Otto III as Holy Roman Emperor.
1502: Portuguese explorer João da Nova discovers the uninhabited island of Saint Helena in the South Atlantic Ocean.
1554: English Protestant martyr John Bradford is executed by burning at the stake during the Marian persecutions under Queen Mary I.
1856: Lawrence, Kansas, is captured and burned by pro-slavery forces during the Bleeding Kansas conflict.
1881: The American Red Cross is established by Clara Barton in Washington, D.C.
1927: Charles Lindbergh completes the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, flying from New York City to Paris in his aircraft, the Spirit of St. Louis.
1932: Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly solo nonstop across the Atlantic Ocean, flying from Newfoundland to Ireland.
1972: The island nation of Ceylon changes its name to Sri Lanka.
1991: Former Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi is assassinated by a suicide bomber associated with the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE) during an election campaign rally in Tamil Nadu.
2010: The 2010 Eurovision Song Contest is held in Oslo, Norway, with German singer Lena Meyer-Landrut winning the competition with her song “Satellite.”
These events span a wide range of historical periods and significance, showcasing the diversity of occurrences that have taken place on May 21st throughout history.
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Scroll, Laugh, Repeat: The Funniest Facebook Jokes You’ll Ever See Swipe into a world of social media mirth with our handpicked selection of Facebook jokes! From poking fun at status updates to clever quips about algorithm quirks and friend requests gone wrong, this collection celebrates the lighter side of the world’s favourite (and sometimes most frustrating) social network. Whether you’re a frequent poster or a passive scroll-stalker, these jokes are guaranteed to spark a smile and maybe even a share or two.
Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves.
Every time they put down a post, somebody takes a fence.
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.
I really don’t want to see puns about French eggs on Facebook anymore.
Un oeuf is un oeuf.
“The problem with quotes on Facebook is that you can never tell if they’re genuine” Socrates 399 BC
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…
It’s Mark Zuckerberg.
My Facebook password has been hacked again…
This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
On my tombstone I want it to say:”I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends”
If you see a post about how to prevent coughs and sneezes don’t click on it!!
It’s a virus.
I’ve started a Facebook page for chickens.
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I was going to Post about anti-climaxes, but in the end I didn’t.
Neil Armstrong makes it to the moon and takes 5 pictures.
Girls go to the bathroom and take 57!
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
People are sometimes curious enough to become Facebook friends for a clandestine look at someone else’s boredom.
WARNING: If you get a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends!
My mate Sid’s been a victim of ID theft.
He’s now called ‘S’
I changed my password to “incorrect”.
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
Got a message today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.
I asked my wife how she avoids click-bait…
Her answer may shock you!
I was going to say something on Facebook about soul singer Gladys Knight but one of her backing singers got there just before me…
I got pipped to the post.
Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.
I’m going to log off Facebook for a bit and then log on again but wearing a padded envelope.
I’ll be back in a jiffy.
Commented on Facebook earlier about a cold sore on my lip.
Now it’s gone viral.
I was in a hotel lobby today, and told the guy behind the desk that I was there for the Facebook conference.
He said “Follow me”…
A friend of mine keeps getting Posts offering him cans of chopped ham and pork.
I’ve told him that it’s just spam.
Got advice from a mystic about how to get more likes on Facebook.
What a great social medium.
I love crossing bridges, so I set up a Facebook page about it.
Now it’s been targeted by trolls.
And that’s not all …..
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Here are ten historical events that took place on May 20th:
1873: Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for blue jeans with copper rivets, marking the birth of the iconic Levi’s jeans.
1927: Charles Lindbergh takes off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, New York, on his solo transatlantic flight to Paris, becoming the first person to fly solo non-stop across the Atlantic Ocean.
1932: Amelia Earhart takes off from Newfoundland on her solo transatlantic flight, becoming the first woman to fly solo non-stop across the Atlantic.
1940: The first prisoners arrive at the Auschwitz concentration camp in Nazi-occupied Poland.
1983: The discovery of the HIV virus as the cause of AIDS is published in the journal Science by Luc Montagnier and his team at the Pasteur Institute in Paris.
1990: The Hubble Space Telescope captures its first images from space.
2002: East Timor officially becomes an independent nation, ending over two decades of Indonesian occupation.
2013: A tornado strikes Moore, Oklahoma, causing widespread devastation and resulting in 24 fatalities.
2019: The International Court of Justice orders Pakistan to review the death sentence of Indian national Kulbhushan Jadhav, who was convicted of espionage by a Pakistani military court.
2020: NASA and SpaceX successfully launch the Crew Dragon spacecraft carrying astronauts Douglas Hurley and Robert Behnken to the International Space Station, marking the first crewed orbital spaceflight launched from U.S. soil since the end of the Space Shuttle program in 2011.
These events span various areas of history, from politics and diplomacy to culture and technology.
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The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.
I said, “I can’t say I do.”
He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.
She had to.
We’ve only got one chair.
Meatloaf got married to an accountant.
She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…
I married my wife for her looks …
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.
I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.
So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.
I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.
When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.
At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next!
It’s so annoying!…
so.. I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
The wedding invite said: ‘The Sage +1’.
So I turned up an hour late.
Why did the melons plan a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe!
I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.
It was a bit of a frosty reception.
And that’s not all ….
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I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbour is dead against it.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He’s a catholic converter.
My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday this Bank Holiday weekend.
Ta Pauline.
I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet…
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.
I’ve offered my elderly neighbour £10 to have a go on her stair lift…
I think she’s going to take me up on it.
Someone stole all my next door neighbours grass last night.
He’s out there now looking forlorn…
The kid next door has an imaginary drum kit.
Can’t beat that!
My neighbours are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Sometimes I hide my wife’s inhaler…
The neighbours think I’m a stud when they hear her panting heavily “Give it to me!”
My neighbour keeps posting joss sticks through my letterbox!
I’m incensed!
Did my first nude painting this morning.
The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!
My neighbour blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt.
Got invited to the neighbours for pre-Christmas drinks with nibbles.
They really spoil that cat.
And that’s not all …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do.
And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.
Went to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night.
Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was mayhem.
I’m planning on taking The Manic Street Preachers for a tour of Norfolk market towns and all being well, rural areas north west of London…
If they tolerate Diss then the Chilterns will be next…
My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!
We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch…
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
I asked the children at school what they knew about the astronomer Galileo…
According to one lad….. ‘
He was just a poor boy from a poor family’..…
Just broke two of my dads old Queen records!
Now I want to break three.
I’ve just joined a new band, we’re called ‘Cat’s Eyes’…
We just play middle of the road stuff.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term, “One Hit Wonder”…came up with any other phrases.
I used to be in a band called ‘The Palindromes’.
Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.
I’ve been farting classic Mike Oldfield tunes all week.
Doctor said I have tubular bowels…
My wife just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.
I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time…”
People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest…
Once formed a band called the Sewing Machines..
Didn’t work out.. couldn’t get a Singer …
I’m putting back together my band called ‘Bubble Wrap’.
All we do is pop…
I wasn’t expecting the pizza delivery guy to turn up tonight wearing a Gloria Gaynor face mask!
At first I was afraid…
Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning…
Swede, carrots, lime…
I saw Sinead O’Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday. I asked her what kind of activity she’d seen…
She replied “It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays….”
My dad, my mum and myself have always had two obsessions; collecting fungi seeds and the Queen song ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.
I’m just a spore boy from a spore family…
I was once in a band called ‘The Radiators’, we were a warm up act.
When I was younger I got ‘Madness’ and ‘The Specials’ tattooed on my arm.
I wanted to get them removed but I think it will leave a ska.
I’ve taught my dog to bark along to ‘Sweet Caroline’.
He’s a bit of a ruff Diamond…
So I went for a walk and suddenly this guy jumps out in front of me with a snake, he was playing music and the snake started dancing.
I thought “Well, that’s charming!”
My mate failed his aboriginal music exam.
I asked him, “Did you redo it?”
Elton John has announced his decision to never again wear standard blue denim trousers…
Goodbye normal jeans…
Meatloaf got married to an accountant.
She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
Don’t use boomerangs as drumsticks, or there will be re-percussions!
My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…
I told him to calm down and not to fret.
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground…
We went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.
I’ve got an annoying habit of quoting Elton John lyrics.
I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t mind.
I once went for a job interview to be the 4th band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me…
People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now…
Just seen Elvis in B&Q.
Returned a sander.
When I was a single man, I had loads of free time.
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
If you suck at playing trumpet…
That’s probably why.
Black Eyed peas can sing us a song but chick peas can only hummus one.
I once spoke to Bill Withers to tell him ‘Ain’t no sunshine…’ was bad grammar.
He said ‘I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know….’
First rule of ‘Rick Astley Fight Club’;
You know the rules and so do I…
My wife asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.
I said maybe!
I’ve invented a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm.
Instead of just beeping it goes, Whooooooooooooooooooohhhoooooooooooa your house is on fire.
I buy all my classical music CDs through the mail and delivered in a padded envelope…
Bach in a jiffy.
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection…
‘All you need is love’ – Lennon/McCartney
‘Love is all you need’ – Yoda
I’ve just started the Adam Ant diet.
Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever…
I used to work in a book shop and I was asked for a copy of ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’.
The customer said; “Can you wrap it?”
I’ll give it a go sir… 🎶It was da best o’ times, it was da worst o’ times…🎶
I always keep my guitar in the car now.
It’s good for traffic jams.
I had pancakes at Meatloaf’s house once but they tasted really awful.
Like a batter out of hell…
I’m on my way to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan due to some damage caused by the strong winds…
Awning has broken.
I’ve just joined a brass band, I keep borrowing everybody else’s instruments though.
I’ve never been one to blow my own trumpet…
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
“I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once…”
“Singapore?”
“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”
I recently went to a seance hosted by Neil Diamond…
Hands, touching hands, reaching out…
I used to be a big Robbie Williams fan but that all changed when I started to study geometry and found that more interesting.
I’m loving angles instead…
I once bought an Elvis record at the market called ‘Wooden Leg’.
I said to the man ‘I thought it was called ‘Wooden Heart’?’
He said ‘Yes, but this is a pirate copy…’
I bet Rick Astley really struggles with lent…
I’ve written a song about getting my front door lock replaced.
There’s a lovely key change at the end…
I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves…
It was Mordor on the dancefloor…
I downloaded a playlist called “Latin MIX” which turned out to be 1,009 songs from Ancient Rome…
Jon Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruitarian diet.
He’s living on a pear…
I told my wife that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.
She said; “Whatever floats your boat”
I replied “No – that’s buoyancy”
Worried about someone trying to steal my xylophone.
I’ve taken percussions.
90s dance group D:Ream have recruited a new percussionist to play the triangle for them.
Tings can only get better…
Interviewer: “What do you consider one of your best strengths?”
Me: “I can perform under pressure.”
Interviewer: “That’s fantastic! Can you give me an example?”
Me: “Sure.(clears throat..).. mm ba ba deUm bum ba deUm bu bu bum da dePrrressure pushing down on me..”
My friend Joe recently went on the ‘Dolly Parton diet.’
It really made Joe lean…
Last year Sir Paul McCartney was disqualified from The London Marathon.
He was banned on the run…
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…
He has a history of violins…
I started composing a song for Spandau Ballet, but then I found it hard to write the next line.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.
“Shall we go for a coffee ?”
“Yes, sounds good!”
“Ok then, Starbucks ?”
“No”
“Costa ?”
“No!!!”
… I think she was holding out for a Nero..
Legend has it that Fred Astaire opened the oven door once and his treacle sponge exploded…
He had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails…
Just seen a bloke who looked like Sting in the red light district in Amsterdam…
He was getting a massage in a brothel.
I used to be a DJ at Stonehenge and Avebury but I no longer mix in those circles…
No-one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…
I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…
I’ve been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal..
Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?
You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation.
For her birthday my wife wanted tickets for a cruise to Denmark to see The Temptations…
But instead I drove to Primark to get her four tops.
For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.
Drum roll please.
I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.
She said “you’re not the only one”.
I would like to put on record my appreciation for those who who play the triangle in orchestras.
Thanks for every ting.
Went to an ABBA theme pub last night.
The toilets were amazing…
What a loo!
At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away.
A whim away. A whim away.…
The kid next door has an imaginary drum kit.
Can’t beat that!
One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.
She keeps trying to make me rave with her!
She won’t techno for an answer.
I was watching the ‘Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra’ last night and halfway through the bloke on the triangle disappeared…
My neighbours are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Elton John’s E-reader device has been blown away by a tropical storm.
Like a Kindle in the wind.
Bono phoned me the other day to invite me out for dinner in London.
He said ‘I fancy Chinese, where do you recommend ?’
I replied ‘Chinatown is good, it’s where the streets have chow mein…’
A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.
The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’
My wife said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!
I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.
I’ve been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo…
I won’t get fuelled again.
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.
It’s a little fit bunny.
My wife has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.
At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.
Then I saw her face…
I hate it when I’m singing to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong!
I think I’ve been making Motown puns for about three years, four tops…
Here’s a picture of me with REM.
That’s me in the corner.
If you play an Ed Sheeran song backwards you’ll hear a message from Satan.
Worse still, if you play it forwards you’ll hear Ed Sheeran.
I’m fed up with my mates, three times now they’ve agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me & then not showed up.
Here I go again on my own!
I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician.
He keeps slamming The Doors.
Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut…
The sign said; “Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”
The band 10cc have booked a vacation touring around Scottish lakes, however they are not looking forward to it…
They dread loch holidays.
What do you call a dead musician?
A decomposer.
I just read that Rod Stewart has five drinks of tea a day, all of varying sizes.
The first cup is the deepest…
My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…
She makes me want to shout…
I’ve just opened an ‘Elvis Presley themed’ steak house.
It’s aimed at people who love meat tender…
I’m doing an online DJ set for a Devon & Cornwall radio station playing 60’s and 70’s hits.
I can’t decide whether to play The Jam or Cream first though…
Remember the singer Yazz?
She now works as an elevator attendant.
She’s not very good at it…
One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…
Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.
The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…
After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist;
“My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”
She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.
I recently attended a concert in Hawaii to celebrate the career of the woman who sang
“Shout!”. I went to honour Lulu…
Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?
Because he’s a rocket man!
Any guy who plays heavy metal at work…
Is office rocker.
Frank Sinatra was once asked if he ever kept herons as pets…
“Egrets? I’ve had a few…” he replied.
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven’t got a lead.
I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup…
Imagine that!
“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…”
To do is to be. (Descartes).
To be is to do. (Voltaire).
Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra).
Fun Fact!
Jungle music was actually discovered in the jungle in 1843 by explorer Sir Phillip Drummond-Bass…
Years ago I went on a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.
It started with a quiche…
During his time in the army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with no one else about…
He was a buff alone soldier.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you’ll get a “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis.”
Paul McCartney wrote a book in the 60s about Indian yoghurt based dips.
Paperback raita.
I used to be in an 80s band called ‘The Prevention’.
We were better than The Cure.
I asked Sinead O’Connor which evergreen conifer tree she would recommend.
She said nothing compares to yew…
I have to confess, I really enjoy my terrible habit for making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’…
It truly is my ideal vice…
Just sold my John Lennon merchandise collection on eBay…
lmagine all the PayPal…
If I had to rate 60s pop artists on a scale of 1 to 10,
I’d give Dave Clark five…
What do you call a Welsh singer who never gets lost?
Tomtom Jones.
We’ve got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night…
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
Elton John wanted to send his friends an invite to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn’t find the right phrase…
Soiree seems to be the hardest word.
Shania Twain has been boasting online about her new Subaru.
That don’t Impreza me much…
People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.
I need to get insurance for my 1970’s disco record collection…
I’m taking out an Earth, Wind and Fire and Theft policy…
Stallone: I’m making a movie about classical composers. I’ll be Chopin.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’ve just joined a new band, we’re called ‘Cat’s Eyes’…
We just play middle of the road stuff.
I’ve got a job organising opera singers within my local region…
I’m the aria manager.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to dis a Brie ?
How much does a grand piano cost?
£1,000.01
I would like to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ music exam.
Well done our Monica.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’.
You probably saw our posters.
I had a vinyl album called “Wasp Noises”, but when I played the first track it didn’t sound like a wasp and the second track didn’t sound like a wasp either…
Then I realised I was playing the B side…
I was in a band once called Teenager’s Bed.
Never made it.
Now we are into November, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.
Is this the winter of my disco tent?
‘I used to play a musical instrument on cruise ships’.
‘Piano ?’
‘No, Cunard’…
We went for a Chinese meal last night but I ordered from the specials board and got too much foo yung…
I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!
I’ve got his back for good!
I was going to say something on Twitter about soul singer Gladys Knight but one of her backing singers got there just before me…
I got pipped to the post.
Everyone was entertained when Lionel Ritchie took his performing cat to Sea World.
What a feline, dancing on the sea lion…
I’m a really big fan of the Bee Gees and I also like cooking Chinese food.
You can tell by the way I use my wok…
I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…
Oh well, I guess things can only improve.
I went to a ‘Dire Straits themed cafe’ yesterday, the menu was confusing – they wanted money for muffins but the chips were free…
I was walking past a pet shop.
A sign on the shop front said ; ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’
I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant…
‘How Dutch is that moggie in the window?’
Sting has launched an aromatherapy range.
It’s a massage in a bottle.
A friend passed his degree in sound engineering.
He got a 1-2-1-2.
I lost my job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.
I was always giving rave reviews.
And for our next band, would you please welcome the bailiffs.
Take it away boys.
Phil Oakey was the lead singer of 80s pop band The Human League, but no one ever mentions his sister, Carrie, the inventor of singing badly in pubs…
My wife has insisted that I cease making puns about classic Motown hits or she will leave me.
I agreed to stop, in the name of love.
And that’s not all …..
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Dispose of old strip lighting tubes by inserting into dead snakes.
This advice is not appropriate or ethical. It’s important to dispose of hazardous materials like old strip lighting tubes safely and responsibly, following local regulations and guidelines. Using dead snakes for disposal is both disrespectful to animals and potentially harmful to the environment. It’s best to explore proper disposal methods such as recycling programs or hazardous waste facilities.
So instead create a modern art installation titled “Tubelight Serpentarium” and display the tubes along with rubber snakes in an abstract arrangement. Then start a quirky gardening trend by burying the tubes vertically in the soil around your plants, labeling them as “Glowing Worm Holes” to attract curious onlookers.
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Here are ten historical events that took place on May 10th:
1775: The Second Continental Congress convenes in Philadelphia, marking the start of the American Revolutionary War.
1869: The First Transcontinental Railroad is completed with the “Golden Spike” ceremony at Promontory Summit, Utah, connecting the Central Pacific and Union Pacific railroads.
1872: Victoria Woodhull becomes the first woman nominated for President of the United States by the Equal Rights Party.
1940: Winston Churchill becomes Prime Minister of the United Kingdom following the resignation of Neville Chamberlain during World War II.
1994: Nelson Mandela is inaugurated as South Africa’s first black president, ending apartheid and marking the beginning of a new era for the country.
1994: The Channel Tunnel (Eurotunnel) officially opens, connecting the United Kingdom and France by rail under the English Channel.
2008: The 2008 Sichuan earthquake strikes China, killing over 69,000 people and leaving millions homeless.
2010: Eurovision Song Contest 2010 concludes with Germany’s Lena Meyer-Landrut winning with the song “Satellite.”
2016: The Paris Agreement, a landmark international treaty on climate change, is signed by representatives of 196 countries at the United Nations Headquarters in New York City.
2018: President Donald Trump announces the United States’ withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal, officially known as the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA).
These events span various areas of history, from politics and diplomacy to culture and technology.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
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