Joke of the Day: Monday’s menagerie of misquotes …

Is it possible to keep tropical ferns in an unheated greenhouse?

Asking for a frond.

I made a pair of gloves from an old Barrister’s robes…

Now I’ve got a law-suit on my hands!

My dad’s sister works in a Paris bakery and hates it.

She’s a cross aunt…

I know an awful lot about bus timetables.

I’ve led a sheltered life.

What do you call fake potatoes?

Imitaters.

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting around doing nothing.

“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…

If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

Working out is like a drug to me.

I don’t do drugs.

I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.

I won’t rest till I find it.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide?

The I. C. U.

I went to the beekeeper to buy some bees.

All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie.

I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notifications that there’s a new version of itself.

I noticed on the bookies window yesterday it said ‘Open on a Sunday 11-2’.

I’ll have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday.

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

I tried a bit of finger painting yesterday.

Wish I hadn’t bothered, it took me 8 hours just to do the skirting boards.

Who’s in charge of the hankies?

The handkerchief.

I just got my girlfriend a new bag and a new belt for her birthday.

She’ll be made up!

The vacuum cleaner’s as good as new.

What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?

Bernadette.

I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.

Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full.

Come on, how can you turn that down?

I was taking the motorway out of London.

A policeman pulled me over and said: ‘Put it back’

Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?

Because he’s a rocket man!

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…

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Quote of the Day: Choices and Thoughts

“Day by day, what you choose, what you think and what you do is who you become.”

Heraclitus

Heraclitus was an ancient Greek philosopher who lived around 500 BCE in Ephesus, a city in present-day Turkey. He is often referred to as Heraclitus of Ephesus. Heraclitus is best known for his ideas on the nature of reality and the constant change that he believed to be inherent in the universe.

Heraclitus emphasized the concept of flux and impermanence, famously stating, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” He proposed that everything is in a state of perpetual change, and that change is the fundamental principle of existence.

Heraclitus also explored the idea of the Logos, a divine reason or intelligence that governs the universe. He believed that Logos was the organizing principle behind the ever-changing world, providing coherence and order.

His philosophical views often dealt with opposites and the interplay between them, such as the interconnection of day and night, life and death, and order and chaos. He famously said, “The way up and the way down are one and the same.”

Heraclitus’s ideas had a significant influence on later philosophers, including the Stoics and Existentialists. While much of his work is only known through fragments and quotations, his philosophical insights continue to be studied and discussed today.

The quote “Day by day, what you choose, what you think and what you do is who you become” suggests that our daily choices, thoughts, and actions shape our character and determine the person we ultimately become.

It emphasizes the idea that our lives are not defined by a single grand moment or event, but rather by the cumulative impact of our daily decisions and behaviors. Each day presents us with opportunities to make choices, think certain thoughts, and engage in specific actions, and these choices shape our habits, beliefs, and ultimately our character.

The quote implies that our personal growth and development are ongoing processes that occur gradually over time. It emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, mindfulness, and intentional living. By being mindful of our choices, thoughts, and actions on a daily basis, we can align them with our values and aspirations, thereby shaping ourselves into the person we want to become.

In essence, the quote reminds us that our identity and character are not fixed or predetermined, but are continuously evolving based on our daily choices and actions. It empowers us to take responsibility for our lives and encourages us to strive for positive growth and personal development.

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Advice of the Day: Pretty Face

If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

The quote essentially suggests that if someone is going to be deceitful or dishonest, they should at least try to make one of their faces or personas attractive or appealing. This implies that it is acceptable or even desirable to engage in duplicitous behavior as long as it is presented in an aesthetically pleasing manner.

From an ethical standpoint, honesty, integrity, and consistency are generally valued traits. Promoting the idea of being two-faced or deceitful conflicts with these principles. Trust and genuine relationships are built on authenticity, transparency, and sincerity.

Encouraging deceptive behavior, even in a lighthearted manner, can have negative consequences on personal relationships, professional integrity, and societal trust. It is important to prioritize honesty and ethical conduct rather than promoting duplicity or manipulation.

Therefore, while the quote may have a humorous or witty tone, it is not considered good advice from an ethical standpoint.

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This Day in History: June 24th

Here are ten interesting events that took place on June 24th throughout history:

  1. 1509: Henry VIII is crowned King of England.
  2. 1717: The Premier Grand Lodge of England, considered the first Masonic Grand Lodge, is founded in London.
  3. 1812: Napoleon Bonaparte’s Grande Armée crosses the Neman River, beginning the ill-fated invasion of Russia.
  4. 1901: The first exhibition of Pablo Picasso’s artwork takes place in Paris.
  5. 1947: Kenneth Arnold makes the first widely reported UFO sighting, sparking the modern UFO phenomenon.
  6. 1948: The Soviet Union begins the Berlin Blockade, isolating West Berlin and setting the stage for the Berlin Airlift.
  7. 1975: The film “Jaws,” directed by Steven Spielberg, is released, eventually becoming a blockbuster and a cultural phenomenon.
  8. 1983: The space shuttle Challenger is launched on its second mission, STS-7, with the first American woman, Sally Ride, aboard.
  9. 2004: The asteroid 2004 XP14 passes within approximately 432,000 kilometers (268,000 miles) of Earth, closer than any known object of its size.
  10. 2010: John Isner and Nicolas Mahut finish their epic tennis match at Wimbledon, lasting over three days and setting numerous records, including the longest match in tennis history.

These events span various fields and have left a mark on history, be it in politics, art, science, or popular culture.

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Joke of the Day: Monday’s medley of mockeries

Halfway through my Indian meal the waiter came up to me and asked;

“Curry OK?”

I said, “Maybe, what songs do you have?”

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it’s fully groan…

My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”

Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…

My wife said “You remind me of a pepper pot”,

I said, “I’ll take that as a condiment”.

I’m not saying it’s rough where I live..

But they are selling Father’s Day cards in packs of five!

My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

I often drive around selling pies from my Ford Focus whilst talking in a medieval English style…

Fruit ones for £2, cottage for £2.50 and steak for £3.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in…

My wife left me because of my constant puns about star signs…

It finally Taurus apart…

“I’d like to buy a pair of tights for my wife?”

“Sheer?”

“No she’s at home…”

My favourite word is “Drool”.

It sort of rolls off the tongue.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here for 274 years and have not noticed anything strange.

“My wife went to a bad concert in South East Asia!”

“Singapore?”

“Terrible, and so were the rest of the band!”

My boss accused me of never taking him seriously.

“I don’t agree with that,” I told him.

He said, “Can I see you in my office?”

I said, “Depends if the lights are on.”

I’m looking to buy an old lighthouse.

Nothing flashy.

I said to my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

“Winnie The Pooh’s gone to the Caribbean.”

“Antigua?”

“No, I think he went with Piglet.”

What do you call a chicken in your family that is not related to you?

Stephen.

My wife made a list of the ten reasons she wants a divorce.

1. I don’t seem to care.
2. I’m not a good listener.
3. Etc.

I often go to fancy dress parties dressed as a shark.

Quite honestly, the novelty is wearing a little fin.

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Quote of the Day: Good Actions

“Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.”

Plato

Plato was an ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician who lived from approximately 428/427 BCE to 348/347 BCE. He was a student of another renowned philosopher, Socrates, and went on to become the teacher of Aristotle, who in turn became the tutor of Alexander the Great.

Plato is widely regarded as one of the most influential figures in the development of Western philosophy. His philosophical ideas and writings explored a broad range of topics, including metaphysics, ethics, politics, epistemology, and the nature of reality. He founded the Academy in Athens, which was one of the earliest known organized institutions of higher education in the Western world.

Plato’s philosophy often involved the use of dialogues or conversations to convey his ideas. His most famous work is “The Republic,” a comprehensive exploration of justice, the ideal state, and the nature of the philosopher-king. In this work, he introduced the famous allegory of the cave, which explores the concept of knowledge and the distinction between appearance and reality.

Plato’s philosophical ideas had a lasting impact on subsequent generations and continue to be studied and debated today. Some of his key concepts include the theory of Forms or Ideas, the immortality of the soul, and the pursuit of knowledge as a path to virtue and wisdom.

Plato’s contributions to philosophy, mathematics, and political theory have earned him a prominent place in intellectual history, making him one of the most influential thinkers of all time.

The quote “Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others” suggests that engaging in virtuous and positive behaviors not only benefits the individual but also has a ripple effect, influencing and motivating others to do the same.

At its core, the quote highlights the interconnectedness of human actions and the potential for goodness to spread. When individuals engage in acts of kindness, generosity, compassion, or any other positive action, it not only enhances their own character and well-being but also serves as an inspiration to those around them.

By setting an example through good actions, individuals can inspire others to follow suit and create a chain reaction of positive change. This can create a supportive and uplifting environment that fosters personal growth, collective well-being, and a sense of community.

Furthermore, the quote implies that engaging in good actions builds inner strength and character. When individuals consistently choose to do what is right, they cultivate a sense of integrity, resilience, and moral fortitude. This inner strength enables them to navigate life’s challenges with grace and inspires others to do the same.

In summary, the quote emphasizes the transformative power of good actions. Not only do such actions positively impact the individual undertaking them, but they also have the potential to inspire and uplift others, fostering a cycle of virtuous behavior and creating a better world.

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Advice of the Day: Size and Appearance

Never trust a skinny chef or a bald barber.

The sayings “Never trust a skinny chef” and “Never trust a bald barber” are common expressions often used in a lighthearted or humorous context. However, it’s important to note that these sayings are merely playful stereotypes and should not be taken literally or as definitive truths. Trusting or not trusting someone should be based on their skills, expertise, and professionalism rather than their physical appearance.

Here’s a breakdown of these sayings:

  1. “Never trust a skinny chef”: The phrase suggests that a chef who is slim may not be good at their job since they seemingly don’t indulge in their own cooking. However, a chef’s culinary skills should be evaluated based on their training, experience, creativity, and the quality of their dishes, rather than their physical appearance.
  2. “Never trust a bald barber”: This saying implies that a barber without hair may not be skilled at cutting or styling hair. However, a person’s ability to cut hair well is not dependent on their own hair status. It’s important to judge a barber based on their training, experience, reputation, and the satisfaction of their clients rather than their own hairstyle.

In both cases, it’s crucial to avoid making sweeping generalizations or assumptions about individuals based on physical attributes. Professional competence and personal skills should be the primary factors to consider when assessing someone’s abilities and deciding whether or not to trust them.

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This Day in History: June 19th

Here are ten interesting events that took place on June 19th throughout history:

  1. 325: The original Nicene Creed, a foundational statement of Christian belief, is adopted at the First Council of Nicaea.
  2. 1846: The first officially recorded baseball game takes place in Hoboken, New Jersey, United States.
  3. 1865: Union General Gordon Granger arrives in Galveston, Texas, and announces the end of slavery, leading to the celebration of Juneteenth.
  4. 1910: The first Father’s Day is celebrated in Spokane, Washington, United States.
  5. 1944: The Battle of the Philippine Sea, one of the largest naval battles in history, takes place during World War II between the United States and Japan.
  6. 1953: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, accused of being Soviet spies, are executed in the United States.
  7. 1978: Garfield, the popular comic strip created by Jim Davis, makes its debut.
  8. 1987: Basque separatist group ETA detonates a bomb at a supermarket in Barcelona, Spain, resulting in the death of 21 people and injuring dozens more.
  9. 2009: Iceland’s national football team defeats the Netherlands 2-1 in a major upset during a FIFA World Cup qualifying match.
  10. 2012: WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange seeks asylum at the Embassy of Ecuador in London, United Kingdom.

These are just a few notable events that occurred on June 19th throughout history.

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Joke of the Day: Thursday’s torrent of testaments ….

Went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen.

Think it was a zoom meat tin.

I trained some fish to escape.

A koi, B koi and C koi all got away because everyone chased the D koi.

Was out cycling and someone told me that one of my mud flaps had fallen off.

I said I’d carry on rear guardless.

Disappointed that the bank turned down a mortgage on a building for my Desserts by Drone business.

They said it was just pie in the sky.

Applied for a job extracting coal but they said I didn’t have the right experience.

Never mined.

There isn’t any ‘cool way’ to carry a dog poo bag is there?!

Two sheep walk into a baaaaaaa

My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket.

It’s really hit me for 6.

If everyone in the UK painted their car pink…

We would be a pink carnation.

The other day my pet pig slipped and broke his leg…

I had to call him a hambulance.

A Dulux paint advert came on the TV last night and I had to switch it off as it was making feel too emulsional…

I bought my wife a balsa wood submarine for the bath.

It didn’t go down very well.

I was once in a band called ‘The Radiators’, we were a warm up act.

Then I joined ‘The Duvets’, we mainly did covers.

After that, I was in an outfit called ‘Cats Eyes’, mostly middle of the road stuff.

Now I’m in a group called ‘Missing Cat’, you may have seen our posters…

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

One in four frogs is a leap frog.

I’ve been teaching hobbits how to play cricket.

Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper?

She said they were old school and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

A man goes to the doctors.

The doctor says, ‘Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.’

Man says, ‘Why?‘

The doctor says, ‘I don’t like my neighbours’

My wife says I make too many graphs, but I know where to draw the line…

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Advice of the Day: Bookmarks

Do you love reading but can’t find your bookmark? Why not use ketchup instead?

No, using ketchup as a bookmark is not good advice. While it may seem like a creative or humorous idea, it is not a practical or effective solution for marking your place in a book. There are a few reasons why this advice is not recommended:

  1. Messiness: Ketchup is a liquid condiment that can easily smear or leak onto the pages of a book, potentially causing damage to the paper or leaving unsightly stains.
  2. Odor: Ketchup has a distinct smell that may transfer to the pages of the book. This could be unpleasant and may linger even after the ketchup is removed.
  3. Stickiness: Ketchup is sticky and may leave residue behind, making the pages stick together or attract dirt and debris.
  4. Durability: Ketchup is not designed for use as a bookmark and does not provide the functionality of a proper bookmark, such as keeping your place securely or easily sliding in and out of the book.

It is generally recommended to use designated bookmarks, which can be easily inserted between pages and are specifically designed to be safe for books. Alternatively, you can use other common items like paperclips, Post-it notes, or ribbon scraps as makeshift bookmarks. These options are more practical, convenient, and less likely to cause damage to your books.

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