Joke of the Day: Saturday’s sonic salvo of substandard sentences

When Noah wanted to check how many bees he had, he had a look in the arc hives.

What was the Soviet Union’s most secretive insect?

The Cagey Bee.

I love being covered in snot and honey.

It’s the bees’ sneeze.

I saw a bee fly right into a bell.

I thought, “That’s a real humdinger”

Met a girl in the pub once who said she’d show me a good time…

Got outside, and she ran 100m in 10.49 seconds….

I’m trying to organise a cricket match for a team of soul singers…

I haven’t got any batsmen or bowlers yet, but I think that Curtis Mayfield…

I’ve just bought a new bicycle but it came without accessories, if you see any, can you give me a bell ?

Did you know that AA Milne, the creator of Winnie the Pooh, had a smaller brother called AAA Milne…

A friend asked me to re-turf a field so that they could carry out a civil war re-enactment…

I thought “sod that for a game of soldiers !”

I was very happy to discover that when Hannibal retired from The A-Team, he went back to his family’s pipe-fitting business in Scotland…

I love it when a clan plumbs together.

I just read that Rod Stewart has five drinks of tea a day, all of varying sizes.

The first cup is the deepest…

I wish vets wouldn’t use complicated phrases such as ‘fertility neutralised female cat’.

Why don’t they just call a spayed a spayed?

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Today I was given a box of Jamaican hair extensions….

It was dreadful.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s tired tree trunk of tasteless truffles ….

If you have a wombat and a womble, you have everything you need to play wom.

How does Dracula find his way around Transylvania?

He uses Bat Nav.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics.

It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself…

I should really get a dog.

If you can’t hear a pin drop, there’s something wrong with your bowling.

Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police haven’t got a lead.

I told my mate I was going to open a shop in Saudi Arabia.

“Dubai?” he asked.

“Yes” I replied “and sell.”

I told my Mum that I was going to get a map of Italy tattooed on my chest.

She said, “You’ll have sore Naples, don’t be Sicily.”

Interviewer “Describe yourself in three words”.

Me “lazy”

I’ve just bought 8 venison legs for £30.

Does anyone think that’s two deer?

Everybody is saying stealing is wrong.

Personally, I don’t buy it.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.

I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life as a professional trophy maker.

It’s a rewarding career.

Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

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This Day in History: July 25th

Here are 10 interesting events that took place on July 25th throughout history:

  1. 306 AD: Constantine I was proclaimed Roman emperor by his troops, marking the beginning of his reign as the first Christian Roman emperor.
  2. 1593: France’s King Henry IV converted from Protestantism to Catholicism to secure his position on the throne and end the Wars of Religion.
  3. 1797: The world’s first ship designed to be used as a floating hospital, the French vessel “L’Hôpital Général,” was launched.
  4. 1814: American forces led by General Jacob Brown defeated British forces at the Battle of Lundy’s Lane during the War of 1812.
  5. 1853: The opening of the first major railroad in India, the Great Indian Peninsula Railway, connecting Bombay (now Mumbai) and Thane.
  6. 1909: French aviator Louis Blériot made the first successful flight across the English Channel in a powered aircraft, traveling from Calais, France, to Dover, England.
  7. 1946: The United States conducted its first underwater test of an atomic bomb, code-named “Baker,” as part of Operation Crossroads at Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.
  8. 1956: The Italian liner SS Andrea Doria sank off the coast of Massachusetts after colliding with the MS Stockholm, resulting in one of the deadliest maritime accidents in U.S. waters.
  9. 1978: Louise Brown, the world’s first baby born through in vitro fertilization (IVF), was born in Oldham, England, revolutionizing fertility treatments.
  10. 2000: Air France Flight 4590, a Concorde supersonic jet, crashed shortly after takeoff from Paris, resulting in the deaths of 113 people and leading to the eventual grounding of Concorde flights.

These events span various areas of history, including politics, military conflicts, transportation, aviation, medical advancements, and technological developments, making July 25th a notable day in history.

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Quote of the Day: Anger

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.“

Mark Twain

Mark Twain was the pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens, an American author and humorist who lived during the 19th and early 20th centuries. He was born on November 30, 1835, in Florida, Missouri, and died on April 21, 1910, in Redding, Connecticut.

Mark Twain is best known for his novels “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” (1876) and its sequel “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” (1885). These books are considered classics of American literature and are often taught in schools. Twain’s writing style was characterized by his use of colloquial language and satire, and he often explored themes of social injustice and the human condition.

Beyond his literary work, Mark Twain was also a lecturer, entrepreneur, and travel writer. He gained international fame for his wit and humor, and his quotes and sayings are still widely quoted and celebrated today.

Mark Twain’s impact on American literature and culture has been significant, and he remains one of the most prominent and beloved authors in the history of the United States.

This quote means that holding onto anger and keeping it bottled up within oneself can be more damaging to the person experiencing the anger than to the person or situation that provoked the anger. The metaphor of “anger is an acid” suggests that anger can eat away at a person’s emotional well-being, just as acid can corrode and damage a physical vessel.

When someone holds onto anger, it can lead to various negative effects on their mental and emotional health. It can cause stress, resentment, and bitterness, which can lead to a deterioration of one’s overall well-being. Just like acid slowly corrodes a container, anger can erode a person’s happiness, peace of mind, and relationships over time.

The second part of the quote, “than to anything on which it is poured,” emphasizes that expressing anger outwardly and venting it onto others or a situation might cause harm, but that harm is usually temporary and external. However, when we suppress and hold onto anger, it festers within us, affecting our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, which can have more lasting and profound negative consequences.

In essence, the quote serves as a reminder of the importance of managing anger constructively, rather than allowing it to consume us from the inside. It encourages finding healthier ways to process and express anger, such as through communication, understanding, and forgiveness, to avoid causing long-term harm to ourselves and our relationships.

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Advice of the Day: Candidate Selection

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

The advice given is not good and is not a fair or ethical hiring practice. Making hiring decisions based on luck or arbitrarily discarding half of the CVs without proper evaluation can lead to discriminatory practices and is likely to result in missing out on potentially qualified and capable candidates.

Good hiring practices should focus on evaluating candidates based on their skills, qualifications, experience, and suitability for the job. It’s important to have a fair and unbiased hiring process that considers each candidate’s merits and abilities rather than relying on arbitrary methods.

Employers should adopt a structured and systematic approach to review all CVs or applications, conduct interviews, and assess candidates based on objective criteria related to the job requirements. This way, they can make well-informed decisions that benefit both the company and the candidates. Avoiding discrimination and promoting diversity and inclusion in the workplace is crucial for building a successful and productive team.

However, if you believe in luck ……!

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Joke of the Day: Monday’s meaty meteor of mutating moonshine …

Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

Today I have officially been sober for 100 days.

Not like, in a row or anything..

Just in total.

My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday.

Ta Pauline.

I made a website for orphans.

It doesn’t have a homepage.

I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my girlfriend loved the lengthy corridor.

Now I’m in it for the long hall.

What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

I’ve just seen a poor old lady fall over and knock herself out.

Well, I think she’s poor.

She’s only got a fiver in her handbag.

I asked my waiter: “What’s the special of the day?”

“Octopus” he replied.

“Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!” He added.

My girlfriend said she’s splitting up with me because I’m obsessed with Boy George.

I asked her if she really wanted to hurt me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a female’s body.

Then I was born.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!

In the end, he came around.

My girlfriend handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”

I said I’d take either/oar.

“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying “come in, make a seat.”

What’s green and not very heavy?

Light green.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day…

At his funeral, we placed a life-jacket on his coffin.

It’s what he would have wanted…

Me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel..

I won!

Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..

They lit a fire in the craft, and it sank..

Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Half the people you know are below average.

I really like puns about yellow gloves I must admit…

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Quote of the Day: Gifts

“A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.”

Seneca

Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger or Lucius Annaeus Seneca, was a prominent Roman philosopher, statesman, and playwright who lived from approximately 4 BC to AD 65. He was born in Corduba (present-day Córdoba, Spain) and came from a wealthy and influential family.

Seneca is best known for his contributions to Stoicism, a philosophical school that emphasized the development of virtue, self-control, and inner tranquility as the path to a happy and meaningful life. He wrote extensively on various subjects, including ethics, morality, and the nature of the universe.

In his philosophical works, Seneca explored the idea of living in accordance with nature, accepting life’s challenges with equanimity, and embracing personal responsibility for one’s actions and attitudes. He believed that true happiness and freedom come from cultivating one’s character and not being overly attached to external circumstances or material possessions.

Aside from his philosophical pursuits, Seneca also served as an advisor and tutor to the Roman emperor Nero, who was his nephew. Despite his close association with Nero, Seneca faced political challenges and eventually fell out of favor with the emperor. In AD 65, he was forced to commit suicide after being accused of involvement in a conspiracy against Nero, a fate he met with courage and philosophical composure.

Seneca’s writings have had a significant influence on Western philosophy and continue to be studied and admired to this day. His works, such as “Letters to Lucilius” and “On the Shortness of Life,” offer timeless wisdom and insights into human nature, making him one of the most celebrated thinkers of the ancient world.

The quote “A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer” emphasizes the importance of the motive or intention behind a gift or action, rather than solely focusing on the material value or outcome.

At its core, the quote suggests that the true essence of a gift or act of kindness lies in the thought and sentiment behind it. A meaningful gift is not merely determined by its monetary value or grandeur but is defined by the genuine care, love, or goodwill expressed by the giver. Similarly, a compassionate act carries greater significance when it is motivated by empathy, compassion, and a desire to help others.

In essence, the quote reminds us that the true worth of a gift or action is in the emotions, intentions, and feelings invested in it. It encourages us to be mindful of the deeper connections we share with others, fostering a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the sincerity and kindness of those who give or act with genuine intent.

This concept extends beyond material gifts and encompasses any gesture, deed, or support offered to others. It reminds us that the thoughtfulness and goodwill we put into our actions have the power to create a positive impact on the lives of those we interact with, enriching relationships and building a sense of community and empathy.

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Advice of the Day: Car Thieves

CAR thieves Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

The statement, “CAR thieves Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat,” can be seen as humorous to some people, but it is important to note that humor is subjective and can vary based on individual sensibilities.

The humor in this statement comes from the unexpected twist in perspective. The phrase starts with the assumption that the advice is directed at “car thieves,” which is already a morally wrong and illegal activity. However, instead of encouraging car theft, the punchline reveals that the valuables may be hidden, implying that the car thief won’t find anything of value. In this sense, the humor lies in subverting expectations and using irony.

Despite the humor, it is essential to remember that car theft is a serious crime and should not be condoned or encouraged in any way. Humor should never justify or promote illegal or harmful behavior. Instead, humor should focus on positive and constructive subjects, without encouraging any form of wrongdoing. That said, I think it is funny!

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This Day in History: July 24th

Here are 10 interesting events that took place on July 24th throughout history:

  1. 1567: Mary, Queen of Scots, abdicates the Scottish throne – Amid political and religious turmoil, Mary Stuart is forced to abdicate in favor of her infant son, James VI.
  2. 1701: Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac founds Detroit, Michigan – The French explorer establishes a trading post, which eventually grows into the city of Detroit.
  3. 1847: Brigham Young leads Mormon pioneers to the Salt Lake Valley – After a long journey, Brigham Young and his followers arrive in what is now Utah, establishing the settlement of Salt Lake City.
  4. 1929: The Kellogg-Briand Pact is signed – 15 nations sign a treaty renouncing war as an instrument of national policy, aiming for peaceful resolutions to international conflicts.
  5. 1969: Apollo 11 returns to Earth – The Apollo 11 spacecraft, carrying Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins, splashes down in the Pacific Ocean, completing their historic moon landing mission.
  6. 1974: The United States Supreme Court orders President Richard Nixon to release the Watergate tapes – This order played a significant role in the Watergate scandal, leading to Nixon’s resignation.
  7. 2001: Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha becomes Prime Minister of Bulgaria – The former King of Bulgaria returns to his country and takes on a political role in the government.
  8. 2018: The longest total lunar eclipse of the 21st century – The “Blood Moon” lunar eclipse occurs, lasting 1 hour, 43 minutes, and 35 seconds, visible in parts of Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and South America.
  9. 2019: Boris Johnson becomes the UK Prime Minister – Following Theresa May’s resignation, Boris Johnson is appointed as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
  10. 2020: Japan’s SoftBank Group announces the sale of ARM to NVIDIA – The deal, valued at $40 billion, sees the British semiconductor and software design company ARM being sold to the American technology company NVIDIA.

Please note that these events are significant and intriguing occurrences, but there are many other events of historical importance that have also taken place on July 24th throughout history.

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Joke of the Day: Sunday’s sodden salvage of satirical shipwreck

Fed up with the laundry basket.

I’m going to throw the towel in.

Turned down a job emptying laundry baskets at the local monastery as I didn’t want to pick up any dirty habits.

I’ve decided to put all my eggs in one basket so I don’t look daft walking around the supermarket.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

Maybe

I had to resign from my job as an ice cream taste tester.

I couldn’t work sundaes…

My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”

Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…

I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.

So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddad’s house…

I received a cricket ball through the post yesterday.

It was a perfect delivery.

Why does your nose grow in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter.

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

My girlfriend left me today because I’m too insecure…

Oh wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

How do Mexicans stay warm?

They use chickens for heaters.

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded?

There was de Brie everywhere.

What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain?

Camembert.

I once dated a girl with fiery red hair and a pale white thin body.

We met on match.com

My dyslexic grandfather was a baker in the Army.

He used to go into battle with all buns glazing.

What do you get if you chop a policeman’s head into four pieces?

Police headquarters.

What do kids have four of, but adults only have two of?

Kid Knees!

I politely asked the surgeon if he minded me administering my own anesthetic

He said “Sure, knock yourself out”

Did you know that next week is diarrhea awareness week?

Runs until Friday.

The statement: “You are what you eat” isn’t really true.

For example: If you eat a Vegan, you are not a Vegan.

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