Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s waste-strewn wonderland of wanton wit ….

My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…

Bloody cheek!

I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style..

First rule of Thesaurus Club.

You don’t talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip, or natter about Thesaurus Club.

I was arguing with my wife in Nando’s when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time-consuming.

I saw a van with a “No tools left in this van overnight” sticker on the back.

So I broke in during the day.

My wife left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…

I told her to close the door five times on her way out!

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to poop your pants.

He’s still making fun of me though.

A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?

An investigator.

I’ve recently developed an irrational fear of elevators.

I’m now taking steps to avoid them.

I said to my wife, “I’ve lost the dictionary.”

She said, “Have you looked upstairs?”

I said, “I can’t look up anything!”

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

My wife just asked me if I’d finished making puns about small onions.

I said, “Yes, that shallot”.

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

I’ve just finished my degree in sandwich fillings.

I do my final eggs ham tomorrow.

My boss accused me of never taking him seriously.

“I don’t agree with that,” I told him.

He said, “Can I see you in my office?”

I said, “Depends if the lights are on.”

I was fired from my job as a test marker.

I don’t know why; I always gave 100%.

My wife made a list of the ten reasons she wants a divorce.

  1. I don’t seem to care.
  2. I’m not a good listener.
  3. Etc.

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s torturous triumph of terrible tittle-tattle …

A crow walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “I hope your friends aren’t coming.”

“Last time they were here, there was a murder.”

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden.

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

I was so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.

That’s when the shift hit the fan.

A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar.

I said I’d take a stab at it.

Doctor: “So, you’re telling me that you have a problem hearing with one of your ears. Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I’m definite.”

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

During chemistry class, I learned that sulphur dioxide should never be poured into a metal container.

It’s just an oxidant waiting to happen.

This morning I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash.

And I thought, “It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.”

My wife wanted to go on vacation but I wanted a staycation.

So we compromised and had an altercation.

The first rule of ‘Cliff Richard Club’ is that we don’t talk anymore about ‘Cliff Richard Club’…

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I’ll tell you what, never again.

I got asked today ” Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”

I said ” Obviously a lift engineer”

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?

Cornflakes.

If there’s one thing that makes me throw up it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.

She said, “You’re not the only one”.

Just heard a woman on the radio saying her aim to lose weight is so she can fit into her wardrobe.

“Jesus Christ, how fat must she be?!” I exclaimed.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar.

Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a quid in.

It’s currently half empty…

I always found the fishmonger at our local market to be pretty unfriendly.

In fact, I’d describe him as a little standoffish!

I got drunk last night and threw all my son’s building bricks away.

I was totally legoless !!!

I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read ‘War And Peace’ in 30 seconds.

It’s only 3 words but it’s a start.

I banged on my neighbour’s door and said, “Your cat has just urinated all over my rhubarb!”

He said, “Sorry to hear that. Is it bad?”

“I’ll say” I huffed, “I was eating it with custard at the time.”

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof.

Awful news as there is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The police are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

Kids in my street are having a water fight and I can’t help but join in.

Just waiting on the kettle to boil and I’ll be straight out.

My Uber driver said to me today “I love my job, I’m my own boss. No one tells me what to do”.

“Please turn left” I replied.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

I just saw Beyonce on her way to Wimbledon to watch the tennis.

She’s going to see all the ladies singles, all the ladies singles…

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This Day in History: July 4th

Here are ten interesting events that took place on July 4th throughout history:

  1. 1776: The United States Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Second Continental Congress, proclaiming the independence of the American colonies from British rule.
  2. 1802: The United States Military Academy at West Point was established in New York.
  3. 1826: Founding Fathers Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both passed away on the same day, coincidentally on the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
  4. 1863: The decisive Battle of Vicksburg during the American Civil War concluded with a Union victory, securing control of the Mississippi River.
  5. 1872: Calvin Coolidge, the 30th President of the United States, was born in Plymouth, Vermont.
  6. 1881: The renowned American author and humorist, Mark Twain, delivered his first public address in London, England.
  7. 1939: Lou Gehrig, the legendary baseball player for the New York Yankees, gave his farewell speech at Yankee Stadium after being diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), now known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.
  8. 1946: The Philippines gained independence from the United States after decades of American colonial rule.
  9. 1997: NASA’s Pathfinder spacecraft landed on Mars, deploying the Sojourner rover, which became the first wheeled vehicle to explore the Martian surface.
  10. 2005: The Deep Impact spacecraft executed a successful collision with the comet Tempel 1, allowing scientists to study the composition and structure of the comet.

These events represent a range of historical, cultural, and scientific milestones that occurred on July 4th and have had significant impacts in various fields.

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Quote of the Day: Education

“Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”

Aristotle

Aristotle (384-322 BCE) was a renowned ancient Greek philosopher, scientist, and polymath. He was born in Stagira, Greece, and became a student of Plato at the Academy in Athens. Aristotle’s contributions spanned numerous fields, including philosophy, logic, biology, physics, ethics, politics, and more. He is considered one of the most influential thinkers in Western philosophy and has had a lasting impact on fields such as science, ethics, and metaphysics.

Aristotle’s works cover a wide range of topics and are extensive in scope. Some of his notable works include “Nicomachean Ethics,” in which he explores the nature of human virtue and moral character, and “Politics,” where he examines various forms of government and their principles.

Aristotle’s approach to knowledge and understanding relied heavily on observation, categorization, and logical reasoning. His system of logic, known as Aristotelian logic or syllogistic reasoning, had a significant influence on Western philosophy and scientific inquiry for centuries.

Overall, Aristotle’s contributions have had a profound impact on philosophy, science, and many other areas of human thought, making him one of the most important figures in the history of Western intellectual tradition.

The quote, “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all,” highlights the importance of developing both intellectual and emotional aspects of an individual through education. It suggests that a truly comprehensive education should not only focus on academic knowledge and intellectual growth but also on nurturing the emotions, values, and character of an individual.

Here’s a breakdown of the meaning:

  1. “Educating the mind”: This refers to the traditional understanding of education, which emphasizes intellectual development, critical thinking, acquiring knowledge, and honing cognitive skills.
  2. “Without educating the heart”: This implies that a complete education should go beyond intellectual pursuits and should involve the cultivation of one’s emotions, empathy, compassion, and moral values. It emphasizes the significance of emotional intelligence and ethical development.
  3. “Is no education at all”: This phrase indicates that an education solely focused on intellectual aspects, neglecting the emotional and ethical dimensions, is incomplete and inadequate. It suggests that true education encompasses the holistic development of an individual’s intellectual, emotional, and moral faculties.

In essence, the quote highlights the need for a balanced and well-rounded education that not only nurtures the intellect but also fosters qualities such as empathy, kindness, and ethical reasoning. It suggests that an education that neglects the heart, the emotional and ethical aspects, falls short of providing a truly meaningful and comprehensive learning experience.

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Advice of the Day: Borrowing money

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.

Not all will find this good advice, or even funny. Perhaps this is because you are pessimistic? SO tongue in cheek here goes. The humor in the statement above provided relies on the play on words and the ironic twist it presents. Let’s break it down:

  1. In the statement, there is a common expectation that when you borrow money from someone, they usually anticipate it will be repaid at some point in the future.
  2. The term “pessimist” refers to someone who tends to have a negative or gloomy outlook on life. They often expect things to go wrong.
  3. The humor lies in the ironic twist that suggests borrowing money from a pessimist will result in them not expecting it back. The implication is that their pessimistic mindset leads them to assume the worst, even when it comes to their own loans, hence making them less likely to expect repayment.
  4. By playing on this ironic twist, the statement turns a common expectation on its head and presents it as a humorous contradiction.

It’s important to note that humor is subjective, and what one person finds funny, another may not. The humor in this statement may appeal to those who enjoy wordplay and appreciate the unexpected twist.

The statement is intended as a humorous play on words rather than genuine financial advice. It suggests that borrowing money from someone who is pessimistic may result in them not expecting repayment. However, it’s important to remember that borrowing money should be taken seriously and should involve clear agreements and intentions for repayment.

While humor can be enjoyable, it’s crucial to approach financial matters responsibly and with integrity. It is always best to establish transparent terms and expectations when borrowing money, regardless of the lender’s disposition. Open communication and honoring your financial obligations are essential components of maintaining healthy relationships and financial stability. If you lend me a pound for my coffee, I won’t pay you back!

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Joke of the Day: Monday’s balding bag of bawdy balderdash ….

I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!

I’ve got his back for good.

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

I just back from Crete where I had a very brief visit to see the Labyrinth.

Was only a minor tour.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Nobody knows – it’s never been done before.

What’s white and can’t climb trees?

A Fridge.

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college?

Bison.

I’ve asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

My wife asked me how long I’d been chopping wood.

I told her I’d have to check my logs.

At first, my wife hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it…

Eventually, she came around.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily…

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera.

I had to interrogate a duck once.

Eventually, he quacked under the pressure…

Sneezed all over my toast.

Can’t believe it snot butter…

Which Icelandic singer/songwriter was named after an English city?

A. Norwich
B. York
C. Leeds

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.

I’m going to take it for a spin later…

It’s my brother’s birthday, he’s a bomb disposal expert.

Took him 6 hours to open his present…

My waiter asked if “would you like some fresh ground pepper on your pasta”.

“OK” I replied.

“Tell me when”.

“Before I eat it”.

I bought my wife a rocket for her birthday.

She’s over the moon!

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

I once made a belt out of £10 notes.

Turns out it was just a waist of money.

Quote of the Day: Legacy

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

Pericles

Pericles was an influential statesman, orator, and general in ancient Greece. He was born around 495 BCE and lived until 429 BCE. Pericles is often regarded as one of the most prominent figures in Athenian history and a key figure in the Golden Age of Athens.

Pericles rose to prominence in Athens during the 5th century BCE. He played a significant role in shaping Athenian democracy and strengthening the city-state’s political and cultural institutions. He championed the idea of democracy and believed in the power of the people to govern themselves.

Pericles was known for his exceptional oratory skills and delivered several influential speeches that inspired and rallied the citizens of Athens. He encouraged Athenian democracy, promoted the arts and literature, and sought to expand Athens’ influence and power.

Under Pericles’ leadership, Athens experienced a period of great cultural and intellectual flourishing. This era is often referred to as the Golden Age of Athens or the Age of Pericles. During this time, the city-state witnessed advancements in architecture, sculpture, drama, philosophy, and other areas of intellectual and artistic pursuits.

Pericles was also a military leader and played a vital role in the Peloponnesian War, a conflict between Athens and Sparta. Although the war ultimately resulted in Athens’ defeat, Pericles’ strategic decisions and leadership left a lasting impact on Athenian history.

Pericles’ influence and legacy extended beyond his lifetime. His vision and policies shaped Athenian democracy and contributed to its enduring influence on later democratic systems. His emphasis on the importance of culture, arts, and education left a lasting impact on Western civilization.

The quote “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others” emphasizes the idea that a person’s true legacy is not measured solely by physical monuments or external achievements, but rather by the impact they have had on the lives of others.

Rather than focusing on material possessions or superficial accolades, the quote suggests that the true measure of a person’s influence lies in the positive and lasting effects they have on the people they encounter and the lives they touch. It suggests that the impact we make on others through our actions, words, and relationships is what truly endures beyond our physical presence.

The quote invites us to reflect on the importance of how we treat others, the values we embody, and the contributions we make to the well-being and happiness of those around us. It suggests that acts of kindness, compassion, love, and support are what truly leave a lasting impression and shape the memories and experiences of others.

In summary, the quote emphasizes the significance of the intangible and meaningful aspects of life rather than material possessions or external recognition. It encourages us to consider how we can positively impact others and leave a lasting legacy through the relationships we cultivate and the positive influence we have on those around us.

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Advice of the Day: Money

A penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny spent is a lot more fun.

The saying “A penny saved is a penny earned” is a well-known proverb that encourages the importance of saving money. It implies that by not spending money and instead saving it, you are essentially increasing your wealth by the amount you would have spent. This concept promotes frugality and the idea of valuing and being mindful of your finances.

On the other hand, the phrase “A penny spent is a lot more fun” suggests that spending money can bring enjoyment, pleasure, or satisfaction. It acknowledges that money can be used to fulfill desires, meet needs, or experience enjoyable activities.

While both statements contain elements of truth, they reflect different perspectives on money and personal preferences. Saving money is essential for financial stability, future goals, and unexpected expenses. It provides a sense of security and allows for long-term planning. On the other hand, spending money wisely can bring happiness and fulfillment, allowing you to enjoy the fruits of your labor and experience life’s pleasures.

Ultimately, finding the right balance between saving and spending is a personal decision that depends on individual circumstances, goals, and values. It’s important to strike a healthy balance that allows for both responsible saving and the occasional indulgence in enjoyable experiences. Personally, I prefer spending!

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This Day in History: July 3rd

Here are ten interesting events that took place on July 3rd throughout history:

  1. 1608: The city of Quebec is founded by French explorer Samuel de Champlain, establishing one of the oldest European settlements in North America.
  2. 1775: General George Washington takes command of the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  3. 1863: The pivotal Battle of Gettysburg begins during the American Civil War, lasting for three days and resulting in a Union victory.
  4. 1884: Dow Jones & Company publishes its first stock average, laying the foundation for the Dow Jones Industrial Average, a prominent stock market index.
  5. 1890: Idaho becomes the 43rd U.S. state, joining the Union.
  6. 1938: American aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan are reported missing after their plane disappears over the Pacific Ocean during their attempted flight around the world.
  7. 1971: The famous American rock band, The Doors, officially disbands following the death of their lead singer, Jim Morrison.
  8. 1988: The USS Vincennes, a United States Navy guided-missile cruiser, shoots down Iran Air Flight 655 over the Persian Gulf, resulting in the loss of 290 lives.
  9. 2005: A terrorist attack takes place on London’s public transportation system, commonly referred to as the 7/7 bombings, resulting in the deaths of 52 people.
  10. 2013: Egypt’s first democratically elected president, Mohammed Morsi, is overthrown by the Egyptian military after widespread protests against his government.

These events highlight significant moments in history, including milestones in exploration, battles during wartime, the founding of states, notable cultural occurrences, and tragic incidents that had a lasting impact on society.

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Joke of the Day: Sunday’s shady shipment of shapely shenanigans

For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.

Drum roll, please.

It was the wife’s birthday yesterday and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I took the hint…

I got her a magazine rack.

BREAKING NEWS!

The family of a man who went missing after eating five tins of baked beans and two jars of pickled onions have made an emotional appeal for his return.

They said in a statement:

“Please don’t come back for at least a week.”

A new product has hit the supermarket shelves.

You can now buy ‘wildebeest pate’ endorsed by Frank Sinatra…

Start spreading the gnus…

My wife dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked, “where’s this stemming from petal?”

What do you call someone with no body and a nose?

Nobody knows!

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

What’s an element that isn’t on the periodic table?

The element of surprise.

If I ordered an axe from France and had it shipped,

I would have a foreign axe sent.

Child: “What is the most northern state of the US?”

Dad: “Ask your mum”

Child: “Thanks Dad, I’ll ask her”

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.

We had a big argument though, and now she won’t even give me the time of day…

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.

To make it look more classy.

There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.
2.
3.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I should have put it on aloha setting.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said, “Can u describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.

I am going to apply for a job as a waiter…

I could bring a lot to the table.

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