Joke of the Day: Hands

Why shouldn’t you shake hands with Tigger?

Because he plays with Pooh.

My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…

She’s a vigilauntie.

I recently went to a seance hosted by Neil Diamond…

Hands, touching hands, reaching out…

6.30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

I was once abducted by aliens.

They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables…

Turns out I was on the mothership.

They say that being a hostage is hard and mentally draining but… I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder. He never liked to throw anything away.

He died in the war holding a hand grenade.

When I told my wife I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.

Then I saw the grenade in her hand!

I just sold all my glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…

How many bones are in your hand?

About a handful.

Ticket inspectors; you’ve got to hand it to them.

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Thought of the Day: Sunday

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Baking Jokes

Calling all whisk warriors and flour fiends! Get ready to sink your teeth into some knead-slapping humor! This website is your one-stop shop for all things baking-related puns, jokes, and hilarious mishaps that are sure to leave you feeling batter than ever. Whether you’re a seasoned baker who can whip up a soufflé with your eyes closed, or a kitchen novice whose idea of baking is burning toast, we’ve got something to tickle your funny bone. So preheat your laughter oven, grab your rolling pin of wit, and get ready to whisk away your worries with some truly wheatie jokes!

I used to know a baker who had red hair.

He was a ginger bread man.

Someone banged into me in the bakery, smashing my pies & pasties.

Serves me right for putting all my Greggs in one basket.

What is it with bakers??

They’ve always got something to prove…

I said to the baker, “How come all your cakes are 50p, but that one’s £1?”

He said, “That’s Madeira cake”.

I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs.

They must be baking in there.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.

I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day.

Roll on Tuesday!

My friend has lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on his head.

It’s a new loaf hat diet he’s trying.

For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.

Drum roll please.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ was better than ‘white bread’..

They were Hovis witnesses.

FUN FACT! Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?

Bread is a lot like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I went to a fancy dress party last weekend dressed as a loaf of bread…

The birds were all over me.

And that’s not all ….


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Thought of the Day: Deliveries

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Joke of the Day: Pub

My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa.

It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

The bartender told me they are about to start Happy Hour.

So he asked me to leave.

Just moved to a really rough area, I went to the local pub for a quiz night and the first question was “What are you looking at?!”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, and a bit later on I crossed the road.

Then I walked into a bar..

My life is a joke.

If anyone knows any good fruit machine jokes, give me a nudge…

A limbo champion walks into a bar.

He got disqualified.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

Penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman; “Have you seen my brother?”

Barman says “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, “Wallaby?

The marsupial says, “I’ll have a pint, please.”

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles so I’ve signed a partition…

I went into the pub and ordered four pints of lager.

I was asked if I would prefer a pitcher.

I said, “No, can I have the real thing please…”

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The barman says, “I’m serving Narnia!”

I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub.

The results are staggering…

A duck goes into a pub and the barman says “Waddle it be?”

A toothless termite walks into a pub and asks… “Is the bar tender here?”

Man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round..

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

Wife: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!

Husband: I ran out of money.

I went to a pub called “The Old Fiddle” last weekend…

I wouldn’t go there again though, it was a vile inn…

My wife was making fun of me because I always order the worst drink.

It was a cheap shot.

Rich kids have silver spoons.

Poor ones have Wetherspoons.

Took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and cider…

By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push his pram…

My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!

We’re going through a bit of a Rocky patch…

f(x)=2×1 walks into a bar.

The barman says, ‘Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.

Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken ?”

Pub landlord required…

Must have own pub. Apply with inn.

Went to an ABBA theme pub last night.

The toilets were amazing!

What a loo…!!

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walked into a bar.

The rabbit says “I think I might be a typo…”

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.

The doorman said to me, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.

I replied, “What, drinks?”

He said, “No, birthdays!”

I saw a guy in the pub last night carrying 12 pints of lager.

I thought that guy can really hold his drink.

Someone came up to me last night holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist…

But I think it was the drink talking…

A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle.

I said to my mate “its going to kick off in a minute”

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern..

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman.

With him, the glass was always half empty.

A neutron gets a pint and asks how much it is, and the barman says “For you, no charge”.

I went to a pub called ‘The Light Brigade’ recently.

They certainly knew how to charge.

A giraffe walks into a bar and lies down.

A man walks in and says “Why is that lying there?”

The bartender says “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

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Thought of the Day: Invisibilty

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Quote of the Day: Be Yourself

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

Oscar Wilde

Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde tragically died from meningitis at age 46. He was an Irish poet and playwright renowned for his witty quotes. This message is simple and direct … you have no choice other than to be you! Embrace and celebrate that thought.

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Joke of the Day: Negative

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

I was born to be a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

A double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

Yeah . . .right.

My wife told me to stop making camera puns. I said she should stop focusing on the negatives and develop a sense of humour!

She left me in a flash…

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Thought of the Day: Bacon

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Joke of the Day: Tax

Why are Sherlock Holmes’ taxes so low?

Because he’s a master of deduction.

Why does Santa spend January filling in his tax return?

Because he’s elf employed.

If I had £1 for every time I looked on the negative side of things,

I’d have a huge tax bill.

My local tax office is a lovely place to work.

Everybody counts.

A local builder has been avoiding tax by installing long rods into toilets.

The tax office says it’s a loo pole that they will investigate.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game.

Because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

What kind of insect helps people with their taxes?

An account ant.

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax-exempt status now.

They are a non-prophet organization.

How do crabs evade taxes?

They set up shell corporations.

I saw a lady in tears at the store.

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her £100 because I felt sorry for her.

Plus I had just found about £1,600 in the car park.

What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber?

One is a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.

Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years.

But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

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