The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down. But it was arson. A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area… A lorry carrying onions has shed its load all over the M1. Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Police”
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Joke of the Day: Restaurants
Asked in a local restaurant how they prepare their chickens. Chap said, “We just tell them straight that they’re going to die”. I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager said: “Do you mind waiting a bit?” I said “No.” “Good” he said. “Take these drinks to table 7.” I had a meal lastContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Restaurants”
Joke of the Day: Dark
I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill. These are the darkest days of my life. I don’t like to talk about my years spent working as a cinema usher. I was in a dark place at the time. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light atContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Dark”
Joke of the Day: Hands
Why shouldn’t you shake hands with Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh. My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands… She’s a vigilauntie. I recently went to a seance hosted by Neil Diamond… Hands, touching hands, reaching out… 6.30 is the best time on a clock. Hands down. I’m glad I knowContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Hands”
Joke of the Day: Baking
I used to know a baker who had red hair. He was a ginger bread man. Someone banged into me in the bakery, smashing my pies & pasties. Serves me right for putting all my Greggs in one basket. What is it with bakers?? They’ve always got something to prove… I said to the baker,Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Baking”
Joke of the Day: Pub
My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa. It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun. The bartender told me they are about to start Happy Hour. So he asked me to leave. Just moved to a really rough area, I went to the local pubContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Pub”
Joke of the Day: Negative
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He would stop at nothing to avoid them. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, thereContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Negative”
Joke of the Day: Tax
Why are Sherlock Holmes’ taxes so low? Because he’s a master of deduction. Why does Santa spend January filling in his tax return? Because he’s elf employed. If I had £1 for every time I looked on the negative side of things, I’d have a huge tax bill. My local tax office is a lovelyContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Tax”
Joke of the Day: Bees and Wasps
What type of bees produce milk? Boobees. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. When a new hive is finished bees have a house swarming party. News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees. They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation. Did you know that bees areContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Bees and Wasps”
Joke of the Day: Countries
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’ I really don’t want to see puns about French eggs on Twitter anymore. Un oeuf is un oeuf. How do Vikings send secret messages? Norse code. The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Countries”
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