Best Man Jokes

Being a best man is a delicate balance between honouring the groom and exposing just enough of his past to keep everyone entertained. This collection of best man jokes delivers exactly that — light embarrassment, gentle digs, and just enough charm to avoid being escorted out of the venue.

😂 Best Man Jokes

For those of you who don’t know me…
Well done for sneaking into a wedding.

I’ve known the groom for many years…
Which is unfortunate, because I have stories.

The groom asked me to keep this speech short.
So I said, “No problem — I’ll just tell one of your stories.”

Marriage is all about compromise.
For example, today the groom gets married… and the bride gets her way.

The groom is a wonderful man…
And I say that as someone who knows where the bodies are buried.

I was asked to describe the groom in three words.
Late, disorganised, and lucky.

They say behind every great man is a great woman.
In this case, she’s standing right next to him, wondering what she’s done.

The groom told me he was punching above his weight…
I told him not to worry — the referee seems distracted.

A good marriage is built on trust.
Which is why the bride has wisely taken control of everything.

The groom has always been a man of great decisions…
And today, he’s made his best one yet.

I remember when the groom first met the bride…
He immediately knew she was the one — mainly because she told him.

The groom asked me for advice before the wedding.
I said, “Listen carefully, apologise often, and learn to say ‘yes dear’.”

Marriage is like a walk in the park…
Jurassic Park.

The groom has finally found someone who will laugh at his jokes…
Or at least pretend convincingly.

I’d like to thank the bride for making the groom a better man…
Mostly by taking over all decision-making responsibilities.

The groom is a man of many talents…
None of which will be required from this point onwards.

They say love is blind…
Which explains a lot about today.

I asked the groom if he was nervous…
He said no — but his shaking suggested otherwise.

The bride looks absolutely stunning today…
And the groom has made a real effort as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass…
To the bride and groom — may your life together be filled with love, laughter, and selective memory.

A best man’s speech walks a fine line between celebration and gentle sabotage. Delivered correctly, it leaves the room in laughter, the groom slightly concerned, and the bride quietly reassured that she has, in fact, taken charge of the situation.

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Bed Jokes

Beds are meant for rest, relaxation, and occasionally lying awake at 3am thinking about something embarrassing from 2007. This collection of bed jokes covers everything from sleep struggles to lazy mornings, proving that even doing absolutely nothing can still be funny.

😂 Bed Jokes

I love my bed…
But my alarm clock and I have a toxic relationship.

My bed and I are perfect for each other…
But my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

I’m not lazy…
I’m just very relaxed in bed.

I went to bed early last night…
I just lay there worrying about things instead.

My bed is a magical place…
Where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I tried to get out of bed this morning…
But gravity was stronger than usual.

I don’t have insomnia…
I just have a strong resistance to mornings.

My bed is my happy place…
Unfortunately, my job disagrees.

I told myself I’d get up early today…
My bed said, “Let’s not be hasty.”

I got into bed full of motivation…
It was gone by morning.

My blanket and I have a great relationship…
It always covers for me.

I don’t need an alarm clock…
My responsibilities wake me up eventually.

I went to bed with a clear mind…
Woke up with 47 new worries.

My pillow understands me…
It supports me in ways others don’t.

I tried counting sheep…
Now I’m emotionally invested in their lives.

I love sleep…
It’s like a time machine to breakfast.

I stayed in bed all day once…
It was everything I dreamed it would be.

I tried to make my bed this morning…
It didn’t want to be made.

My bed said, “Stay.”
My alarm said, “Go.”
I listened to the one I respect.

I told my bed I’d be back in five minutes…
We both knew that was a lie.

My bed and I have a special relationship.
We’re perfect for each other — except when my alarm clock gets involved.

I tried to make my bed this morning…
But it refused to cooperate.

My favourite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch…
I call it lunch… in bed.

I love my bed.
It’s my biggest supporter — it always has my back.

I went to bed early last night…
Just to lie there and overthink more efficiently.

My bed is a magical place.
I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I don’t have insomnia…
My bed and I just have a complicated relationship.

I set my alarm to wake me up refreshed.
It woke me up offended instead.

I told myself I’d get up early today…
My bed said, “Let’s not rush into things.”

I like long walks…
Back to my bed.

My pillow and I are in a committed relationship.
We’ve been through a lot together.

I got into bed full of motivation last night…
It was gone by morning.

I tried counting sheep…
Now I’m worried about their wellbeing.

My bed is the only place where I can be truly productive…
At doing absolutely nothing.

I told my bed I needed space…
It pulled me back in.

My blanket understands me.
It always covers for me.

I went to bed with a clear mind…
Woke up with 47 new worries.

I love weekends.
It’s just me, my bed, and absolutely no plans.

I tried to get out of bed…
But my dreams filed an appeal.

The bed is one of life’s great constants — a place of rest, avoidance, reflection, and occasionally heroic levels of laziness. And while the world may demand productivity, the bed remains quietly persuasive, reminding us that doing nothing is, in its own way, something of an art.

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Bartender Jokes

Behind every great joke is a bartender who’s heard it before. This collection of bartender jokes mixes classic setups, dry wit, and just enough mischief to keep things interesting. Whether you’re pulling pints or just enjoying one, these jokes are served neat, with no watering down.

😂 Bartender Jokes

A man walks into a bar…
Ouch.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, “A pint please… and one for the road.”

Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
He takes a sip and says, “This tastes funny.”
The bartender says, “Then why aren’t you laughing?”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Do you serve ghosts here?”
The bartender says, “No.”
The man says, “That’s a shame — I was hoping for some spirits.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a whisky.”
The bartender says, “Single?”
The man replies, “No, I’m just drinking alone.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the trouble starts.”
He drinks it.
“Another one before the trouble starts.”
After a few, the bartender asks, “When are you going to pay?”
The man says, “Now the trouble starts.”

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots.
The bartender says, “Big day?”
The man says, “Yes — my first one.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Do you have Wi-Fi?”
The bartender says, “Yes.”
The man says, “Great, I’ll have a beer.”

A man walks into a bar and whispers, “I think I’m invisible.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t see you.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Do you serve time travellers?”
The bartender says, “We will.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Can I get a drink on the house?”
The bartender says, “Sure — climb up.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Man: “Fine, I’ll have a beer.”
Bartender: “Password is ‘youneedtobuyadrinkfirst’.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Do you have any jokes?”
The bartender says, “Only the ones that come in here.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “What’s the cheapest drink you’ve got?”
The bartender says, “Water.”
The man says, “I’ll take a beer.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Surprise me.”
The bartender hands him the bill.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
He pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man appears and starts playing.
The bartender says, “Where did you get that?”
The man says, “I found a genie, but he’s hard of hearing.”
The bartender says, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “He thought I asked for a 12-inch pianist.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He says, “Put it on my tab.”
The bartender says, “What’s your tab?”
The man says, “It’s the thing I don’t pay.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Do you serve time travellers?”
The bartender says, “We will.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “That’ll be £5.”
The man says, “But I only have £3.”
The bartender says, “In that case, you’re short.”
The man replies, “No — I’m just standing further away.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Do you have anything light?”
The bartender hands him a torch.

A man walks into a bar and says, “Do you serve jokes here?”
The bartender says, “Only if they’re well mixed.”

The bar has always been a place where stories are told, truths are bent, and logic is quietly shown the door. And while the drinks may vary, the jokes remain remarkably consistent — slightly questionable, occasionally brilliant, and best enjoyed in good company.

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Bald Jokes

Hair today, gone tomorrow… and apparently, replaced with jokes. This collection of bald jokes celebrates the smooth, the shiny, and the unapologetically follicle-free. Whether by nature, choice, or gradual retreat, baldness has never looked so amusing.

😂 Bald Jokes

I’m not bald…
I’m just taller than my hair.

I don’t have a receding hairline.
I have a hairline that’s socially distancing.

I used to worry about going bald…
But then it grew on me.

My barber says I’m his easiest customer.
He calls it “low maintenance landscaping.”

I told my friend he was going bald.
He said, “It’s not baldness — it’s aerodynamic efficiency.”

I’m not losing my hair.
It’s simply migrating south.

My head isn’t bald…
It’s solar powered.

I asked for a little off the top.
He said, “That’ll be everything.”

Bald men don’t get grey hair.
They just get more forehead.

I tried a new shampoo for thinning hair.
It didn’t help — but at least the bottle lasted longer.

I don’t need a comb.
I just polish and go.

My hair didn’t fall out…
It withdrew in an orderly fashion.

I told my wife I was going bald.
She said, “Don’t worry — you’ve still got your personality.”
Which was alarming on several levels.

Baldness is just God’s way of saying…
“Let’s see your face properly.”

I don’t have a five-head…
I’ve upgraded to a six-head.

My hairline didn’t recede.
It made a strategic retreat.

I save a fortune on haircuts.
Mostly because there’s nothing left to cut.

I used to have thick, flowing hair…
Now I just have flowing memories.

Hair may come and go, but dignity, charm, and a well-timed joke remain steadfast companions. And if the scalp shines a little brighter these days, one might argue it’s simply reflecting wisdom — or at the very least, a decent overhead light.

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Astronaut Jokes

Space may be vast, silent, and full of existential dread… but thankfully, it’s also full of terrible puns. This collection of astronaut jokes boldly goes where humour probably shouldn’t, launching wordplay, cosmic misunderstandings, and interstellar nonsense into orbit.

😂 Astronaut Jokes

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
He needed space.

Why don’t astronauts get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they’ve just had a big launch.

How do astronauts organise a party?
They planet.

Why did the sun go to school?
To get a little brighter.

What do you call a loony spaceman?
An astro-nut.

Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to space?
Because he wanted to climb the Milky Way.

What’s an astronaut’s favourite part of a computer?
The space bar.

Why did the astronaut sit on his watch?
He wanted to be on time.

How do you know when the moon is broke?
It’s down to its last quarter.

Why don’t aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

What do astronauts use to keep their trousers up?
An asteroid belt.

Why did the astronaut get a ticket?
He parked in a meteor zone.

What do you call a group of musical astronauts?
A launch band.

Why did the astronaut refuse dessert?
He was over the moon already.

What’s an astronaut’s favourite chocolate?
A Mars bar.

Why did the rocket get promoted?
It always rose to the occasion.

What do you call a nervous astronaut?
A little spacey.

Why did the astronaut open a bakery?
Because he wanted to make stellar rolls.

What’s the most popular music in space?
Neptunes.

Why did the astronaut become a gardener?
He had a natural talent for space cultivation.

Space reminds us of our place in the universe: tiny, temporary, and apparently incapable of resisting a good pun about planets. Still, if laughter truly is universal, then somewhere out there, something is groaning at these jokes — and that, in its own way, is rather comforting.

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This Day in History – 26 March 1735

The Clerkenwell Bakehouse Robbery – George Ward and the Midnight Attack

Two in the Morning

In the early hours of 26 March 1735, while most of London slept, Thomas Gibson, a baker of St. James’s Clerkenwell, was already at work.

The ovens were lit. The bread was underway.
Beside him was his servant, Bryan Bird, tending to the routine of the bakehouse.

Then came the interruption.

Bird stepped into the yard to fetch a shovel.

Moments later—
a noise, a rush, and figures in the dark.

The Assault

Bird barely had time to react.

“They rush’d upon me, and knocked me down…
they put a Sword to my Throat, and held Pistols to my Breast.”

As he was subdued, the gang surged into the bakehouse.

Gibson, hearing the commotion, seized a long pole and ran to the door.

What followed was swift and violent.

A pistol was fired.

“A Man fired a Pistol at me, and wounded me in my Arm and Breast.”

A second shot followed.

“Another fir’d and wounded me in the Face, and beat me backwards.”

The attackers—three, perhaps more—closed in.

They forced him down, tore open his clothing, and robbed him of his money.

“If You Speak, I’ll Blow Your Brains Out”

The man identified as George Ward stood over Gibson as the others plundered the house.

“Swearing with horrid Oaths… if I spoke a Word, he would blow my Brains out.”

Meanwhile:

  • The servant was dragged inside
  • Blindfolded
  • Bound hand and foot

The gang moved methodically through the house, breaking locks, forcing drawers, and stripping the property of valuables.

Silver, clothing, money—
everything of worth was taken.

An Inside Job

The robbery was no random act.

Ward later confessed that the crime had been orchestrated by Patrick Hall, a former servant of Gibson.

Hall knew:

  • The layout of the house
  • The habits of its occupants
  • And crucially, that money was kept there after market dealings

He proposed the robbery.

The others agreed.

On that March night, Hall led them in—over the wall, through the back, and straight into the heart of the house.

The Confession

Ward was eventually captured in Bridgewater, Somerset, where he made a full confession before the Mayor and a Justice of the Peace.

He admitted:

  • His role in entering the house
  • His participation in restraining Gibson
  • His share in dividing the stolen goods

He described how:

  • The gang waited for the servant to emerge
  • Overpowered him
  • Then rushed the master

The stolen goods were sold, the money shared.

The crime, at least in their minds, complete.

The Trial

At the Old Bailey, the evidence was overwhelming:

  • Direct identification by Gibson
  • Testimony from the servant
  • Ward’s own confession

The violence of the attack—particularly the use of firearms—left little room for mercy.

The jury returned its verdict:

GUILTY.

The Sentence

For burglary combined with armed assault, the punishment was inevitable.

Death.

The Ordinary’s Account – A Life of Crime

If the trial revealed the crime, the Ordinary of Newgate revealed the man.

George Ward was:

  • Born in Dublin
  • Raised by “honest parents”
  • Given an education and apprenticed as a carpenter

But he chose another path.

He fell in with violent gangs—groups who:

  • Broke prisoners out of custody
  • Beat constables
  • Committed robberies and riots

His life became a catalogue of crime:

  • House-breaking
  • Highway robbery
  • Theft, violence, and disorder

Even at the end, he showed little remorse.

When asked to prepare for death, he refused.

When questioned about shooting Gibson, he declared:

he was sorry they had not shot him “more effectually.”

A Defiant End

Ward remained defiant to the last.

He:

  • Threatened those who had helped capture him
  • Boasted of other crimes
  • Showed little concern for judgment or eternity

The Ordinary described him as:

“a poor obdur’d, unthinking, obstinate Creature.”

A man unmoved by repentance—even at the gallows.

A Prisoner’s Strange Last Letter to his Cousin

“To Mr. William Davis at the Sign of the White Sheafe, in St. Patrick-street, near Patrick’s-Church, Dublin, in Ireland, with Care.

May 22d, 1736.

YOU blind squinty Son of a Hore, how durst you heave the Impedence to report upon me that I was hanged. I I gave you a nough all ready, but if I did not, I hope I will before I am much older; you and Billy Williams, and Guiss, you are all three Roagues, and I will meake Roagues of you very soon I hope. I heave heard from Dublin how you expoessed me there, you shall know very soon whether I am hanged or us, for the next Time I teake you in Hand, I will serve you and the rest of your Curst Crew, as the mad Bulls is served, so I will you aspesily, that is, hgh’s you; no more at present, but Dm you and your Curst Funkson all together; go and tell my Mother now that I am not hanged yet, to meake you a Lyer very soon I will. No more,

From your Cusin,

GEO. WARD.”

Why This Case Matters

This case is a stark reminder of the violence of early 18th-century crime:

  • Burglary was rarely quiet—it was often brutal
  • Firearms were used freely
  • Insider knowledge made homes vulnerable

But perhaps most striking is the portrait of Ward himself:

A man given opportunity—education, trade, family—
who instead chose a life of escalating crime, ending in execution.

Not every criminal story is one of desperation.

Some, like Ward’s, are stories of deliberate descent.

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Advice of the Day: Sneaking Food into the Cinema

Save money at the cinema by hiding snacks in increasingly implausible places, so no one thinks to check.

– The Sage

Cinema snacks are famously priced as though each popcorn kernel has been individually blessed. The Wise Sage recommends bypassing this entirely with a strategy of escalating absurdity. A small bag of sweets in your pocket is expected. A hot dog concealed in a rolled-up newspaper is less so. A full picnic stored inside a hollowed-out loaf of bread demonstrates real commitment.

For best results, behave with total confidence. Security rarely questions a person who walks in carrying a coat that appears to be making crunching noises. If challenged, simply say, “It’s medical,” and continue moving.

The Sage also advises synchronising your eating with the loudest moments of the film. Action scenes, explosions, and dramatic musical swells provide excellent cover for unwrapping, chewing, and the occasional suspicious rustling.

If all else fails, stare intently at the screen while slowly eating something clearly inappropriate, such as a full roast chicken. People will assume it is part of a performance.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for confiscated snacks, raised eyebrows, or being remembered as “that person” for the rest of the showing.

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Quote of the Day: Curiosity and Wisdom

“One of the most persistent myths of our species is that acute certainty is a sign of wisdom, when it is often only a lack of curiosity.”
— The Sage

Human beings have always been drawn to certainty. It feels safe, decisive, and reassuring — a firm answer in a complicated world. But The Sage gently challenges this instinct, suggesting that what we often admire as confidence may, in some cases, be something far less impressive.

An acute sense of certainty can close doors rather than open them. When we believe we already know, we stop asking questions. We stop listening. We stop learning. In this way, certainty can quietly become the enemy of growth, disguising itself as strength while limiting understanding.

The wiser path is rarely the loudest one. It is the path that remains open — to new ideas, new perspectives, and the possibility of being wrong. For a curious mind, uncertainty is not a weakness but a doorway. And it is through that doorway that real wisdom tends to enter.

— The Sage

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Angry Jokes

Anger is rarely productive… but it is occasionally hilarious. This collection of angry jokes takes life’s little irritations — stolen books, rising prices, and general human nonsense — and turns them into something far more useful: a decent laugh. Consider it therapy, but cheaper.

😂 Angry Jokes

  • I’m furious someone stole one of my Mr. Men books.
    That’s it. No more Mr Nice Guy.
  • I get irrationally angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.
    I just can’t take it.
  • I stubbed my toe and shouted, “What the duck!”
    Apparently, I was still guilty of fowl language.
  • Coffee, tea, and beer prices keep rising.
    There’s real anger brewing.
  • I used to have a terrible temper…
    Then I lost it. Still looking, actually.
  • My neighbour told me to stop banging on the wall.
    I got so angry I nearly knocked his door down.
  • I told my boss I was feeling burnt out.
    He said, “Good — at least you’re showing some fire.”
  • I once tried anger management.
    I didn’t like the tone of it.
  • I get so angry at autocorrect…
    It’s always putting words in my mouth.
  • I shouted at my kettle for taking too long.
    Now it just sits there… silently judging me.
  • I told my doctor I had sudden bursts of rage.
    He said, “That’s perfectly normal.”
    I said, “IT IS NOT.”
  • I got angry at a broken pencil today.
    Completely pointless.
  • I argued with a mirror this morning.
    It just kept reflecting badly on me.
  • I shouted at the TV for talking nonsense.
    It’s now applying for a job in politics.
  • I tried counting to ten to calm down…
    I got angry at seven for taking too long.

Anger, when properly harnessed, can move mountains — or at the very least, knock over a teacup with surprising authority. But when redirected into humour, it becomes something far more civilised: a quiet chuckle, a raised eyebrow, and the comforting knowledge that everyone else is just as irritated as you are.

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Quote of the Day: Hollow Men

“A man who rises in rank through blackmail may shine like polished aluminium, but he will always sound hollow when struck.”
— The Sage

There is a difference between appearance and substance. Some rise quickly, propelled not by merit but by manipulation — by pressure, by leverage, by quiet threats that never quite see the light. From a distance, their success may gleam impressively, much like polished aluminium catching the sun.

But The Sage reminds us that strength is not measured by surface shine. True character reveals itself under pressure, in moments of challenge, and in the quiet test of time. Those who rise through integrity tend to grow roots; those who rise through blackmail often build only a façade.

In the end, it is not rank that defines a person, but what sustains them once they arrive there. Substance endures. Hollow success, however bright, eventually echoes.

— The Sage

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