When you see someone crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut.
Seeing another person in tears can be uncomfortable. Do you offer sympathy? Give them a hug? Ask what’s wrong? The Wise Sage recommends avoiding all that emotional complexity by immediately introducing an entirely new reason for them to be upset.
Approach the distressed person with a concerned expression, glance thoughtfully at their hair and gently ask, “Is it because of your haircut?” This demonstrates that you have noticed their distress while simultaneously suggesting that their appearance is sufficiently disastrous to explain it. Few conventional counselling techniques achieve so much in a single sentence.
If they reply, “No!”, resist the temptation to apologise. Instead, look relieved and say, “Oh good. I wasn’t sure.” This ensures that although their original problem remains unresolved, they now have something completely different to worry about.
For particularly advanced emotional support, occasionally glance back at their hair during the conversation. Do not explain why. If they eventually ask, “What?”, simply reply, “Nothing… honestly.” This creates an atmosphere of uncertainty that can temporarily distract them from whatever was making them cry in the first place.
Should they reveal that they actually have just returned from the hairdresser, immediately change the subject. You have wandered into dangerous territory and no amount of Sage wisdom can save you now.
If the person begins crying even harder after your intervention, don’t assume you’ve made matters worse. Think of it as emotional multitasking. They may now be dealing with two problems simultaneously, which is technically twice as efficient.
Finally, remember that true friendship isn’t about having the right words at difficult moments. Sometimes it’s about knowing exactly which words not to say—and then saying them anyway.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for offended friends, cancelled social invitations, emergency visits to the hairdresser, or being told “THIS IS WHY NOBODY TALKS TO YOU.”
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