Advice of the Day: Playing Leapfrog with Unicorns

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

the sage

Leapfrog is normally a harmless recreational activity requiring little more than enthusiasm, flexibility and a friend prepared to crouch down while you hurl yourself over them. The Wise Sage would, however, like to remind readers that not every four-legged creature is equally suited to the role of participating obstacle.

The unicorn presents one particularly obvious design flaw. While horses offer a reasonably uninterrupted jumping surface, somebody has inexplicably fitted the unicorn with a large pointed horn precisely where an approaching leapfrog enthusiast least wants to see one. This should be regarded less as decoration and more as nature’s way of saying “perhaps choose badminton instead.”

Should a unicorn invite you to a game, politely decline. Do not allow yourself to be persuaded by phrases such as “It’ll be fine,” “Everyone else is doing it,” or “Just get a good run-up.” These are rarely heard immediately before successful decisions.

If you nevertheless insist on proceeding, always volunteer to be the unicorn’s obstacle first. This allows you to participate in the game while keeping the horn safely behind you. Unfortunately, you will eventually have to swap places, at which point The Sage recommends suddenly remembering an urgent appointment somewhere very far away.

Protective clothing offers surprisingly little reassurance. Crash helmets protect the wrong end, knee pads are optimistic at best, and wearing a suit of armour merely makes you heavier while airborne. Carrying a first-aid kit may demonstrate admirable preparation, but it also suggests you’ve already understood the problem and chosen to continue anyway.

Advanced players sometimes suggest approaching the unicorn backwards. The Wise Sage has considered this strategy carefully and concluded that it merely changes which hospital department will find the story amusing.

Ultimately, some sporting challenges are best left unconquered. Courage is knowing when to take a leap. Wisdom is noticing the enormous horn before you do.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for punctured trousers, embarrassing explanations in A&E, or being permanently banned from the Enchanted Forest Sports & Social Club.

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