Joke of the Day: Monday’s balding bag of bawdy balderdash ….

I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!

I’ve got his back for good.

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

I just back from Crete where I had a very brief visit to see the Labyrinth.

Was only a minor tour.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Nobody knows – it’s never been done before.

What’s white and can’t climb trees?

A Fridge.

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college?

Bison.

I’ve asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

My wife asked me how long I’d been chopping wood.

I told her I’d have to check my logs.

At first, my wife hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it…

Eventually, she came around.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily…

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera.

I had to interrogate a duck once.

Eventually, he quacked under the pressure…

Sneezed all over my toast.

Can’t believe it snot butter…

Which Icelandic singer/songwriter was named after an English city?

A. Norwich
B. York
C. Leeds

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.

I’m going to take it for a spin later…

It’s my brother’s birthday, he’s a bomb disposal expert.

Took him 6 hours to open his present…

My waiter asked if “would you like some fresh ground pepper on your pasta”.

“OK” I replied.

“Tell me when”.

“Before I eat it”.

I bought my wife a rocket for her birthday.

She’s over the moon!

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

I once made a belt out of £10 notes.

Turns out it was just a waist of money.

Quote of the Day: Legacy

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

Pericles

Pericles was an influential statesman, orator, and general in ancient Greece. He was born around 495 BCE and lived until 429 BCE. Pericles is often regarded as one of the most prominent figures in Athenian history and a key figure in the Golden Age of Athens.

Pericles rose to prominence in Athens during the 5th century BCE. He played a significant role in shaping Athenian democracy and strengthening the city-state’s political and cultural institutions. He championed the idea of democracy and believed in the power of the people to govern themselves.

Pericles was known for his exceptional oratory skills and delivered several influential speeches that inspired and rallied the citizens of Athens. He encouraged Athenian democracy, promoted the arts and literature, and sought to expand Athens’ influence and power.

Under Pericles’ leadership, Athens experienced a period of great cultural and intellectual flourishing. This era is often referred to as the Golden Age of Athens or the Age of Pericles. During this time, the city-state witnessed advancements in architecture, sculpture, drama, philosophy, and other areas of intellectual and artistic pursuits.

Pericles was also a military leader and played a vital role in the Peloponnesian War, a conflict between Athens and Sparta. Although the war ultimately resulted in Athens’ defeat, Pericles’ strategic decisions and leadership left a lasting impact on Athenian history.

Pericles’ influence and legacy extended beyond his lifetime. His vision and policies shaped Athenian democracy and contributed to its enduring influence on later democratic systems. His emphasis on the importance of culture, arts, and education left a lasting impact on Western civilization.

The quote “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others” emphasizes the idea that a person’s true legacy is not measured solely by physical monuments or external achievements, but rather by the impact they have had on the lives of others.

Rather than focusing on material possessions or superficial accolades, the quote suggests that the true measure of a person’s influence lies in the positive and lasting effects they have on the people they encounter and the lives they touch. It suggests that the impact we make on others through our actions, words, and relationships is what truly endures beyond our physical presence.

The quote invites us to reflect on the importance of how we treat others, the values we embody, and the contributions we make to the well-being and happiness of those around us. It suggests that acts of kindness, compassion, love, and support are what truly leave a lasting impression and shape the memories and experiences of others.

In summary, the quote emphasizes the significance of the intangible and meaningful aspects of life rather than material possessions or external recognition. It encourages us to consider how we can positively impact others and leave a lasting legacy through the relationships we cultivate and the positive influence we have on those around us.

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Advice of the Day: Money

A penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny spent is a lot more fun.

The saying “A penny saved is a penny earned” is a well-known proverb that encourages the importance of saving money. It implies that by not spending money and instead saving it, you are essentially increasing your wealth by the amount you would have spent. This concept promotes frugality and the idea of valuing and being mindful of your finances.

On the other hand, the phrase “A penny spent is a lot more fun” suggests that spending money can bring enjoyment, pleasure, or satisfaction. It acknowledges that money can be used to fulfill desires, meet needs, or experience enjoyable activities.

While both statements contain elements of truth, they reflect different perspectives on money and personal preferences. Saving money is essential for financial stability, future goals, and unexpected expenses. It provides a sense of security and allows for long-term planning. On the other hand, spending money wisely can bring happiness and fulfillment, allowing you to enjoy the fruits of your labor and experience life’s pleasures.

Ultimately, finding the right balance between saving and spending is a personal decision that depends on individual circumstances, goals, and values. It’s important to strike a healthy balance that allows for both responsible saving and the occasional indulgence in enjoyable experiences. Personally, I prefer spending!

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This Day in History: July 3rd

Here are ten interesting events that took place on July 3rd throughout history:

  1. 1608: The city of Quebec is founded by French explorer Samuel de Champlain, establishing one of the oldest European settlements in North America.
  2. 1775: General George Washington takes command of the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  3. 1863: The pivotal Battle of Gettysburg begins during the American Civil War, lasting for three days and resulting in a Union victory.
  4. 1884: Dow Jones & Company publishes its first stock average, laying the foundation for the Dow Jones Industrial Average, a prominent stock market index.
  5. 1890: Idaho becomes the 43rd U.S. state, joining the Union.
  6. 1938: American aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan are reported missing after their plane disappears over the Pacific Ocean during their attempted flight around the world.
  7. 1971: The famous American rock band, The Doors, officially disbands following the death of their lead singer, Jim Morrison.
  8. 1988: The USS Vincennes, a United States Navy guided-missile cruiser, shoots down Iran Air Flight 655 over the Persian Gulf, resulting in the loss of 290 lives.
  9. 2005: A terrorist attack takes place on London’s public transportation system, commonly referred to as the 7/7 bombings, resulting in the deaths of 52 people.
  10. 2013: Egypt’s first democratically elected president, Mohammed Morsi, is overthrown by the Egyptian military after widespread protests against his government.

These events highlight significant moments in history, including milestones in exploration, battles during wartime, the founding of states, notable cultural occurrences, and tragic incidents that had a lasting impact on society.

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Joke of the Day: Sunday’s shady shipment of shapely shenanigans

For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.

Drum roll, please.

It was the wife’s birthday yesterday and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I took the hint…

I got her a magazine rack.

BREAKING NEWS!

The family of a man who went missing after eating five tins of baked beans and two jars of pickled onions have made an emotional appeal for his return.

They said in a statement:

“Please don’t come back for at least a week.”

A new product has hit the supermarket shelves.

You can now buy ‘wildebeest pate’ endorsed by Frank Sinatra…

Start spreading the gnus…

My wife dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked, “where’s this stemming from petal?”

What do you call someone with no body and a nose?

Nobody knows!

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

What’s an element that isn’t on the periodic table?

The element of surprise.

If I ordered an axe from France and had it shipped,

I would have a foreign axe sent.

Child: “What is the most northern state of the US?”

Dad: “Ask your mum”

Child: “Thanks Dad, I’ll ask her”

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.

We had a big argument though, and now she won’t even give me the time of day…

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.

To make it look more classy.

There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.
2.
3.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I should have put it on aloha setting.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said, “Can u describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.

I am going to apply for a job as a waiter…

I could bring a lot to the table.

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This Day in History: July 2nd

Here are ten interesting events that took place on July 2nd throughout history:

  1. 626: The Avar and Slavic armies defeat the Byzantines in the Battle of Constantinople, marking a significant setback for the Byzantine Empire.
  2. 1494: The Treaty of Tordesillas is signed between Spain and Portugal, dividing the newly discovered lands outside Europe between the two countries along an imaginary line.
  3. 1776: The Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopts the Lee Resolution, declaring the American colonies independent from Great Britain, leading to the eventual signing of the Declaration of Independence.
  4. 1839: The first Canadian postage stamps are issued in Montreal, Quebec, and Toronto, Ontario, marking the establishment of Canada’s postal system.
  5. 1881: President James A. Garfield is shot by Charles J. Guiteau in Washington, D.C., leading to Garfield’s death on September 19, 1881.
  6. 1937: Amelia Earhart and Fred Noonan disappear over the Pacific Ocean during their attempted flight around the world, sparking one of aviation’s greatest mysteries.
  7. 1962: The first Wal-Mart store opens in Rogers, Arkansas, founded by Sam Walton, eventually becoming one of the world’s largest retail chains.
  8. 1964: U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1964 into law, prohibiting discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin.
  9. 1997: The Pathfinder spacecraft lands on Mars, marking the first successful Mars landing since the Viking 1 and Viking 2 missions in 1976.
  10. 2019: The United States women’s national soccer team wins the FIFA Women’s World Cup by defeating the Netherlands 2-0 in the final, securing their fourth World Cup title.

These events cover a range of historical, cultural, scientific, and sporting significance, showcasing the diversity of events that have occurred on July 2nd throughout history.

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Quote of the Day: Time

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.“

Heraclitus

Heraclitus was an ancient Greek philosopher who lived around the 6th and 5th centuries BCE in the city of Ephesus, which is now part of present-day Turkey. He is known for his profound ideas about the nature of reality, change, and the interconnectedness of the universe.

Heraclitus is often referred to as “Heraclitus of Ephesus” to distinguish him from other philosophers with similar names. Unfortunately, only fragments of his writings have survived, and much of his work is known through quotations and references made by later philosophers and historians.

One of Heraclitus’ central beliefs was that change is fundamental to the universe. He famously stated, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” This quote illustrates his idea that everything is constantly in a state of flux and that permanence is an illusion.

Heraclitus also emphasized the concept of “logos,” which can be understood as the underlying principle or order that governs the universe. He saw the world as a dynamic interplay of opposites, such as day and night, hot and cold, and harmony and discord, all held together by the logos.

His philosophical ideas were often expressed through enigmatic and poetic language, earning him the nickname “the Obscure.” Heraclitus’s work influenced many philosophers, including later Greek thinkers such as Plato and Aristotle, as well as philosophers throughout history. His emphasis on change and the interconnectedness of all things continues to resonate in various philosophical and scientific disciplines to this day.

The quote “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man” is a famous statement attributed to the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus. This quote captures his philosophy of flux and constant change.

The quote suggests that both the river and the person stepping into it are in a constant state of transformation. The river is always in motion, with the water flowing and changing. It is never the same from one moment to the next. Likewise, the person stepping into the river is also changing. Time passes, experiences shape us, and we are not the same person we were in the previous moment.

This statement emphasizes the impermanence and dynamic nature of existence. It highlights the idea that the world is in a perpetual state of flux and that nothing remains static. It challenges the notion of stability and encourages us to recognize and embrace the constant change and transformation that is inherent in life.

Metaphorically, the quote invites us to reflect on the transitory nature of our experiences and the importance of embracing the present moment. It reminds us that life is a continuous journey, and each encounter with the world and ourselves is unique and ever-evolving.

In summary, the quote emphasizes the idea that change is a fundamental aspect of existence, both in the external world and within ourselves. It encourages us to embrace this constant flux and appreciate the beauty and richness found in the ever-changing nature of life.

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Advice of the Day: Avoidance

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The phrase “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether” is a humorous twist on the commonly known saying “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.” While it may sound amusing, it is not necessarily good advice to follow in most situations.

Procrastination is generally not a beneficial approach to life. It can lead to increased stress, missed opportunities, and a sense of being overwhelmed when tasks accumulate. It’s usually better to tackle tasks and responsibilities promptly and efficiently.

While there might be certain circumstances where avoiding a particular task or action is justifiable or necessary, making a habit of avoiding things altogether can hinder personal growth and productivity.

Therefore, it’s advisable to prioritize tasks, manage time effectively, and strive to complete them in a timely manner rather than avoiding them entirely.

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The Sage and the foxes

In a land where wisdom blooms,
Lived a Sage, old and true,
His thoughts adorned like ancient runes,
With knowledge vast, a cherished few.


His eyes, like stars, held timeless tales,
A radiant light, guiding souls astray,
His voice, a melodic whisper, never fails,
To share wisdom, come what may.


But whispers travelled in the wind,
A secret tale the foxes knew,
The Sage’s wisdom, they wished to rescind,
For their own desires, they’d pursue.


With cunning eyes and slyest hearts,
The foxes formed a cunning plan,
To steal the wisdom, tear it apart,
And seize the power at their command.


Through forest glades and shadowed lands,
They stalked The Sage, their prey divine,
But The Sage, with his old and steady hands,
Knew their intentions, like a sparkling sign.



He stepped ahead with a humble grace,
Foresight glimmering in his ancient eyes,
Leaving trails that the foxes would chase,
Leading them astray, to their own demise.

He spun his tales and wove his lore,
Creating illusions in the twilight haze,
The foxes lured, with an appetite for more,
Ensnared by wisdom’s mysterious maze.


With each step closer, The Sage grew strong,
His spirit protected by the truths he held,
He sang the songs of right and wrong,
Guiding foxes lost, their plans dispelled.


The forest echoed with The Sage’s might,
As his wisdom spread throughout the night,
The foxes, humbled, retreated from the fight,
For The Sage’s wisdom, forever shining bright.


So, The wise old Sage, in the forest he dwells,
His knowledge safe from cunning foxes’ chase,
In his ancient heart, the wisdom swells,
A guardian of truth, in that enchanted place.

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The Sage gives counselling to a Seagull

In a coastal realm where seagulls soar,
A wise old Sage dwelled on the shore.
With flowing beard and eyes so keen,
He’d seen the world, its joys, and its spleen.


One day, a seagull with a troubled heart,
Fluttered to The Sage, seeking a fresh start.
Its feathers ruffled, eyes filled with fear,
Haunted by a memory that wouldn’t disappear.


“O wise Sage,” the seagull spoke,
“I’ve flown through storms, witnessed the smoke.
But a traumatic event shook my soul,
Now I’m lost, struggling to be whole.”


The Sage, with empathy, opened his ear,
Knowing the seagull’s pain ran deep and clear.
“Rest your wings, my feathered friend,
Let healing words and solace mend.”


“Take solace in the vast, endless sea,
Its rhythmic waves bring tranquillity.
Inhale the salted air, breathe it in,
Feel the tides wash away the din.”


“Embrace the sky, the endless blue,
Where freedom’s breath whispers to you.
Stretch your wings, reclaim your flight,
Leave the shadows of that haunting night.”


“Seek the company of seagulls like you,
Those who’ve weathered the storms, found breakthrough.
Share your tales, let voices intertwine,
Together, find solace, your hearts align.”


The seagull nodded, its spirit stirred,
Feeling hope and courage slowly interred.
The Sage’s words, like a gentle breeze,
Brought solace, a balm to the seagull’s unease.


With time and therapy, the seagull soared,
Regaining strength that had been deplored.
The wise Sage’s counsel, a beacon so bright,
Guided the seagull from the depths of its plight.


And so, The Sage continued his role,
Guiding souls back to being whole.
A beacon of wisdom on the shore,
Helping creatures heal, for evermore.

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