Monday’s moped of misfires ….

I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

I once got struck by lightning while sitting on the toilet!

That was a real shock to the cistern…

My Nan once gave me an abacus shaped like a castle for my birthday.

Well it’s the fort that counts…

I finally was able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes.

Let me tell you, it was no small feet.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminium Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys.

Aluminium Man just foils their plans.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

A kid asks his dad, “Do trees poop?”

The dad answers, “Where do you think number 2 pencils come from.”

Did you hear about the cop who fell and broke his radio?

He couldn’t get backup.

A burglar broke into our house last night.

I didn’t shoot him.

I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

My girlfriend said she would leave me because of my obsession with algebra.

Now she is my X.

My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.

I said, “On what grounds?”

What wears a fur coat in winter, and pants in summer?

A dog.

An old man sat down next to me on a park bench. “It’s nice out” I said to him.

“Yes. I think I’ll get mine out too.” he replies.

Thursday’s triumph of transgressions ….

You can listen instead!

Alligators can grow up to 20 feet.

But most grow four.

Kim Kardashian says that bees frighten her.

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

My girlfriend said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

I like how at the end of Hollyoaks a voice says “If you’ve been affected by any issues in this program, please phone this number.”

So I phoned and I said “Hello… I can’t act either”.

If I had a pound for every time I had an existential crisis…

Would it even matter?

When a girl changes clothes in front of you, she is really into you.

Or she hasn’t spotted you in the cupboard yet.

I offered the old woman next door £5 for a go on her Stenna stair lift…

I thinks she’s going to take me up on it.

Acts of extreme bravery:

• Racing into a burning building.

• Tackling an armed robber.

• Ignoring a woman’s text messages.

Females are super simple, with them yes means yes, no means yes, no means no and no means maybe but maybe means yes, and maybe means no.

My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.

I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.

I started crying at the Ryan Air check in desk .. just been charged more for emotional baggage.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

My mate has got a new girlfriend called Peg.

He met her online.

Wednesday’s whirlpool of wonderment ….

Listen – don’t read!

My favourite name for a planet is Saturn.

It has a nice ring to it…

I recently took some new photographs of Will Smith and they’ve just been developed….

They are the fresh prints…

“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”

“A Fender ?”

“No, she loved it…”

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…

So I called her Bluff…

I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.

How could I stoop so low?

So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.

Well, I’ve got some news for her.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off

with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

There’s no future in time travel.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant puns about Africa.

Kenya believe that?

Ghana miss her if she goes…

I’m not happy with our new sandwich toaster, we should have stuck with the old one…

Oh well, better the Breville you know…

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.

Tuesday’s carnival of custard ….

Not all maths puns are bad.

Just sum

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

No, I always give 110%”

My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

BREAKING NEWS!

Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.

Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…

My granddad always used to say; “As one door closes, another one opens…”

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

I applied for a job looking after the Australian marsupials at the zoo…

However I didn’t possess the necessary koalafications…

FUN FACT!

Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?

I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for £1000.

I thought that’s a bit steep…

I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup…

Imagine that!

You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee.

I’m thinking of giving my Shetland pony a Covid test…

His main symptom is that he’s a little hoarse.

Monday’s bag of balderdash ….

Today I decided I won’t drink anymore…

I won’t drink any less either though.

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

Can anyone remember?

What was the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

My grandad always said “don’t believe everything you hear”

It was great advice…

Or was it?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the gas board had dug up the pavement again.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

I’ve started my new job as a settee salesman today..

Sofa so good.

My mate’s gf was dancing on a table

“Good legs”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes, most other tables would’ve collapsed under that weight.”

English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Wednesday’s waterfall of wonderment …

My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu.

She makes me want to shout…

My wife asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’

I said ‘slim to nun’

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker.

So now I’ve got this annoying Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go!

My wife bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour.

I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me.

I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt…

Someone stole all my next door neighbours grass last night.

He’s out there now looking forlorn…

A bike in town keeps running me over…

It’s a vicious cycle.

What is the best kind of oil to massage your enemies with?

Turmoil.

I used to hate my job standing on one corner of the room, blowing air at people.

Now I’m a big fan.

I saw an onion ring…

So I answered it.

I’ve just been diagnosed colour blind.

I know .. it’s certainly came out of the purple.

I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.

He didn’t care.

I keep saying ‘Welsh rabbit’ instead of ‘Welsh rarebit’

Think I’m suffering from mixing my toasties…

I was just looking at my ceiling.

Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

Aristotle’s argument against democracy.

Aristotle’s argument against democracy – but was he right?

Aristotle believed the best type of government was by monarchy, or, at the very least, by aristocracy. Democracy was not to be encouraged! To better understand this seemingly somewhat outdated and extreme “right-wing” view, we must look at his philosophical reasonings for his proposition.

Aristotle linked politics with ethics and believed society’s ethics should come before an individual’s ethics. Ethics concern a man’s virtues, and Aristotle considered the greatest of all virtues to be magnanimity. Magnanimity is the virtue of being great of mind and heart, and is defined in the OED as “behaviour that is kind, generous and forgiving, especially towards an enemy or competitor.” And herein lies the first clue to his postulation on government – it is easier for a great ruler to be magnanimous than for a body of people to do so in a democracy.

Like Socrates and Plato before him, Aristotle believed that the job of a ruler was to rule, and to do other work would be a handicap in his industry as a ruler. And rulers should be philosophers. His tutor Plato had stated in his manifesto “Republic” that kings should become philosophers or that philosophers should become kings, and in reality, it was probably more likely that the former would happen.

An analogy to best describe Aristotle’s views on the supremacy of a monarchal government is that of the musical harmony created by an orchestra. The orchestra has only one conductor. This leader is responsible for the total musical output of the whole orchestra. This is his sole job, whilst playing no instrument himself. Each member of the orchestra has a particular job. On the command of the conductor, he is to play the instrument assigned to him (based on his individual merit and ability to play that instrument) only when instructed to do so. The lead violinist has a greater importance than the oboe player. As stated, the ability to play an instrument will vary amongst the orchestra members, and so the assigning of the instruments will be decided by determining the merit and abilities of the performers. If each player were to be given equal status, importance, and freedom to “go solo”, the resultant composition would be far from harmonious!

Analogies are imperfect ways to present arguments, and parallels between governments and states with those of musical ensembles may well stretch the elasticity of reason to breaking point, but I shall end the essay with a quote from the great man – “To lead an orchestra, you must turn your back on the crowd.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

Thursday’s tidal wave of trifle

Any guy who plays heavy metal at work…

Is office rocker.

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That’s when I realized I’d drugged the wrong glass.

My girlfriend bet me I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.

I thought to myself, that’s got to be worth a little flutter!

BREAKING NEWS!

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.

Police say the road is choc a block…

Frank Sinatra was once asked if he ever kept herons as pets…

Egrets? I’ve had a few…” he replied.

I just received a ‘Save the Date’ card.

I didn’t even know they were an endangered fruit?

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong…

I don’t judge.

Whatever floats your goat.

What moisturiser do Spanish bullfighters use?

Olay.

Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

What do you say to a man who’s just stole your gate?

Nothing. He might take a fence.

After giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn’t want any more.

Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day…

I said, “you disgust me.”

“Yes, we did.” they replied.

I used to work in a Russian napkin factory…

I was in the serviette union…

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

It’s the bear minimum.

The horse in the field.

The horse in the field – A metaphor about the past not equaling the future.

There was an old farmer who kept a horse in a field. It was a working farm but it wasn’t a working horse, the farmer had kept the horse for a long time for his children and grandchildren to ride. Now the horse was old and, this is the sad part of the story, as old horses do, he died.

Although the farmer didn’t need another horse, he thought it would be nice to get another horse. But he couldn’t get an old horse so he got a young colt. The young colt was not like the old horse; the old horse would spend all of his days in the middle of the field, this was not like the young colt.

So the first day whilst the farmer was working on the farm the young horse pushed against the fence, the fence gave way and the horse got out. The farmer had to stop his work, push the horse back in the field and push back the fence. This happened again two, three, four times and the farmer got angry and frustrated.

So on day two he got up very early, he went to the barn and got a single strand of wire and ran the wire around the fence and connected it to a car battery. The horse awoke and pushed against the fence as he had done before – Zap! The horse jolted back, but after a few moments pushed again with more force, ZAP! He tried it again three more times, he had to learn. Shocked and defeated he gave up for the rest of the day and just stood by the dangerous fence.

On day three he tried to push the fence again as it may have just been what happens on one day… Zap! He tried two times more and gave up and just stood by the fence. On the fourth day he remembered not to push against the fence but whilst looking over he got too close to the fence and Zap! He now learnt that even touching the fence would cause pain, so he stood a little distance away from the fence just in case.

On the fifth day he walked round and round the field next to the fence and with the carelessness of a young colt he brushed against the fence and Zap! He moved away from the fence.

On the sixth day he cautiously walked around the centre of the field, by the seventh day he just stood in the centre of the field… just like the old horse. This pleased the farmer.

A year went by, the farmer received his electricity bill (and we know about farmers and their money), he scanned through the bill and saw he’d been spending a lot more money. “Aaaaaaah” he thought to himself, “it’s because I’ve been charging that car battery”. So he continued thinking to himself… ”Hmmm… If I stop charging the battery the horse won’t know,” so he stopped the charging and the horse… didn’t know.

A few months went by and the pigs started to escape. The farmer knew what to do – he took the wire and the battery from the horse’s fence and wrapped it around the pig enclosure… He smiled, and in seven days, the pigs had learnt too. And the horse stayed in the middle of the field.

Another few months went by and the big storms came, (you know the sort – those storms that blow down fences and blow over wheelie bins) the storm blew over one whole side of the horse’s fence. The farmer went to repair it the next day but stopped. There was his horse, despite no fence – just standing in the middle of the field, so the farmer put his tools down and let the fence lay broken.

Another few months went by and now the cows needed re-fencing, so, to save money, the farmer took down the remainder of the young colt’s fence and enclosed the cows. The horse stood in the middle of the field.

With no barriers, no fences, no boundaries whatsoever, the young colt stood still in the middle of the field. The farmer smiled.

Eplilogue

A few months later an old travelling circus passed down the lane adjacent to the field in which the horse stood. You know the kind of travelling circus – the type with many brightly coloured caravans and horses of all sizes. And our young horse strode out of his field and joined this circus.

Several years later he sired a colt of his own.

What are our fences….what are our limiting beliefs … so old that we even forgot they were there?

Tuesday’s triumph of tittle-tattle …

How much room do you need to grow fungus?

As mushroom as possible.

Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.

I used to be addicted to eating soap.

But I’m clean now.

Did you know people are born with four kidneys?

It’s just that when they grow up, two of them turn into adult knees…

Need to find out the cost of buying one of those Elizabethan circular neck garments for a fancy dress party.

Can anyone give me a ruff estimate?

What’s the most helpful medical problem?

A cyst.

Who’s the genius that decided to call it “Emotional baggage”…

And not “griefcase”.

Dad is down at the car dealership, looking at potential choices. “Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman says:

“Car no do that. Car go road.”

I was really struggling to get my wife’s attention….

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection…

She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!