Joke of the Day: Friday’s flagon of funny stuff

Highlighter pens are going to be a real problem one day, mark my words…

People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest…

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs?

Lack-Toast Intolerant.

A bouncy castle owner has married a lady who runs a coconut shy.

They said it was fête that had brought them together…

I asked the vicar “Father, this is a really nice church, what period is it from?”

He said, “It’s Norman.”

I said, “Sorry Norman, this is a really nice church, what period is it from?”

My first ever job was working in Argos but I was completely hopeless at it and made lots of mistakes.

It was a catalogue of disasters….

I had a terrible nightmare that I was trapped inside a snow globe!

I’m OK though, just feel a bit shaken up…

I’ve just seen a guy running down the road with a cape on…

I shouted, “Are you a Superhero?”

He replied “No!! I haven’t paid for my haircut !!…”

Did you know that ants are the only animals that don’t get sick?

It’s true! It’s because they have little antibodies.

Dave drowned.

So at the funeral, we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in a fireplace…..

My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

My kid broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.

Now he wants to break three.

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

I left my job today.

I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.

He said, “Andrew, you’re fired.”

Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their fight?

They really don’t like each other that much.

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This Day in History: April 28th

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on April 28th throughout history:

  1. 1789: The Mutiny on the Bounty takes place.
  2. 1869: The First Transcontinental Railroad is completed.
  3. 1910: The first long-distance airplane race is held.
  4. 1923: Wembley Stadium is opened.
  5. 1945: Benito Mussolini and his mistress are executed by Italian partisans.
  6. 1967: Muhammad Ali refuses induction into the United States Army.
  7. 1969: Charles de Gaulle resigns as President of France.
  8. 1975: The last United States citizen is evacuated from Vietnam.
  9. 2004: The Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal is revealed.
  10. 2012: The Supreme Court of the United States rules in favor of same-sex marriage in the case of United States v. Windsor.

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Joke of the Day: Thursday’s wagon of witticisms

Just started a new employment blowing the whistle at the end of football matches…

It’s a full-time job.

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationery.

Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station, don’t know why, just started filling up.

Robin: The batmobile won’t start.

Batman: Check the battery.

Robin: What’s a tery?

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

I went into a pub and saw it was darts night.

Did a 180 and walked out.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backward.

I said y not?

What does James Bond’s doorbell sound like?

“Dong, Ding Dong”.

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross?

The other shakes his head: “No way, look at what happened to the zebra.”

I had a terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi.

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a tree.

Upon arrival at the tree he started swinging at the tree. “But, I’m a talking tree,” said the tree.

“And you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

What has 8 legs, 8 hands, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

These damn millennials…

Walking around like they rent the place.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t, I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a …

I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,

He told me he had taken a job as a postman.

He said it was better than walking the streets.

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Thought of the Day: Stars

A star could burn out and we wouldn’t notice.

It is theoretically possible for a star to burn out and we wouldn’t notice. Stars are incredibly large and distant, and it can take light years for their light to reach us. If a star were to burn out suddenly, it would take many years for us to see any change in its brightness. In fact, it is possible that a star could burn out and we would never know it.

However, it is also possible that we would notice a star burning out. For example, if a star were to burn out suddenly, it could create a supernova explosion. Supernovae are incredibly bright and can be seen from billions of light-years away. If a supernova were to occur in our galaxy, it would be a very bright event that we would not be able to miss.

So, while it is possible for a star to burn out and we wouldn’t notice, it is also possible that we would. It all depends on the circumstances of the star’s death.

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This Day in History: April 27th

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on April 27th throughout history:

  1. 1521: Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés defeats the Aztec army at the Battle of Otumba, Mexico.
  2. 1775: The Second Continental Congress authorizes the raising of a Continental Army to fight the American Revolutionary War.
  3. 1791: The French National Assembly adopts the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen.
  4. 1865: Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at the Battle of Appomattox Court House, effectively ending the American Civil War.
  5. 1904: The first Labor Party government is formed in Australia.
  6. 1941: Nazi Germany begins occupying Greece during World War II.
  7. 1945: Italian partisans capture Benito Mussolini at Dongo (Lake Como) and execute him the following day.
  8. 1961: Sierra Leone gains independence from the United Kingdom.
  9. 1992: Betty Boothroyd becomes the first woman to be elected Speaker of the British House of Commons.
  10. 1994: Nelson Mandela is elected the first black president of South Africa.

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s trunk of tomfoolery

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

Why don’t French people ever get two or more Easter eggs?

Because one egg is always un œuf.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.

The birds love it!

Apparently, diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.

My friend has just lost one of my Mr Men books.

No more ‘Mr Nice Guy’

I got covered in ketchup earlier today, from my head tomatoes.

Me: I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare…
Librarian: Which one?
Me: William

I’m really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

Here’s a picture of me with REM.

That’s me in the corner.

You know what’s really odd?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2.

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer.

What did sushi A say to sushi B when they met?

Wasabi.

I just Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant”.

It came back with “Page not found”.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.

It’s a step-by-step guide.

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This Day in History: April 18th

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on April 18th throughout history:

  • 1775: The Battles of Lexington and Concord are fought, marking the start of the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1856: The first issue of Harper’s Weekly is published.
  • 1865: Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at the Battle of Appomattox Court House, effectively ending the American Civil War.
  • 1898: The United States declares war on Spain, beginning the Spanish-American War.
  • 1912: The RMS Titanic sinks after striking an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean, killing over 1,500 people.
  • 1930: The first Academy Awards ceremony is held.
  • 1942: The Battle of Midway begins, turning the tide of World War II in the Pacific.
  • 1945: The United States drops an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, killing over 80,000 people.
  • 1968: Martin Luther King, Jr. is assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee.
  • 1978: The United States transfers control of the Panama Canal to Panama.

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Advice of the Day: Silence

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Silence is sometimes the best answer because it can prevent conflict. When we speak, we are often putting our own thoughts and feelings out there for others to see and hear. This can sometimes lead to conflict, especially if our thoughts and feelings are different from those of the other person. Silence, on the other hand, can help to avoid conflict by giving us a chance to think before we speak and to choose our words carefully.

Silence can also show respect for others. When we are silent, we are showing that we are listening to the other person and that we value their thoughts and feelings. This can be especially important in situations where the other person is feeling vulnerable or upset.

Silence can also give us time to think before we speak. When we are silent, we have a chance to process what the other person is saying and to come up with a thoughtful response. This can help us to avoid saying something we will regret later.

Finally, silence can help us to be more mindful of our words. When we are silent, we are forced to focus on what the other person is saying and to listen carefully. This can help us to be more aware of the impact of our words and to choose them more carefully.

Of course, there are also times when it is important to speak up. However, it is always good to be mindful of the potential consequences of our words before we speak. Silence is sometimes the best answer, and it is important to be aware of the benefits of silence so that we can make the best decision in each situation.

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Thought of the Day: Conversations

We all have an endless conversation with ourselves.

I believe that we all have an endless conversation with ourselves. This conversation can take many forms, from our inner monologue to our dreams. It is a way for us to process our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It can be a source of comfort, guidance, and creativity.

There are many different ways to think about this conversation. Some people see it as a dialogue between our conscious and subconscious minds. Others see it as a way for us to connect with our inner wisdom. Still, others see it as a way for us to create our own reality.

No matter how you choose to think about it, endless conversation with ourselves is a powerful tool that can help us to grow and evolve. It is a way for us to learn more about ourselves and the world around us. It is a way for us to find our own unique voice and purpose.

If you are not already having an endless conversation with yourself, I encourage you to start. It is a journey that will take you on a path of self-discovery and growth.

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Quote of the Day: Wisdom

“Knowledge is a process of piling up facts; wisdom lies in their simplification.“

Martin H. Fischer

The quote “Knowledge is a process of piling up facts; wisdom lies in their simplification” by Martin H. Fischer means that knowledge is simply the accumulation of facts, while wisdom is the ability to understand and apply those facts in a meaningful way. In other words, knowledge is about knowing what, while wisdom is about knowing how.

For example, someone who knows a lot about history may be able to tell you the dates of important events, the names of famous people, and the causes and effects of major historical movements. However, someone who is wise may be able to use this knowledge to understand the present and make informed decisions about the future.

Wisdom is often seen as a more valuable asset than knowledge because it allows us to make better choices and live more fulfilling lives. However, it is important to remember that knowledge is a necessary foundation for wisdom. Without knowledge, we cannot develop the understanding and perspective that are essential for wisdom.

Ultimately, the goal of education is not just to accumulate knowledge, but to develop wisdom. By learning about the world around us, we can gain the understanding and perspective that we need to make wise choices and live fulfilling lives.

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