Joke of the Day: Monday’s magnum of mischief …

To the person who stole my BBQ rotisserie last night…

What goes around comes around…

Gloria Gaynor invited six people round for dinner but one didn’t turn up.

“That’s OK,” she told her guests, “I will serve five…”.

At first, my wife hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it…

Eventually, she came around.

Beware, if you pee against an electric fence,

Urine trouble…

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now…

Ireland‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Wife: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective! I think we should split up”

Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”

When we first met, me and my girlfriend had sex in my car on the way home and it was pretty uncomfortable.

I wish we’d dropped my parents off first.

Which cheese can be used to hide a small horse?

Mascarpone!

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society…

I kept spilling the beans.

As understudy in ‘Elton John The Musical’ I thought I’d get my chance when the lead actor went sick but they chose someone else…

I’m still stand-in.

The thing I love the most about this weather is the short skirts and low-cut tops.

Although they do make me look a bit camp.

An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses.

The cashier hands the man all the money and then says “Got to ask, what’s with the CDs?”

He replies “It’s my disk-eyes”

I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.”

He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really? Thanks, boss, see you next week!”

My printer’s name is Bob Marley

It always Be Jammin’

Last month, my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone pillow and put it in the middle of the bed.

Since then, things have been…. Rocky between us.

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The Sage writes poetry

My difficult day called today,
A sadness that won’t go away.
The pain of love that’s lost its hold,
A heart that’s shattered, feeling so cold.



The memories of us still remain,
But they only bring me endless pain.
I’m left with a void that’s hard to fill,
Loneliness that feels so real.



The tears won’t stop, they flow like a stream,
My life has turned into a bad dream.
I’m lost without you, my heart’s in despair,
I’m trying so hard, but it’s too much to bear.



The world feels dark, so empty and bleak,
All I can do is sit and weep.
I wish I could turn back time,
To when you were mine, and everything was fine.



But now it’s over, the love is gone,
Leaving me with nothing but this song.
My difficult day called today,
A pain that won’t go away.

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Quote of the Day: Happiness

“Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.”

Ovid

Ovid, also known as Publius Ovidius Naso, was a Roman poet who lived from the first century BCE to the first century CE. He was born on March 20, 43 BCE, in Sulmo, a town in central Italy. Ovid is considered one of the most important figures in Roman literature and is best known for his narrative poem, “Metamorphoses.”

Ovid’s early works included love elegies, such as his collection called “Amores,” which explored themes of love, romance, and mythology. His poetry was characterised by its wit, charm, and lyrical style. Ovid’s most famous work, “Metamorphoses,” is an epic poem comprising fifteen books that retell various myths and legends from Greek and Roman mythology, focusing on the theme of transformation.

However, Ovid’s literary career took a dramatic turn when he was exiled by the Roman Emperor Augustus in 8 CE. The exact reasons for his exile remain uncertain, but it is believed to be connected to his involvement in some form of scandal or political intrigue. Ovid was banished to Tomis (modern-day Constanța, Romania) on the Black Sea coast, where he spent the rest of his life in exile. During this time, he wrote his Tristia (“Sorrows”) and Epistulae ex Ponto (“Letters from the Black Sea”), expressing his sadness and longing for Rome.

Ovid’s works, both before and after his exile, had a significant influence on later Roman and European literature. His poetry explored themes of love, mythology, and transformation, and his unique style and storytelling techniques continue to captivate readers today. Ovid’s impact on Western literature and art has been profound, with his works inspiring countless adaptations, translations, and interpretations throughout history.

The quote “Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all” expresses the idea that true happiness can be found by freeing oneself from mental burdens and worries.

In this context, “the chains which hurt the mind” refers to negative thoughts, anxieties, and concerns that can weigh a person down and cause mental distress. These chains metaphorically bind and restrict one’s mental well-being and overall happiness.

The quote suggests that breaking these chains and letting go of worrying can lead to a state of contentment and happiness. By releasing oneself from the grip of persistent worries and anxieties, one can experience a sense of freedom and peace of mind. It implies that happiness can be attained by consciously choosing not to be consumed by unnecessary concerns and focusing on positive aspects of life instead.

The quote encourages individuals to cultivate a mindset that is free from unnecessary mental burdens and worries, emphasising the importance of finding inner peace and tranquility as a path to true happiness.

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Advice of the Day: Cake

Keep your cake moist by eating it in one sitting.

The statement “Keep your cake moist by eating it in one sitting” can be classified as a form of humor known as sarcasm or ironic humor. Sarcasm involves using irony to mock or convey the opposite meaning of what is being said. In this case, the advice suggests that eating the entire cake in one sitting is a solution for keeping it moist, which is clearly impractical and contrary to conventional wisdom.

This type of humor often relies on the audience’s understanding of the absurdity or contradiction in the statement to find it amusing. The humor lies in the irony of the advice and the recognition that it is not a practical or realistic suggestion for maintaining the moisture of a cake.

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Thought of the Day: Cars

There are sidewalks in the movie cars but everyone is a car.

The movie Cars, created by Pixar Animation Studios, presents a fictional world where vehicles have anthropomorphic qualities and exist in a society similar to that of humans. In this imaginative world, the presence of sidewalks can be seen as a way to create a familiar and relatable environment for viewers, as sidewalks are a common feature in human cities.

While it may seem peculiar that vehicles in the movie would need sidewalks, it can be interpreted as a creative choice made by the filmmakers to help ground the story in a recognizable urban setting. The inclusion of sidewalks also serves a practical purpose within the film’s narrative, as the car characters can use them for various activities, such as walking, socializing, or simply interacting with their surroundings.

It’s important to note that in the world of Cars, the characters primarily move around using their own wheels and are not restricted to walking or using sidewalks like humans. However, the inclusion of sidewalks can be seen as a visual representation of the movie’s imaginative blend of car and human elements, creating a unique and visually interesting world for the story to unfold.

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This Day in History: June 5th

Here’s the corrected list of ten interesting events that took place on June 5th throughout history, listed in chronological order from oldest to newest:

  1. 1917: The American men’s basketball team wins the first basketball gold medal at the inaugural Inter-Allied Games held in Paris, France, during World War I.
  2. 1947: The Marshall Plan, a U.S. initiative to aid the recovery of Western Europe after World War II, is announced by Secretary of State George C. Marshall.
  3. 1967: The Six-Day War begins, as Israel launches a preemptive strike against Egypt, Jordan, and Syria.
  4. 1968: Robert F. Kennedy, a U.S. Senator and presidential candidate, is assassinated at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles, California.
  5. 1975: The United Kingdom holds its first referendum, in which the majority of voters choose to remain part of the European Economic Community (EEC), which later became the European Union.
  6. 1977: The Apple II, one of the first successful mass-produced personal computers, goes on sale.
  7. 1984: The Indian Prime Minister, Indira Gandhi, orders a military operation, known as Operation Blue Star, to remove Sikh militants from the Golden Temple in Amritsar, leading to a bloody conflict and later, her assassination.
  8. 1989: The Tiananmen Square protests in Beijing, China, come to a violent end as Chinese troops and riot police storm the square, resulting in the deaths of hundreds, possibly thousands, of pro-democracy demonstrators.
  9. 2004: Ronald Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, passes away at the age of 93.
  10. 2012: Venus, the second planet from the Sun, passes directly between the Sun and Earth, an astronomical event known as the transit of Venus.

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Joke of the Day: Sunday’s suitcase of sprightly shenanigans

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective…

We call him Sherlock Ohms.

My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday this Bank Holiday weekend.

Ta Pauline.

Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb.

I have to say, I still prefer custard…

New idea: invisible aircraft

I can’t see that taking off…

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Agad”

“Agad who?”

“Push pineapple shake the tree”

Some small aquatic mammals have escaped from the Zoo…

Otter chaos…

I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend more often lately…

It means a lot to her.

Studies have shown that cows will produce more milk when the farmer talks to them…

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder

Pirate: I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.

Doc: It’s ok, they’re benign.

Pirate: Count again, I think there be ten!

My dad brought me up single-handedly.

It’s not easy being the son of a pirate.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”

Heard there’s a place in France where people always wear clothing a size bigger than they need.

Some say its Toulouse

What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?

A knife

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Joke of the Day: Tha Sage’s Saturday swamp of sardonic satire.

My brother got stung by a bee on the forehead.

He’s at the ER now, his face all swollen and bruised; he almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I once went to a really awkward party in an igloo…

When I tried to break the ice it only made things worse.

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard.

He’d herd it through the grapevine….

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin.

Nice girl, a bit highly strung.

Working on a job installing bathrooms and lawn sprinklers at Sinead O’Connor’s mansion…

It’s been seven showers and fifteen sprays…

I’ve started using geese heading south for winter to shave small pieces of cheese.

They are migrating birds.

At an interview..

First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”

Me: “Not very good with numbers”

“The problem with quotes on Twitter is that you can never tell if they’re genuine”
Socrates 399 BC

Really happy to have sold my old caravan.

Exstatic.

I went to the best ever burger van today.

It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

Depeche Mode never have a fondue on the tour bus, because they prefer their own personal cheeses.

I just found out I’m colorblind.

It came completely out of the yellow.

My girlfriend told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore…

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me.

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”

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Quote of the Day: Books

“A room without books is like a body without a soul.”

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE – 43 BCE) was a prominent Roman statesman, philosopher, orator, and lawyer. He is widely regarded as one of the greatest orators and writers of the late Roman Republic. Cicero was born in Arpinum, Italy, and rose to prominence during a critical period in Roman history.

Cicero’s political career was marked by his involvement in various political offices, including serving as a quaestor, praetor, and consul. He played an influential role in the Roman Senate and was known for his eloquent speeches and advocacy of republican ideals.

Beyond his political activities, Cicero was also renowned for his literary contributions. He wrote extensively on a wide range of subjects, including philosophy, rhetoric, law, ethics, and politics. Some of his notable works include “On the Republic,” “On the Laws,” and “De Officiis” (On Duties). Cicero’s writings played a significant role in shaping Western political and philosophical thought, and his works continue to be studied and admired to this day.

Cicero’s life came to a tragic end when he was assassinated in 43 BCE as part of the political turmoil and power struggle of the late Roman Republic. Despite his untimely death, Cicero’s legacy endured, and he is remembered as an influential figure in Roman history and classical literature.

The quote “A room without books is like a body without a soul” is often attributed to the Roman philosopher and statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero, although the exact wording and origin of the quote may vary. The quote encapsulates the idea that books and reading are essential for the enrichment of the human mind and spirit.

The metaphorical comparison between a room and a body suggests that a room devoid of books is lacking an essential element, just as a body without a soul is considered lifeless. In this context, books represent knowledge, wisdom, and intellectual stimulation. They are seen as a source of inspiration, learning, and personal growth.

The quote implies that books have the power to bring life and vitality to a space, just as a soul animates a body. Without books, a room may feel empty, devoid of intellectual and emotional nourishment. It emphasizes the importance of reading and the profound impact that literature can have on individuals, their thoughts, and their connection to the world.

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Advice of the Day: Magnification

You can magnify your phone’s screen by putting it in a glass of water.

This advice comes with a tongue-in-cheek warning! Putting your phone in a glass of water is not good advice for magnifying the screen. In fact, it can be extremely damaging to your phone.

Submerging your phone in water can lead to significant water damage, causing malfunctions or rendering the device completely inoperable. Electronics and water do not mix well, and exposing your phone to water can result in irreversible damage to the internal components.

If you are looking to magnify your phone’s screen, there are much safer and more effective methods available. For example, you can use the built-in zoom feature on your phone or consider using external accessories like magnifying lenses or screen magnifiers designed specifically for smartphones.

Unless you have a waterproof phone of course!

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