Joke of the Day: Friday’s freight of festivities …

Went for a check-up and asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, Mercury is in Uranus right now.”

I said, “I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!”

He replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.”

I once went for a job interview to be the 4th band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me…

My dog was barking at everyone the other day.

Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?

I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour’s kids do is scream.

I’m seriously considering giving them back.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar…..

‘Round?’

‘Round?’

‘Get a round’

‘I get a round?’

‘Get a round…..

Why isn’t the Discovery Channel on a different channel every day?

Did you know that before the crowbar was invented…
Most crows drank at home.

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.”

Me: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

Me: I’m terrified of random letters!

Therapist: You are?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: I see.

I said to my boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

My boss replied, “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

I said, “Okay, I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

In college, I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of my life.

The DFS sale has been going on for so long that even Charles Dickens wrote a story about the time he went there.

The Tale of Two Settees.

When I die I want to be buried with my record collection.

It’ll be my vinyl resting place…

Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The sales asks, “Is your dad home?”

The kid replies, “What do you think?”

My wife said she’s going to leave me in the morning because I’m obsessed with Wham!

I said, “Wake me up before you go go!”

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay…

You have my Word!

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

Kilometery Cyrus.

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can’t wait to rub it in.

My wife and I were up all night arguing about whose turn it was to do the laundry.

At 2 am, I folded.

I recently bumped into the man who sold me my antique globe.

It’s a small world.

My friend said he’d seen another guy put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

I said I didn’t believe him.

Nobody’s got arms that long.

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The Sage and the Mouse

There was an old Sage so wise,
Who had a friend of a small size,
A little mouse, with eyes so bright,
Who visited him every night.



The Sage would share his cheese,
And the mouse would nibble with ease,
They’d sit together, side by side,
And enjoy the cheese with great pride.



The Sage would tell the mouse his tales,
Of wisdom and truth that never fails,
And the mouse would listen with great attention,
To everything The Sage’s would mention.

The mouse would ask, “What is the key,
To living a life that’s happy and free?”
The Sage would say, “It’s simple, my friend,
Just be kind and love to the end.”



And so, they shared their cheese and company,
With the greatest of cheer and never grumpy,
The wise old Sage and his tiny friend,
Living in harmony, until the end.

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Joke of the Day: Sunday’s saucer of saucy sardine secretions

I just changed my computer login password to ‘Alcatraz’ and now the ‘Esc’ button won’t work?

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.

Now I’m feeling cannelloni…

Gandalf came into my shop and asked “Do I get any money off for having this big stick?”

I said, “No I’m sorry, we don’t do staff discounts…”

A large oil company has announced that it is going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it’s BP.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.

I love felt tips.

Farmer: I love my job.

Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.

Farmer: What did you say to me?

Wife: You herd.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said

‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’

And I said ‘I careered off the road.

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.

This is their current induction process.

I read a horror story in braille, I could feel something bad was about to happen, but I didn’t see it coming at all.

My wife declared, “Bedcovers and duvets should only go on beds. All afghans need to be made of wool. Quilts are always made by grandmas. And all rugs belong on the floor.”

I told her she was making blanket statements.

Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?

I made myself a sandwich earlier.

My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

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Advice of the Day: Judgment

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quote “Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment” means that making mistakes and learning from them is an important part of gaining wisdom and developing good judgment. In other words, experience is often gained through making mistakes and learning from them, rather than simply avoiding mistakes altogether.

This quote emphasises the importance of learning from our failures and setbacks and using them as opportunities to grow and develop. It suggests that the road to success is not always a smooth one and that setbacks and mistakes are an inevitable part of the learning process. However, it also suggests that these experiences can be valuable in helping us to develop the skills and knowledge we need to make better decisions and exercise good judgment in the future.

While it is not necessarily encouraged to make mistakes, it is important to recognise that mistakes are a natural and often unavoidable part of the learning process. In fact, some of the most successful people in history have attributed their success to their ability to learn from their mistakes and use them as opportunities for growth.

Making mistakes can help us to identify areas where we need to improve, develop new skills and knowledge, and learn how to better navigate challenging situations. It can also help to build resilience and perseverance, as we learn how to overcome setbacks and continue moving forward despite obstacles.

That being said, it is still important to strive to minimise mistakes and learn from them in a constructive way, rather than repeating the same mistakes over and over again. It is important to approach mistakes with a growth mindset, recognising them as opportunities for learning and improvement, rather than as sources of shame or failure.

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Quote of the Day: Brevity

“Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few.”

Pythagoras

Pythagoras was an ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician who lived from around 570 BCE to 495 BCE. He was born on the island of Samos but later founded a school in the city of Croton in southern Italy.

Pythagoras is most famous for his theorem, which states that in a right-angled triangle, the square of the length of the hypotenuse (the longest side) is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. This theorem has been used extensively in mathematics, engineering, and science.

In addition to mathematics, Pythagoras also had a profound influence on philosophy, particularly in the area of metaphysics. He believed that the universe was governed by mathematical principles and that everything in the universe could be described in terms of numbers and mathematical relationships. He also believed in the transmigration of souls, or reincarnation, and his followers believed in a strict code of conduct that included vegetarianism and abstention from certain types of music.

Pythagoras and his followers made important contributions to many fields, including music, astronomy, and medicine. Although many of his teachings have been lost over time, Pythagoras remains an important figure in the history of mathematics and philosophy.

The quote “Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few” means that it is better to express oneself clearly and concisely rather than using many words to say something that could be said more effectively with fewer words. In other words, it is better to be brief and to the point than to be long-winded and use unnecessary words.

This quote emphasizes the importance of being able to communicate ideas effectively and efficiently and is often attributed to the philosopher and statesman, Pythagoras. It is a reminder that when we communicate with others, we should strive to be clear, concise, and impactful and that our words should carry weight and meaning.

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This Day in History: May 7th

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on May 7th throughout history:

  1. 558 – The dome of the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey collapses due to an earthquake.
  2. 1429 – Joan of Arc leads French forces to lift the siege of Orleans during the Hundred Years’ War.
  3. 1663 – The Theatre Royal in London, England is destroyed by fire.
  4. 1765 – The HMS Victory, a British warship, is launched.
  5. 1824 – Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, which includes the “Ode to Joy,” premieres in Vienna, Austria.
  6. 1915 – The passenger ship Lusitania is sunk by a German submarine off the coast of Ireland, killing 1,198 people.
  7. 1945 – Germany surrendered to the Allied Powers, ending World War II in Europe.
  8. 1954 – The French garrison in Dien Bien Phu, Vietnam, surrenders to Viet Minh forces after a 55-day siege.
  9. 1992 – Michigan ratifies a 203-year-old proposed amendment to the United States Constitution, making it the 27th Amendment to the Constitution.
  10. 2018 – The United States moves its embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, sparking protests and violence in Gaza.

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Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s bottomless bucket of jokes

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.

In another 3027 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Never shout into a colander.

It’ll strain your voice.

I took my driving test last week, the examiner was called Mr Gandalf…

I thought I did OK but he wouldn’t let me pass…

My bedside light has turned into a butterfly…

I didn’t know it was a larva lamp.

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.

An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats…..

I was up in the attic recently and found my granddad’s old wig-weaving machine.

It’s a family hair loom.

I once made a submarine out of polystyrene.

It didn’t go down very well.

[Interview]

“What are your strengths?”

Me: I fall in love easily.

“OK…what are your weaknesses?”

Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

How do you wash a pod of dolphins?

You use multi-porpoise cleaner.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Today I went to the toilet without my phone.

There’s 178 tiles in the bathroom.

I ate at the Mary Poppins Restaurant last night.

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

I’ve just spotted my ex-girlfriend standing on the other side of the museum.

I’m not going to go and say hi though.

There’s too much history between us.

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

If someone wants to say the word “motel” backwards…

Just letom.

Just read a book on the psychology of camping.

It was in tents.

I watched a movie last night where Patrick Swayze teaches a girl how to type on a keyboard.

QWERTY Dancing.

I baked a giant chocolate eclair yesterday but couldn’t finish it.

I’d bitten off more than I could choux.

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record.

It was his vinyl request.

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Advice of the Day: Sustenance

Always drink upstream from the herd.

The metaphor “Always drink upstream from the herd” means that it is better to take preventative measures and avoid potential problems before they happen. The metaphor originates from the practice of cowboys and ranchers who would herd cattle across rivers or streams. The metaphor suggests that one should always try to avoid drinking water that has been contaminated by the herd’s waste by positioning oneself upstream, where the water is still clean and uncontaminated.

In a broader sense, the metaphor can be applied to any situation where one wants to avoid the negative consequences of a potentially risky situation by taking proactive measures to prevent them.

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This Day in History: May 3rd

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on May 3rd throughout history:

  1. 1715 – Edmund Halley observes a total solar eclipse and accurately predicts the time of the next one in 1724.
  2. 1802 – Washington, D.C. is incorporated as a city.
  3. 1913 – Raja Harishchandra, the first full-length Indian feature film is released.
  4. 1921 – West Virginia becomes the first state to implement a sales tax.
  5. 1947 – Japan’s post-war constitution takes effect, establishing a parliamentary democracy and renouncing the country’s right to wage war.
  6. 1952 – The Kentucky Derby is televised for the first time, with Hill Gail winning the race.
  7. 1978 – The first unsolicited bulk commercial email (spam) is sent by a DEC marketer to ARPANET users.
  8. 1986 – The International Court of Justice finds the United States guilty of violating international law by supporting Contra rebels in Nicaragua.
  9. 1999 – The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above 11,000 for the first time.
  10. 2018 – North and South Korea agree to end their decades-long military standoff, cease hostile acts against each other, and pursue denuclearization.

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s tirade of trifles …

I’ve just been to a pub called “The Old Fiddle”.

I wouldn’t go there again though, it was a vile inn…

The first rule of ‘Cliff Richard Club’ is that we don’t talk anymore about ‘Cliff Richard Club’…

Puns about ‘Riverdance’?

I flatley refuse to post them.

Police have arrested a man allegedly caught stealing ballroom dancing dresses and shoes.

They are believed to be pressing cha cha charges…

Most ornamental figurines found in gardens are only 12 inches tall and wear red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact…

I bought a greyhound yesterday.

My mate said, “Are you going to race him?”

I said, “No, he’s much faster than me!”

My wife has insisted that I take up boxing and call her Adrian…

I think we’re going through a bit of a Rocky patch.

Loud laughing IS allowed in Hawaii, not just a low ‘Ha!’

My wife and I are both tightrope walkers.

We met online…

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

I was driving down the road when I ran over some hummus.

A little further on, I hit Taramasalata.

Then I saw a road sign: ‘Caution – dips in the road’

I met a girl with a pint on her head at the pub last night.

Her name was Beatrix.

Think your life’s tough?

Try buying a Wii in France.

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW!

Waltz classes aren’t going very well.

Two steps forward one step back.

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman, terrible surgeon.

My boss just announced he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have got a hunch it could be me.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, “Thanks!”

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

Dirty Derek the local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he’s decided to stick it out for another year!

So I went to the dentist.

He said “Say Aaah.”

I said “Why?”

He said “My dog’s died.'”

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