Mid-week Merriment

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…

I suck at darts.

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

I regret rubbing baked beans in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight…

No-one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…

I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…

I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs

They must be baking in there.

Just had a water fight on the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No-one’s a match for me and my kettle.

A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship

But there was no Chemistry

What does a house wear?

A dress.

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over and say 7up is lemonade.

Does anyone know the number of a vet?

My mate has been checking the room sizes in his new flat and the cat has suffered some head injuries.

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…

Crematoriums.

My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary…

I don’t know what he season her…

Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.

I ended up making an exhibition of myself…

What if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the cupboard…?

Mega Joke Bundle!

I bumped into the inventor of the globe last night.

It’s a small world…

I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.

“Shall we go for a coffee ?” “Yes, sounds good!”

“Ok then, Starbucks ?”

“No”

“Costa ?”

“No!!!”…

I think she was holding out for a Nero…

I’ve just found out that I’m being kicked out of the druids!

So ungrateful, after all the sacrifices I made for them too…

It is not appropriate to make a Dad Joke if you are not a Dad.

In fact it’s a faux pa…

Legend has it that Fred Astaire opened the oven door once and his treacle sponge exploded…

He had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails…

And the Lord said unto John

“Come forth and you will receive eternal life”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Exit signs – they’re on the way out aren’t they?

Just seen a bloke who looked like Sting in the red light district in Amsterdam…

He was getting a massage in a brothel.

I used to be a DJ at Stonehenge and Avebury but I no longer mix in those circles…

I had my driveway relaid yesterday by a lovely Scottish chap.

I’d just like to say, ‘Ta, Mac…’

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

Has anyone else ever used WD40 to get rid of mice?

It doesn’t work, but it stops them squeaking…

I once asked a bricklayer what his favourite ice cream was.

He said, “Walls…”

How can a shepherd tell which are his sheep?

He checks their baa codes…

My wife says she’ll leave me if I keep making marine animal puns…

I said “I don’t do it on porpoise.”

I spotted Ronnie O’Sullivan at the garden centre yesterday.

I think he was eyeing up a plant…

Russian snooker champion….

Inov the Red.

Is religion always synonymous with belief in the supernatural?

Did Comte’s religion of “Positivism” break this link?

Thoughts on whether belief or faith can be exclusive of a deity.

Find out more ….

British Humour

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I woke up this morning and there was a humming bird in my bed!

I’m sure she didn’t smell this bad last night.

Car of the year 2021 as voted for by the readers of Woman’s Own is….

A blue one.

The thing I love the most about this weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.

Although they do make me look a bit camp

Does anyone know what the Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday?

Aye Matey.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

What does a narcissistic cow say?

“Meeeee!”

In my spare time, I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”.

I thought, “That’s unlikely”… It’s a basic skill isn’t it….

Buddhism and the philosophy of compassion

A comparison of the philosophies of Schopenhauer and Shantideva

What do we understand by the term “compassion” and how does it differ from sympathy and pity?

Find out more ….

Friday Funnies!

I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day.

Roll on Monday!

Don’t talk to me about stealing clothes from washing lines…

I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt…

My girlfriend has just fell over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.

I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

I’ve got very sensitive teeth.

They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now…

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “On your CV, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”

I said, “That’s correct.”

He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”

I said, “No.”

I backed horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.

Last year Sir Paul McCartney was disqualified from The London Marathon.

He was banned on the run…

BREAKING NEWS !!

Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…

He has a history of violins…

I reckon I’m a wanted man for using too much coconut shampoo…

It’s like there’s a bounty on my head…

What do you call a Welshman with a biscuit on his head?

Dai Gestive.

Thursday Funnies!

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He’s the new temp.

Me: licking lips in anticipation I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don’t lick my lips again.

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

I just lost 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: ‘What’s the problem?’

The man says, ‘I think I’m becoming a kleptomaniac.’

The Psychiatrist says, ‘Here take these tablets and if you’re no better in a week…. bring me a 4K TV’.

What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?

One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.

What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but the frogs croaks every night.

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

Existentialist Philosophy

How did Sartre and Beauvoir explain the philosophy of existentialism?

Did Simone de Beauvoir improve on Sartre’s views?

What did these two giants of exististentialism agree on, and what did they not?

Find out more ….

Wednesday Jokes!

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next week.

There will be some big chouxs to fill when he goes…

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

The delivery driver asked me what time it was.

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

How to pirate any movie you like:

Rate it 3.14.

The job interviewer asked why they should give me the waiter’s job.

I said, “I bring a lot to the table”.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’

He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’

The female caretaker in my office block asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke marijuana….

I said no, I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman…

A duck goes into a pub and the barman says “Waddle it be?”

Tuesday Jokes!

I just got home and there was a voicemail from a ‘Johann Sebastian’.

Should I call him Bach?

The other day my pet pig slipped and broke his leg…

I had to call him a hambulance.

If everyone in the UK painted their car pink…

We would be a pink carnation.

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

I’ve been teaching hobbits how to play cricket.

Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper?

She said they’re old school and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

I went to the doctors.

The doctor said, ‘Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.’

I said, ‘Why?’

The doctor said, ‘I don’t like my neighbours’.

Am I going to complain about the British Botox clinic’s service?

No, I’m going to keep a stiff upper lip…

My local football team just signed an ex-RAF pilot to play for them.

I asked “Is it because he’s good in the air?”

They said “No, we’ve heard he’s amazing on the wing”.

If you’re learning to drive in Wales, do you need LL plates?

I was the first person to start installing trampolines on musicians tour buses…

Now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon!


So I asked the expert at London Zoo “Is my female centipede real or not?”

They said “Counterfeit.”

I should never have agreed to take that job trimming the hedges at Hampton Court maze…

I’m not sure I can get out of it now.

What do you call a dadjoke you made up yourself?

Home groan.