Some Jokes for Tuesday.

Please remember, for every Rich Tea biscuit, there are currently thousands of tea biscuits living in poverty…

My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.

We clicked straight away.

If you don’t sniff the air and go ‘Ooh – someone’s having a barbecue!’, are you even British?!

Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.

Me: And?

It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit.

Last year, I joined a group for anti social people.

We haven’t met yet.

I have sex daily.

Sorry, I mean I have dyslexia…

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down.

I’ve recently developed a phobia of elevators.

I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I have CDO.

It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

Rabbit hutch salesmen.

They’ll give you a run for your money…

I used to go out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle…

She smelt like a cricket bat.

I think the sun is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.

I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…

Monday Jokes

I spent hours trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…

It’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term, “One Hit Wonder”…came up with any other phrases.

My parents treat me like a god…

They don’t believe in me.

The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my eye out.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”

“Is this her first child?” he asked.

“No, this is her husband.”

My Twitter password has been hacked again…

This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…

I used to be in a band called ‘The Palindromes’.

Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.

I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.

No tern was left unstoned.

I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…

I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said “No”.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland…

Friday Jokes

Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb.

I have to say, I still prefer custard…

New idea : invisible aircraft

I can’t see that taking off…

Some small aquatic mammals have escaped from the Zoo…

Otter chaos…

Studies have shown that cows will produce more milk when the farmer talks to them…

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I have a step ladder;
I never knew my real ladder

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”

My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday this Bank Holiday weekend.

Ta Pauline.

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective…

We call him Sherlock Ohms.

Metaphor – The horse in the field

A metaphor about the past not equaling the future

Are we ruled by self-limiting beliefs? What are they and do we even remember how we got them?

Find out more ….

Philosophy Essay – Of Liberty and Law

Why do we have speed limits, and why do we have speed cameras?

Can we choose which laws we follow, and if everybody breaks the law does that make it alright? An essay on the pandemic and covid rules.

Find out more ….

Metaphor – The first day at school

A metaphor about self-fulfilling prohecy

How we talk to ourselves, our inner child, effects our emotions and outcomes.

Find out more ….

Here’s some jokes ….

I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill.

These are the darkest days of my life.

If the number 666 is considered evil…

Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line…

So I have to make every second Count.

My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!

We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch…

My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa.

It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.

And sure enough he was eaten by his favourite lion last Friday.

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbour is dead against it.

I said “Do you want a game of Darts?”, he said “OK

then”, I said “Nearest to bull starts”. He said “Baa”,

I said “Moo”, he said “You’re closest”.

You can never ‘run’ through a campsite.

You can only ‘ran’ as it’s past tents…

Me: “Excuse me, are these ‘genetically modified’ carrots?”

Grocer: “No, why do you ask?”

Carrot: “Yeah, why do you ask?”.

Some Jokes for Monday.

I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it’s terminal.

I said to my boss, “Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”

He said, “It’s May.”

I said, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

Just ordered a takeaway from the local Chinese.

I ordered a 7, a 13, a 21 and a 33, unfortunately I had to take them all back though..

They tasted odd.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it…

Then my illegal logging business is a success!

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

I hate people that always need assurance.

Do you know what I mean?

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”

I rang the number and told them I haven’t.

I like to help where I can.

Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar…

Followed by Batman.

I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.

I don’t know why, but I get a kick out of it…

A bloke just knocked on my door, I opened it and he was about 3 foot 3 inches tall…

I said “who are you?”

He replied “I’m the meter man”

I’m having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse.

Last five nights on the trot…

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Looking to understand if anyone else suffers from “I’m an insect syndrome”??

Just putting my feelers out…

Can’t believe I got fired on my first day as a signwirter…

Just watched a documentary all about Anne Boleyn…

There is no mention whatsoever of her sister Tenpin…

Friday’s Jokes.

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!?

It’s not the end of the world!

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

I think the girlfriend’s got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I’ve just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

Went to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night.

Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was mayhem.

My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.

I love felt tips.

My daughter keeps giving everyone in the house shocks from static electricity.

I’ve grounded her.

Due to a factory error, there’s a faulty batch of sun cream in the shops.

That’s going to cause a lot of red faces.

I had a goal to two lose stone by the end of the year.

Just three stone to go!

Just won my first cage fight!

The parrot didn’t know what hit it!

I went into a cake shop today and asked,
“Is that a custard or a meringue?”
She said “You’re not wrong, it’s a custard.”

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

He said “Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too”.

I could see the problem… Bat flattery.

I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.

He said: “Me? How?”

Jokes of the day.

Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves. Every time they put down a post.

Somebody takes a fence.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I read a dictionary

By 03:00 I was past caring.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.

I once dated a girl who had a six foot tall light switch in her bedroom.

It was a massive turn on…

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.

Do you want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?