Monday Jokes

To the Person who stole my glasses.

I will find you. I have contacts…

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that’s it’s perfectly normal to poop your pants.

He’s still making fun of me though.

I’ve recently developed an irrational fear of elevators.

I’m now taking steps to avoid them.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…

I told her to close the door five times on her way out!

I saw a van with a “No tools left in this van overnight” sticker on the back.

So I broke in during the day.

I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time consuming.

I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read ‘War and Peace’ in 20 seconds.

It’s only 3 words but it’s a start.

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando’s when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

First rule of Thesaurus Club.

You don’t talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club

I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style

I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.

She said “you’re not the only one”.

Some Chinese bloke pushed a little boat through my letterbox this morning…

Turned out to be junk mail.

Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards…

Will get a reward.

Would you believe it, they’ve cancelled my last anger management session without telling me!

I’ve never been so mildly irritated in my life…

My son wanted a bouncy castle for his birthday.

The man said the rental was £50 and the set-up was £1000.

I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

My left shoe says “I don’t smoke or drink”.

My right shoe says “I don’t do drugs”.

They are a pair of sensible shoes…

Welcome to Sea Life Bingo. Eyes down for your first number.

Clickety click, dolphin with a stutter.

Friday Humour.

3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.

There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.
2.
3.

I am going to apply for a job as a waiter…

I could bring a lot to the table.

At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him: “Are you a pole vaulter?”

He replied: “No I’m German but how do you know my name is Walter?”

I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur.

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2².

Why is the divorce rate so high with tennis players?

To them, Love means nothing.

I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

Thursday Jokes

Let’s ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make Britain grate again !

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my lounge.

I think it makes it look more classy.

At first my wife hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it….

Eventually she came around.

An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair…

Feeling sad as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I’ve had it for 25 years…

It’s the end of an airer.

Wednesday Wit

For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.

Drum roll please.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant.

The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

BREAKING NEWS!

The family of a man who went missing after eating five tins of baked beans and two jars of pickled onions have made an emotional appeal for his return.

They said in a statement: “Please don’t come back for at least a week.”

Someone has glued my pack of cards together…

I don’t know how to deal with it.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they’re actually pretty light.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest.

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage.

Employee: I don’t really care.

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

Tuesday Titters

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says “MOOOOO!”

The other cow says pretty much the same thing.

What did the Lawyer say to the other Lawyer.

We are both Lawyers.

How do crazy people get through a forest?

They take the psycho-path ….

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them

Velcro . . . what a ripoff.

My local green grocer has won a contract to supply root vegetables to the South African rugby team…

I thought ‘That’s a turnip for the Boks.’

For her birthday my wife wanted tickets for a cruise to Denmark to see The Temptations…

But instead I drove to Primark to get her four tops.

A big bag of jokes for Monday….

What I if told you….

…that you read the top line wrong.

At long last, I’ve got the job as Lighthouse Manager.

It took me ages to get to the top.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

As I handed my Dad his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

My girlfriend has accused me of not having any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.

The doc takes one look and he says, “Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here.”

The guy responds “this is just the tip of the iceberg.

What’s a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!

When it comes to cosmetic surgery…

a lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl…

My wife and I are both tightrope walkers.

We met online…

My wife insists she could see the face of Jesus in our tub of margarine…

I said “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha…”

We used to call my Grandad “Spider-Man”.

He didn’t possess any amazing superpowers, he just used to struggle to get out of the bath…

I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”

She asked, “Would you like to insure him too?”

I said, “No thanks, he can’t drive!”

What do I know about bonsai trees ?

Very little.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things…

“I went to Poole on holiday”

“In Dorset?”

“Yes I can thoroughly recommend it”…

I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her.

She just kept digging up the past…

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.

There’s no plaque.

Friday Funtime

Al Pacino is set to appear in a new film about a man who wins the World Knitting Championship…

‘Scarf Ace’

In laughter the L comes first.

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

I went to a psychic.

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: “Who is it?”

So I left.

That strange moment when you walk through a big spider web and instantly turn into a karate master.

People laugh at my car because it’s ugly and green.

But at least I avocado.

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The barman says, “I’m serving Narnia!”

They say to never go food shopping when you’re hungry.

But it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

Man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round..

What’s this: I / __ ?

The letter I falling over.

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

FUN FACT!

The first computer can be dated back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte, then everything crashed…

I’ve lent my pet chimpanzee the login to my Amazon account.

We are prime mates.

Police want to interview a man suspected of burglary wearing stockings and suspenders…

However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.

Netflix horror movies

A metaphor about movies and emotions

The movies we play in our mind result in the emotions we feel. Do you play horror movies?

Find out more …

Jokes of the day.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Andy?”.

I said “Ooh, I’ll just have one please”.

She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite”

“Alright” I said “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow”

What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

A toothless termite walks into a pub and asks ..
“Is the bar tender here?”

Two mice chewing on a film roll and one says to the other:

“I think the book was better”.

*** NOTICE ***

Can those attending tonight’s Kinky Sex Anonymous meeting please use the rear entrance.

Two blondes are talking

“I had a pregnancy test today” said the first.

Second said “Were the questions hard?”

Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?

You could be entitled to condensation

I’ve been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal..

I’ve written a book about sandpaper…

It’s a work of friction…

My Spanish bodybuilder friend told me he’s run out of protein powder…

I thought “no whey Jose’!”

Two dogs are sitting in a bar.

The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”

The second dog says, “Sure!”

The first dog says, “Knock knock.”

The second says…

“WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

The horse in the field

A metaphor about the past not equaling the future

Are we ruled by self-limiting beliefs? What are they and do we even remember how we got them?

Find out more ….