My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday.
Ta Pauline.
What do you call a camel with no hump?
Humphrey.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid, “what am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.
Then I was born.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!
In the end, he came around.
“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I went for an interview at IKEA.
The manager greeted me by saying “come in, make a seat.”
What’s green and not very heavy?
Light green.
Today I have officially been sober for 100 days.
Not like, in a row or anything..
Just in total.
Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank..
Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
The early bird might get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Half the people you know are below average.
Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do takeaways.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.
The barman asks, “Olive or twist?”
Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut…
The sign said; “Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”
Similes…
What are they like?
We don’t know much about Galileo.
He was a poor boy from a poor family.
My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder. He never liked to throw anything away.
He died in the war holding a hand grenade.
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again.
I’ve just been looking at my ceiling and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world…
It’s definitely up there.
They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience.
Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt that much…
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
My boss yelled and said “You’ve been late 5 times this week do you know what that means?”
Apparently “It’s Friday” wasn’t the correct answer
“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”
Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me.
I met my missus at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.
I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.
An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded.
I think it was a jihadi long legs.
Just got a birthday card, opened it up and a rice went everywhere!!
It was from Uncle Ben.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry.”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If you can’t hear a pin drop, there’s something wrong with your bowling.
It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.
I’m already dreading it…
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My wife and kids are threatening to leave me because of my obsession with horse-racing.
And they’re off!
