Joke of the Day: Tha Sage’s Saturday swamp of sardonic satire.

My brother got stung by a bee on the forehead.

He’s at the ER now, his face all swollen and bruised; he almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I once went to a really awkward party in an igloo…

When I tried to break the ice it only made things worse.

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard.

He’d herd it through the grapevine….

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin.

Nice girl, a bit highly strung.

Working on a job installing bathrooms and lawn sprinklers at Sinead O’Connor’s mansion…

It’s been seven showers and fifteen sprays…

I’ve started using geese heading south for winter to shave small pieces of cheese.

They are migrating birds.

At an interview..

First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”

Me: “Not very good with numbers”

“The problem with quotes on Twitter is that you can never tell if they’re genuine”
Socrates 399 BC

Really happy to have sold my old caravan.

Exstatic.

I went to the best ever burger van today.

It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

Depeche Mode never have a fondue on the tour bus, because they prefer their own personal cheeses.

I just found out I’m colorblind.

It came completely out of the yellow.

My girlfriend told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore…

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me.

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”

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Quote of the Day: Books

“A room without books is like a body without a soul.”

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE – 43 BCE) was a prominent Roman statesman, philosopher, orator, and lawyer. He is widely regarded as one of the greatest orators and writers of the late Roman Republic. Cicero was born in Arpinum, Italy, and rose to prominence during a critical period in Roman history.

Cicero’s political career was marked by his involvement in various political offices, including serving as a quaestor, praetor, and consul. He played an influential role in the Roman Senate and was known for his eloquent speeches and advocacy of republican ideals.

Beyond his political activities, Cicero was also renowned for his literary contributions. He wrote extensively on a wide range of subjects, including philosophy, rhetoric, law, ethics, and politics. Some of his notable works include “On the Republic,” “On the Laws,” and “De Officiis” (On Duties). Cicero’s writings played a significant role in shaping Western political and philosophical thought, and his works continue to be studied and admired to this day.

Cicero’s life came to a tragic end when he was assassinated in 43 BCE as part of the political turmoil and power struggle of the late Roman Republic. Despite his untimely death, Cicero’s legacy endured, and he is remembered as an influential figure in Roman history and classical literature.

The quote “A room without books is like a body without a soul” is often attributed to the Roman philosopher and statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero, although the exact wording and origin of the quote may vary. The quote encapsulates the idea that books and reading are essential for the enrichment of the human mind and spirit.

The metaphorical comparison between a room and a body suggests that a room devoid of books is lacking an essential element, just as a body without a soul is considered lifeless. In this context, books represent knowledge, wisdom, and intellectual stimulation. They are seen as a source of inspiration, learning, and personal growth.

The quote implies that books have the power to bring life and vitality to a space, just as a soul animates a body. Without books, a room may feel empty, devoid of intellectual and emotional nourishment. It emphasizes the importance of reading and the profound impact that literature can have on individuals, their thoughts, and their connection to the world.

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Advice of the Day: Magnification

You can magnify your phone’s screen by putting it in a glass of water.

This advice comes with a tongue-in-cheek warning! Putting your phone in a glass of water is not good advice for magnifying the screen. In fact, it can be extremely damaging to your phone.

Submerging your phone in water can lead to significant water damage, causing malfunctions or rendering the device completely inoperable. Electronics and water do not mix well, and exposing your phone to water can result in irreversible damage to the internal components.

If you are looking to magnify your phone’s screen, there are much safer and more effective methods available. For example, you can use the built-in zoom feature on your phone or consider using external accessories like magnifying lenses or screen magnifiers designed specifically for smartphones.

Unless you have a waterproof phone of course!

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Thought of the Day: Buildings

Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

The term “building” can be understood in two different senses. In one sense, “building” refers to the process or action of constructing a structure. In this context, it is used as a verb, such as “they are building a house.”

However, in the more common sense, “building” is used as a noun to describe a structure that has been constructed and is intended for human use, such as a house, office building, or skyscraper. This noun form is derived from the verb form but has taken on a different meaning over time.

The reason we still use the term “building” to describe a structure that has already been constructed is likely due to historical linguistic development and convention. The word has become established in the English language to refer to both the action of construction and the result of that action. It is similar to other words in the English language that have retained their original form even though their meaning may have evolved or changed over time.

So, while it might seem a bit counterintuitive, the term “building” is used to describe a constructed structure because it has become conventionally accepted in the English language to refer to both the process and the result of construction.

The word “building” has its origins in the Old English language. It can be traced back to the Old English verb “byldan,” which meant “to build.” The noun form “bylding” was derived from this verb and referred to the act of building or construction.

Over time, the spelling and pronunciation of the word evolved, and it eventually settled on the modern form “building” in Middle English. The word retained its meaning of a constructed structure, referring to a physical edifice created through the process of building.

The etymology of “building” can be further traced to the Proto-Germanic root “builthjaną,” which means “to construct” or “to erect.” This root is related to similar words in other Germanic languages, such as the German word “Bau” and the Dutch word “bouwen.”

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This Day in History: May 27th

Here are ten interesting events that took place on May 27th throughout history:

  1. 1703: Saint Petersburg, Russia, is founded by Tsar Peter the Great.
  2. 1813: American troops capture Fort George in Canada during the War of 1812.
  3. 1937: The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California, officially opens to the public.
  4. 1941: The British Royal Navy sinks the German battleship Bismarck in the North Atlantic Ocean.
  5. 1968: The Beatles’ album “The Beatles” (commonly known as “The White Album”) goes to number one on the Billboard 200 chart.
  6. 1995: The Bosnian War comes to an end as Bosnian Serb forces sign an agreement in Dayton, Ohio.
  7. 1999: The International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia indicts Slobodan Milosevic, the former President of Yugoslavia, for war crimes.
  8. 2016: President Barack Obama becomes the first sitting U.S. President to visit Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park in Japan.
  9. 2017: The world’s longest bridge-tunnel system, the Hong Kong-Zhuhai-Macao Bridge, linking Hong Kong, Macau, and mainland China, opens to traffic.
  10. 2020: SpaceX successfully launches its first crewed mission, Demo-2, to the International Space Station, marking the first time a private company sends humans into orbit.

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Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s wagon of wisecracks …

I’ve got a new joke about an umbrella but I think it might go over people’s heads…

I’m looking to hire a Chef who is very frugal with herbs.

No thyme wasters please…

I Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant”.

It came back with “Page not found”.

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’…

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

I’ve told my suitcases that I can’t afford a holiday this year.

Now I’m dealing with the emotional baggage…

‘Life is like a bunch of flowers’.

Florist Gump.

I keep having a recurring dream that I am turning into a joint of ham.

Might go and see the doctor, I hope I can be cured…

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

I hate being the only drunk person at a party!!

I’ve totally ruined my 5-year-olds birthday.

I asked 100 women what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower?…

They all replied, “How did you get in here?”

The inventor of the USB stick has died.

Thanks for the memory.

The bartender told me they are about to start Happy Hour.

So he asked me to leave

I’m a fisherman, and I’m dating a mermaid.

I met her online.

The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

My girlfriend said to me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up.”

I said, “Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.”

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.

I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

The English language is pretty strange and confusing.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,

I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.

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The Sage and his Chihuahua

In a realm of wisdom, a Sage so bright,
In a robe of white, his aura alight.
With gentle hands, he holds a brush so fine,
A pet chihuahua, Marvin, his furry divine.


Marvin, the chihuahua, small and spry,
With gleaming eyes that twinkle like the sky.
A trusted companion, loyal and true,
Together they embark on a dental rendezvous.


In a cosy abode, where wisdom resides,
The Sage and Marvin, their bond never hides.
With a pink toothbrush, soft bristles in hand,
The Sage tends to Marvin, a ritual so grand.


With patience and care, The Sage begins,
Brushing Marvin’s teeth, removing life’s sins.
Each stroke, a loving touch, a tender caress,
Ensuring Marvin’s dental health is The Sage’s success.

The chihuahua, Marvin, sits still and calm,
Trusting The Sage’s touch, a soothing balm.
With each gentle sweep, a sparkling sheen,
Marvin’s teeth, pristine, like a diamond’s gleam.


The Sage imparts wisdom, words that transcend,
As the pink toothbrush dances, a message to send.
“Care for yourself, little Marvin, with love and grace,
For health is a treasure that time can’t erase.”


The bond between Sage and chihuahua grows,
As the toothbrush uncovers the secrets it knows.
Marvin’s wagging tail, a joyous refrain,
In The Sage’s presence, his worries are slain.


In this sacred act, a lesson is taught,
That even the smallest beings should never be naught.
The Sage and Marvin, a duo so divine,
Teaching love, care, and grace, in this moment in time.


So let the wise Sage, in his robe so bright,
Brush Marvin’s teeth, their hearts shining light.
For in this simple act, their connection is pure,
The Sage and his chihuahua, their bond will endure.

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s tirade of trifles …

Opened a tin of paint and found model figures of King Arthur, Lancelot, and Sir Galahad floating in it.

The knights in white satin.

I’m appearing in a film being made about Greggs the Bakers.

I’ll be playing a small roll.

I thought it would be easy to balance a bucket of Tippex on my head…

I stand corrected…

The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’

I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’

Next year I’m going to give up using spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It’ll be Excel Lent.

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake?”

I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

What kind of fish is made from just two sodium atoms?

2 Na.

I’ve started a business where I weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small-scale operation.

I had a game of quiet tennis today.

It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket.

I’ve written a joke about Elton John.

It’s a little bit funny.

I just drank some WKD with ice in it.

It was wicked.

People tell me that my grammar stinks…

What do they expect?

She’s 98.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has passed away.

His funeral will take pla

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she’s in for a shock.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait, I typed that wrong…

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Why is manslaughter a crime?

Are men not allowed to laugh?

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19.

His name was Constant Teen.

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Advice of the Day: Cats and Bags

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

This is a proverbial expression that conveys the idea that revealing a secret or sharing confidential information is much simpler and more effortless than trying to undo or reverse the consequences of that disclosure.

The phrase uses the metaphor of a cat in a bag. When the cat is inside the bag, it is concealed and contained. Releasing the cat from the bag represents divulging a secret or letting confidential information become known. Once the secret is out, it is challenging or impossible to retract or undo the effects of that revelation, just as it would be difficult to put a cat back into a bag once it has been set free.

In a broader sense, the saying serves as a cautionary reminder about the potential repercussions of sharing sensitive or confidential information. It highlights the importance of discretion and being mindful of the consequences that may arise from disclosing secrets or private matters. Once secrets are revealed, the damage or impact caused by that disclosure can be extensive and irreversible.

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Thought of the Day: Tucking in

If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

The statement “If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.” does not make sense. The statement is a logical fallacy called a false dichotomy. A false dichotomy is an argument that presents two options as the only possible choices, when in fact there are other options available. In this case, the two options are “your shirt is tucked into your pants” and “your pants are tucked into your shirt.” However, there are other possible options, such as “your shirt is not tucked into your pants and your pants are not tucked into your shirt.”

Another way to see that the statement is false is to consider the definition of “tuck.” Tucking means folding or gathering something into a narrow space. In the context of clothing, tucking means folding the bottom of a shirt or blouse into the waistband of pants or a skirt. So, if a shirt is not tucked into pants, then it cannot be the case that pants are tucked into the shirt.

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