Just saw Prince Charles and Camilla heading for Cornwall on the motorway hogging the middle lane.
I had no option but to undertake them.
I passed the Duchy on the left hand side.
A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…
Doctors have said that he should be okay but he’s not out of the woods yet…
I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.
She said “how many years have you had it for?”
I said “15 Love”
WARNING: If you get a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
Plaese warm yu frends!
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
My lab partner invented a device that will steal other people’s ideas and then delete it from their memory.
Why didn’t I think of that?
To the person who hid my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle!…
Grow up.
Wife: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!
Husband: I ran out of money.
Advent Calenders….
Their days are numbered.
My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France…
I bought a book on eBay called “How to scam idiots on eBay”
That was 3 months ago, and it’s still not arrived yet!
95% of people are idiots.
I’m glad I’m in the other 15%.
I had a vasectomy so my girlfriend didn’t get pregnant.
All it did though was change the colour of the baby….
The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.
My girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”
I said, “Just ignore them.”
It turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute.
Totally blew my mind.
I said to my girlfriend, “I need to call the doctor today.”
She said, “Which doctor?”
I said, “No, the regular kind.”
One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.
She keeps trying to make me rave with her!
She won’t techno for an answer.
Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has died.
His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40
I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets but then I forgot..
So I went on a Refresher course
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
I was watching the ‘Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra’ last night and halfway through the bloke on the triangle disappeared…
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with astrology.
I guess I should have seen the signs..
I like the way the Earth rotates.
It makes my day!
My girlfriend is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on me.
He’s not dead, just very condescending.
My Son told me that I’m “not cut out to be a mime”.
“Was it something I said?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied.
My neighbours are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
A friend of mine thinks the story of how he got an orthopaedic shoe is hilarious but I think he’s built it up too much.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time.
They say that being a hostage is hard and mentally draining but…
I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish.
I can’t stop coming to conclusions.
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
The Sage Page 