Joke of the Day: Monday’s pungent packet of puns

If you say the word ‘gullible’ very, very, VERY slowly.

It sounds like orange.

Was driving down the motorway yesterday in a hearse.

Police pulled me over for undertaking.

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road…

A passer-by said, “There’s a pelican crossing up the road”.

I replied “I hope he’s having better luck than me”

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 women!

I was in the women’s bathroom.

I think my wife sells drugs?

As I was leaving the phone rang.

When I answered it the bloke on the other end said “Has that dope gone yet?”

A policeman with a sniffer dog said, “My dog tells me you’re on drugs!”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one with the talking dog!”

A dog walker was found dead in the local park, police have found the dog, but as of yet, they have no lead.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives me hope for our next generation.

I just slipped on the floor of the local library…

I was in the non-friction section.

What’s brown and runs around a field?

A fence.

I have no idea how she died, your honour.

All I know is she was alive when I buried her.

A man walked into the doctors.

The doctor said ” I haven’t seen you in a long time “

The man replied “I know I’ve been ill”

A man walked into the doctors, he said “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.

The doctor said “Well don’t go there anymore”

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly Squats

I told a joke on a Zoom Meeting and no-one laughed.

It turns out I’m not remotely funny.

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Advice of the Day: Circumspection

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

You should never corner something that you know is meaner than you because it will likely react aggressively to defend itself. When an animal or a person feels trapped and threatened, they may lash out and attack as a form of self-preservation. This can result in injury or harm to both parties involved. Therefore, it’s important to give space and avoid confronting something that you know is capable of causing harm. It’s always better to approach situations with caution and seek professional help if necessary, rather than putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation.

Instead of cornering something that you know is meaner than you, it’s important to try to create a safe distance between yourself and the animal or person. If you’re dealing with a wild animal, it’s important to give it space and not approach it. In case you’re feeling threatened, try to slowly back away without turning your back on the animal or running, which can trigger a predatory response.

If you’re dealing with a person who is acting aggressively, try to remain calm and non-confrontational, and avoid escalating the situation. Try to create distance between yourself and the person by stepping back, and if possible, move to a safer location. If you feel like you’re in immediate danger, call for help from a trusted person or emergency services.

It’s important to remember that in situations where you feel threatened, your safety should be your top priority. So, always stay aware of your surroundings, trust your instincts, and take appropriate measures to protect yourself.

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The Sage and the Pub


In the pub, there sat a Sage,
With wisdom that surpassed his age.
He sipped his beer, a pint so cold,
As tales of old he deftly told.



His beard was long, his eyes were kind,
And in his voice, a wisdom shined.
He spoke of life, of love, of pain,
And how to find peace in one’s brain.



His words were gold, his tales so true,
And soon the crowd was listening too.
They leaned in close to hear him speak,
As The Sage took another sip, so meek.



He spoke of joy and life’s sweet nectar,
And how to find it without a spectre.
The crowd was captivated by his grace,
As he took another sip of his beer with pace.



For The Sage, the pint was just a drink,
To help him ponder, to help him think.
And as he sipped, his wisdom grew,
As did the crowd, who now all knew.



So in the pub, with his pint in hand,
The wise old Sage continued to command.
For with his words and his beer so stout,
He brought the crowd both peace and clout.

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This Day in History: May 1st

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on May 1st throughout history:

  • 1851: The Great Exhibition opens in London, England. This was the first world’s fair, and it showcased the latest technological and industrial advancements from around the world.
  • 1886: A labor strike in Chicago, Illinois, turns violent, leading to the deaths of several workers. This event is commemorated each year as International Workers’ Day.
  • 1915: The RMS Lusitania, a British passenger liner, is sunk by a German U-boat off the coast of Ireland. More than 1,100 people are killed, including 128 Americans.
  • 1931: The Empire State Building opens in New York City. At 1,250 feet tall, it is the tallest building in the world at the time.
  • 1941: The first Navajo code talkers are recruited by the U.S. Marines. These Native American soldiers used their native language to create a secret code that helped the Allies win World War II.
  • 1941: The film “Citizen Kane” premieres in New York City. This classic film is considered one of the greatest movies ever made.
  • 1958: President Dwight D. Eisenhower proclaims May 1st as Law Day. This day is dedicated to celebrating the rule of law and the importance of an independent judiciary.
  • 1960: An American U-2 spy plane is shot down over the Soviet Union. This event sparks an international crisis and leads to the cancellation of a summit meeting between President Eisenhower and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev.
  • 1961: Fidel Castro bans elections in Cuba. Castro establishes a communist dictatorship that rules the island for more than 50 years.
  • 1997: The Labour Party wins a landslide victory in the British general election. This marks the end of 18 years of Conservative rule.

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Joke of the Day: Friday’s flagon of funny stuff

Highlighter pens are going to be a real problem one day, mark my words…

People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest…

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs?

Lack-Toast Intolerant.

A bouncy castle owner has married a lady who runs a coconut shy.

They said it was fête that had brought them together…

I asked the vicar “Father, this is a really nice church, what period is it from?”

He said, “It’s Norman.”

I said, “Sorry Norman, this is a really nice church, what period is it from?”

My first ever job was working in Argos but I was completely hopeless at it and made lots of mistakes.

It was a catalogue of disasters….

I had a terrible nightmare that I was trapped inside a snow globe!

I’m OK though, just feel a bit shaken up…

I’ve just seen a guy running down the road with a cape on…

I shouted, “Are you a Superhero?”

He replied “No!! I haven’t paid for my haircut !!…”

Did you know that ants are the only animals that don’t get sick?

It’s true! It’s because they have little antibodies.

Dave drowned.

So at the funeral, we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in a fireplace…..

My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

My kid broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.

Now he wants to break three.

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

I left my job today.

I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.

He said, “Andrew, you’re fired.”

Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their fight?

They really don’t like each other that much.

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This Day in History: April 28th

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on April 28th throughout history:

  1. 1789: The Mutiny on the Bounty takes place.
  2. 1869: The First Transcontinental Railroad is completed.
  3. 1910: The first long-distance airplane race is held.
  4. 1923: Wembley Stadium is opened.
  5. 1945: Benito Mussolini and his mistress are executed by Italian partisans.
  6. 1967: Muhammad Ali refuses induction into the United States Army.
  7. 1969: Charles de Gaulle resigns as President of France.
  8. 1975: The last United States citizen is evacuated from Vietnam.
  9. 2004: The Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal is revealed.
  10. 2012: The Supreme Court of the United States rules in favor of same-sex marriage in the case of United States v. Windsor.

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Joke of the Day: Thursday’s wagon of witticisms

Just started a new employment blowing the whistle at the end of football matches…

It’s a full-time job.

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationery.

Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station, don’t know why, just started filling up.

Robin: The batmobile won’t start.

Batman: Check the battery.

Robin: What’s a tery?

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

I went into a pub and saw it was darts night.

Did a 180 and walked out.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backward.

I said y not?

What does James Bond’s doorbell sound like?

“Dong, Ding Dong”.

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross?

The other shakes his head: “No way, look at what happened to the zebra.”

I had a terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi.

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a tree.

Upon arrival at the tree he started swinging at the tree. “But, I’m a talking tree,” said the tree.

“And you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

What has 8 legs, 8 hands, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

These damn millennials…

Walking around like they rent the place.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t, I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a …

I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,

He told me he had taken a job as a postman.

He said it was better than walking the streets.

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Thought of the Day: Stars

A star could burn out and we wouldn’t notice.

It is theoretically possible for a star to burn out and we wouldn’t notice. Stars are incredibly large and distant, and it can take light years for their light to reach us. If a star were to burn out suddenly, it would take many years for us to see any change in its brightness. In fact, it is possible that a star could burn out and we would never know it.

However, it is also possible that we would notice a star burning out. For example, if a star were to burn out suddenly, it could create a supernova explosion. Supernovae are incredibly bright and can be seen from billions of light-years away. If a supernova were to occur in our galaxy, it would be a very bright event that we would not be able to miss.

So, while it is possible for a star to burn out and we wouldn’t notice, it is also possible that we would. It all depends on the circumstances of the star’s death.

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This Day in History: April 27th

Here are 10 interesting events that happened on April 27th throughout history:

  1. 1521: Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés defeats the Aztec army at the Battle of Otumba, Mexico.
  2. 1775: The Second Continental Congress authorizes the raising of a Continental Army to fight the American Revolutionary War.
  3. 1791: The French National Assembly adopts the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen.
  4. 1865: Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at the Battle of Appomattox Court House, effectively ending the American Civil War.
  5. 1904: The first Labor Party government is formed in Australia.
  6. 1941: Nazi Germany begins occupying Greece during World War II.
  7. 1945: Italian partisans capture Benito Mussolini at Dongo (Lake Como) and execute him the following day.
  8. 1961: Sierra Leone gains independence from the United Kingdom.
  9. 1992: Betty Boothroyd becomes the first woman to be elected Speaker of the British House of Commons.
  10. 1994: Nelson Mandela is elected the first black president of South Africa.

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Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s trunk of tomfoolery

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

Why don’t French people ever get two or more Easter eggs?

Because one egg is always un œuf.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.

The birds love it!

Apparently, diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.

My friend has just lost one of my Mr Men books.

No more ‘Mr Nice Guy’

I got covered in ketchup earlier today, from my head tomatoes.

Me: I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare…
Librarian: Which one?
Me: William

I’m really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

Here’s a picture of me with REM.

That’s me in the corner.

You know what’s really odd?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2.

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer.

What did sushi A say to sushi B when they met?

Wasabi.

I just Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant”.

It came back with “Page not found”.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.

It’s a step-by-step guide.

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