How did Sartre and Beauvoir explain the philosophy of existentialism?
Did Simone de Beauvoir improve on Sartre’s views?
What did these two giants of exististentialism agree on, and what did they not?
Wednesday Jokes!
The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next week.
There will be some big chouxs to fill when he goes…
The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.
Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
The delivery driver asked me what time it was.
I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.
How to pirate any movie you like:
Rate it 3.14.
The job interviewer asked why they should give me the waiter’s job.
I said, “I bring a lot to the table”.
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody.
It was a Chinese restaurant.
I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’
He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’
The female caretaker in my office block asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke marijuana….
I said no, I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman…
A duck goes into a pub and the barman says “Waddle it be?”
Tuesday Jokes!
I just got home and there was a voicemail from a ‘Johann Sebastian’.
Should I call him Bach?
The other day my pet pig slipped and broke his leg…
I had to call him a hambulance.
If everyone in the UK painted their car pink…
We would be a pink carnation.
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
I’ve been teaching hobbits how to play cricket.
Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo.
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper?
She said they’re old school and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
I went to the doctors.
The doctor said, ‘Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.’
I said, ‘Why?’
The doctor said, ‘I don’t like my neighbours’.
Am I going to complain about the British Botox clinic’s service?
No, I’m going to keep a stiff upper lip…
My local football team just signed an ex-RAF pilot to play for them.
I asked “Is it because he’s good in the air?”
They said “No, we’ve heard he’s amazing on the wing”.
If you’re learning to drive in Wales, do you need LL plates?
I was the first person to start installing trampolines on musicians tour buses…
Now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon!
So I asked the expert at London Zoo “Is my female centipede real or not?”
They said “Counterfeit.”
I should never have agreed to take that job trimming the hedges at Hampton Court maze…
I’m not sure I can get out of it now.
What do you call a dadjoke you made up yourself?
Home groan.
The Philosophy of Karl Marx
What was Marx’s problem with capitalism?
Is greater state control of the economy the solutuon to a post Covid recession?
Karl Marx wrote extensively about the evils of capitalism – are these criticisms releveant today?
Monday Mirth!
If I had a pound for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…
I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What’s the friendliest polyatomic ion?
Bromate.
A clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus.
He is suing for funfair dismissal.
A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight.
They fought tooth and nail.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his dessert?
Because he was stuffed.
I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station..
I don’t know why..
I just started filling up.
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one in a while and one later.
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..
My life is a joke.
Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.
My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”
Nice man.
Made horrible tea.
Whenever I go to funerals, I always say “plethora”.
People tell me it means a lot to them.
That’s the 10th passenger today who’s called me a Terrible Bus Driver.
I don’t know where these people get off.
I always get nostalgic putting my car in reverse.
It really takes me back.
I just got hired at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.
I told him to grow a pear.
So I named my phone Titanic.
Now whenever I use Bluetooth it says that Titanic is syncing.
Friday Funnies!
I’m putting back together my band called ‘Bubble Wrap’.
All we do is pop…
I wasn’t expecting the pizza delivery guy to turn up tonight wearing a Gloria Gaynor face mask!
At first I was afraid…
During the recent toilet paper shortage I had to resort to using a calendar to wipe with…
I’m glad those days are behind me now.
I relabelled all the jars in my girlfriend’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said, “So you know how we finish each others’ sentences?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.
“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only four”
I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend; “I’m stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “
He said “Marooned”
I replied “Thanks, I’ll have a pint of lager then !”
I tried looking at the solar eclipse using a colander but I ended up straining my eyes…
So I went for a walk and suddenly this guy jumps out in front of me with a snake, he was playing music and the snake started dancing.
I thought “Well, that’s charming!”
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I had to interrogate a duck once.
Eventually he quacked under the pressure…
Thursday Funnies!
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…
Don’t buy it!
Someone called me pretentious the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….
I think he meant well.
My wife said to me “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”
I said “Well that’s 15, love…”
I just bought ‘Cluedo: Swingers Edition’
It turn out they all did it……in every room!
My wife is leaving me because I don’t believe in her tarot readings…
To be fair it’s been on the cards for a while.
I saw this homeless guy busking in the street…
He was singing…
“Take a jumbo cross the water,
Like to see America….”
I said, “That’s Supertramp !”
He said, “Thanks ! I’ve been practising….”
Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.
The bartender asked, “Olive or twist?”
I used to own a racing snail.
I thought taking it’s shell off would make it faster but it only made it more sluggish.
I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.
Wednesday Jokes!
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I’ve had it right up to here with them.
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang me room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
I went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.
He was so bad, a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.
She had to.
We’ve only got one chair.
My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel. I told him to steer clear.
I’ve just successfully bred a cross between a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I bet that’ll come back to bite me…
My friend was having difficulty feeding her baby with a spoon so I said “Try doing the ‘Airplane’.”
She said, “’Airplane’? What is it?”
“It’s a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that’s not important right now.”
“Doctor, can you hurry up and help me, I’m shrinking!”
“Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient…”
I’ve just seen a hammock for sale with 50% off!
I thought about buying it but even with that discount, I’m not that easily swayed…
I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend…
My best game of Scrabble ever.
My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…
Tuesday Quips
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’
He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
Once formed a band called the Sewing Machines..
Didn’t work out..
Couldn’t get a Singer …
FUN FACT !
If you lose a sock in the tumble dryer, it comes back as a plastic Tupperware lid which doesn’t fit any of your containers…
I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant.
Absolute game changer.
My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been cancelled.
Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…
My wife said “Come into the bedroom and I’ll put on that black lace number…”
I said “No thanks, I can’t stand ‘Agadoo’…”
I don’t approve of political jokes…
I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Monday Mega Joke Bundle
My Dad always used to tell me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”
He was a lovely man. Terrible geologist though.
My girlfriend just left me because of my obsession with cricket.
It’s really hit me for 6.
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry…
I’ll return.
What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?
Oboy.
When I was little my Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.
I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth.
I’m giving away my chimney for free.
It’s on the house.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it.
I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.
That’s a grave sign.
The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.
They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”
Never works on me, ladies.
What happens if someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they’re standing.
Prison may be just one word.
But to some, it’s a whole sentence.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one…
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective!, I think we should split up”
Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”
The Sage Page 