A big bag of jokes for Monday….

What I if told you….

…that you read the top line wrong.

At long last, I’ve got the job as Lighthouse Manager.

It took me ages to get to the top.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

As I handed my Dad his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

My girlfriend has accused me of not having any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.

The doc takes one look and he says, “Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here.”

The guy responds “this is just the tip of the iceberg.

What’s a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!

When it comes to cosmetic surgery…

a lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl…

My wife and I are both tightrope walkers.

We met online…

My wife insists she could see the face of Jesus in our tub of margarine…

I said “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha…”

We used to call my Grandad “Spider-Man”.

He didn’t possess any amazing superpowers, he just used to struggle to get out of the bath…

I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”

She asked, “Would you like to insure him too?”

I said, “No thanks, he can’t drive!”

What do I know about bonsai trees ?

Very little.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things…

“I went to Poole on holiday”

“In Dorset?”

“Yes I can thoroughly recommend it”…

I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her.

She just kept digging up the past…

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.

There’s no plaque.

Friday Funtime

Al Pacino is set to appear in a new film about a man who wins the World Knitting Championship…

‘Scarf Ace’

In laughter the L comes first.

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

I went to a psychic.

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: “Who is it?”

So I left.

That strange moment when you walk through a big spider web and instantly turn into a karate master.

People laugh at my car because it’s ugly and green.

But at least I avocado.

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The barman says, “I’m serving Narnia!”

They say to never go food shopping when you’re hungry.

But it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

Man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round..

What’s this: I / __ ?

The letter I falling over.

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

FUN FACT!

The first computer can be dated back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte, then everything crashed…

I’ve lent my pet chimpanzee the login to my Amazon account.

We are prime mates.

Police want to interview a man suspected of burglary wearing stockings and suspenders…

However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.

Netflix horror movies

A metaphor about movies and emotions

The movies we play in our mind result in the emotions we feel. Do you play horror movies?

Find out more …

Jokes of the day.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Andy?”.

I said “Ooh, I’ll just have one please”.

She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite”

“Alright” I said “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow”

What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

A toothless termite walks into a pub and asks ..
“Is the bar tender here?”

Two mice chewing on a film roll and one says to the other:

“I think the book was better”.

*** NOTICE ***

Can those attending tonight’s Kinky Sex Anonymous meeting please use the rear entrance.

Two blondes are talking

“I had a pregnancy test today” said the first.

Second said “Were the questions hard?”

Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?

You could be entitled to condensation

I’ve been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal..

I’ve written a book about sandpaper…

It’s a work of friction…

My Spanish bodybuilder friend told me he’s run out of protein powder…

I thought “no whey Jose’!”

Two dogs are sitting in a bar.

The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”

The second dog says, “Sure!”

The first dog says, “Knock knock.”

The second says…

“WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

The horse in the field

A metaphor about the past not equaling the future

Are we ruled by self-limiting beliefs? What are they and do we even remember how we got them?

Find out more ….

Mid-week Merriment

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…

I suck at darts.

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

I regret rubbing baked beans in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight…

No-one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…

I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…

I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs

They must be baking in there.

Just had a water fight on the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No-one’s a match for me and my kettle.

A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship

But there was no Chemistry

What does a house wear?

A dress.

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over and say 7up is lemonade.

Does anyone know the number of a vet?

My mate has been checking the room sizes in his new flat and the cat has suffered some head injuries.

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…

Crematoriums.

My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary…

I don’t know what he season her…

Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.

I ended up making an exhibition of myself…

What if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the cupboard…?

Mega Joke Bundle!

I bumped into the inventor of the globe last night.

It’s a small world…

I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.

“Shall we go for a coffee ?” “Yes, sounds good!”

“Ok then, Starbucks ?”

“No”

“Costa ?”

“No!!!”…

I think she was holding out for a Nero…

I’ve just found out that I’m being kicked out of the druids!

So ungrateful, after all the sacrifices I made for them too…

It is not appropriate to make a Dad Joke if you are not a Dad.

In fact it’s a faux pa…

Legend has it that Fred Astaire opened the oven door once and his treacle sponge exploded…

He had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails…

And the Lord said unto John

“Come forth and you will receive eternal life”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Exit signs – they’re on the way out aren’t they?

Just seen a bloke who looked like Sting in the red light district in Amsterdam…

He was getting a massage in a brothel.

I used to be a DJ at Stonehenge and Avebury but I no longer mix in those circles…

I had my driveway relaid yesterday by a lovely Scottish chap.

I’d just like to say, ‘Ta, Mac…’

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

Has anyone else ever used WD40 to get rid of mice?

It doesn’t work, but it stops them squeaking…

I once asked a bricklayer what his favourite ice cream was.

He said, “Walls…”

How can a shepherd tell which are his sheep?

He checks their baa codes…

My wife says she’ll leave me if I keep making marine animal puns…

I said “I don’t do it on porpoise.”

I spotted Ronnie O’Sullivan at the garden centre yesterday.

I think he was eyeing up a plant…

Russian snooker champion….

Inov the Red.

Is religion always synonymous with belief in the supernatural?

Did Comte’s religion of “Positivism” break this link?

Thoughts on whether belief or faith can be exclusive of a deity.

Find out more ….

British Humour

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I woke up this morning and there was a humming bird in my bed!

I’m sure she didn’t smell this bad last night.

Car of the year 2021 as voted for by the readers of Woman’s Own is….

A blue one.

The thing I love the most about this weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.

Although they do make me look a bit camp

Does anyone know what the Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday?

Aye Matey.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

What does a narcissistic cow say?

“Meeeee!”

In my spare time, I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”.

I thought, “That’s unlikely”… It’s a basic skill isn’t it….

Buddhism and the philosophy of compassion

A comparison of the philosophies of Schopenhauer and Shantideva

What do we understand by the term “compassion” and how does it differ from sympathy and pity?

Find out more ….