Thursday’s wagon of witticisms

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years.

I just can’t part with it.

Always try to be modest.

And be damn proud of it!

I keep dreaming that I’m swimming along a river in Paris.

I think I’m going insane…

What do you call a banana with eyes?

A binini.

Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns?

I’m trying to think of any words that have a duel meaning.

I just read that Rod Stewart has five drinks of tea a day, all of varying sizes.

The first cup is the deepest…

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ was better than ‘white bread’..

They were Hovis witnesses.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

Is it just me, or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!

We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch…

The results of the ‘Three Musketeers Football League’ are in:

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-4

I’m really happy with my vegetable patch.

I haven’t wanted a vegetable in weeks…

Did you know that AA Milne, the creator of Winnie the Pooh, had a smaller brother called AAA Milne…

Tuesday’s trolley of travesties ….

When I was a lumberjack I chopped down exactly 3,625 trees.

I know this because every time I chopped one down I kept a log.

The band 10cc have booked a vacation touring around Scottish lakes, however they are not looking forward to it…

They dread loch holidays.

Took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it. It was the same with Guinness and cider…

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his pram…

BREAKING NEWS !

The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes…

Police say the traffic is pretty stationery…

It only costs 1p to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.

To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.

I’ve been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament, but it’s not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

What type of people never get angry?

Doctors, because they have a lot of patients.

What do you call a dead musician?

A decomposer.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

What do we want?

Race car noises!!!

When do we want them?

Neeeooowwwww

I’ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!

£35,000 – £40,000

So I rang them and said, “The answer is -£5,000”

I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments.

I didn’t know she had a history of violins.

I’m gonna get a job cleaning mirrors.

It’s just something I could really see myself doing.

My car failed it’s emissions test today….

Fuming!

If you’ve never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

Last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

If you’re lonely, dim the lights and put on a horror movie.

After a while you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

Rehab Is for Quitters

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

I went Speed Dating once,

“Have you got any pets?”, one girl asked.

“Yeah, a goldfish”

“Any hobbies?”, she said

“Yes”, he loves swimming..”

My son asked me “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

I responded, “Yes we arson”.

I asked my wife to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one is just a spare I guess.

What do you call a short mother?

A minimum.

When is liberty worth fighting a revolution for?

Should individual rights take precedence over the collective good?

What were the views of English philosophers Hobbes and Locke?

Find out more ….

Monday’s magnum of mischief …

My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday.

Ta Pauline.

What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, “what am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.

Then I was born.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!

In the end, he came around.

“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying “come in, make a seat.”

What’s green and not very heavy?

Light green.

Today I have officially been sober for 100 days.

Not like, in a row or anything..

Just in total.

Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank..

Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

The early bird might get the worm,

but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Half the people you know are below average.

Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The barman asks, “Olive or twist?”

Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut…

The sign said; “Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”

Similes…

What are they like?

We don’t know much about Galileo.

He was a poor boy from a poor family.

My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder. He never liked to throw anything away.

He died in the war holding a hand grenade.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain again today?”

She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again.

I’ve just been looking at my ceiling and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world…

It’s definitely up there.

They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience.

Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt that much…

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

My boss yelled and said “You’ve been late 5 times this week do you know what that means?”

Apparently “It’s Friday” wasn’t the correct answer

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”

Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me.

I met my missus at an Arthritis support meeting.

You know when two people just click

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded.

I think it was a jihadi long legs.

Just got a birthday card, opened it up and a rice went everywhere!!

It was from Uncle Ben.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”

I said, “You’ll be sorry.”

He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”

I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

If you can’t hear a pin drop, there’s something wrong with your bowling.

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.

I’m already dreading it…

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

My wife and kids are threatening to leave me because of my obsession with horse-racing.

And they’re off!

Friday’s flagon of funny stuff ….

I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.

So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddads house…

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

Maybe

Where does a vegetarian go on holiday?..

Quornwall

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

My girlfriend left me today because I’m too insecure…

Oh wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

How do Mexicans stay warm?

They use chickens for heaters.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off.

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded?

There was de Brie everywhere.

What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain?

Camembert.

I once dated a girl with fiery red hair and a pale white thin body.

We met on match.com

Just had a water fight on the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No-one’s a match for me and my kettle.

There’s a guy on the phone who says he’s Jamaican, but he sounds Scottish.” said my secretary.

“That’ll be Jim Aitken.” I said. “Put him on”.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If anyone has any decent fish puns, please let minnow…

My wife likes it when I blow cold air on her when she’s too hot.

Personally I’m not a fan…

My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”

Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…

Thursday’s truckload of titters ….

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.

I never question myself.

Why should I start now?

My mate Sid’s been a victim of ID theft.

He’s now called ‘S’

Dentists are going on strike..

Brace yourselves.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The CEO of Ikea was elected President of Sweden this week.

He’s still assembling his cabinet…

I asked my dog what’s two minus two.

He said nothing.

I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician.

He keeps slamming The Doors.

I tried getting a doctor’s appointment today.

They said to me “How about 10 tomorrow”?

I said “Just one is enough”

Wednesday’s wagon of wisecracks …

Ladies, some advice, if he doesn’t appreciate fruit puns…

You need to let that mango.

I used to go out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle…

She smelt like a cricket bat.

After all these years, I’m finally ready to confess.

I let the dogs out.

Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men…

Due to the fact that they change them every 10 seconds or so.

I’m fed up with my mates, three times now they’ve agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me & then not showed up.

Here I go again on my own!

The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear’s picnic is said to be improving but he’s not out of the woods yet!

When I checked into my hotel I asked about the TV in my room.

“Is the porn channel disabled”?

No I was told, “It’s normal porn you pervert!”

I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon.

I’ll let you know…

Bought my mum a fridge for her birthday.

You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it!

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

Can’t believe the currant exchange rate!

He said – Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said – Well, you succeeded.

My wife is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…

‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’

My Grandad’s answer to everything was alcohol…

He didn’t drink, he was just terrible at quizzes.

What was Rousseau and Hobbes’ view of the ‘state of nature’?

Did Rousseau undermine Hobbes’ views on absolute rule?

Hobbes famously surmised that in the state of nature – life was ‘nasty, brutish, and short’, but was he right?

Find out more ….

Tuesday’s trunk of tomfoolery

I failed my Indian cooking exam because I wrote down ‘butter’ when I meant ‘ghee’.

I should have clarified.

Growing up my parents played Madness and The Specials constantly every day…

Ska’d me for life.

I once asked a bricklayer what his favourite ice cream was.

He said, “Walls…”

My girlfriend borrowed £100 from me.

When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly £100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

If you play an Ed Sheeran song backwards you’ll hear a message from Satan.

Worse still, if you play it forwards you’ll hear Ed Sheeran.

Took my goldfish to the chip shop and asked ‘do you sell fish cakes?’

‘Yes’ they replied.

Great because it’s his birthday.

What do the movies “The Sixth Sense” and “Titanic” have in common?

Icy dead people.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

I just bought a new blindfold,

can’t see myself wearing it though.

What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

People are sometimes curious enough to become facebook friends for a clandestine look at someone else’s boredom.

My Great Grandad helped build the lion statues in Trafalgar Square…

That really put the cat amongst the pigeons…

Monday’s pungent packet of puns….

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

To the scumbag that stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my shop!

I don’t know how you can sleep at night.

Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online…

Heinz’s site is a wonderful thing!

Rich kids have silver spoons.

Poor ones have Wetherspoons.

I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She’d lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

I have a phobia of abbreviations.

Laugh out Loud.

I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”

He said, “I think you mean constipated.”

I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement.”

How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?

It’s not hard.

Mental maths.

It’s the thought that counts.

The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three piece suite!

Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty

Put bet on 3 horses today.

Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times

Not one winner bloody winner!

I blame it on the bookie.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.

I gave my wife a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.

Well, I did promise her the earth…

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’…

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

I went to Kyoto for the ‘World Anagram Championship’…

Turns out it was in Tokyo.

I played in the Pearl and Dean corporate golf day once…

I scored par par par par par par par par par par par…