A metaphor about movies and emotions
The movies we play in our mind result in the emotions we feel. Do you play horror movies?
Jokes of the day.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.
It was a bit choppy.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Andy?”.
I said “Ooh, I’ll just have one please”.
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite”
“Alright” I said “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow”
What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
A toothless termite walks into a pub and asks ..
“Is the bar tender here?”
Two mice chewing on a film roll and one says to the other:
“I think the book was better”.
*** NOTICE ***
Can those attending tonight’s Kinky Sex Anonymous meeting please use the rear entrance.
Two blondes are talking
“I had a pregnancy test today” said the first.
Second said “Were the questions hard?”
Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
You could be entitled to condensation
I’ve been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal..
I’ve written a book about sandpaper…
It’s a work of friction…
My Spanish bodybuilder friend told me he’s run out of protein powder…
I thought “no whey Jose’!”
Two dogs are sitting in a bar.
The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”
The second dog says, “Sure!”
The first dog says, “Knock knock.”
The second says…
“WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
The horse in the field
A metaphor about the past not equaling the future
Are we ruled by self-limiting beliefs? What are they and do we even remember how we got them?
Mid-week Merriment
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…
I suck at darts.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
I regret rubbing baked beans in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight…
No-one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…
I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…
I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs
They must be baking in there.
Just had a water fight on the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No-one’s a match for me and my kettle.
A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship
But there was no Chemistry
What does a house wear?
A dress.
If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over and say 7up is lemonade.
Does anyone know the number of a vet?
My mate has been checking the room sizes in his new flat and the cat has suffered some head injuries.
I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…
Crematoriums.
My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary…
I don’t know what he season her…
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
What if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the cupboard…?
Mega Joke Bundle!
I bumped into the inventor of the globe last night.
It’s a small world…
I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.
“Shall we go for a coffee ?” “Yes, sounds good!”
“Ok then, Starbucks ?”
“No”
“Costa ?”
“No!!!”…
I think she was holding out for a Nero…
I’ve just found out that I’m being kicked out of the druids!
So ungrateful, after all the sacrifices I made for them too…
It is not appropriate to make a Dad Joke if you are not a Dad.
In fact it’s a faux pa…
Legend has it that Fred Astaire opened the oven door once and his treacle sponge exploded…
He had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails…
And the Lord said unto John
“Come forth and you will receive eternal life”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Exit signs – they’re on the way out aren’t they?
Just seen a bloke who looked like Sting in the red light district in Amsterdam…
He was getting a massage in a brothel.
I used to be a DJ at Stonehenge and Avebury but I no longer mix in those circles…
I had my driveway relaid yesterday by a lovely Scottish chap.
I’d just like to say, ‘Ta, Mac…’
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
Has anyone else ever used WD40 to get rid of mice?
It doesn’t work, but it stops them squeaking…
I once asked a bricklayer what his favourite ice cream was.
He said, “Walls…”
How can a shepherd tell which are his sheep?
He checks their baa codes…
My wife says she’ll leave me if I keep making marine animal puns…
I said “I don’t do it on porpoise.”
I spotted Ronnie O’Sullivan at the garden centre yesterday.
I think he was eyeing up a plant…
Russian snooker champion….
Inov the Red.
Is religion always synonymous with belief in the supernatural?
Did Comte’s religion of “Positivism” break this link?
Thoughts on whether belief or faith can be exclusive of a deity.
British Humour
I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.
I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
I woke up this morning and there was a humming bird in my bed!
I’m sure she didn’t smell this bad last night.
Car of the year 2021 as voted for by the readers of Woman’s Own is….
A blue one.
The thing I love the most about this weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a bit camp
Does anyone know what the Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday?
Aye Matey.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What does a narcissistic cow say?
“Meeeee!”
In my spare time, I help blind children.
I mean the verb, not the adjective.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”.
I thought, “That’s unlikely”… It’s a basic skill isn’t it….
Buddhism and the philosophy of compassion
A comparison of the philosophies of Schopenhauer and Shantideva
What do we understand by the term “compassion” and how does it differ from sympathy and pity?
Friday Funnies!
I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day.
Roll on Monday!
Don’t talk to me about stealing clothes from washing lines…
I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt…
My girlfriend has just fell over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.
I just sat back and watched it all unfold!
I’ve got very sensitive teeth.
They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now…
I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, “On your CV, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”
I said, “That’s correct.”
He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”
I said, “No.”
I backed horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
Last year Sir Paul McCartney was disqualified from The London Marathon.
He was banned on the run…
BREAKING NEWS !!
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…
He has a history of violins…
I reckon I’m a wanted man for using too much coconut shampoo…
It’s like there’s a bounty on my head…
What do you call a Welshman with a biscuit on his head?
Dai Gestive.
Thursday Funnies!
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He’s the new temp.
Me: licking lips in anticipation I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don’t lick my lips again.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
I just lost 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: ‘What’s the problem?’
The man says, ‘I think I’m becoming a kleptomaniac.’
The Psychiatrist says, ‘Here take these tablets and if you’re no better in a week…. bring me a 4K TV’.
What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.
What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.
What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but the frogs croaks every night.
Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.
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