Writing Jokes

Stuck in a writer’s block of boredom? Feeling the urge to pun-ish yourself with bad jokes? Welcome to the Scribbler’s Sanctuary of Silliness, your one-stop shop for humor related to the written word! We’ve got everything from groan-worthy puns about grammar to hilarious one-liners about the struggles of writer’s block. Whether you’re a seasoned author or a keyboard warrior just starting out, we’ve got jokes that capture the frustrations, triumphs, and sheer absurdity of the writing life. So, grab your metaphorical quill (or your laptop), unleash your inner critic (of bad jokes, that is!), and get ready to ink some laughter onto your funny bone!

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.

That’s a grave sign.

I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.

It was OK. Nothing to write home about.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

There’s no point.

For our chemistry exam, we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

I write songs about sewing machines.

I’m a singer songwriter…

I asked the librarian to recommend an author who writes dinosaur books.

“Try Sarah Topps,” she replied…

I started composing a song for Spandau Ballet, but then I found it hard to write the next line.

When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”.

I thought, “That’s unlikely”… It’s a basic skill, isn’t it….

If today has taught me three things, it’s that I should write more stuff down and two other things.

My wife asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me. It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.

I guess she’ll have to flip a coin. Heads or tales.

I’m going to write a novel set on an allotment…

I just need to find a decent plot…

I have been trying to write a new pizza joke but I can’t work out the delivery…

And there’s more…

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Quote of the Day: Greatness

“If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.”

Napoleon Hill

Napoleon Hill was an American author and speaker best known for his book “Think and Grow Rich”, which is one of the best-selling books of all time. Hill was an early proponent of the power of positive thinking and self-motivation as keys to success. He wrote several other books, including “The Law of Success”, “The Magic Ladder to Success”, and “Outwitting the Devil”.

This quote is encouraging people to strive to make a difference, regardless of the size of the task. It means that even if you can’t do anything big or grand, you can still make a difference by doing something small in an extraordinary way. It encourages people to strive to be the best they can be, even with small tasks.

The quote is a reminder that success and fulfillment can be found in the smallest of tasks, as long as they are performed with passion, dedication, and excellence. It suggests that one should focus on doing the best they can, with what they have, regardless of the scale of the task or project. The idea is that by doing even the smallest tasks with care and attention to detail, one can make a big impact and create something truly great. So, the quote encourages individuals to strive for greatness in everything they do, no matter how big or small, and to approach every task with a positive attitude and a sense of purpose.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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The Sage and the Birthday Cake


A wise old Sage with wrinkles deep,
Sat by a cake with candles lit,
With gentle breath he blew them out,
And shared the secrets of his wit.



His eyes like jewels, sparkling bright,
He spoke of life, love and fate,
Of how to find true happiness,
And how in life to navigate.



He spoke of hope and peace and grace,
And how to hold them in our heart,
Of how to let go of our fears,
And make a fresh and brand new start.



The candles flickered, danced and died,
But in their place, a light still blinding,
For in The Sage’s words we found,
A path that forever will be winding.



So blow out the candles, old and wise,
And make a wish upon this night,
For in The Sage’s words we find,
The guidance to make things right.


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Advice of the Day: Breakfast

It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.

It is commonly believed that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, as it provides the energy and nutrients needed to start the day on the right foot after a night of fasting. Eating a nutritious breakfast can help improve focus, concentration, and overall performance throughout the morning, and may also help regulate hunger and prevent overeating later in the day. However, the importance of any meal can vary depending on an individual’s specific nutritional needs, lifestyle, and dietary preferences.

So could we save time and money further to get down to just one meal a day?

It would be challenging to meet all of your nutritional needs with just one meal a day. Ideally, you should aim to have a balanced diet that includes a variety of foods from different food groups to ensure that you are getting the nutrients your body needs.

If you are limited to only one meal a day, a nutritious and balanced option would be a meal that includes:

  • A source of lean protein, such as chicken, fish, tofu, or legumes
  • Complex carbohydrates, such as brown rice, whole grain bread, or sweet potatoes
  • A variety of colorful vegetables, such as leafy greens, carrots, bell peppers, and tomatoes
  • Healthy fats, such as avocado, nuts, seeds, or olive oil
  • A serving of fruit for added vitamins, minerals, and fiber
  • Additionally, consider including a source of calcium, such as dairy or calcium-fortified plant-based milk, and iron-rich foods, such as spinach or red meat, to help meet your daily requirements for these important nutrients.

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Thought of the Day: Daydreams

Can you daydream at night?

A daydream is more of an idle thought or fantasy that takes place during the day, while a night dream is a vivid, often surreal dream that occurs during sleep.

Here are some interesting facts on daydreaming:

  1. Daydreams can help you relax and relieve stress.
  2. Daydreaming can help boost creativity and problem-solving.
  3. Daydreaming can help you gain insight into yourself, your goals, and your values.
  4. Studies have shown that people who daydream more tend to have higher IQs.
  5. Daydreaming can help you gain new perspectives and ideas.
  6. Daydreaming can help you become more productive in the long run.
  7. Daydreaming can help you become more mindful and aware of your environment.
  8. Daydreaming has been linked to increased happiness and increased life satisfaction.
  9. Daydreaming can help you become more resilient to stress and adversity.
  10. Daydreaming can help you develop better relationships with others.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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The Sage and The Wrestling Monkey


A wise old man, with wisdom sage,
once met a monkey in a wrestling cage.
The monkey fierce, and muscle bound,
was ready for the fight, to astound.



The Sage approached him with a smile,
“Monkey, why do you grapple and pile?
Is it for fame, or wealth, the wish to devour?
Or is there something else you empower?”



The monkey looked at him with surprise,
He never thought of a man so wise.
“I do it for the thrill, the rush, the fight,
I do it to prove my strength and might.”



The Sage looked on with a steady gaze,
and said “My friend, your strength amaze.
But true power comes from within,
not just the force of your body’s spin.”



The monkey scratched his head in confusion,
not sure of The Sage’s conclusion.
“What do you mean, oh wise old Sage?
I thought my strength was the key to the cage.”



The Sage replied, “It’s true, you’re strong,
but true victory is where you belong.
In your heart, where courage dwells,
that’s where true power truly excels.”



The monkey thought about the Sage’s words,
and in that moment, his focus blurred.
He realized that The Sage was right,
and in his heart, true power would ignite.



With newfound strength, he left the ring,
and in that moment, his spirit did sing.
He left the match, with grace and might,
and now he knew, true victory was in sight.



The Sage and monkey parted ways,
but the lesson of The Sage will always stay
With the monkey, now wise and bold,
A story that will forever be told.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Joke of the Day: Friends

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill.

I’ve sent him a Get Well Soon card.

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective…

We call him Sherlock Ohms.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said “No”.

I said to my friend, “My wife keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?” #

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!

In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill..

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…

I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake ?”

I replied “Not you as well !!”

My mate has a new girlfriend who works as a bin lady.

The trouble is he can never remember if he’s taking her out on a Wednesday or a Thursday…

On my tombstone I want it to say:

“I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends”

A dermatologist friend of mine started his career from scratch.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.

“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only four”

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.

He’s got back issues.

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

I’m off cheese hunting at the weekend, it’s going to be great.

Just me and my friend, shooting the bries…

My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…

I told him to calm down and not to fret.

I visited my new friend in his apartment.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out.

I hate visitors.

My friend said I couldn’t make up any puns about Cuba.

I said, “You’re Havana laugh mate!”

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

My friend has lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on his head.

It’s a new loaf hat diet he’s trying.

My friend got a pet beaver and has called him Clint.

Clint Eatswood.

Yesterday one of my best friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

My friends were amazed when I told them I can predict the future using herbs.

“Is it true?” they asked.

“Only thyme will tell”, I replied.

I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend more often lately…

It means a lot to him.

My friend Joe recently went on the ‘Dolly Parton diet.’

It really made Joe lean…

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

People are sometimes curious enough to become Facebook friends for a clandestine look at someone else’s boredom.

A friend of mine has just graduated from ballet school with a 2:2.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France…

One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.

She keeps trying to make me rave with her!

She won’t techno for an answer.

A friend of mine thinks the story of how he got an orthopaedic shoe is hilarious but I think he’s built it up too much.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!

In the end, he came around.

The three things I’m grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn’t complain.

I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day…

I said, “you disgust me.”

“Yes, we did.” they replied.

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

I have a friend that sells second-hand mountaineering equipment…

It’s money for old rope.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning.

I can’t believe Gaviscon.

All my friends keep saying that my new wife is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

Elton John wanted to send his friends an invite to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn’t find the right phrase…

Soiree seems to be the hardest word.

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.

My money’s on Dave.

My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression…

I thought, ‘that’s got to be worth a little flutter’…

People saying “BOO!!!” to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year…

That’s a frightening statistic.

My friend has written a book about equine dentistry. I asked him how he found his information and he told me it was straight from the horses mouth…

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat. In the end, he came around.

A friend asked me to re-turf a field so that they could carry out a civil war re-enactment…

I thought “Sod that for a game of soldiers!”

Last year I got booed by my family and friends because the fireworks I lit went off in the wrong sequence…

Bang out of order.

My imaginary friend is staying this weekend.

I’ve made his bed up.

A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills.

A friend passed his degree in sound engineering.

He got a 1-2-1-2.

A friend of mine got a job as a bus driver because he was so good at telling people where to get off.

Got my friend a cake in the shape of pac man.

At least that’s what I told him when he saw what it looked like…

Friend of mine lost his job as a courier driver.

He just wasn’t delivering the goods.

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman.  

With him, the glass was always half empty.

A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest.

It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.

A friend of mine is a carpet fitter.

Walter Wall.

My friend worked in a circus who did a human cannonball act.

Never replaced him when he retired, couldn’t find anyone else of the same calibre.

An economist friend told me to put something away for a rainy day. 

I’ve gone for an umbrella.

Friend of mine keeps setting fire to her mortgage statements.

Bernadette.

A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.

He passed with flying colours.

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

My friend told me he’s really bored with his job as a sewer inspector.

He said he feels like he’s just going through the motions…

A friend of mine keeps getting tweets offering him cans of chopped ham and pork.

I’ve told him that it’s just spam.

I was arguing with a friend in Pizza Hut the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table, and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Quote of the Day: Defeat

“Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.”

Joe Clark

Joe Clark was the 16th Prime Minister of Canada from 1979 to 1980. He was the leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada and the first Conservative Prime Minister since John Diefenbaker. He was an outspoken advocate of constitutional reform.

This quote means that failure can be overcome if you don’t let it overwhelm you. It encourages resilience and positivity even in the face of adversity. It reminds us that failure is only a temporary setback and that with the right attitude, it can be turned into an opportunity for growth and learning. It’s only truly painful if you allow yourself to dwell on it and be consumed by negative feelings. If you don’t let it get to you and instead choose to learn from it and move forward, defeat will not have a lasting negative impact.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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The Sage Juggles Fire


The wise old Sage, with grey in his hair,
Juggled fire with nimble care.
On the streets he would busk,
His skills a sight not to be hushed.



With a twirl and a spin,
He juggled fire, not to win.
But to show the young and old,
That wisdom can be bold.



For in his eyes, a flame did glisten,
A spark of knowledge, better listen.
And as the fire danced in his hands,
The crowds would gather, to hear his commands.



He spoke of life, and love, and fate,
And how through life to navigate,
The tests and trials and tribulations,
That make us who we are, with no hesitations.



So if you see him, on the street,
Don’t pass him by, just take a seat.
And watch the wise old Sage,
Juggle fire, with wisdom and age.


Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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Advice of the Day: Wipers

If you leave your wipers up, an officer won’t be able to leave a fine. Your money will be saved.

Here are some reported cases of large parking fines:

In London, UK, in 2019, a motorist was issued a fine of £160,000 (approximately $205,000 USD) for repeatedly parking in a designated doctor-only parking spot near a hospital.

In 2013, a man in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, was fined over $100,000 for repeatedly parking his car in a handicapped spot.

In 2018, a man in Moscow, Russia, was fined nearly $70,000 for repeatedly parking his car in a designated space for the disabled.

It’s important to note that these fines are exceptional cases and not the typical amount one would expect to pay for a parking violation! Park safely!

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

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